MIL Situation

[all4fun]

That is a tough one. Can the MIL not afford to take the 11 year old or is it simply because he has already gone????

We are running into a similar situation with our nieces. We took our 7 year old niece last year and had a great trip. She has a younger sister that was too young to take at the time. We paid all her expenses and will for the sister when she is big enough. We decided on taken them when they hit 44 inches (They are TINY girls) since they would remember the trip more and be able to ride most things. The parents are struggling financially and will probably never be able to take them.

When we take the youngest niece (probably in 2008) we will not be taken the older one. We can't afford it. The older sister has been told before and after her trip that her sister would be going next and not her. I know it is hard for her to understand, but that is the way it is. If her parents miraculously can afford to pay for her, than great, we will take her. We would love to take them both, but we can't and we owe the youngest a trip. Does that make us bad people? I hope not as we only wanted to make sure that both our nieces got a chance to experience WDW while it is still magical to them.

This is exactly what we did with our step-nieces and nephew. We took the twins at the same time (actually gave them the option of going seperately but of course they wanted to go together). Played it up like it was their special trip. They were fine with it and as far as I know it didn't cause any problems. I think being clear up front that we would be taking them all seperately (except the twins) helped. Their parents could never afford to take them (not financially responsible enough in our opinion). Plus we also did not want to try to manage four children all at once, lol. So it worked out the best for us that way too.

In the OP's situation though, I think it sounds a bit selfish for the MIL to tell the children first because it puts mom in the unenviable situation of having to deny them the trip but I wouldn't blame her if she did. It sounds like a no-win situation because if she says yes to the proposed scenerio the 11-yr will be hurt and if she says no the other two might resent her for it. But hopefully they would just be disappointed but at least try to understand.

 

[mimif1]

We have three DDs and the oldest would be crushed if grandma took her two little sisters without her! Now, we're planning on a Daddy / Daughter trip for each girl when they are 16 and only one girl will go each time. But to me, that's different, because they each will get that special trip with Dad. If someone took my family without me because I've been more times than they have, I'd be crushed (and I'm way over 11!)

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Wow.

While it could be that the MIL has a reason for not taking all three that she isn't telling as another poster suggested (can't handle them), she exercised extremely poor judgement in telling the kids without talking to the Mom first -and that was heartless. At that point I'm not sure even if she agreed to take all three, that I'd let them go - if it were me. I wouldn't feel too trusting of this person, although I know it's hard to know that from a post on the internet.

But to the original question, it would be all three going or none. I just couldn't do that to the one that would be left behind. Then I'd work my butt off to take them myself, even if it took awhile to come up with the $$$ and we did a value resort etc. My philosophy, for myself, is where there's a will, there's a way.

so sorry this happened to your friend and her kids.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

As far as the MIL telling the kids 1st, I don't see that as big of a deal as some. Of course, it would depend on the family's relationship, but my sisters & I are very close. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised, if they told my DS they were going to take him on a trip then told me to pack his clothes.

Without receiving more info., I wonder if the 11 yo may have behavioral problems. If he does, her decision would make sense. If not, he would be the easiest of the 3 to take on a trip. The excuse of not being able to handle all 3, wouldn't add up in that case. An 11 yo, especially one that is the oldest w/ younger siblings, could make taking care of the younger 2 easier. Older siblings are used to keeping up with younger ones.

We have also taken my nieces & nephews on trips one at a time. They know that everyone will eventually get their trip. The younger 3 still haven't gone anywhere with us, because they've always had summer sports obligations. IMHO this situation is different. I'm the aunt. This is the grandma. Grandma shouldn't do for one grandchild & not for all. We live that life, & it used to really bother my DS, until he just stopped caring.

If I were the mom, I wouldn't allow 2 to go, w/o the 3rd. The younger 2 may be disappointed, but they should be able to understand the situation. They would eventually get over it. It wouldn't be so easy for the 3rd to just forget it. At this point, I'm not sure I would want the oldest to go. I would be afraid of how grandma would react over being forced to take him. In that case, I'd just tell grandma that it didn't look like the trip was going to work out this time for anyone to go. Hopefully, all 3 of them could go somewhere with her soon.

 

[Chris]

I'd tell her thanks but no. IMO it's very rude and cruel to leave a child out.

 

[shaylahc1]

I'm wondering if there is more to this story. Perhaps the 11 year old has behavioral problems or is a handful? I can't imagine a legitimate reason to only take the younger ones. Sounds more to me like grandma doesn't like the 11 y.o. for some reason.

In any case, I'd make it an all or nothing situation, too. In fact, I'd probably just say no since I'd worry about why grandma didn't want one of the kids going anyway and I'd worry about him being mistreated.

 

[StanH]

Just say no.


What a .......never mind.

 

[tjmw2727]

I wouldn't let two go without the third. I would talk to the MIL and find out her reasoning and see if there is some way to work it out.

While I don't think things have to be "equal to be fair" this just dosen't sound fair to me as an adult never mind as an 11yo.

