MIL took over my planning!?

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

We went right before Christmas in 2014. And we had a blast. Everything is decorated and looks just beautiful.

I hope you have a wonderful time.

 

[Mambo Junkie]

Congratulations to your husband!
I'm glad you cancelled and rescheduled. That way you don't have to deal with a MIL you obviously don't care for. Perhaps when you do talk to her, you can let her know this is an immediate family trip, and if she wants to celebrate with her son, maybe they could do a mother/son only trip.

 

[TiggerBouncy]

*** Didn't see the update. Glad you cancelled and are remaking the trip. Best of luck. I will leave my original reply in there for others as the point is still valid. ***

Congrats to your husband!!!!

Sorry you are going thorough this. My MIL ruined our vacation when I took her - not by planning, but because all she wanted to do the entire trip was sit in the smoking area and not doing anything else and her mother wouldn't do anything that didn't involve her which left everyone else awkwardly not sure what to do (going on rides seemed rude, but missing out on everything and doing nothing was worse). Luckily we go often enough that I chalked it up as "her" trip and left it at that.

My best advise for you is to try to make a deal with her - if you are okay with losing the 1 day to see her family, let her plan that day entirely. You plan the in-park activities.

Alternatively, what I have done with inlaws is set down "This is where my family will be. I have planned that. You can choose to hang out with us, or you can do your own thing".

Either way - best of luck!

Oh - DW took same MIL (well, Her Mom) to Aluani. Note they had the best, most perfect view in the resort. Literally. DW said Disney did their usual best and there was great service, people were all extremely nice, etc. MIL complained about EVERYTHING. Room was horrible, terrible service, nasty people (none of this was true).

This was a woman who according to her would have had a better time staying at home and according to her had a horrible trip.
In Hawaii. for free (we paid on DVC). At Disney. IN HAWAII. AT DISNEY. (not that it matters, but not a drop of rain, and temperature was ideal). IN HAWAII. AT DISNEY. FOR FREE.

My point OP (and there is one) is that some people are not going to be happy. No matter what you do, it won't be enough for her. So Don't. Don't waste a moment of breath on it, or a single thought. Don't even fire one neuron in your brain over it. Plan the vacation your family will enjoy. If she's coming along, your plans are public knowledge and she is welcome to join. If she doesn't want to - she can go do her own thing in Orlando at the same time you are there.

And if all else fails, make sure they never find the body.

 

[Mitzicat]

Just so folks know hacking someone account can be a legal issue. Not sure what state Mollie is in but here is Florida's code: (just a snipet) If you want to see more check out National Conference of State Legislators - Computer Crime Statutes.

815.06 Offenses against users of computers, computer systems, computer networks, and electronic devices.—
(1) As used in this section, the term “user” means a person with the authority to operate or maintain a computer, computer system, computer network, or electronic device.
(2) A person commits an offense against users of computers, computer systems, computer networks, or electronic devices if he or she willfully, knowingly, and without authorization:
(a) Accesses or causes to be accessed any computer, computer system, computer network, or electronic device with knowledge that such access is unauthorized;
(b) Disrupts or denies or causes the denial of the ability to transmit data to or from an authorized user of a computer, computer system, computer network, or electronic device, which, in whole or in part, is owned by, under contract to, or operated for, on behalf of, or in conjunction with another;

Also back in 2008 there was a case against a woman in Japan. A 43-year-old Japanese piano teacher's sudden divorce from her online husband in a virtual game world made her so angry that she logged on and killed his digital persona. The woman, who has been jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo City said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

So it can be serious if you push it far enough.

 

[TiggerBouncy]

Just so folks know hacking someone account can be a legal issue. Not sure what state Mollie is in but here is Florida's code: (just a snipet) If you want to see more check out National Conference of State Legislators - Computer Crime Statutes.

815.06 Offenses against users of computers, computer systems, computer networks, and electronic devices.—
(1) As used in this section, the term “user” means a person with the authority to operate or maintain a computer, computer system, computer network, or electronic device.
(2) A person commits an offense against users of computers, computer systems, computer networks, or electronic devices if he or she willfully, knowingly, and without authorization:
(a) Accesses or causes to be accessed any computer, computer system, computer network, or electronic device with knowledge that such access is unauthorized;
(b) Disrupts or denies or causes the denial of the ability to transmit data to or from an authorized user of a computer, computer system, computer network, or electronic device, which, in whole or in part, is owned by, under contract to, or operated for, on behalf of, or in conjunction with another;

Also back in 2008 there was a case against a woman in Japan. A 43-year-old Japanese piano teacher's sudden divorce from her online husband in a virtual game world made her so angry that she logged on and killed his digital persona. The woman, who has been jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo City said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

So it can be serious if you push it far enough.

