MIL and DH angry with me today....

[frannn]

Still getting the silent treatment from MIL and DH told me she is angry with me. DH is not that mad, but he did get snippy when I told him his fire call is what pushed the timing of my shopping & errands back. He doesn't think I have the right to tell him not to go on a fire call, and god forbid if I ask him not to. His car is also having problems, which has fouled his mood. The vet thinks the dog broke his toe while running in their apt. I have nothing against the dog, MIL, BIL, volunteer fire fighting, etc. And I made a mistake, the party is next Sunday (but they have one for each of their immediate family's birthday, communion, graduation, holiday, etc, so its easy to understand how I messed up on the date). I was only going shopping, and they were going to the vet, so Ok, I should have stepped aside this time. DH said why couldn't I go after he came back, or why couldn't we have gone together later (yeah right-that would've happened). I tried to get it thru his head that I was in the car at 5 to 2, so I thought I could make it, but didn't. He is going to talk to MIL, but if she feels slighted, not much I can do. The dog and the family is all she has in her world, she quit her job a year ago and is partially dependant on family. I accept DH and his family for how they are (don't even get me started), they should accept me for how I am. DH says he understands that I need time to do things, but he times me, and then is gone for countless fire calls, meetings, working late, hours every few months once a week for his fire house cleaning assignment. I am so sorry to go on and on about it, but I am so glad to have you guys validate my feelings. I have no sense of self worth, so I always feel like I am being selfish and guilty when I take time to shop (once a week). Thanks for being my friends- I lost my local friends because they were either upset I had very little time to be with them, or they have no time themselves, so my problems are trivial to them.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd tell them both to ___off and go away by myself and let thme see how much you do. I'd give DH a bug talking-to about where his wife and his mother sit in terms of importance in his life (and if you aren't in the #1 spot, then you have bigger problems than can be solved on the DIS), and I'd tell MIL if her rotten attitude doesn't change then she can go be silent in her own house.

These people are walking all over you girlfriend! Do something about it!

 

[Disneycrazymom]

Hang in there! Maybe now that they are back you shoud head out for a little time to yourself. See a movie, go shopping, get your hair done, something just for you. Let DH and MIL stay with DD for awhile. It may be nice to plan a time to sit and talk this out with DH (when you are both feeling better) and set aside time that is ALL yours no matter what. You could even see a professional to help you both talk it out. Respect for each other is important and so is communicatin. You need both to have a lasting relationship. I hope the rest of your weekend is better!

 

[Serena]

Frann, it makes me angry that they are doing this to you. And I know all about the self worth thing. You know, no matter how you think of yourself, you need to start acting like you are important to yourself. If you don't, they sure as hell won't.
It will make them angry when you stand up for yourself, it's easy having a doormat to walk on, so it won't be easy. But you know we are here when you need us and we will give you our honest opinions on things.

You know if we thought you were out of line, we would have told you. But you weren't. Not at all, they are.

as for the timing you, I can't say what I think of that here on the dis. But that has got to go.

 

[iamsorcerermickey]

*************************************
Frannn quote:

but he times me, and then is gone for countless fire calls, meetings, working late, hours every few months once a week for his fire house cleaning assignment
**************************************
What really worries me is that you said your husband "times you" when you run errands and such?!?! What's that all about??

My husband was a volunteer for the fire dept. also--NOTE: Key word here is volunteer. He does NOT have to show up for everything.

Just explain to him that your time is your time and he cannot "volunteer for anything" when his responsibilities are to take care of the kids-----during "your time".

And no--you should not have stepped aside this time.

Your husband should have stepped aside and told his brother and/or his mother that he already has a commitment to his wife and kids.

Honey--you are walking on way to many eggshells.

 

[phillybeth]

A b-day party for a 19 YO? Most families I know (actually all of them now that I think of it) stop b-day parties after HS graduation. Maybe once in a great while there will be a surprise 21st, or 30th, or 40th, but the are usually thrown by spouses or friends.

I would not tolerate anyone timing me. I am an adult and I am accountable to no one, not even my DH. However if I am running late I do give him the courtesy of a phone call so he doesn't worry. Most spouses would worry, not get mad, when you are late. I think you have much deeper problems. I am an only child, and my ILs are not well, so we do a lot for both sets of parents but we would never tolerate such behavior from them. It took a few years for my parents to understand that even though DH is one of 5, his family wants to see him on holidays just as much as mine want to see me- they think that since I am an only that I should spend every minute of Christmas, Easter, etc with them.