Personally if it were me, based on the information provided, I would feel that I was putting two kids "in front" of the other one, from both sides that seems wrong to me. I wouldn't want the two going to feel that its ok to leave one behind and they somehow deserved it more and I wouldn't want the one left behind to feel he/she didn't deserve it. I have taken each of my dd's on a Mom & Me trip but they knew they would each get one and they did. When they were older and I could manage 2 alone they had a choice of solo or together they chose together!

Hope things work out -
TJ

 

[lynninpa]

At first I thought all three or none. Then I though, maybe not even all three.

I'm guessing the mother is not going. Even at this point, if the MIL agreed to take the 11 year old I am not sure I would let him go. When they get down there would he be treated like a second class citizen by her because "he has been there before"?

Good point, Pocahontas! As a mom, a mother-in-law and a grandmother myself, the MIL we are speaking of makes me sooo angry!

 

[lovesmurfs]

Another vote to say all or none. A 6 and 8 year old can certainly understand being left out, and if the mom explains it to them in their terms (the Lilo and Stitch reference was great!) I think they'll all be a stronger family unit because of it.

My grandmother always took me shopping, etc. and never/seldom my brother, and I and my parents always hated it (although looking back, Mom should have stopped it). It's a control thing. My mother told me never to let her do that... When she sent money for my son (going to camp earlier this summer) and nothing for my daughter, I reminded her about growing up, but she made a bunch of excuses (even though my daughter was also going to camp....). A few days later a card came, and everyone was happy.

 

[3mickeys&me]

That MIL has some nerve IMO. I agree with the other either all three go or no one goes!!! How can that MIL be so heartless. My oldest is almost 11 and he would be VERY VERY VERY hurt if my IL's took his younger brother to DW and not him. That is just WRONG!!!

 

[maxiesmom]

What the h*&L? All or none! How could someone be so heartless? I'll take him with me if you want when I go in October! My sis has 3 kids, so he would have lots of new friends!

 

[rt2dz]

If it were me...

All, one at a time (but all in total), or none. And under what has been presented, NONE. I also would like to add that I wouldn't tell the kids why they can't go, because that could damage the 11yo self esteem & the relationship in general. At that age, even if they say they don't care, they do.

 

[SpectroMouse]

If the grandmother already told the kids, the she has ruined her own relationship with the 11yo........not that she would care from the sounds of it!

If it were up to me nobody would go on a trip with her!

 

[patsal]

All or none, and I'd have no problem telling hte kids why. IF it is because of the upcharge associated with an 11 yo, then maybe I'd offer to pay the difference on the ticket price/meal plan, but that would be all I offered.

My Mother told my sister she'd like to take her boys for a week, Mom was paying for everything. Sister said yes, the boys were all set then sister said I changed my mind. Everyone is heartbroken and sister just laughs it off. I think it is sad.

 

[katied]

We're taking DNiece and DNephew for the second time this Sept. The deal we worked out with the kids last fall was that they would have to have good grades during the school year to go on the trip (since they will miss school for the trip in Sept.). So, if only one had good grades, then the other would not be able to go. However, we did not set the same standards for grades. DNiece generally gets straight A's, but DNephew has struggled. DNephew had to get a minimum of "Satisfactory" in all areas, and not be required to go to summer school. DNiece could get up to 1 B. Both meet the goals, and are able to go, but they would have understood up front if only one of them was going on the trip.

MIL, though, feels DNephew is too much work, so generally only wanted to do things with DNiece. She only sees the kids when they are staying with us, and we do not allow this. She can take them one at a time if that is easiest, but has to do something "special" with each, not just DNiece all the time because she's older, and easier. I can understand if both are too much, but she can't always pick the same one.

 

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

I have to agree. Say no! And I wouldn't even let them go if she says, "Okay. The 11 yo can come." Like someone else said, how will she treat him? The only way I would say all 3 can go if she agreed was if she gave you a REALLY good reason for excluding him in the first place. Personally, I have a hard time just going on a date with dh. I could never send my kids on a trip. That's just me.

In my house, we don't play favorites. We try to spoil our girls equally! lol

 

[writersblock42]

I would have to really know more about the situation to make a judgment and there may be more to the story that we don't know. For instance, if the MIL took the 11yo last time and this time wants to take the other two, I can understand that. I also understand if the 11yo is not the grandmother's grandchild (this would be the situation if the grandchild came from a different father). Especially if the woman is single that means that she is probably an ex-MIL or something so in the case that the child is from another father-the child is not even a step-grandchild anymore.The situation could have many different reasons-too many possible scenerios to judge from the info we know.

 

[JMLBrats]

I'm kind of thinking along the lines of what Tarheelmjfan said...my first reaction is, what is with the eleven year? Is there some issue with him that would make it more difficult to have him along?

If there is an issue w/him, that still doesn't make the way the MIL handled the situation right, but it might explain it more.

Just a thought.

 

[noahynav]

WHAT??!! Unbelieveable.

Gotta love that favoritism thing. At least now I know that I am not the only one that has family members who pull this crap.