MIL did it again!

[johnsontrio]

Of course I am not surprised. I was just surprised that the DS#4 were surprised. We went to my SIL's on Christmas Eve and my MIL was there handing out the Christmas cards. I generally take the large envelope with everyone's gift and hand them out later. My niece and nephews were anxious to open their cards and they did. Very pleased with the $50 bills that they received they shared their excitement, particularly the 12 year old. Our DSs, 3 of whom were there, waited until they got home to open their cards. As typical, they received their usual $10. DS#1,2,3 laughed and said, "I guess we aren't the favorite grandkids again this year". DS#4 was shocked. My comment to him was, "why are you surprised? This has been the case since the day you were born". While those kids got $50, they are not the favorite grandchildren. The two children of her DD are the favorite, so they received at least $100 each.

I have this same topic going on in my thread about big family Christmases. This is the same thing I have experienced for the past 16 yrs. in my DHs family. The children of the daughters are the valued children and the sons kids, not so much. I have come to find out that this is very common in Italian families. DHs DM is 100% Italian. Are your DILs Italian? Just curious.

 

[johnsontrio]

Our family has similar gift issues. I will give $25 to each of my nephews...but my kids get $6 if they are 6, $8 if they are 8, etc. Of course these type of gifts were given right after I sent the $25!

I'm curiuos. I think you have 4 kids, right? Do the other families only have 2 kids? I know a lot of families will give "family" gift and each family gets a check for some amount of money...but each family gets the same amount.

In our family we spend $100 per family...it doesn't matter if you have 3 kids or 2 kids...etc.

That is perfectly fine but then the gift should be given to the parents, not divided up individually to each child. Doing so makes the child with more siblings appear less valued.

 

[travelbug]

My MIL is the same way. She once gave all the grandkids cards on Christmas Eve. Not their gift, but just a card with money. My kids got $1.00 & the other grandkids got $5.00. My DH asked her what that was all about & she said the other grandchild are her daughter's children. My DH asked what that meant & she said "you know, daughters are so special"

Unbelievable!

What does your DH say about all of this? Does he have any explanation? Is this how he was treated when he was growing up? Does he ever want to ask his mother why she does this? I would just be so curious about this behavior and I can't imagine not confronting her. But it should come from DH, as it is his mother. So... what is his reaction?

I'm kind of curious about this too.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Aren't your kids older, though? I understand being hurt. My dad's mom was like this. She liked her biological grandchildren more than she liked me, so they always were treated more warmly. I guess I knew it, and just didn't care. Someone I am not close to can't hurt me, kwim? I guess I would think that your sons being older they would be kind of past being too hurt by this.

 

[englishteacha]

I can't imagine giving unequal monetary gifts. I buy for 5 nieces/nephews on my side of the family. I have a $10ish limit. 4 got iTunes cards for $10 and truffles; the 5th got a $10 Walmart card and a can of pumpkin (the kid likes to eat canned pumpkin...he was thrilled!). I can't imagine giving one of them a present that was obviously more costly than what I gave the others.

Shame on your MIL.

 

[johnsontrio]

I can't imagine giving unequal monetary gifts. I buy for 5 nieces/nephews on my side of the family. I have a $10ish limit. 4 got iTunes cards for $10 and truffles; the 5th got a $10 Walmart card and a can of pumpkin (the kid likes to eat canned pumpkin...he was thrilled!). I can't imagine giving one of them a present that was obviously more costly than what I gave the others.

Shame on your MIL.

If you have been following any of the threads on the canned pumpkin, you know what a valuable gift this is!

 

[ksjayhawks]

My mil does a unique thing with gift money for birthdays and christmas. The grandkids get $50 for birthday and for $75 for Christmas until they get married. Then they must split their birthday money with their spouse--each gets $25 and share the christmas money. ILs are not poor in any way, shape or form, and can afford to give $50 to each gkid and their spouse; same for xmas money. I guess I have a hard time with the reasoning--if dh or dbil would have had more children the gkids would get the money, but adding on through marriage and you have to split. . .

