Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[luvsJack]

Maybe the stress you saw on your son's face was because he was afraid of your reaction?
QUOTE]

Because I don't want to cause him stress over visiting, I don't react negatively ever. If I had ever gotten mad or upset, I would agree with you 100%.

 

[wdwfan16]

She just turned 21.

That is young.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Maybe the stress you saw on your son's face was because he was afraid of your reaction?
QUOTE]

Because I don't want to cause him stress over visiting, I don't react negatively ever. If I had ever gotten mad or upset, I would agree with you 100%.

You do not have to get 'mad' or show that you are very 'upset'....
That is just the thing...
Your feelings and expectations in your relationship with your son are there, whether they are strongly verbalized or not.

You need to step back, emotionally, loosen those apron strings... Be happy that they are there, instead of being all upset and posting here because it isn't enough...

They are adults.. they have other family and friends to visit.
Your son has a demanding position that takes away from his time with his wife, and his family, and with her family, and with their friends, etc.

I see that you are a good person, and you mean well, and I am not trying to be accusatory, but I really am afraid that you and your son have not completely cut-the-cord.

I truly think that this is what is adding so much angst to this whole issue.

 

[FayeW]

You do not have to get 'mad' or show that you are very 'upset'....
That is just the thing...
Your feelings and expectations in your relationship with your son are there, whether they are strongly verbalized or not.

You need to step back, emotionally, loosen those apron strings... Be happy that they are there, instead of being all upset and posting here because it isn't enough...

They are adults.. they have other family and friends to visit.
Your son has a demanding position that takes away from his time with his wife, and his family, and with her family, and with their friends, etc.

I see that you are a good person, and you mean well, and I am not trying to be accusatory, but I really am afraid that you and your son have not completely cut-the-cord.

I truly think that this is what is adding so much angst to this whole issue.

Did you miss the part where they had originally intended to stay overnight with the OP and then the DIL changed things and they only had 3 hours instead? If I expected my son for a certain period of time and then it go changed I would be disappointed, too.

The way you post it's as if once a son gets married we are not supposed to expect anything from them, ever, and just be content with whatever crumbs their wives decide we are entitled to.

 

[luvmy3]

Did you miss the part where they had originally intended to stay overnight with the OP and then the DIL changed things and they only had 3 hours instead? If I expected my son for a certain period of time and then it go changed I would be disappointed, too.

The way you post it's as if once a son gets married we are not supposed to expect anything from them, ever, and just be content with whatever crumbs their wives decide we are entitled to.

Yes, especially if the dh is content with the crumbs his wife thinks his mother is entitled to, then his mother should be too. Unless he proves otherwise and speaks up to his wife anyway

 

[Magic Mom]

If you had read my entire statement, you would already have your answer. I stand by my original statement. If a man is talking to his mother more than he talks to his wife it is a big problem. I would say the same for wives talking to their mothers more than they do their husbands. I would say the same for any other person he/she was talking on the phone with or using as a support system more than they talk to their spouse. Spouses should be each other's primary support, not secondary.

For us, when dh talked to his parents (dad in this case), he was done talking, which meant I got nothing. He and his dad were talking things over and making the decisions and then informing me later. Not acceptable - but they weren't even aware they were doing it and dh wouldn't see it until a marriage counselor pointed it out to him.

Having a close relationship with your parents is great. Using them as your primary support system when you are married is not. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, simply pointing out reasons why a wife could be resentful of his mother. If he talks all the time to his mom, but doesn't talk to her - problems.

No need to be nasty, I did read the entire statement and it wasn't clear to me so I asked a question. I apologize for not being able to read your mind that your husband used his family as his entire support system.

 

[sbell111]

Maybe the stress you saw on your son's face was because he was afraid of your reaction?

Because I don't want to cause him stress over visiting, I don't react negatively ever. If I had ever gotten mad or upset, I would agree with you 100%.

I think that sometimes we think that we are hiding our emotions when we really aren't.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yes, especially if the dh is content with the crumbs his wife thinks his mother is entitled to, then his mother should be too. Unless he proves otherwise and speaks up to his wife anyway

Now you're gettin' it!
It's hard for people to "man up". but necessary....

 

[busyshrew]

Just wanted to respond to a few of the comments:
I do not dislike my dil. But I do not see her through rose colored glasses either. She is spoiled and she is used to having her own way. And she will go to dramatic measures to achieve her way. Mostly we just ignore it, I do not argue with her or comment to him about it one way or the other. Like I said, she knows she is spoiled and wants her own way and she thinks its funny. I think its mostly immaturity.

Again, I'd like to agree with some previous posters. While you may not be openly verbalizing your dislike of your DIL, I'd suggest that your pious silence at her "spoiled", "dramatic" and "immature" behaviour is very clearly communicating your low opinion of her. And please don't fool yourself into thinking that she doesn't know it. (Your DS obviously does!)

