Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[handinpocket]

Here is my message to MILs. If you insist on doing battle with your DIL, you are going to lose if your son really loves her.

 

[FayeW]

Sorry Faye, but we continue to disagree...

First, nobody here has posted anything remotely close to 'the son is chosing to never spend time with his mother'. They have, and will probably continue to 'spend time with them on occasion'.

The problem arises when that is not enough.
When there are 'expectations'.
Feelings of 'entitlement'.

Believe me, I know this well... My inlaws wrote the book.

I can read it very well between the lines from miles away thru a computer screen.

Apparently, OP's DIL read that book...because she seems to have "expectations" and feeling of "entitlement".

As in " I am entitled to spend time with my family whenever I want and I expect you to go along with it and your parents to suck it up"

 

[Scurvy]

do guys really talk to their moms everyday?

I don't see why not. I know plenty of women who talk to their moms every day.

I don't really understand why it would be a problem, unless the guy is only talking to his parents and not talking to his wife. Frankly, though, I don't see that as being a problem with him talking to his parent every day. The problem is that he isn't talking to his wife. Most people are able to talk to multiple people during the day, so for most people the fact that they might talk to their parents every day shouldn't adversely affect their marriage.

I do know one woman who won't "let" her husband talk to his parents every day (though of course he does anyway - he just calls them while he's driving to or from work), and she rarely lets him talk to the people he was friends with before he met her. That's a problem with the wife, though. She's too controlling and immature.

 

[luvsJack]

Here is my message to MILs. If you insist on doing battle with your DIL, you are going to lose if your son really loves her.

That message can go both ways.

 

[mykidsand_i]

I think that what ever side you're on- if you're the DIL or the MIL- if you look at it as you're 'battling' to make it work, you've already failed...If you expect that you are entitled to something (either side) than, you'll never win. If either of you feel like it's any kind of a competition for "who wins the guy" in the end, you're in the wrong.

If you fit any one of the above, then it's YOU who needs to do some work to make the relationship right (it may be BOTH sides in the wrong, it usually is!!!)- because if you fight about it, no one will win and everyone will be miserable.

I've heard MIL stories that make me sick- but I've also heard DIL stories that make me that way too...what most don't realize is that the person (or people) who are in the wrong never realize it's them who's in the wrong until it's too late and damage has already been done.

 

[RadioNate]

That message can go both ways.

That is the point...it really shouldn't.

The spouse should 'top' the mother so to speak (since we are making this a competition).

A man should put his wife before his mother. I also think a woman should put her husband before her mother.

The husband and wife are a new family and that family unit should take priority over any other previous family units.

I have a son. I fully expect my DS to put his wife before me. I hope I will have a great relationship with her. I learned a lot of "don'ts" from my MIL so maybe that'll help.

 

[wdwfan16]

That message can go both ways.

I disagree. Most men will take sides with the one they go to bed with.

When we got married we became one.

 

[luvsJack]

mykidsandI:

you are right. I responded to that comment about "doing battle" but I don't want to battle with my dil. There shouldn't be anything to battle about. If ds loves her and this is the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with--great, wonderful and all that. I am happy for them and love her simply because he does.

I am not trying to "win" anything or anybody. Regardless of how little I see him, I am secure in my relationship with him. I really don't want "my little boy" back, I want him to be happy and to be with the person he is happy with.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Here is my message to MILs. If you insist on doing battle with your DIL, you are going to lose if your son really loves her.

Not always, some mama's boys will always be 5 years old! My MIL depersonalized me the day I married her son. I have never met her and have had 2 conversations with her in 9 years. She told her son that he should have married a woman from Flint, Michigan instead of me. I did call her a while ago to ask for guidance as her son abandoned me in a foreign country, cleaned out our bank accounts and went back to Abu Dhabi to be with he girlfriend. Her response was " I never liked you anyway". My situation is now in the hands of the US Embassy legal attache and the military JAG lawyers. She is really going to hate me when her loser son loses his job! as my immigration is tied to his employer. It really sucks to be me right now! I had an amazing relationship with my ex's family, actually I adored his mother, she was great!

 

[luvsJack]

That is the point...it really shouldn't.

The spouse should 'top' the mother so to speak (since we are making this a competition).

A man should put his wife before his mother. I also think a woman should put her husband before her mother.

The husband and wife are a new family and that family unit should take priority over any other previous family units.