 

[disykat]

I doubt she meant he times her with a watch, just that he sort of keeps track. I understand the frustration. I have a great dh who willingly watched the kids when I needed to do things BUT....

When it was time to go anywhere I would have to ask dh if he could watch the kids. When he went somewhere he would be out the door without even thinking about the fact that I'm home with the kids. No asking involved. If dh wanted a haircut he just scheduled it, if I wanted one I had to schedule it around dh and then remind him continually. Lots of please and thank yous for him. I was the primary caregiver and as such had basically no freedom to run errands etc. without the kids without making arrangements for them. Even though I had a willing spouse, I still didn't have the same freedom he seemed to have to just GO. I have never thought of dh as a babysitter, yet when it came down to it - it was my job to make sure the kids were covered.

I think this is a very common problem when kids are young and one parent is the primary caregiver - at least it was with all my friends. I remember how frustrating it was. Just keep in mind that one day things will change. My kids are still too young to be home alone, but they have school, play dates etc. and I have more time to schedule as I please now than dh does.

As for the your current irritation, it sound like MIL needs to stay out of it. I can see being momentarily irritated when you were late (I know I've been mad at dh when he told me he'd be back so I could go somewhere) and it sounds like that's all it was. Maybe you can work an arrangement with dh where you get time on Saturday and he can't let his family stuff interfere. DD could have gone to the vet IMO.

 

[faithinkarma]

I doubt she meant he times her with a watch, just that he sort of keeps track. I understand the frustration. I have a great dh who willingly watched the kids when I needed to do things BUT

Laughing here remembeing my own dear ex.......we had this system......if I went off for a few hours, when I got home, he had to rest up from looking after the kids.

if he went off for a day or a weekend of golf, when he came home he had to rest from all that activity.

 

[Beast fan]

Please understand, my DW has done the following to me when I put up a fit similar to your DH.

Just hand him the checkbook, "rattle" off the list of items he needs to get (and at what store). Then, walk away. Oh yeah, include your "feminine products" as one of the items.

If he's like me, he'll give you an extra hour the next time!

Dave

 

[BHFan25]

Originally posted by disykat

When it was time to go anywhere I would have to ask dh if he could watch the kids. When he went somewhere he would be out the door without even thinking about the fact that I'm home with the kids. No asking involved. If dh wanted a haircut he just scheduled it, if I wanted one I had to schedule it around dh and then remind him continually. Lots of please and thank yous for him. I was the primary caregiver and as such had basically no freedom to run errands etc. without the kids without making arrangements for them. Even though I had a willing spouse, I still didn't have the same freedom he seemed to have to just GO. I have never thought of dh as a babysitter, yet when it came down to it - it was my job to make sure the kids were covered.

You know, I felt this same way even way back to during maternity leave. It is still this way for me. I love taking DD with me but there are times and places in which I cannot. Therefore, I have to schedule and ask and the like. But DH rides mtn. bikes or runs everyday and he just plans it whenever and goes. He goes to work almost everyday w/o a care. But with my work, I have to plan for taking DD to school and picking her up. Ball practice (& other activities) make it all even harder. Maybe this is more common than I think. I know this week I wanted to scream out of frustration.

Frann,
Just know you aren't alone in your feelings. I know not every one feels this way but many women (esp) do. DH and I ran to the store together last night. (In 16 1/2 yrs. of marriage this was probably the 10th time) I saw a girl I knew from high school. I wanted to say more than 'hi' but he hates to wait on me in such a case. He is very social though and can talk to the fencepost. I just patiently wait on him as he visits with people he knows. What is up with this?

 

[Serena]

You've got a smart wife there Dave.

My h never liked it when he came home no one was here. It didn't matter if he just happen to show up in the middle of the day. He some how got the impression that I should be waiting for him. He never did get over wanting to dictate to me what I should do and when. I never got over telling him where he could stuff his attitude either. That's just one of the reasons we're not together anymore.

 

[BHFan25]

Yeah, Serena, DH got mad at me this week because when he came home from work at 7:45pm DD was not finished with homework and bathed.
He wanted to have time to enjoy her before bed and couldn't because she wasn't done. She goes to bed between 8-8:30.

I didn't finish work until 7:30. I quizzed her on vocab and history notes while she bathed. She had done all she could but needed someone to quiz her. I won't let her get in the tub unless I'm in the house. I'm afraid she'd fall or something.