Of course, she also gave both sons the same gift and both dils the same gift. You just hoped that your list got to her before the other person's did. While sis-in-law and I like a lot of the same things, we also had vastly different wish lists--which we were asked to supply; same for the guys. Why ask for a wish list if you aren't going to use it???

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

This sounds just like my DH's father. He favored his DD's children over his DS's children. He would give his DD's children $100 each for Christmas, plus gifts, and his sons' children $10 and no gifts, if he gave them anything at all. What was even worse was two of the families lived next door to each other, and the kids knew all about the difference in the amounts of money given! The favored grandchildren would brag to their cousins! And no, he was not Italian, just a sorry, evil old man. I hated him with a passion, and did not shed one tear when he died!! I can assure you that if DH's sons had been my children, that old man's behavior would have changed the first time my children were slighted, or he would never have seen them again! Fortunately DH's sons didn't live nearby the old coot, so didn't see the favoritism very often. Everyone else in their family just shook their heads and said, "oh, you know how dad is"... Not me. I would never allow my child to be treated second class by anyone.

Hugs to your children, Dawn, for having such a lousy grandmother!

 

[DawnCt1]

I totally agree. Has anyone ever said anything to her? I wouldn't be able to hold back.

The funny thing is, BIL/SIL are very much aware of it, as are their kids, but while they say it is absolutely terrible and they don't understand it; after all, she doesn't hesitate to call DH for any minor problem, they do not say a word.

 

[DawnCt1]

What does your DH say about all of this? Does he have any explanation? Is this how he was treated when he was growing up? Does he ever want to ask his mother why she does this? I would just be so curious about this behavior and I can't imagine not confronting her. But it should come from DH, as it is his mother. So... what is his reaction?

He says that it is typical of her behavior. He left home at 18, joined the Army and never moved back. Her big complaint about him, which I heard about for years, was that he was a colicky baby who disrupted her sleep. Isn't there an "expiration date" on that?! He put himself through college and medical school. One particularly lean year my FIL noticed that his tire tread was low. He "bought" us some tires, which we had to pay to have mounted and then told us how much we owed him. When the lived out of state, we let them stay at our house. Her DD's husband wouldn't let them stay at his house because she was "too heavy" and too "hard" on the furniture because of her weight.

 

[Dee & Greg]

We have no children... but we have 2 nieces and 1 nephew, and 2 step-nieces (DH's brother's step-daughters... lovely girls!)
This year, since they are all teenagers, we thought cash was the best gift. A couple of the nieces are saving for a class trip in the Spring.
ALL of them received the same amount from us... no distinguishing "real" nieces from "step" nieces. Can't imagine all of them not being equal.

But, then again, we have no family drama. I'm blessed to have fabulous in-laws...and very sweet brother and sister in laws.

(on a side note... my famously funny MIL story: When DH and I announced our engagement (DH is the oldest of four), MIL said to me "do you have any friends? Because I have three others that need to get out of my house". God, she was funny. Loved her every day!)

 

[bfeller]

Been there and experienced that. I tried to talk to my MIL and it didn't make any difference at all. She could justify her actions in her mind. This is going to sound absolutely cruel but the best thing that happened to stop this hurtful action for my children was when MIL died. No more hurt feelings for the living.

I am so sorry for you and your children.

 

[NC State]

Wow, that's awful. Next time you should let your DSs open it in front of her and say, "hey, how come they got more?" If she is rude enough to do that then she deserves a little comeuppance, if you know what I mean!!!!

I agree...it's time to call her out.

 

[OceanAnnie]

We have no children... but we have 2 nieces and 1 nephew, and 2 step-nieces (DH's brother's step-daughters... lovely girls!)
This year, since they are all teenagers, we thought cash was the best gift. A couple of the nieces are saving for a class trip in the Spring.
ALL of them received the same amount from us... no distinguishing "real" nieces from "step" nieces. Can't imagine all of them not being equal.