I have a son. I fully expect my DS to put his wife before me. I hope I will have a great relationship with her. I learned a lot of "don'ts" from my MIL so maybe that'll help.

but don't you see? There shouldn't be any reason to put anyone before anyone. I don't expect him to spend more time with me than he does his wife!

I don't want to compete with this girl, I have nothing to compete with her about.

Like I said: I DO NOT WANT MY SON BACK. I am not trying to cause a divorce. I am not trying to make her life difficult. I do not tell them how to do things. I do not give advice unless I am asked (and not always then). I just want to be able to plan a visit from them and things not change a few days prior. I just want to be able to spend time with them.

I do not spend my time arguing with this girl. I do not spend my time trying to figure out how she has done something wrong. I posted this as a vent from the aggravation at the situation. I posted a vent so that I would get rid of the anger before they arrived. And it worked at the time.

We spent a bit of time (there wasn't much) talking just "us girls". Me, dd and the two dils. We talked about planning a girls day sometime when they visit. I won't count on it, but it sounded good. Its not like we are ignoring this girl, leaving her out of anything or being mean to her. I do not say the things to her I have said in this thread. I do not act in any way toward her that I am judging her or disliking her or any of that.

I have had a horrible MIL. This woman threatened to jump on me! Physicallyjump on me. And believe me--I was terrified of her! (this is a woman who had fought men in bar rooms!). She thought her son did no wrong and that everything was my fault. She thought that if I drove to town while he was at work, I must be having an affair (I was 6 months pregnant at the time!). She expected me to totally give up my family for her and her family. I have been there--I am not that MIL.

I expect my sons to put their wives before me too. But I also expect them to remember the family that loves them and that has sacrificed so much for them. I expect the dil to have as much thought and consideration for us as she does for her own family. I don't really think that is too much to ask

I do firmly believe that when some of you are mil's you will have a whole new outlook on things.

 

[wenrob]

Truly wise words from both of you.

I think that what ever side you're on- if you're the DIL or the MIL- if you look at it as you're 'battling' to make it work, you've already failed...If you expect that you are entitled to something (either side) than, you'll never win. If either of you feel like it's any kind of a competition for "who wins the guy" in the end, you're in the wrong.

If you fit any one of the above, then it's YOU who needs to do some work to make the relationship right (it may be BOTH sides in the wrong, it usually is!!!)- because if you fight about it, no one will win and everyone will be miserable.

I've heard MIL stories that make me sick- but I've also heard DIL stories that make me that way too...what most don't realize is that the person (or people) who are in the wrong never realize it's them who's in the wrong until it's too late and damage has already been done.

That is the point...it really shouldn't.

The spouse should 'top' the mother so to speak (since we are making this a competition).

A man should put his wife before his mother. I also think a woman should put her husband before her mother.

The husband and wife are a new family and that family unit should take priority over any other previous family units.

I have a son. I fully expect my DS to put his wife before me. I hope I will have a great relationship with her. I learned a lot of "don'ts" from my MIL so maybe that'll help.

 

[RadioNate]

but don't you see? There shouldn't be any reason to put anyone before anyone. I don't expect him to spend more time with me than he does his wife!

I don't want to compete with this girl, I have nothing to compete with her about.

Like I said: I DO NOT WANT MY SON BACK. I am not trying to cause a divorce. I am not trying to make her life difficult. I do not tell them how to do things. I do not give advice unless I am asked (and not always then). I just want to be able to plan a visit from them and things not change a few days prior. I just want to be able to spend time with them.

I do not spend my time arguing with this girl. I do not spend my time trying to figure out how she has done something wrong. I posted this as a vent from the aggravation at the situation. I posted a vent so that I would get rid of the anger before they arrived. And it worked at the time.

We spent a bit of time (there wasn't much) talking just "us girls". Me, dd and the two dils. We talked about planning a girls day sometime when they visit. I won't count on it, but it sounded good. Its not like we are ignoring this girl, leaving her out of anything or being mean to her. I do not say the things to her I have said in this thread. I do not act in any way toward her that I am judging her or disliking her or any of that.

I have had a horrible MIL. This woman threatened to jump on me! Physicallyjump on me. And believe me--I was terrified of her! (this is a woman who had fought men in bar rooms!). She thought her son did no wrong and that everything was my fault. She thought that if I drove to town while he was at work, I must be having an affair (I was 6 months pregnant at the time!). She expected me to totally give up my family for her and her family. I have been there--I am not that MIL.