While I agree with you that there may be legal action you could take - at that point it's probably not worth what the action would do to DH assuming that he (and the OP) want to have any future relations with MIL. I am guessing if they were even contemplating taking her to Disney then they do.

This is one of those times its better to chalk it up as a future lesson to secure your passwords, be firm on your plans, and as far as the hacking, follow Queen Elsa's advice (or Chief Bogo) and Let... It.... Go....

 

[HookedOnDCL1]

*** Didn't see the update. Glad you cancelled and are remaking the trip. Best of luck. I will leave my original reply in there for others as the point is still valid. ***

Oh - DW took same MIL (well, Her Mom) to Aluani. Note they had the best, most perfect view in the resort. Literally. DW said Disney did their usual best and there was great service, people were all extremely nice, etc. MIL complained about EVERYTHING. Room was horrible, terrible service, nasty people (none of this was true).

This was a woman who according to her would have had a better time staying at home and according to her had a horrible trip.
In Hawaii. for free (we paid on DVC). At Disney. IN HAWAII. AT DISNEY. (not that it matters, but not a drop of rain, and temperature was ideal). IN HAWAII. AT DISNEY. FOR FREE.

My point OP (and there is one) is that some people are not going to be happy. No matter what you do, it won't be enough for her. So Don't. Don't waste a moment of breath on it, or a single thought. Don't even fire one neuron in your brain over it. Plan the vacation your family will enjoy. If she's coming along, your plans are public knowledge and she is welcome to join. If she doesn't want to - she can go do her own thing in Orlando at the same time you are there.

And if all else fails, make sure they never find the body.

Do WE have the same MIL? LOL
You have to put your foot down at some point.
Recent converstion:
MIL: We should all go on a trip out East, we've never been.
ME: Yeah, me neither.
MIL: So, let's go!
ME: You go, tell me how it was!

 

[nenser]

This is exactly the type of thing that would completely break my heart and my husband's heart: fighting when we're supposed to have a good time. I am used to hiding my feelings around my MIL, but sometimes I snap. Last night I told my husband about the hacking and he was furious. He takes some fault because he encouraged her to be vocal about what she wants (this happens often, since I always hide how I really feel) and he addressed it with her.

We ended up cancelling the trip and now I'm frantically trying to reschedule everything and ignoring all of my MIL's calls. We're going to make it later in December which kind of messes up Christmas a lot, but I agree with you guys. I'd rather pay higher prices than deal with my MIL while on vacation. Now I have to find deals during the most expensive time of the year, on top of trying to navigate the parks during (what I have heard to be) one of busiest times of the year. This is slowly turning in a nightmare no matter which way you slice it, now it's just time to salvage what I can.

There is FREE DINING PLAN OFFERS starting 12/10.. Could end up being CHEAPER!!!!! Good luck!!!!

 

[Vijoge]

secure your passwords

Absolutely. All your passwords. Just basic common sense.

 

[Vijoge]

Do WE have the same MIL? LOL
You have to put your foot down at some point.
Recent converstion:
MIL: We should all go on a trip out East, we've never been.
ME: Yeah, me neither.
MIL: So, let's go!
ME: You go, tell me how it was!

Yup. Vacationed with the in-laws ONCE. lol

 

[Party.Of.4-NY>>>FL]

Hey OP,

Glad to read your husband had your back on this one.

Now go book that family trip and make it one you guys will never forget!!!!!

 

[IrishNYC]

This is exactly the type of thing that would completely break my heart and my husband's heart: fighting when we're supposed to have a good time. I am used to hiding my feelings around my MIL, but sometimes I snap. Last night I told my husband about the hacking and he was furious. He takes some fault because he encouraged her to be vocal about what she wants (this happens often, since I always hide how I really feel) and he addressed it with her.

We ended up cancelling the trip and now I'm frantically trying to reschedule everything and ignoring all of my MIL's calls. We're going to make it later in December which kind of messes up Christmas a lot, but I agree with you guys. I'd rather pay higher prices than deal with my MIL while on vacation. Now I have to find deals during the most expensive time of the year, on top of trying to navigate the parks during (what I have heard to be) one of busiest times of the year. This is slowly turning in a nightmare no matter which way you slice it, now it's just time to salvage what I can.

I'm glad you're rescheduling. Having a crowded trip would be preferable to me than having my ILs along.