But, then again, we have no family drama. I'm blessed to have fabulous in-laws...and very sweet brother and sister in laws.

(on a side note... my famously funny MIL story: When DH and I announced our engagement (DH is the oldest of four), MIL said to me "do you have any friends? Because I have three others that need to get out of my house". God, she was funny. Loved her every day!)

That is so cute! Your MIL sounds like she was charming and funny.

 

[MelanieC]

Wow that is awful.

Now my mom does give my kids and one of her stepkids children more than she gives the ones that live near her, but it is because she is there with them and takes them out and buys them more, takes them out to dinner more, etc. Plus she mails ours and she would never blatently do that in front of the kids.

My MIL is really fair. She always spends the same amount on all the grandkids and adults.

 

[mefordis]

My mother treats all of her grand children equally, but I have seen where a grandmother will treat the children of the daughter much better than the children of the son, for some reason. I think it's because a lot of times they have a closer relationship to the daughter and thus a closer relationship to her children. I think it's terrible, but that is what I've personally seen with my sister's MIL.

The favoritism extended well beyond gifts. They would come to our DSs little league games,JV and then varsity, and always leave early if favorite grand daughter was playing soccer. That was very difficult for all of the DSs, particularly if they were pitching or catching and saw their grandparents fold up their chairs in the middle of the game and leave. I told them if they couldn't come for the entire game, not to come at all. Their departure was too distracting and hurtful. They never came to any after that if favorite DD was playing soccer.

 

[FergieTCat]

I have no respect for grandparents who blatantly exhibit such favoritism. I was the first grandchild, and my grandma would tell me in private that I had an extra special place in their heart. I would never have wanted my cousins to know that for fear of hurting their feelings. Hey, for all I know she may have been telling each of us that. It's nice to feel special, but not at the expense of other family members feelings.

My grandmother DID do that. She would tell each one of her 6 grandchildren in private that s/he was her favorite. I never realized it until after she passed away and my cousin broke the news!

 

[2girlsmom]

Wow, mine are not that blatant, thank GOD! So far most of the time my kids don't notice that they aren't the favored children, though we do. We did have drama over it earlier this year due to the fact that my inlaws go to EVERY hockey game my dn plays in and most of the hockey games that the kid my bil "sponsors" (high school kid that lives with them during hockey season) plays in, but when my kids were in a musical in Nov, he opted to not attend for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. This was definitely not the first occasion, but was the most blatant in quite a while and was my dh's last straw. He blew up over it, and refused to have any contact with his dad for several weeks, until finally my dmil and I worked out for them to discuss, and dfil apologized (which absolutely SHOCKED me).

 

[sue1013]

My MIL pulls the same thing. When she had 3 grandchildren she was always fair with gifts. DH's sister had her children 10 yrs after the others. We used to go to the inlaws on Christmas Eve. They had a tv in the extra bedroom after presents and dinner were done the kids would ask to go watch a Christmas show in the room. They went in there and here was a whole bed full of gifts for her daughters son. None of the 3 said anything until the next year they found the same thing again then they told us and sil. Sil and I asked MIL about it her answer was that our kids were older and would have more time to get gifts from her the little one wouldn't have the same amount of time since she would die soon! She didn't feel it was unfair at all. That was the last year we went there for Christmas Eve I would host and now DD hosts. I'm sure she still does the same for her dd's 2 kids but at least we don't have to see it.

 

[DawnCt1]

Been there and experienced that. I tried to talk to my MIL and it didn't make any difference at all. She could justify her actions in her mind. This is going to sound absolutely cruel but the best thing that happened to stop this hurtful action for my children was when MIL died. No more hurt feelings for the living.

I am so sorry for you and your children.

You are right on everything you wrote. It makes no difference. She knows she does it. I have seen her favor one grand daughter over another with a beautiful dress for one and nothing for the other. No special occasion, just she saw it and knew "it would look good on L".