MIL took over my planning!?

[CAFarmerGirl]

I hear Hawaii is nice that time of the year...

 

[johnsonet]

@BookGirl305

 

[mom2rtk]

Thanks for all your responses, guys!! And thank you for all of the well wishes. I'm glad there are people on my side. I kind of let it slide that she invited herself in the first place because I couldn't find a good reason for her to NOT go on the vacation. She did have to see her son go through cancer. It was hard for everybody. But I did not think she would take it this far, just because I missed the booking mark. Biggest problem is my husband is a mommy's boy. He wants her to be a part of the trip. I actually haven't told him the extent of what his mom is doing, but oh my GOD, I so did NOT want to have any family issues accompanying us on this trip. I did not want my kids to see any bickering or unhappiness. Once I tell him that she basically guessed my password (unfortunately I was dumb and used my anniversary date) he's going to FLIP. At this point we will probably have to go because now the family in Florida will be expecting us, but I will try and rearrange some things. If it gets any worse than this, I will definitely cancel, but that will piss her off. She's not paying for the whole thing but she is paying for her way.

I want to make a really hard rule with her that there will be NO fighting on the trip, but I already know that won't happen. Maybe I can say no fighting and no snide comments... Could I at least hope that the magic of Disney World will help us not be snarky??

Hoping that Disney magic will override issues you had going into the trip is not a plan. People don't check the family issues at the gate when they enter WDW. In many ways, I think the heat and crowds make things worse sometimes.

I've seen a lot of stories of conflict on Disney trips through the years on the DIS. But you saying the MIL not only hacked into your account, but changed plans, makes this seem so much worse. So I would expect the shenanigans to continue once you arrive. You really need to deal with this now and not take a chance with what it will do to your trip.

Of course, it's all complicated by the fact that your husband is a "momma's boy" and that he just got over a life threatening illness. But you really do need to discuss this with him and see if you can get his support in talking to his mother.

Please tell me that you are at least staying onsite so that you will have Disney transportation available (and won't be held hostage to a single car over the course of the trip)?

 

[oceanmarina]

Congrats to your hubby on beating cancer thats amazing! To the whole MIL thing, you need to set some boundries with her. We are going to Disney in March and I have invited my MIL along for this trip. Originally she was going to stay in her timeshare, but when I saw how far her timeshares were from basically everything we were going to be doing in Disney, I convinced her that she should just bank her timeshare and stay in Disney at 1 of the value resorts. She agreed and she has told me that I can handle all the planning (which I was planning on doing anyways)...I still have been telling her what we are doing and how we are are going about doing it so she feels like she's apart of the planning, but when it comes to computers she really has no idea so I am lucky at that, lol. I hope you can get things worked out!

This X a million! My FIL invited himself along on a trip we hadn't planned yet, and told us we were staying at SOG, which he isn't even eligible for! We went without telling him, and he didn't speak to us for 5 months when we got back. Fool.

OP, unless you husband wants his mom along, I'd nip this in the bud asap. This is a joyous occasion for you, and you don't need anyone putting a damper on it.

If you don't feel like you can confront your MIL about her actions, then insist that your DH does it. And yes, change all of your passwords and keep her off all of your personal electronics in the future.

IMO she went way past the limits by hacking your MDE account. If she was my MIL, she'd be staying home.

Agree. Cancel the whole thing. Get your deposit back. Open a new MDE. Rebook with a new credit card for a new day. If she wants to pay, you can take two trips.

Yep to all of these above.

The bigger issue here is the lack of respect - it was incredibly disrespectful for her to hack into your account and disregard all of your plans by changing them. Like other posters said, I personally would nip this in the bud. You and DH should confront her together. You need to be honest with him by letting him know how she undermined all your plans, and how hurtful it was to you. Some serious boundaries need to be established. I would personally not go with her on this trip and reschedule for only you and DH - the trip has already been tainted at this point with her actions. If you are not comfortable with doing that, at the very least I would firmly tell her that you and DH are not losing park time to visit relatives. It's your vacation too, she is not paying for you and your DH, and I think you can see from the majority of the reactions on this board that her actions are not ok!!