I expect my sons to put their wives before me too. But I also expect them to remember the family that loves them and that has sacrificed so much for them. I expect the dil to have as much thought and consideration for us as she does for her own family. I don't really think that is too much to ask

I do firmly believe that when some of you are mil's you will have a whole new outlook on things.

I guess that is what I don't understand. You DID spend time with them. They did come see you? It just wasn't enough or equal to what they spent with her family.

I just don't know why this is all on her. That is where I actually have the issue. I don't know why the DIL should be 'in charge' of seeing that their husbands spend time with their mothers.

I also don't get why you can't go see them when he is home? Are they are her parents every time he is home? Go to them!

 

[Nancyg56]

do guys really talk to their moms everyday?

Maybe not everyday but both of my sons call often. We all live within 30 minutes of each other and still tehy find a few minutes to just call and chat/ Mostly about nothing. Truthfully, I talked more to my youngest when he lived in FL. But my DDIL called every day when they were away too.

Sorry Faye, but we continue to disagree...

First, nobody here has posted anything remotely close to 'the son is chosing to never spend time with his mother'. They have, and will probably continue to 'spend time with them on occasion'.

The problem arises when that is not enough.
When there are 'expectations'.
Feelings of 'entitlement'.

Believe me, I know this well... My inlaws wrote the book.

I can read it very well between the lines from miles away thru a computer screen.

I did not see this kind of thing here. I saw a Mom who really wanted to spend time with her family, not a gorilla trying to top a DDIL.

My youngest dated a girl who wanted to spend every minute with her family. I mean every spare moment was with them and there was a schedule they followed. I understood that her family may have had traditions but Holy Moly.....no time for any of his family. She would not even agree to come for dinner and on the rare occasion they would join us in the evening she sulked. My son finally had enough of that, but I confess I held my breath. I raised my sons to know that they should place their allegience with their own family but husbands have families and they should have realtionships with them. I have a feeling that this younf woman is one of those women who think when you marry one side of the family should crawl under a rock.


I am fortunate that Dan maarried a woman who loves me and am blessed that I love her as well.

 

[Jennasis]

but don't you see? There shouldn't be any reason to put anyone before anyone. I don't expect him to spend more time with me than he does his wife!

I don't want to compete with this girl, I have nothing to compete with her about.

Like I said: I DO NOT WANT MY SON BACK. I am not trying to cause a divorce. I am not trying to make her life difficult. I do not tell them how to do things. I do not give advice unless I am asked (and not always then). I just want to be able to plan a visit from them and things not change a few days prior. I just want to be able to spend time with them.

I do not spend my time arguing with this girl. I do not spend my time trying to figure out how she has done something wrong. I posted this as a vent from the aggravation at the situation. I posted a vent so that I would get rid of the anger before they arrived. And it worked at the time.

We spent a bit of time (there wasn't much) talking just "us girls". Me, dd and the two dils. We talked about planning a girls day sometime when they visit. I won't count on it, but it sounded good. Its not like we are ignoring this girl, leaving her out of anything or being mean to her. I do not say the things to her I have said in this thread. I do not act in any way toward her that I am judging her or disliking her or any of that.

I have had a horrible MIL. This woman threatened to jump on me! Physicallyjump on me. And believe me--I was terrified of her! (this is a woman who had fought men in bar rooms!). She thought her son did no wrong and that everything was my fault. She thought that if I drove to town while he was at work, I must be having an affair (I was 6 months pregnant at the time!). She expected me to totally give up my family for her and her family. I have been there--I am not that MIL.

I expect my sons to put their wives before me too. But I also expect them to remember the family that loves them and that has sacrificed so much for them. I expect the dil to have as much thought and consideration for us as she does for her own family. I don't really think that is too much to ask

I do firmly believe that when some of you are mil's you will have a whole new outlook on things.

Most marriage vows contain the phrase "forsaking all others."

Dang straight. There is a reason and a need to put the spouse before the parents/in-laws. That's just how it is and how it should be. Naturally, one would hope that neither spouse would be forced to choose.

The question is this: "What do you want from your son and DIL?" Realistically. How much time do you want/need with them? What kind of relationship would you like to have with them? Does that mirror what they want from/with you? If you don't know the answer to the last question, you should call your son and find out. Then you need to figure out a way to make those two sets of wants/needs, mesh and make it happen.

