MIL Help

[rabyoga]

I have a rant and I feel guilty about it. Here's the deal: My MIL lives in West Virginia and she is in her mid-70's. We know we have to see her but plane tickets are gonna cost us about $400 a piece for the 3 of us. We have to fly to see her. She will not fly to see us. I've asked and asked about this. But my hubby says she will not get on a plane. I asked if her doctor will give her some meds to help her nerves; but my hubby says my MIL will not fly. It upsets me. I would love for her to visit us-get out of her apartment (which is basically a slum-there are gangs and drug dealers living there- but she can't afford anything else and wouldn't move even if she could). I want to visit but feel VERY uncomfortable visiting her in her neighborhood (last time we visited there was a shooting across the street a few days beforehand). Not to mention the expense. My daughter wonders why her Grandma won't visit us like her other grandparents.
I know there isn't a real solution. I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[Tink888]

It's okay - rant away.

How is her health? If your MIL doesn't like to fly, would she be willing to take a train? It'd still take a long time to get to your place but for the 400.00 she'd spend on airfare, maybe she could get a sleeper cabin or something and have a nice little cross-country road trip. Just a thought.

 

[Bluestars]

Can your husband visit her by himself? Then it would only be one plane ticket and you wouldn't have to worry about the safety of your daughter and yourself. I know it wouldn't be the same, but that is the only other option I can think of since she won't fly on a plane.

If you do all go, I would definitely stay in a safe hotel and have your husband pick her up and meet somewhere for meals, etc. I would not take my daughter to a dangerous neighborhood, especially with a shooting right across the street. It's really too bad she can't move to someplace safer. Crimes against the elderly happen a lot.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

The woman is 70 years old! I don't know how much you really can expect. It is probobly more than nerves. Regaurdless of how livley she may look to you. It is probobly very tiring to travel that far.
If the neighborhood is that unsafe, maybe DH should just go alone, and you should not bring your children.
Or maybe you could agree to meet her at a town close by that IS SAFE. You could get a hotel room for all of you and claim you wanted to feel like you were on vacation???

 

[Pamlur]

Unless her health is bad, that distance shouldn't really bother her physically. I'm 65 and had no hesitation in September, hopping on a plane to S. Africa for two weeks.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[luvsJack]

My mom is in her 70's and the first time she flew was with my sis to Alaska. She got extremely upset on the flight and really worried my sister. We both decided we would never suggest she fly again. I don't fly either, so I can certainly sympathize with your MIL on that one.

I don't mean to flame you or your dh; but if my mother lived in a neighborhood as bad as that, I would move her even if it meant her moving in with me. Older folks don't like change and I understand that, but I couldn't sleep at night knowing she could get shot in her own bed! My mother can be pretty stubborn about things like that too but once we insist enough she starts thinking maybe we are right and then it becomes her own idea .

 

[RNMOM]

What about Amtrak? They come into ABQ from Chicago. Is taking the Greyhound possible? Perhaps DH could fly to see her and come back on the train with her? She might want to move in when she sees how much better you all live than her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have your DH fly down there and fly her back up to your place.

If she won't do that then I can't say I don't blame you for not wanting to go visit the slums.

My grandparents were on the East Side of Detriot with 10 locks on their front door and bars on all of their windows.

Part of the issue may be that since she is in a bad area, she does not want to leave her place for fear of getting ripped off.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Or maybe you could agree to meet her at a town close by that IS SAFE. You could get a hotel room for all of you and claim you wanted to feel like you were on vacation???

That is a great solution.

 

[EthansMom]

Does MIL work? If she doesn't and has the time, consider paying for her to come visit you, traveling via Amtrack or Greyhound. My maternal grandma travels via Greyhound.

Also, consider asking MIL to meet your family on vacation. The last couple of years, my Mom and StepDad have met us on vacation once a year.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I have no advice, there doesn't seem to be a way around this. When SOME folks reach a certain age they become fearful of change, my DH's Grandma was this way... any talk of travel would cause the most fretful worry I have ever seen.

It's true. I think some older folks, not necessarily all, get to a point where travel just makes them nervous and uncomfortable. I don't know if, as a PP suggested, they are nervous about being away from their doctors, worried about getting into some sort of accident, or what exactly, but I know it's a real fear.

My grandparents flew once to visit us (ND to CA), and my grandmother was a nervous wreck, refusing to fly again. DH's grandmother, who used to travel quite a bit, now doesn't like the idea of flying, so this year we looked into the train or just driving down to get her. (She lives only about 3 hours away.) She was still nervous about the train, but willing to try it; plans then changed and she wound up driving up with a friend, but I think she's also getting nervous about driving that far.

Last week she mentioned she was looking into local hotel rates for us, for the next time we come to visit. I took it as a big hint that she just doesn't like to travel anymore and would be much more at ease and enjoy the visit if we did the traveling from now on.

To the OP, I understand not wanting to visit a bad area. I have a relative living in a bad area, too, and it makes me nervous to take my kids there. I sure don't let them play outside when we're there!

It sure would be nice if your MIL could move to a nicer area, maybe with a lower cost of living, so that you could visit. Good luck to you all.

 

[rabyoga]

Thanks for the replies... I feel better. She hates traveling. She has a mental illness and I suspect this is part of it. As for seeing her, we'll fly. (I figure that we'll shave a few bucks off by using our Visa rewards.) But we can't get her out of her apartment. I would love to move her elsewhere; but she simply won't move. (I had an aunt who also had mental illness and was the same way. It's sort of a form of agrophobia.)
I was mainly venting... Thanks for listening.