Good luck with whatever you decide,
Marina

 

[gayles]

My only advise on this trip with MIL """Seperate Rooms" ... Please tell me that is how it will be . DH

 

[MelissaBee]

My MIL has a long history of hijacking vacations from me, which is why she doesn't get to come to Disney, lol. I truly feel your frustration. With the exception of the MDE hack, which is beyond the pale, my experiences are so similar, so I sympathize entirely and know exactly how it feels to be caught in this trap. My DH isn't a momma's boy, but he is super non-confrontational, so he is never any good for running interference.

As I'm still figuring out how to navigate this myself (even after 15 years, family dynamics are never simple), but my advice would be similar to others: change passwords and discuss with MIL and DH that that was completely unacceptable behavior--this has to be done. She can't feel emboldened to pull similar stunts in the future.
As far as the trip itself, I think it depends on whether you want drama now or drama later. This isn't just any old Disney vacation she's hijacking, so I might be inclined to pick drama now and cut her out of the plans. Any other option just lets the resentment build and believe me, being at Disney will cause that cauldron to bubble over.

 

[Buzzsgramma]

Holey Moley....first thankful your hubby is doing well.....When i read threads like this I cringe.....for I am the mother in law...but NOT that mother in law...we are the couple that own DVC...but when we go with our kids(46 and 49) and grand kids(adults now) we ask for all input...some only want to stay at a specific resort others dont care where...I ask where they would like to dine and what park on what day...what do you want fp's for...
.I am the planner and they like it like that...for the most part...sometimes we pay for most of the trip...that doesn't mean we own them or control all their moves....We are NOT joined at the hip as they say...if they choose to eat at a different spot or swim instead of meeting in the park..that's their choice...sometimes there are 13 of us....so far so good...
I am shocked that a person would hack into someones account....stand your ground ladies....and gentlemen...

 

[TiggerBouncy]

Congrats to your husband!!!!

Sorry you are going thorough this. My MIL ruined our vacation when I took her - not by planning, but because all she wanted to do the entire trip was sit in the smoking area and not doing anything else and her mother wouldn't do anything that didn't involve her which left everyone else awkwardly not sure what to do (going on rides seemed rude, but missing out on everything and doing nothing was worse). Luckily we go often enough that I chalked it up as "her" trip and left it at that.

My best advise for you is to try to make a deal with her - if you are okay with losing the 1 day to see her family, let her plan that day entirely. You plan the in-park activities.

Alternatively, what I have done with inlaws is set down "This is where my family will be. I have planned that. You can choose to hang out with us, or you can do your own thing".

Either way - best of luck!

 

[metzgardesign]

Thanks for all your responses, guys!! And thank you for all of the well wishes. I'm glad there are people on my side. I kind of let it slide that she invited herself in the first place because I couldn't find a good reason for her to NOT go on the vacation. She did have to see her son go through cancer. It was hard for everybody. But I did not think she would take it this far, just because I missed the booking mark. Biggest problem is my husband is a mommy's boy. He wants her to be a part of the trip. I actually haven't told him the extent of what his mom is doing, but oh my GOD, I so did NOT want to have any family issues accompanying us on this trip. I did not want my kids to see any bickering or unhappiness. Once I tell him that she basically guessed my password (unfortunately I was dumb and used my anniversary date) he's going to FLIP. At this point we will probably have to go because now the family in Florida will be expecting us, but I will try and rearrange some things. If it gets any worse than this, I will definitely cancel, but that will piss her off. She's not paying for the whole thing but she is paying for her way.

I want to make a really hard rule with her that there will be NO fighting on the trip, but I already know that won't happen. Maybe I can say no fighting and no snide comments... Could I at least hope that the magic of Disney World will help us not be snarky??

Firstly....change your password (may I suggest something catchy, like "momcanpoundsand"?).

Then, re-make your plans as you wish. Tell Mommy dearest that she is very welcome to visit with the Florida-fam as long as she wishes. And that you guys would be happy to meet them all for dinner one night.

Mom is running roughshod, because she is being allowed to.

