MIL took over my planning!?

[BookGirl305]

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[MollieW]

Thanks for all your responses, guys!! And thank you for all of the well wishes. I'm glad there are people on my side. I kind of let it slide that she invited herself in the first place because I couldn't find a good reason for her to NOT go on the vacation. She did have to see her son go through cancer. It was hard for everybody. But I did not think she would take it this far, just because I missed the booking mark. Biggest problem is my husband is a mommy's boy. He wants her to be a part of the trip. I actually haven't told him the extent of what his mom is doing, but oh my GOD, I so did NOT want to have any family issues accompanying us on this trip. I did not want my kids to see any bickering or unhappiness. Once I tell him that she basically guessed my password (unfortunately I was dumb and used my anniversary date) he's going to FLIP. At this point we will probably have to go because now the family in Florida will be expecting us, but I will try and rearrange some things. If it gets any worse than this, I will definitely cancel, but that will piss her off. She's not paying for the whole thing but she is paying for her way.

I want to make a really hard rule with her that there will be NO fighting on the trip, but I already know that won't happen. Maybe I can say no fighting and no snide comments... Could I at least hope that the magic of Disney World will help us not be snarky??

 

[agavegirl1]

Disney Magic does not override resentment. I have learned this to my dismay. However, remember, resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die...It does not solve the basic underlying problem that she is usurping your vacation plans. She wants to be there but she wants to control the message...that is not okay. You need a conversation about "what is Okay" Okay?

 

[Sunnywho]

I checked out your pre-trip report. Oh my goodness, I would immediately change the dates back to your original dates, letting her know that the new dates no longer work. If you do this fast enough, maybe you can get the ADRs you wanted.

 

[2009CAN]

CANCEL the trip. NOW. Seriously. Any other action will only be rewarding her behavior and it WILL get worse.
And I'd also reach out to the FL family let them know there won't be a visit.

 

[DisneyWishes14]

We did a WDW trip with extended family during which one member complained and tried to change plans constantly. When things didn't go his way, he made sure to take his sweet time in rest rooms, gift shops, etc., in order to slow everyone else down and ruin plans. We ended up doing our own "make-up" trip the next year.

Go into MDE, change your password and try to get your plans back. I would discuss the situation with your husband and then try to work this out with MIL before you leave letting her know she is welcome to accompany, but you will be making the plans for the family trip. Otherwise, I would cancel and re-book without her.

 

[ConnecticutNonna]

I was going to stay out of the fray, but just couldn't!!!
First and foremost, Thank heavens your DH is well! What a relief! For all involved. MIL included...
Now. I am old, and supposedly with age comes wisdom... So, for what it's worth, here's my opinion.

1. Change every single PW in your arsenal, immediately, and then re work your MDE to what you want.
2. Also immediately tell DH exactly what MIL did (hacking) You need him on your side for the rest of this.
3. Discuss with DH calmly and without any interference exactly what both of you WANT on this vacation. Not what MIL expects, but what you want for each other and your own family (your children and you). Ask him to be honest. Does he REALLY want to leave WDW to visit other family? If he does want to see them, but doesn't want to leave wdw to do it, maybe you could plan an evening meal at one of the resorts and meet up as opposed to going off property. It doesn't matter that MIL has arranged another visit, you guys and your children are what's important!
4. Let him know honestly that you feel betrayed and that you feel that your trip has been hijacked. Ask if he would support you changing dates etc and /or asking MIL to butt out. You NEED his support. At the very least he should support you in letting you plan for your kids and yourself.
5. It sounds like MIL is not the kind of woman you can deal with easily, therefore, write out a script (no lie) and literally read it over the phone to her. Do not allow her to dissuade you, be firm, kind, and get off the phone.
None of this is easy... But for the sake of your marriage and your sanity, stand up for yourself now. It will only get worse and your vacation will turn into a nightmare!

 

[ConnecticutNonna]

PS LOVE the new password idea from @Pesky!
So appropriate!

 

[cannmom]

OMG!!! I literally gasped when I read she hacked your account and changed all your plans.

I would have a serious discussion with your husband and explain how she is sucking all the joy out of the trip for you. The trip should be about what your husband wants, not what MIL tells him he wants.

