OMG Paul - that's my idea of a nightmare! My MIL is widowed and flippin' hard work! Despite having a good pension and savings, she regularly plays the guilt trip thing with my DH - expecting him to contribute/pay up for a range of items from her last two cars to her Sky+ subscription. She even expects him to pay when/if she invites us up to Birmingham for lunch - IMO her attitude is unbelievable but I play along as I know my DH would hate any confrontation...
However she tried to invite herself on vacation with us last time we saw her and that was unacceptable to all of us. We managed to dodge the issue at the time by being deliberately vague about our plans and I have a range of excuses I can come up with if necessary - DH's changing his role at work; it's a tough year for us financially; not sure of DS's school timetable and many more! Despite the fact that we have holidays planned for next year and beyond, we try and make sure she thinks we go at short notice so no chance of her coming with us.
We had her to stay last October and she was beyond hard work - she was critical, extremely demanding and, on occasion, downright unpleasant!I know she would take all the relaxation and fun out of our precious family holidays so there is just no way...
I really hope you're able to work it out, Paul...
That's the same with us! Even when she suggests we go out to lunch - we do the 3+ hour journey on the M25/40/42/6 and then my DH is expected to pay for lunch for us, MIL, SIL and his niece!!! It's one of those issues I'm scared to dwell on as it just makes me feel
...I imagine it's easier for us as we live quite a way away from MIL so our lives are very separate. What we usually do is book as normal and just not say anything until three or four weeks before - then my DH tells her we have to go at that time as those are the only holiday dates open to him. Work is almost a religion as far as she's concerned so we just play up to that - if we tell her that DH's company won't let him have time off, she believes it. Actually he has had to cancel two holidays in the past due to work-related issues so it's not too far from the truth...
That's the same with us! Even when she suggests we go out to lunch - we do the 3+ hour journey on the M25/40/42/6 and then my DH is expected to pay for lunch for us, MIL, SIL and his niece!!! It's one of those issues I'm scared to dwell on as it just makes me feel
TBH I can get wound up just thinking about something that happened with MIL years ago! She's said/done some pretty awful stuff over the years - not least her unfounded negativity regarding our eldest DS which is unforgivable as far as I'm concerned...
I used to get v-e-r-y hissy about this sort of thing but sometimes (esp when you work for a US bank
) cr*p happens. It's only taken me 20+ years to work out that it makes it easier on my DH if I'm nice about it... 
We shall see...
(and I don't usually offer hugs to men)
.
What's the worst that can happen, she has a paddy and doesn't speak to you for a while, so what, you'll all get a breather for a while and maybe she'll actually realise that she can't impose her life on someone else's just because hers has changed.
I would encourage your wife to just tell her the truth, "i'm sorry Mum but our holidays are really special to us and it's the only time we get to spend quality time together, Florida is our escape from the realities of the world and we'd like to go on our own".
Don't say "but we'll take you somewhere else instead", she'll only see this as a red rag to a bull.
Bite the bullet and just tell her and don't worry about hurting her feelings, she hasn't thought about yours.
Good luck
) sparked something inside me. I had a very frank conversation with her and she's never tried to tell me what to do since. ) and that I was just telling her about our holdiay plans, not asking for her permission. It was such a huge weight off my shoulders - I wish I'd done it years earlier. The advantage I had is that it wasn't planned. I hadn't rehearsed a speech in my head. Having said that, there are strategies that I think could work for you. Calm, but determined. Broken record technique. State your case and don't feel the need to justify yourselves. Let her do the talking.
We're in a very similar situation, Paul. My Dad died 6 years ago (of a stroke at 65) and my Mum very much expected me to become her companion in his place. I was always very close to my parents, particularly my Mum, but I made it clear to her early on that it wasn't an option. I have a stressful full-time job, plus a husband and two daughters. My Mum is an only child and her parents had gone into a nursing home just before my Dad died and have subsequently died. My girls used to go to my parents' house before and after school (they're now 22 and 19). My Mum had led a charmed life, but everything came crashing down around her at the same time - my Dad died, her parents died (within 2 months of one another in their 90s) and my girls grew up and no longer needed her. The friends she and my Dad socialised with (3 couples) all moved away and my Dad's sister (probably my Mum's best friend) died within a few years of my Dad (at 60, also of a stroke). Perhaps unsurprisingly, my Mum has suffered from severe depression ever since and my life has changed beyond recognition. I do have a brother, but he lives 200 miles away, so he isn't around to share the burdon.
Anyway, that's just a bit of background, but my purpose for posting is to say that you really need to let go of any sense of guilt or duty (or whatever it is you're feeling) and just do what's right for you. Your m-i-l (like my mother) sounds very manipulative. Not in a nasty way - I really do love my Mum and she has many good qualities, but she has a way of getting her own way - always has. I'd rather have someone who is direct than someone who's contriving. I'm sure my Mum doesn't mean to be like it. In fact, both my Mum and Dad were very controlling (but at the same time very loving) and I was 38 (I'm 46 now) before I had an epiphany and told them they couldn't do it any longer. Funnily enough, it was a Florida holiday that sparked it. We'd booked a trip and I'd been dreading telling them. I'd put it off as long as I could - we were about a month away and I'd been stressing about it for at least a month before that. My Mum phoned one Sunday and I knew I had to tell her. It's still very vivid. She started on, as I knew she would - how could we afford it? (I've worked full-time in a good job since I was 18), what about the flight? (my Mum is a nervous flyer - something she's passed on to me), why did we need to go again so soon? Not once did it seem to occur to her that it was booked and (as in the past when we'd had exactly the same conversation) we weren't about to cancel. I think the weeks of trying to prepare myself for the conversation (without success, it seems
The point I'm trying to make is that a very direct conversation could change your relationship with her forever. I think your wife needs to be the one to do it, though. If she takes you up opn your offer to take the blame, that will work for now, but it won't change the balance of your relationship. I didn't get mad with my Mum (in the way I might have done in my younger days). I just told her straight that I was 38 years old, that I had earned my own money since I was 18, ran a home, had a husband who also earned money and had a say in things (don't let him know I said that
Phew - this is one big issue for you.