 

[Eandbmom]

So my mom invited herself on our last Disney trip (she had been on prior trips and they always ended with fighting and hurt feelings). That time we told her no, she couldn't go. We needed a vacation for the 4 of us. We work very hard and first comes a vacation for us. IF we can afford another trip, then it can be extended family.
I am sorry she is taking over. I agree to change your passwords and change your plans. If possible I would tell her she can't come this time. If not, then you will have to stand firm with your plans. I will say from experience, it's better to have the hurt feelings now than it is at Disney

 

[Mitzicat]

Congrats to your hubby, my mom and fiance' are both cancer survivors so I know what you have been through. In my first marriage my MIL was a nightmare. Husband and I would plan vacations, they would say they want to go and either two things happened: They never followed thru with booking or they would go and it was miserable because she didn't want to do much. Just lay around watching tv and drinking coffee. Um hello that's what you do at home!

As far as my parents, I must have the best parents in the world because they have taken my sister and I to Disney since 1976 primarily staying in Daytona (grandparents), the last three trips have been on site. My parents allow my sister and I to plan everything and they just go with the flow. Dad knows the transportation system by heart so if they get tired they go back to the resort and rest. Some of the best times I've had at Disney is sitting at the POR pool bar with my Dad and sister having a few drinks while Mom took a nap.

We are going again in Sep - this time there are 6 of us. Again spoiled - mom and dad are paying for our trip. When they surprised us on Christmas morning Dad gave us a list of requirements: Staying at POR, preferred room, dates, one day at Typhoon Lagoon, MNSSHP, must have breakfast planned for two days preferable buffets but something other than CP and Askerhaus (he wants to try something new), must eat at BOG, 50s Primetime, and California Grill. Oh and FP scheduled so we are not criss-crossing the parks a lot. My sister and I looked at each other and said done. Why tell you all this - because whoever is paying for the trip gets to make the arrangements. If you MIL is not paying she shouldn't have control.

I agree with others - you need to tell your husband ASAP and you need to both confront your MIL. You might be surprised she might be a changed person after you set her straight.

 

[AshleyLovesDisney]

Then they said they'd had a couple days planned to see my aunt (dad's sister who lives in vegas). So I told them that I was not going anywhere. I said that if the aunt/sister was willing to come to the Strip we'd go to lunch or dinner with her, but that was it.

I did this - I bet it would work for you, OP!

My husband had a couple friends who were out in SoCal/Orange County when we were at DLR last year who wanted to get together. They met us at a couple nice restaurants on property, so we didn't miss vacation time and still got together with our friends.

Tell your relatives that they are welcome to come meet you for a nice evening/dinner, but that you're going to be at Disney, so you'll be there.

 

[kiramay]

Dear OP,

First, congrats to your husband for beating cancer. I'm sure it was a hard time for all of you.

Second, I echo what many PPs have said: change your passwords, remove any privileges she has, and try to change your plans back. Then you need to sit down with dh and her and let her know that she crossed the line. That's YOUR account and she did not have permission to access it or make any changes. It's no different than going into someone's email account or bank account.

I took a trip to Pensacola in 2002 over spring break. I had 6 year old twins and a 1 year old at the time. My dh wasn't able to take off work so I invited my mom and brother along. Worst decision ever, ruined most of my trip AND my birthday, and to this day I purposely plan my trips when I know my mother is unable to come. She retires in 3 years so at that point I'll have to just put my foot down.

Good luck!

 

[BrianL]

Yeah, an in-law making assertions about the trip is one thing, but hacking your account? That's just unacceptable. After that kind of violation I wouldn't want her along at all. I hope you can get it all sorted out. Best of luck.

 

[BarbieGal457]

Congratulations to your husband, that is wonderful to hear!

I have a similar story to yours, but it involved friends. I planned the whole senior trip as I was the only one who was 18, and would be at time of check-in. Thirty HOURS - HOURS!!!! - before the trip, my "friends" invited the girl who bullied me for 4 years along. I was ready to cancel and send them to Florida only to find they had no reservations (and if they did, couldn't check in because they were all 17) but I didn't, and went anyway thinking I could make the best of it. It was a really horrible trip for me in the end and I regret going. Two of the girls did everything to make my life that week miserable despite how much I tried to ignore it and play it off. They were able to add her because I used a TA, which I will never do again (nothing against TAs at all, just after that trip I was so burned by what they did that I almost fear not having more control over my trip).

