MIL did it again!

[punkin]

My FIL used to do give my girls unequal gifts "because one is just so much older" until DH and I made a fuss. Now they both get the same thing. Yes we still know who the favorite grandchild is (my oldest) but at least there is no differentiation in gifts.

 

[VillageMama]

My kids got $1.00 & the other grandkids got $5.00. My DH asked her what that was all about & she said the other grandchild are her daughter's children. My DH asked what that meant & she said "you know, daughters are so special"

Now don't get jealous, BLTtinkerbell, but I think I just fell a little bit in love with your husband.

Good for him for sticking up for his children to his mother! People like that need to be told in no uncertain terms that hurtful, prejudiced behavior will not be tolerated. Allowing it to continue makes you almost as guilty as the one doing the bad action.

 

[Tracy Savage]

I think I would have to ban her from my house and my kids. After all I've read, why should I put my kids in a place to be hurt. So sad. They are better off without her around.

 

[Hoodie]

My DH asked what that meant & she said "you know, daughters are so special"

My MIL told me this too! My son is her second grandchild (both boys). This was my son's first Christmas so we don't have experience with gift giving yet, but when we first brought my son out to meet my DH's family (we live 300+ miles from family), she said "he is cute - but you know, the first grandchild is always so much more special."

Thankfully, my DH didn't hear her. He'd be devastated.

 

[Motherofboys]

My MIL told me this too! My son is her second grandchild (both boys). This was my son's first Christmas so we don't have experience with gift giving yet, but when we first brought my son out to meet my DH's family (we live 300+ miles from family), she said "he is cute - but you know, the first grandchild is always so much more special."

Thankfully, my DH didn't hear her. He'd be devastated.

Your MIL said this to you?? Really, to the baby's mom? Some people have a real case of the ******* apparently!! I would have shot back a withering look and something like "Well we believe all children are special, but that's just us"

FWIW, this is a major reason that my MIL is no longer part of our lives or our childrens. My DH was so tired of the favortism she constantly showed to his sister's kids and his daughter from his first marriage. She always had her justificaitions but those mean NOTHING to little kids who are feeling hurt and slighted by someone who is supposed to love them!

After several Christmases of the other children receiving monogrammed backpacks and clothes from LL Bean while ours got a toy from Walmart and clothes from the thrift shop - the kids were getting wise to the unfairness. Finally she just quit sending gifts to them at all - just empty promises of a check and a card sometime soon - never materialized.

My poor DH got tired of having to explain to the boys why Grandma still hadn't sent the check after so many weeks, she was "broke" - yet she was off in Vegas again for the weekend (no, she doesn't gamble and she wasn't really broke)!

Second class citizen his whole life to his sister?? My DH could deal with that. Making his kids endure the same treatment?? NOT HAPPENING! Good riddance to bad rubbish! I have never been prouder of him!

We are now over a year with her out of our lives, the kids don't notice anymore.....her loss.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

That's so mean.

My Mom used to do favoritism in a different way. My parents are Rv'ers. They live in an RV most of the year since Dad retired. They drive around the country visiting our families (they've got 4 daughters, lots of grandkids).

Mom would invite the grandsons to sleep in their RV one night per trip. She'd want them dropped off around 8pm and picked up by 8am.

The granddaughters are treated differently. Mom wants them dropped off earlier and also wants them to stay all thru the next day.

Dad just wanted them to stay and would treat them all equally.

Well, I put a stop to Mom's nonsense quick. I told her if she can't treat the kids equally (I've got a son and daughter), then neither can stay overnight with them in their RV.
She said she didn't realize she did it and apologized.

So on their last trip, we tried it again. Nope, she treated DD much better than DS. So now there is no more sleepovers with the Grandparents in their RV.

My kids also much prefer my Dad over my Mom and I'm sure how she acts with each of them has alot to do with it.

 

[DawnCt1]

That's so mean.

My Mom used to do favoritism in a different way. My parents are Rv'ers. They live in an RV most of the year since Dad retired. They drive around the country visiting our families (they've got 4 daughters, lots of grandkids).

Mom would invite the grandsons to sleep in their RV one night per trip. She'd want them dropped off around 8pm and picked up by 8am.

The granddaughters are treated differently. Mom wants them dropped off earlier and also wants them to stay all thru the next day.

Dad just wanted them to stay and would treat them all equally.

Well, I put a stop to Mom's nonsense quick. I told her if she can't treat the kids equally (I've got a son and daughter), then neither can stay overnight with them in their RV.
She said she didn't realize she did it and apologized.

So on their last trip, we tried it again. Nope, she treated DD much better than DS. So now there is no more sleepovers with the Grandparents in their RV.

My kids also much prefer my Dad over my Mom and I'm sure how she acts with each of them has alot to do with it.