One minute he wants me to work more and the next I shouldn't schedule appointments so late so I can help DD get done. I can't win...

Is this bashing? Sorry. I know all men aren't like this and normally my DH is not so unreasonable.

 

[Serena]

I've been in that situation too, it's frustrating.

 

[ScarlettO]

Personally....I'd skip the 19 year old's BD party next week and schedule some very much needed "me time" for yourself-let your DH take the kids.


My sons would have died of embarresment if I had a birthday party with all the relatives at that age. Geesh!

 

[cgcw]

Originally posted by frannn
I was only going shopping, and they were going to the vet, so Ok, I should have stepped aside this time.

But, and nothing against the dog itself, but it wasn't your dog and/or your DH's responsibility.

Alone time is so important, especially when you have little kids. It gives you an opprotunity to get out there and do something -- anything -- on your own schedule. It's really hard to do things with kids, they don't want to shop for the items that need to be shopped for but put them in the toy section and they could stay for a week.

DH takes our kids to see MIL alot. The kids enjoy seeing their Grammie and it gives me a chance to do what I want to do. I can't tell you the last time I went to visit my MIL -- not because I don't get along with her -- it's just my chance to get some alone time.

I hope it all works out for you.
I agree with the others -- skip the 19yo birthday party. Chances are he won't even notice you are not there -- the rest of DH's family, that's another story. But, in the end, you have to do what's best for you.

 

[WhenUwishUponAstar]

I just don't understand why you can't get a sitter if hubby isn't willing to parent?

 

[shortbun]

I'm concerned about two grown ups who can't figure out how
to get a 1 yo and a dog into a car and to the vet. Why would they
wait for you and why would they waste their precious time in
life being angry over something so petty? If you wanted advice...
mine is: learn to detach with love from these people. Their
expectations are going to drag you into their anger and
small minded lives. Relax, you are in charge of your life and they-
theirs. They made the decisions to be too busy, run everyone
else's life for them, not have a life of their own, be mired in anger.
You can decide to do things differently and not buy in.
Make this about them-it's clearly NOT about you.

 

[Dizzy-Disney4]

Frann, as someone who has stepped aside for everyone else for the last 16 years let me please tell you to take the time for yourself now. Hubby and I are now contemplating divorce because I am so unhappy with who I have become. Somewhere in the last 16 years of putting everyone else first...I lost me. Its a sad feeling to loose yourself. Take the time now and from here on out make a date with YOURSELF so you don;t loose touch with Frann.

 

[frannn]

so MIL and BIL came over for a BBQ today. I have been avoiding them, but I will now go upstairs (computer is in the basement) and be the bigger person.

 

[kadaten]

Originally posted by CamColt
..you having necessary time to run errands is more important than a dog thats not even yours/DH's. Let BIL take care of his own dog. If he can't he shouldnt have one. It shouldnt be a cause friction in your marriage.

My thoughts exactly!!!!

Also, DH needs to realize that his first loyalty and responsibility is to you, his wife, NOT his mother. I'm lucky that my DH realizes that and also that my MIL doesn't go off the deep end very often, but when she does, DH and I stand together, and always will.

Also, LOTS of people take kids with them when they go places, even the vet. When DH is away (he's military) and the cats need to go to the vet, we all go. Why couldn't DH take the one-year-old with him?? My kids (unfortunately) even had to go with me when I took our dear kitty in to be put to sleep Not the best of circumstances, but it had to be done. Couldn't MIL have held the baby while DH wrangled the dog?

Originally posted by frannn
I was only going shopping, and they were going to the vet, so Ok, I should have stepped aside this time.

Again--NOT YOUR DOG! NOT DH'S DOG! NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DO IT OR MAKE IT SO DH HAS TIME TO DO IT!! They REALLY need to get over themselves. And that MIL? The silent treatment? Hello, didn't you say she was 60?? OMG!!

Originally posted by iamsorcerermickey
[BJust explain to him that your time is your time and he cannot "volunteer for anything" when his responsibilities are to take care of the kids-----during "your time".
And no--you should not have stepped aside this time.
Your husband should have stepped aside and told his brother and/or his mother that he already has a commitment to his wife and kids.
Honey--you are walking on way to many eggshells. [/B]

DITTO!! DITTO!! DITTO!!


Frann, please don't let these people make you feel so poorly about yourself. You are not being selfish or unreasonable. They are being unreasonable and petty!