Your situation is of course different as it is your MIL and it involves family, but I wanted to add on to other PPs saying that trying to ignore the situation or make the best of it might be harder than it seems when you get there. My trip was filled with daily snide remarks and overall frustration by their antics with delaying us for reservations, etc. It was a very stressful trip and the only one of my dozens of Disney trips that I look back on with less than fond memories. I have no true advice for dealing with in-laws as I am not married yet, but I do think sitting everyone down at once is a good idea because I think you will feel better if there is at least an attempt at reconciling the situation and your rightfully hurt feelings. Even if the situation doesn't end totally rectified, at least you'll have gotten it off your chest and won't stew in the hurt feelings.

 

[MollieW]

We had a MIL trip and it was horribly challenging. My husband and MIL had a screaming fight in Pinochio's because he finally got tired of her ********.

This is exactly the type of thing that would completely break my heart and my husband's heart: fighting when we're supposed to have a good time. I am used to hiding my feelings around my MIL, but sometimes I snap. Last night I told my husband about the hacking and he was furious. He takes some fault because he encouraged her to be vocal about what she wants (this happens often, since I always hide how I really feel) and he addressed it with her.

We ended up cancelling the trip and now I'm frantically trying to reschedule everything and ignoring all of my MIL's calls. We're going to make it later in December which kind of messes up Christmas a lot, but I agree with you guys. I'd rather pay higher prices than deal with my MIL while on vacation. Now I have to find deals during the most expensive time of the year, on top of trying to navigate the parks during (what I have heard to be) one of busiest times of the year. This is slowly turning in a nightmare no matter which way you slice it, now it's just time to salvage what I can.

 

[agavegirl1]

Thanks for the update Mollie. Don't worry, the DIS is here to help you with a wonderful holiday season plan. I'm sure you will enjoy yourself.

 

[Karin1984]

**Edit** Didn't see the OP's last post.

You did the right thing. And you still have time, it's not time for FP yet, and by checking regularly I am sure you can find ADRs.

But most importantly, you did what was best for you and your family. You will have time to process what has happened in your lives and enjoy and relax.

Have fun planning and don't stress too much! It will turn out alright in the end. It usually does

 

[Quellman]

Missing 180 days is not the end of the world. This trip was a trip to WDW with YOUR family. I'm sorry you lost your original dates, but there are plenty of families that have had wonderful experiences at Christmas time in Disney. Adjust your expectations on what you plan to accomplish in the parks and enjoy yourselves!

 

[OrangeCountyCommuter]

You do not have to let her be part of your trip, just because she was unbelievably rude and decided she was crashing your trip.

I would cancel this vacation and reschedule for a different time, after changing my MDE password. I'd also make sure MIL had no information about when we were going and where we were staying. DH and I would also tell her how completely I appropriate it was for her to hack into your account and make unauthorized changes, and that if she ever did it again, I'd be taking appropriate legal action.

I don't think there's a legal action for hacking a MDE account. That's a little over the top.

This is exactly the type of thing that would completely break my heart and my husband's heart: fighting when we're supposed to have a good time. I am used to hiding my feelings around my MIL, but sometimes I snap. Last night I told my husband about the hacking and he was furious. He takes some fault because he encouraged her to be vocal about what she wants (this happens often, since I always hide how I really feel) and he addressed it with her.

We ended up cancelling the trip and now I'm frantically trying to reschedule everything and ignoring all of my MIL's calls. We're going to make it later in December which kind of messes up Christmas a lot, but I agree with you guys. I'd rather pay higher prices than deal with my MIL while on vacation. Now I have to find deals during the most expensive time of the year, on top of trying to navigate the parks during (what I have heard to be) one of busiest times of the year. This is slowly turning in a nightmare no matter which way you slice it, now it's just time to salvage what I can.

So I am not sure which dates, but remember that late December has some distinct advantages.

1. Long hours, so even if it's crowded you have a lot of time to play
2. Great decorations... Disney does it up nicely
3. If you are there after the end of the Christmas Party you get a great parade

As for deals I am not sure where you were staying but you might try the Swan/Dolphin and see what they have. They depend a lot on convention business and that's a bad time of year for that so I have seen some decent rates. You don't get DME but you do get Early Entry and a great location.