MIL/FIL never had our kids sleep over. The other grand children did, but not ours. In the last days of my mother's life, my MIL finally offered to help but didn't offer to do anything. I suggested that she could take the kids to the movies since they were stuck in the house. She said she had "no idea what they would like to see". I told her that she could ask them. As it turned out, she didn't have to take them anywhere. My mother died the day before in our home. Her contribution at that time? A platter of pressed ham, half of it fat.

 

[purpletiger]

OP- it's like you are writing a story about my MIL. On Christmas eve we were all over at SIL house. They waited and waited til the last minute to open gifts and by that time our kids were tired and wanted to just get it over with. MIL let them open their gifts and we left. It was too late to wait and see what SIL's kids got from MIL. Christmas day we went back and I tried to ask what everyone got the night before, but was shut down and was never told what she got them. HUUUMMMMM makes you wonder. Similar situation as yours.

As far as kids soccer games, she has came to 1 in the 6 years of them playing. She was late then and left early. Same situation as yours. She has gone to every one of SIL kids games.

I do think she favors her daughters kids over her sons (my DH's) kids. I have spoken to her about it but does no good. So eventually one day my kids will realize (DD11 already has started asking) will not want to see or have anything to do with her and I will respect their decision. Sad but it's her loss, not ours.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

My MIL told me this too! My son is her second grandchild (both boys). This was my son's first Christmas so we don't have experience with gift giving yet, but when we first brought my son out to meet my DH's family (we live 300+ miles from family), she said "he is cute - but you know, the first grandchild is always so much more special."

Thankfully, my DH didn't hear her. He'd be devastated.

We had the oldest grandchild. Then after 2 years of being unable to conceive, finally got preggers with DS2. We were thrilled, but DH's sis was getting married and that was a much bigger deal. Then before the wedding she got preggers. That was a huge deal. MIL told me after Dh's sis's shower that someone said to her, "Aren't grandchildren wonderful?" She responded, "yes, espcecially when it is your own daughter." HELLO, you're telling me that my children aren't as wonderful to you! When DH tried to talk to his dad about how different they were with ours and his sis's baby, his dad just said, "it's different." Why, they're all your grandkids?

We know who the favorites are, but as long as it isn't blatant, we don't say anything. After a few years, it stopped being so obvious. They would never give unequal gifts for birthdays or Christmas. I give them credit for that.

What I always loved about DH's grandmother was how fairly she treated EVERYONE. I'm sure they all believed they were the favorites because that is how she treated everyone, even spouses. My goal is to be like that.

 

[5lilfish]

I sort of lived this growing up too. My father's step-mother and my grandfather were that way. We were raised to think of her as Grandma and my father treated her as a mother (even when his mother was still alive). I remember going over there for Christmas the year that Cabbage Patch kids were popular. I had to be about 9. I saw a wrapped gift with the distinct shape of a Cabbage Patch Kid. The gift was for my Grandma's neighbor's DD. For my brother, sister and me: My parents were handed a $15 check and told to split it among us. The next year I went over there and there was a box shaped just like a Pound Puppy. My mom says that she got an awful look on her face when she saw it and that I said, "Don't worry, Mom. I know it's not for me."

Kids know when they are loved. The funny thing...my Dad's biological Mom was pretty poor. I remember going over to her house for christmas every year too. She would get all excited to see us and give us each a plastic Candy Cane full of M&M's. Honestly, even at 9 yrs old I knew enough and appreciated that Candy Cane more than the $5 check. Even as a kid I knew which gift was given with love.

My Dad's step-Mom never treated us well. I remember, as an adult, going over to her appartment. She showed off this calander she had. It had pockets for every month so that she could keep the cards (b-day, etc) in each month. When I looked at the calander, none of our b-days were on it. Yet, lord help us if we forgot her b-day. By the time I was 25, I had given up on that. My visits with her got fewer and further between. Sadly, she died a few months back. It's awful to say this but I had very little emotion when I heard....and I am the least likely person to write someone off. There was just never any real love from her and eventually the relationship became distant.

I think it sucks that anyone would do this.

Jess

 

[Nancyg56]

What does your DH say about all of this? Does he have any explanation? Is this how he was treated when he was growing up? Does he ever want to ask his mother why she does this? I would just be so curious about this behavior and I can't imagine not confronting her. But it should come from DH, as it is his mother. So... what is his reaction?

This must break his heart

You are right on everything you wrote. It makes no difference. She knows she does it. I have seen her favor one grand daughter over another with a beautiful dress for one and nothing for the other. No special occasion, just she saw it and knew "it would look good on L".

This entire thread breaks my heart. I cannot imagine treating one child or one grandchild differently than another. My lovely DDIL once told me that she worried how her baby would be treated if she and DS had a child, Kady is so special. I had to explain to her that her baby would be my son's child, I did not need any more reason to love that baby.