I hope you can regain control of your vacation and have a wonderful time. Yay for beating Cancer!!! That's the most important thing.

 

[DVCcurious]

Here's your story with a twist:

My wife and I graduated college in 1998. We got married in 1999. Then we took like 3 vacations between 1999-2008. We were working long hours to build our careers, saving money, etc. Other important info is that my family (parents, uncles, grandparents), gets together like every month, and sometimes more frequently. So I saw them ALL THE TIME.

In 2008 my dad got cancer. I also moved from Seattle to Pittsburgh for graduate school. In May 2009 between school and my internship my wife and I decided we needed a vacation (but cheap), so we went to Vegas for a week. Well, my parents decided to invite themselves along. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: why do you want to go to Vegas?
mom: because your father is GOING TO DIE and we need to see you.
Me: but I saw you ALL THE TIME for like 30 years. My wife and I haven't had a real vacation since 2005 and we need to spend time together.
mom: but this could be the LAST CHANCE to see your father

Anyway, I told them that my wife and I were going to do what we wanted to do and if they really wanted to come along I couldn't stop them. Then they said they'd had a couple days planned to see my aunt (dad's sister who lives in vegas). So I told them that I was not going anywhere. I said that if the aunt/sister was willing to come to the Strip we'd go to lunch or dinner with her, but that was it.

My dad died in 2011. No, I don't feel at all guilty for not wanting to see him in Las Vegas. The fact is that we needed alone time as a couple. It doesn't mean you don't love your parents/in laws, it just means you need time for your own non-extended family.

 

[jerseygal]

I am EXTREMELY territorial about our MDE account. As most of you do, we work VERY HARD to get ADR's way in advance, FP, and I am would not want any ADR's or FP changed accidentally or sadly, perhaps with intent. In another thread, I read something that "stuck" with me. Many friends or family who join us in a vacation, are simply not aware of the time and dedication it takes to plan ADR's or FP. We purposely keep our MDE account private. If we are meeting friends or family for a meal, we make the reservation for the total number party or in some cases they make the reservation and simply give us the reservation number and vice versa. Yes, by doing that could someone cancel or change the ADR, yes, but the risk is less versus giving a friend or family "total control" over everything in MDE. Not taking any risk of an entire MDE possible getting altered. Vacation time and money spent is too valuable! In terms of FP, our friends and family were staying offsite, thus 30 day window to make FP versus our 60. I gave them our FP time windows and attractions and didn't feel compelled to change them if they couldn't get them at 30. Its your vacation, so I hope that you ENJOY it! CONGRATS on your DH beating cancer, hope this trip is extra special!

 

[Shanti]

Hopefully this is a good place to post this, it does have to do with strategy...kind of.

Basically, my MIL is trying to take over my Disney World trip planning. This is a very special trip for my family, since we're going because my husband has beat his battle with cancer. She basically invited herself to the trip, and then decided that we should all visit her side of the family while we're there, shaving a day and a half of theme parks from our trip. Recently I totally missed the 180 day mark for booking and wasn't able to get some reservations and she is totally using this as "proof" that she should just plan the whole trip. I found out today that she hacked into my MDE account and changed everything I had set up!!!

Obviously I can't stop her from being part of the planning, but there has to be something I can do when it comes to plans clashing? Has anyone else had this experience? She's literally making sure that we do the exact opposite of what I know my family will like. I've already given up so much, there is no way I'm going to give up 100% of my Disney dreams.

Change your password or get a new account. Hacking into someone else's account & changing their plans without permission is inexcusable. Hubby should run interference on this one, as she's his mother.

Welcome her to join you if she likes, but stand firm on the fact that you are managing and paying for (right?) your family's vacation, so you make the plans. The number of days you'll be there is the number of days you'll be there, period. She is welcome to come, but also welcome to arrive late/leave early so that she can visit the other relatives as she wishes.