I wrote above about my FIL inviting himself along on a Disney trip we hadn't even planned yet, but it wasn't his first time doing something similar. Twenty one years ago when DH and I were first dating we went on vacation together. Day 3 there was a knock on our cottage door. It was FIL! We were 250 miles from home. A few years later, maybe after we got married, we were in Vegas for a week. Guess who showed up! FIL also shows up at our house uninvited. I don't open the door for him.

 

[ConnecticutFlea]

I don't understand why families/groups feel they need to stay together. Some like rollar coasters, some don't. Some like shows, some don't. Some go swimming in the afternoon, some don't. The point is not everyone likes the same thing or moves at the same pace. There is so much to do at Disney. Everyone can find something to enjoy even if they are by themselves.

In the future if you find yourself vacationing at Disney with your MIL, don't let her have access to your MDE app. Plan what you want to do. Ask her if she wants to be included in any ADRs you are making. Let her know what park you plan to be in and what fast passes you made, and let her plan if she wants to join you or do her own thing. You are not joined at the hip!

 

[Mitzicat]

While I agree with you that there may be legal action you could take - at that point it's probably not worth what the action would do to DH assuming that he (and the OP) want to have any future relations with MIL. I am guessing if they were even contemplating taking her to Disney then they do.

This is one of those times its better to chalk it up as a future lesson to secure your passwords, be firm on your plans, and as far as the hacking, follow Queen Elsa's advice (or Chief Bogo) and Let... It.... Go....

TOTALLY AGREE!!!

 

[bumbershoot]

Fwiw I was doing adrs at 180 and still didn't get exactly what I wanted. What a crazy thing for her to assert; that because you didn't get something it means she should plan. If she can get those adrs *now* then so you can.

I want to make a really hard rule with her that there will be NO fighting on the trip, but I already know that won't happen. Maybe I can say no fighting and no snide comments.

What I've learned with my MIL is that the only person we can control is ourselves. It's hard to fight if the other person isn't. If the other person runs to the bathroom or notices a pretty flower and is talking about it or runs to ride small world. . I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm MIL's main caregiver (some weird karmic comeuppance for both of us I assume) and the other week we did argue and it felt as ugly and uncomfortable as the first 8 years around her did (thankfully we have a month off of her doctor Appts). But most of the time I just try to be zen.

I would see if you can do an ADR with the Florida relatives at a resort and see if that will help salvage the park days you will miss.

Yes. Our FL and SoCal friends and relatives get that most visits will involve them being in or near a themepark. They don't expect that visitors will come to their place.

We ended up cancelling the trip and now I'm frantically trying to reschedule everything and ignoring all of my MIL's calls. We're going to make it later in December which kind of messes up Christmas a lot

If it's messing things up, what if you sneakily planned it for the same dates you just cancelled???? And tell no one.

 

[NYUBwayBaby]

*** Didn't see the update. Glad you cancelled and are remaking the trip. Best of luck. I will leave my original reply in there for others as the point is still valid. ***




Oh - DW took same MIL (well, Her Mom) to Aluani. Note they had the best, most perfect view in the resort. Literally. DW said Disney did their usual best and there was great service, people were all extremely nice, etc. MIL complained about EVERYTHING. Room was horrible, terrible service, nasty people (none of this was true).

This was a woman who according to her would have had a better time staying at home and according to her had a horrible trip.
In Hawaii. for free (we paid on DVC). At Disney. IN HAWAII. AT DISNEY. (not that it matters, but not a drop of rain, and temperature was ideal). IN HAWAII. AT DISNEY. FOR FREE.

My point OP (and there is one) is that some people are not going to be happy. No matter what you do, it won't be enough for her. So Don't. Don't waste a moment of breath on it, or a single thought. Don't even fire one neuron in your brain over it. Plan the vacation your family will enjoy. If she's coming along, your plans are public knowledge and she is welcome to join. If she doesn't want to - she can go do her own thing in Orlando at the same time you are there.

And if all else fails, make sure they never find the body.

Sounds like my dad's mom. And sisters. My dad paid for them to all go on a cruise and all they did was complain when they saw him. The walk to get food was much to far. Although the oldest sister did say she liked him a little more after he paid for it. She still blames them for his parents' divorce though. My dad was 6.