Dawn, I cannot even express how sad I am for your kids, especially the son who was hurt. Remember that they will remember when they are older, there is no way that old goat can make up to them the hurt she has done but they will never be able to feel the same as they do for you Mom. The old witch should take a step back and think about how this affects her son and why she treats his children this way. I am not sure I respect your IL's for not speaking up and telling that woman that enough is enough.

 

[bumbershoot]

5lilfish, reading your post...it finally all got to me. So much hurt and pain these relatives can cause.

I guess I always knew that, b/c of our father's low status in the family (what were we? prairie dogs?) that we weren't the most loved by his mother. We got state spoons from her, when we got anything. But we also knew that she had a LOT of kids and a whole lot of grandkids, and she was cold to all of us, so there were just really low expectations.

And we didn't have many holidays with my stepmom's parents after my half brothers were born (not b/c of the boys! but because I was 15 when the second was born, my brother was 12, and we had other things to do), and I only remember one present from them BUT don't remember any bad feelings (I do remember the cool glow in the dark alarm clock, and the electric blanket in the bedroom my brother and I got to share there!). And stepgrandmother sent me a nice card and check when I got married (stepgrandfather had died years before).


So I don't have much pain associated with it all, but that's mainly b/c I so rarely saw any grandparents...

But gosh, there's just so much nastiness coming from these people...it's so sad.

We're in the weird position of having MIL's third grandchild, but the first boy, and in Korean culture that's really important. Sons are VERY important and everyone wants them...but then having a good daughter in law is almost more important (but no one, at least from MIL's generation, seems to want to have the daughter that becomes the DIL) (MIL's sisters think I'm wonderful...MIL does not and only complains about me, and her sisters yell at her about it, bwa ha ha). And grandsons are important.

Thankfully, we never see her at the same time that her granddaughters see her. And MIL has no money to give anyone anymore. But I know if we ever did see them all at once, there would be heavy favoritism, and that would just be rotten (we would say something, absolutely), even though the favor would be given to DS.

 

[ZPT1022]

I have this same topic going on in my thread about big family Christmases. This is the same thing I have experienced for the past 16 yrs. in my DHs family. The children of the daughters are the valued children and the sons kids, not so much. I have come to find out that this is very common in Italian families. DHs DM is 100% Italian. Are your DILs Italian? Just curious.

I don't think it's an Italian thing- my Dad is Italian and the whole family is all very much about the first born son and carrying on the family name. My father was treated like a prince and so is my oldest younger brother. It's all very obvious and the explanation is "OH, but he'll be carrying on the family name" Honestly, I think that if I didn't have the only great grandchildren, I might not hear from some of these people anymore, but they like having the kids around. I'm curious to see if my kids will be pushed aside the second that one of my brothers or cousins (I'm the only girl) has kids.

My mother treats all of her grand children equally, but I have seen where a grandmother will treat the children of the daughter much better than the children of the son, for some reason. I think it's because a lot of times they have a closer relationship to the daughter and thus a closer relationship to her children. I think it's terrible, but that is what I've personally seen with my sister's MIL.

My MIL is like this. I have three kids and one on the way and while she will try to give us guilt all the time over not going over there enough (we live 15 minutes away and DH does SO much around the house/yard for her...she's not unable to, btw) but she spends most of her free time going to SIL's house. SIL lives 2 hours away but MIL is up there almost every weekend. My kids will try to call her and get upset that she is always up there but what can I do.


OP, it sucks but there's not much you can do. Hopefully at this point your kids realize the issue belongs to MIL, and has nothing to do with them- their emotional well being would be my only concern

 

[Lachesis00]

I know my MIL favors her bio kids (my husband is adopted, as are 2 siblings). You can outright see it. Not just my husband. Same goes for the grandkids. She has yet to stop here and visit or even do a quick layover. She's been east of us many, many times since DS was born.
However she goes to Seattle 4-8x a year. Granted, she gets medical done there, but she will stay 2-4+ weeks at a time, including every major holiday. We've invited her here, but she refuses. If I didn't have to go back when my Grandma died almost 2 years ago, My BIL got married and my Mom dying a year ago (plus we flew back again when we had her "Celebration of Life" ceremony over Mother's Day, my MIL would not have met the 2 youngest Grandchildren. And she was very, very stand-offish when she did meet my younger son.
When she sees them she does seem happy and excited. And we've finally gotten her to use Skype, which we do once a week or every other week.
She also makes me mad because my husband will say what a great job I am doing and everything the babies (as we call them LOL) know is because I sit and play/teach/talk to them. She totally blows it off or makes snide comments. It really stinks.

It really makes me sad. I will say she has always been good (except this last Christmas) to my oldest who is not her bio-grandchild in any way or form. I had him before I met my dh.