 

[Shanti]

Thanks for all your responses, guys!! And thank you for all of the well wishes. I'm glad there are people on my side. I kind of let it slide that she invited herself in the first place because I couldn't find a good reason for her to NOT go on the vacation. She did have to see her son go through cancer. It was hard for everybody. But I did not think she would take it this far, just because I missed the booking mark. Biggest problem is my husband is a mommy's boy. He wants her to be a part of the trip. I actually haven't told him the extent of what his mom is doing, but oh my GOD, I so did NOT want to have any family issues accompanying us on this trip. I did not want my kids to see any bickering or unhappiness. Once I tell him that she basically guessed my password (unfortunately I was dumb and used my anniversary date) he's going to FLIP. At this point we will probably have to go because now the family in Florida will be expecting us, but I will try and rearrange some things. If it gets any worse than this, I will definitely cancel, but that will piss her off. She's not paying for the whole thing but she is paying for her way.

I want to make a really hard rule with her that there will be NO fighting on the trip, but I already know that won't happen. Maybe I can say no fighting and no snide comments... Could I at least hope that the magic of Disney World will help us not be snarky??

You admit yourself that this isn't going to work. It won't. Cancel and rebook. Be honest with your husband, and just let the relatives know that your plans have changed.

 

[Tucker24]

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. A sit down or talk about expectations and what not won't work. No matter what there will be a fight or two and bickering involved. Can't remember if you mentioned kids within the family, but you should try and make the ADR's and fast passes geared towards them. You can also tell her you made certain reservations to surprise your husband. Even though you don't want to accommodate her try to plan things by stearing her in the direction you want to go in. He's a mommy's boy and so is mine so it may tear him up to know that you two won't get along on the trip
We had a MIL trip and it was horribly challenging. My husband and MIL had a screaming fight in Pinochio's because he finally got tired of her ********.

 

[pmaurer74]

I am sorry you are going through this. Congratulations on your DH though! I am the planner for WDW trips. Just did one with the inlaws that went ok, they let me plan with some input. I am in charge of my family's trip of 13 in December and they know nothing so they are letting me plan. It is very stressful. I would have a discussion with your DH and let him know what is up and a strategy on how to dal with MIL. I would see if you can do an ADR with the Florida relatives at a resort and see if that will help salvage the park days you will miss. Good luck.

 

[Party.Of.4-NY>>>FL]

I kind of let it slide that she invited herself in the first place because I couldn't find a good reason for her to NOT go on the vacation.

And. ^THIS^ is why no one except my wife and my boss is allowed to know anything about our upcoming vacation until a week before we leave.

P.S.
High Five on the whole cancer thing!!!!!!!

 

[johnsonet]

I'm afraid you will have been overwhelmed with responses and advice. The fact is there is obviously a family dynamic here that is firmly entrenched. If your h is a "mama's boy" (and women like your MIL create mama's boys) then, really, nothing is going to change that. You're stuck. The trip is going to happen and you're going to have to suffer through her bad behavior. I don't know what to say except IGNORE?

I think this is the best advice given that you can actually use:

... tell MIL she's welcome to go visiting but your fam will be in the parks...

Most people don't get to go to Disney every day and to take a couple of days out of your trip to visit extended family is just not fair since she joined in after you began planning. Plus, you don't want to. If she wants to visit them or they want to join you in the parks or at the resort one day, GREAT. Otherwise, just state that you did not plan on this and you simply don't want to take time out of your vacation.

I know how hard it must be for you, but it sounds as though with her the only thing you can do is put your foot down on the things that matter the most to you.

BTW, missing the 180-day cutoff is not a big deal. I rarely even PLAN my trips that far in advance and I always end up getting most everything I want. Don't apologize for this going forward!

Dr. Laura gives better advice. Here's a link to just one of her articles on the topic of daughters and MIL
https://www.drlaura.com/b/Getting-Along-with-Your-In-Laws/113606544429714387.html

 

[johnsonet]

P.S. The fact that you might actually have to have this conversation with a grown woman and grandmother is very sad.

I want to make a really hard rule with her that there will be NO fighting on the trip, but I already know that won't happen. Maybe I can say no fighting and no snide comments... Could I at least hope that the magic of Disney World will help us not be snarky??

She must have some major issues related to her own childhood. I wish you could ditch her. Sad to say, but true.

 

[Hikergirl]

If my MIL hacked into my account and changed my plans her invitation would be rescinded. I would not have to discuss it with dh, I would tell him that I will not go on vacation with a woman who does that, period.
If you let her "win" this you can expect her to always be like this, put your foot down now.

 

[BookGirl305]

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