 

[Mermaid02]

My dh called me after work tonight and said, "I'm going to stop by Mom and Dad's for a while....."

OH THE HORROR!

 

[Art 1]

The personalities of some of the young brides here is really coming out. Someday if you have a Son you are going to be the mother in law of a young bride. What comes around, goes around.

 

[NotUrsula]

My corrollary would be that Moms need to teach sons to man up and admit how they feel about time spent with both their nuclear families and their parents.

I have met countless men who passively seek to avoid spending time in their parents' company by blaming their wife or gf's priorities for the lack of visitation. Lots of wives know this and let it happen -- I'm one of them (DH does not tell her so in so many words, but he doesn't correct her when she assumes it.) It is not for me to force DH to spend more time with his mother. While my MIL and I have had a polite relationship for 20 years now, it has never been a warm one, and it never will be. As my Dad would say, we're like chalk and cheese.

In one case I know of it was all about place. One set of inlaws lived in rural Nebraska (which he had bolted out of the minute high school ended) and the other set lived in coastal Florida. He just hated going home to Nebraska, so when there was holiday time to be spent visiting relatives, he preferred the ones who lived in a good climate. Yes, it was shallow, but that was his reason. He just refused to admit it to his parents.

 

[RadioNate]

The personalities of some of the young brides here is really coming out. Someday if you have a Son you are going to be the mother in law of a young bride. What comes around, goes around.

I'm not a young bride and I have a son. I also have a MIL who has spent the last 10 years playing the martyr because I keep her son away from her.

That couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, in light of this thread, I practically begged him to call his mom last night. His response "I have nothing to talk to her about."

My MIL likes to boo hoo that DH doesn't call her but it isn't like she picks up the phone either. She doesn't call him, ever. So they talk once a month or so when I nag him enough that he calls her.

But if you ask her...it is ALL my fault.

I do have a son and if I have a problem with how often or not I see him, I'll take it up with HIM and not blame her. I will also remember that I actually know how to use a phone and will call him if I want to talk to him. In fact, I even plan on visiting them instead of always expecting them to come to me.

My MIL wonders why we see my parents more...they call us, they visit us and don't sit around waiting for us to call or visit them.

 

[cheermom1]

I'm not a young bride and I have a son. I also have a MIL who has spent the last 10 years playing the martyr because I keep her son away from her.

That couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, in light of this thread, I practically begged him to call his mom last night. His response "I have nothing to talk to her about."

My MIL likes to boo hoo that DH doesn't call her but it isn't like she picks up the phone either. She doesn't call him, ever. So they talk once a month or so when I nag him enough that he calls her.

But if you ask her...it is ALL my fault.

I do have a son and if I have a problem with how often or not I see him, I'll take it up with HIM and not blame her. I will also remember that I actually know how to use a phone and will call him if I want to talk to him. In fact, I even plan on visiting them instead of always expecting them to come to me.

My MIL wonders why we see my parents more...they call us, they visit us and don't sit around waiting for us to call or visit them.

Aman!!!

some one PLEASE tell my parents this!!!!

I agree with everything she said ..sometimes I just can't get what i'm thinking to to form words in my head let alone to the key board! I guess I have one jacked up mind!

 

[hippiemama76]

Aman!!!

some one PLEASE tell my parents this!!!!

I agree with everything she said ..sometimes I just can't get what i'm thinking to to form words in my head let alone to the key board! I guess I have one jacked up mind!

Totally agree too. My MIL expects DH to call her and to plan visits to see her, because "it's a child's responsibility to honor his/her parents." MIL even expects DH to call her on his birthday!

My mom is much more in the "it takes two to tango" group, and has no problem calling and saying, "I'd love to see you. Let me know a good weekend to come down, or let me know when you can come up."

I'm also the kind of person to say, "I haven't seen my family in three weeks - I better make a trip up home." If DH has a free weekend, it's more like, "Let's take the girls to Disney," or "Let's go to the zoo." He makes plans for our family unit, but it usually doesn't cross his mind to make plans for his FOO.

Our family's (DH, me, DDs) relationship with my FOO is my responsibility. Our relationship with DH's FOO is his responsibility. IMO, he's a grown man, and an independent adult. I don't remind him to pay bills, or go to work, or take out the trash, or any of the other responsibilities he has in life. I also don't remind him to call his parents or to schedule visits. I'm his partner, not his taskmaster.