 

[DawnCt1]

This must break his heart





This entire thread breaks my heart. I cannot imagine treating one child or one grandchild differently than another. My lovely DDIL once told me that she worried how her baby would be treated if she and DS had a child, Kady is so special. I had to explain to her that her baby would be my son's child, I did not need any more reason to love that baby.

Dawn, I cannot even express how sad I am for your kids, especially the son who was hurt. Remember that they will remember when they are older, there is no way that old goat can make up to them the hurt she has done but they will never be able to feel the same as they do for you Mom. The old witch should take a step back and think about how this affects her son and why she treats his children this way. I am not sure I respect your IL's for not speaking up and telling that woman that enough is enough.

I am not sure I do either. Its an "as long as I get mine" attitude. Interestingly enough, she has made DH executor of her will. I told him that he can bill the estate for those services and he ought to bill for the MAX just to make up for all of the slights at Christmas, and hand the cash out as a "post mortem gift". Edited to add, and make sure his siblings know why and what he did with the extra money.

 

[talulabelle]

We must be sister-in-laws, because I think we share the same MIL. Mine does the same darn thing. I resolved a LONG time ago to let it go and not get to me. I used to fight these sorts of things and get mad at hubby for letting it happen, then I realized that is what she wants to happen. She wants me to feel slighted. She wants me to know her daughters kids are more important than mine, she wants DH to be unhappy with me. I don't giver her the satisfaction. I make a big deal out of thanking her for her generosity and give DH a big hug and kiss in front of her. I have the kids write thank you notes. That gets to her more.

 

[Tigger2252]

My poor kids were always slighted by my DH's mother and grandmother. His mother has always favored my SIL's kids. Made all of their birthday cakes, traveled 45 minutes to visit them, never missed a school function, and had them sleep over at her house many times. Always gave them nicer gifts at Christmas. Most years she got my SIL's kids something nice like a remote control car, CD player, etc. My two girls usually got a leftover craft item that she wasn't able to sell during the fall craft show season or a coloring book and a small box of crayons from the Dollar Store. Because we all got together for the holiday, the kids could see the difference in the gifts.

His grandmother favored my DH's kids from his first marriage. She never missed a birthday, celebrated all the holidays with them, and even called my DH's ex-wife's kids by her new husband her grandchildren. She had every one of the great grandchildren over for weekends except my kids. She said my kids couldn't stay until my DHs older kids stayed first. Well, they didn't want to stay, and never came over. My kids never did get invited.

The minute they started to really notice they weren't treated the same I stopped trying to have contact. I wasn't going to see them intentionally hurt. I figured it was his mother & grandmother's loss. Now the girls are 22 and 16 and don't have any relationship with his mom and when his grandmother passed they didn't even want to go to the services. They only went for their daddy.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am not sure I do either. Its an "as long as I get mine" attitude. Interestingly enough, she has made DH executor of her will. I told him that he can bill the estate for those services and he ought to bill for the MAX just to make up for all of the slights at Christmas, and hand the cash out as a "post mortem gift". Edited to add, and make sure his siblings know why and what he did with the extra money.

This makes no sense to me. Why on earth would that foolish woman make your DH executor after her death when she clearly favors her others now? It seems to me that the old witch knows she causes pain and continues even after her death.

My DD"s il's are like this. For some reason the mother does not like my DSIL and she treats his family very badly. She did not realize my DD is a tiger when it comes to her DH and that while he was willing to tolerate the nastiness and the negligence the mother treated him with, not so with his DD. My beautiful DGD was given one little $1 pony the year before last and her cousin was given very expensive gifts, right in front of her. DD got an expired jelly and DSIL a beef stick. His siblings got digital cameras and printer docks. DGD was too well brought up to even say anything but DSIL decided that she should never think she was not as loved as her cousin and has not celebrated at his Mother's. I told DD that Kady should never ever see her father treated disrespectfully.

DH and I just shake our heads, we would give anything to have them all here even more often and DSIL's mother cannot even see the lovely young lady Kady is growing up to be.

Your MIL is a shameful woman, she deliberately hurts her grandchildren for some personal reason, and uses her son in some strange manner.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Uggh, you are just not having a good week are you?

Maybe you can lighten the heaviness of the situation and make the offense a us-vs-her situation by taking in family bets on how much the difference will be between your boys and the other family members. Instead of a "Football Pool" create a "Grandma Pool" where the winner wins the total of her offensive gifts. Now my suggestion won't change a single thing she does but it would change how your family feels about it, and that's all you really can control anyway. BTW, I know how this reads and yes, I really am this much of a wise --- in real life

But seriously, I hope you feel better, you've got enough on your plate already without MIL antics, how mean of her.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

that's terrible! i think i would just end up telling her not to give your kids the envelopes anymore.