We had MIL on our first trip to Florida as a family - we'd been thinking about it for years and when I was due for a big bonus at work really started the planning.
Now my (God rest her soul, she was a gem really) MIL decided she'd like to come along too. She had been on a few trips over there since her best friend lives in West Palm Beach. Had also taken one of DH's sisters and their family out there, as well as her DS and husband, so you would have thought she knew the routine.
I won't bore you with all the day to day niggles, moans, gripes we had, because I know you are already having to deal with something similar
Nothing was right on this trip - too hot (it was very pleasant), too crowded (May time, practically dead from what we've experienced since), too much food, on and on and on.
Every evening we would discuss where we would go the following day - each person had their favourite place they wanted to visit and we made sure hers (Sea World) was no. 1. She had this seriously irritating way of saying "ok", but you knew it was far from ok . . . .
I can feel my BP rising just thinking back to that holiday
Take my advice - for your and your families sanity - please don't take her with you. You're already wound up about it and if she does go with you, you will spend every minute waiting for her next 'move', or comment (been there, done that).
Good luck, it's a nasty thing to have to deal with
Blinkin' heck!!!
I don't half feel for you Paul!
I've been in the opposite position though, because I tried for years to talk my in-laws into trying a week with us, and next May we're taking my mam, sister, BIL and two kids with us.
What I did do though, which put FIL off for a few invites, was tell them that it was our holiday and though we'd really like them to come and spend time with us we wouldn't be spending any time doing stuff we didn't want to. I wasn't trying to be off putting for them but that's how it turned out. I just told them that we'd be doing parks, water parks and malls and said they'd need to get their own car to see things they wanted to do that we didn't. It took FIL a while to get over his sulks and realise that this was better than getting resentful that no-one would go golfing with him and he could go and do it on his own - which he did and really enjoyed himself.
My mam is prepared to do whatever we do and isn't demanding at all. I've told my sister that if they want to get up for the rope drops, (BIL is known as The Scoutmaster because he marches everywhere with map in one hand and itinery in the other!), we'll just be boiling the kettle and we'll see them in three or four hours, and away for siesta at about three!
What I'm getting at is that if you lay it on the line and tell MIL exactly how the holiday Is-Going-To-Be it may make her decide that it's not her cup of tea. Tell her she'll be up at 7 for breakfast every day and in the parks til 8, and that you only shop for one morning/afternoon all holiday.
Or you could tell her to sling 'er hook! Either way, rather you than me mate!!
We're in a very similar situation, Paul. My Dad died 6 years ago (of a stroke at 65) and my Mum very much expected me to become her companion in his place. I was always very close to my parents, particularly my Mum, but I made it clear to her early on that it wasn't an option. I have a stressful full-time job, plus a husband and two daughters. My Mum is an only child and her parents had gone into a nursing home just before my Dad died and have subsequently died. My girls used to go to my parents' house before and after school (they're now 22 and 19). My Mum had led a charmed life, but everything came crashing down around her at the same time - my Dad died, her parents died (within 2 months of one another in their 90s) and my girls grew up and no longer needed her. The friends she and my Dad socialised with (3 couples) all moved away and my Dad's sister (probably my Mum's best friend) died within a few years of my Dad (at 60, also of a stroke). Perhaps unsurprisingly, my Mum has suffered from severe depression ever since and my life has changed beyond recognition. I do have a brother, but he lives 200 miles away, so he isn't around to share the burdon.
Anyway, that's just a bit of background, but my purpose for posting is to say that you really need to let go of any sense of guilt or duty (or whatever it is you're feeling) and just do what's right for you. Your m-i-l (like my mother) sounds very manipulative. Not in a nasty way - I really do love my Mum and she has many good qualities, but she has a way of getting her own way - always has. I'd rather have someone who is direct than someone who's contriving. I'm sure my Mum doesn't mean to be like it. In fact, both my Mum and Dad were very controlling (but at the same time very loving) and I was 38 (I'm 46 now) before I had an epiphany and told them they couldn't do it any longer. Funnily enough, it was a Florida holiday that sparked it. We'd booked a trip and I'd been dreading telling them. I'd put it off as long as I could - we were about a month away and I'd been stressing about it for at least a month before that. My Mum phoned one Sunday and I knew I had to tell her. It's still very vivid. She started on, as I knew she would - how could we afford it? (I've worked full-time in a good job since I was 18), what about the flight? (my Mum is a nervous flyer - something she's passed on to me), why did we need to go again so soon? Not once did it seem to occur to her that it was booked and (as in the past when we'd had exactly the same conversation) we weren't about to cancel. I think the weeks of trying to prepare myself for the conversation (without success, it seems
The point I'm trying to make is that a very direct conversation could change your relationship with her forever. I think your wife needs to be the one to do it, though. If she takes you up opn your offer to take the blame, that will work for now, but it won't change the balance of your relationship. I didn't get mad with my Mum (in the way I might have done in my younger days). I just told her straight that I was 38 years old, that I had earned my own money since I was 18, ran a home, had a husband who also earned money and had a say in things (don't let him know I said that