I'm currently planning a November trip for the W&D races. My mom is running them, as well, but my parents live in Florida and will probably only be there for the weekend. No big deal, right? The BF was talking to his dad about it and asked me for the dates so (he assumed) his sister (current CM) could help us with get a room. Well.... his parents have booked their hotel that week. As has his brother and his girlfriend. And apparently my parents are going to pay for my little sister to fly out there (so they can take advantage of her soon-to-be husband's Disney animation employment perks). The only immediate family members that won't be there are one of the BF's brother's and my FBIL. BF isn't exactly pleased- he flat out told me he shouldn't have told his parents the dates- but at this point I'm just like "eh, we'll do a meal or two with them, it's fine." Because we are doing the W&D post-race party and doing TL, so there's at least two things they won't be joining us on. Well, my parents will be at the party. Overhearing his dad on the phone last time his parents were at Disney makes me think he wanted to propose there, though, so I think he's bummed that his parents might be around when he wants to do that. *sigh*

OP, I'm glad you are rescheduling. That's a completely terrible thing for your MIL to do. I'm sorry the rescheduling is adding stress. I'm sure everyone here would love to help you out with that!

 

[PSUGuy]

I didn't read all the posts so apologies if this has been said. You say, 'Obviously I can't stop her from being part of the planning,' Not obvious at all. It's YOUR special trip and she self invited. YOU create YOUR itinerary, give her a copy and tell her, 'Here's what we're doing and when, you're welcome to come along'. Period, end of story. We've stiff armed some self inviters, relatives all, in this way and even more bluntly. My BIL tried to crash our family Myrtle Beach vacation a few years back and wifey refused to tell him where we were staying. He got the message. It seems there's a large percentage of the population who think that all others can't do without their company.

Bill From PA

 

[Linda T.]

We went after Christmas, 2014 thru New Year's, 2015. It was absolutely beautiful. I had no trouble getting the fast passes nor the TS reservations we wanted. The holiday fireworks are amazing. Have a wonderful trip and enjoy planning it.!!!!

 

[focusondisney]

If it's messing things up, what if you sneakily planned it for the same dates you just cancelled???? And tell no one.

Lol! I was just thinking the same thing! I'd tell her we're cancelling, then don't. Of course, this will only work if MIL will cancel once you tell her you are going to. Wouldn't be good to show up at the airport & there she is on the same flight....

 

[TiggerManiac]

Thanks for all your responses, guys!! And thank you for all of the well wishes. I'm glad there are people on my side. I kind of let it slide that she invited herself in the first place because I couldn't find a good reason for her to NOT go on the vacation. She did have to see her son go through cancer. It was hard for everybody. But I did not think she would take it this far, just because I missed the booking mark. Biggest problem is my husband is a mommy's boy. He wants her to be a part of the trip. I actually haven't told him the extent of what his mom is doing, but oh my GOD, I so did NOT want to have any family issues accompanying us on this trip. I did not want my kids to see any bickering or unhappiness. Once I tell him that she basically guessed my password (unfortunately I was dumb and used my anniversary date) he's going to FLIP. At this point we will probably have to go because now the family in Florida will be expecting us, but I will try and rearrange some things. If it gets any worse than this, I will definitely cancel, but that will piss her off. She's not paying for the whole thing but she is paying for her way.

I want to make a really hard rule with her that there will be NO fighting on the trip, but I already know that won't happen. Maybe I can say no fighting and no snide comments... Could I at least hope that the magic of Disney World will help us not be snarky??

Um, no, you don't have to go because the family in FL is expecting you. You and DH decide what you want to do on this particular vacation. If YOU want to see extended family, see them. If you don't want to take the time for that, just tell the family that while you'd love to see them, that just doesn't work out for this trip. Let them know youMd love to see them the next time you head down that way or invite them up to see you.

Your DH may need some therapy to help him learn that his first priority is to you and the kids, not his mommy. He doesn't have to include her on everything or even anything. But if you do include her, make it clear that you're planning the trip you and he want for your family; she is free to join for as much of it as she wishes or to take some separate time to go off and do whatever else she wishes, but you won't be joining her for anything else that you haven't planned directly,

 

[mickeyluv'r]

Congrats to hubby in his health! and glad you two saw eye to eye. That's a very good sign! You've more than earned the right to a have a vacation that is truly enjoyable. One that is truly restorative. Vacations are supposed to restore your reverses, not deplete them.

[Funny you mention December. I've been in late December, and while the parks weren't empty, we had a great time. Prior to actually going, I'd previously said, no to going at that time. But....the reason we decided to give it a go was to escape family drama. THAT was PRICELESS!]

Here's the thing though... I suspect that the real problem has little to do with WDW. Long term, you all need a path to health, and the path to health includes both your relationship as a couple, as nuclear family (if kids are involved), and your emotional health.

Creating healthy boundaries means finding ways to protect each other from those who don't support you.