You may believe that refraining from criticism or refusing to react negatively to your DIL is enough - I disagree. Your DIL needs to know you are ON HER SIDE, not judging her or merely tolerating her for the sake of your son.

She is so young (seriously!!! how old is your DS?), and much of her personality is still growing and changing. You have a wonderful opportunity to influence her and help her become a strong woman and good wife.

 

[FayeW]

Yes, especially if the dh is content with the crumbs his wife thinks his mother is entitled to, then his mother should be too. Unless he proves otherwise and speaks up to his wife anyway

That's ridiculous. People have a right to their emotions. My kids are teenagers, but as the adult child of elderly parents, you never stop loving them or being their parent. If my children choose not to spend time with me when they are adults I can't imagine being "content" with it. I don't expect them to be in my back pocket all the time but I will expect to spend time with them on occasion.

The OP had a very good relationship with her ex DIL, so it sounds like they are all, ( OP's son included) finding their way and figuring out the relationship dynamics with the new marriage.

My niece, though considerably older than the OP's DIL, thinks she is the only relevant person in her marriage, too, and treats her DH horribly, and his family even worse. Maybe with one marriage behind him, the OP's son is being more compromising than he should be with the new wife and because she is young and immature she doesn't recognize it as compromise, but rather feels it is no less than what she is entitled to. I hope he finds his backbone soon, and that they wait until she grows up before they start a family.

 

[lillygator]

do guys really talk to their moms everyday?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Now we are getting somewhere!!!

Let's say the wife is indeed young and spoiled and selfish....
Let's say she really wanted to spend more time with her family....
Their plans got changed around...
Whatever...

This is something that will have to be worked out between the son/husband and his wife. (and them alone)

He will have to stand up for himself and tell her, "You know, I really missed spending time with my family." (maybe even, "I know my mom misses me..") etc... He has to man-up and tell her that he wants to spend a more equitable amount of time with his family. If he doesn't or can't do this, this is a problem with him, not the DIL.

The OP should step back, be glad that they were able to spend time with the whole family together, adjust her expectations, cut the cord, and give her son some time and space to work thru this whole issue with his wife.

It seems that just because this visit was less than expected, the OP is hurt and upset and jumps on here with a whole thread railing DIL. Look at the title... "Message to DIL's"

Hey, I know that 3 hours doesn't sound like a lot... But, they came!!! It sounds like it was a short trip, with their time and energy being pulled in many different directions... I know that there were several times that I was only able to spend a few hours with my whole family at our Christmas gathering, as we traveled in for the holiday, were staying at my DH's parents an hour away, etc.... And believe me, the inlaws expected/demanded their time... The whole 'sitting in the same room' scenario. Let me say, as the hated, outsider, DIL, 3 hours can definitely be enough.

Maybe the DIL's parents are like my inlaws... demanding.... expecting.... Talk about not just the OP's son, but his wife also, being stuck in the middle, being put thru the ringer, being pulled from both sides.

 

[busyshrew]

do guys really talk to their moms everyday?

Not mine! Heck, there are days where he barely has time to talk to ME !
We do a lot of grunting and pointing instead....

 

[Wishing on a star]

do guys really talk to their moms everyday?

My thoughts exactly!!!
Every day...

OMG, a grown man so 'connected' with his mommie...

Don't know whether to or

 

[Wishing on a star]

as the adult child of elderly parents, you never stop loving them or being their parent. If my children choose not to spend time with me when they are adults I can't imagine being "content" with it. I don't expect them to be in my back pocket all the time but I will expect to spend time with them on occasion.

Sorry Faye, but we continue to disagree...

First, nobody here has posted anything remotely close to 'the son is chosing to never spend time with his mother'. They have, and will probably continue to 'spend time with them on occasion'.

The problem arises when that is not enough.
When there are 'expectations'.
Feelings of 'entitlement'.

Believe me, I know this well... My inlaws wrote the book.

I can read it very well between the lines from miles away thru a computer screen.

 

[cheermom1]

do guys really talk to their moms everyday?

I wouldn't say that my dh talks to his mom everyday but that is b/c he has to get up for work so early and his mom is a morning person, me not so much . that is when they talk and I know he talks to his dad at least once a day again that early in the morning...but I guess the reason I don't have a prob. with it is that neither of his parents have ever demanded or gotten in the middle of our marriage...plus after their first DIL I'm a walk in the park

so to answer your question I guess my dh does ...I only know as dh talks to me when he gets home and says "oh my dad or my mom called just to see how things are going" things like that ...to be honest I consider them more my parents than my own ..I don;t talk to mine very much and they don;t call too much or come over and they live 15 min from us...dh's dad lives several states away and his mom lives 3 hours away...how sad is that...

 

[mykidsand_i]

I don't think that "all DIL's" need this message- maybe some, but certainly not all. I have thought about writing a message to tell MIL's to listen up a few times in the past...but held back because ALL SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT!!! The biggest problem with several MIL's out there is that they (NOT ALL OF THEM) have wanted to be controlling over their sons and his new family. My MIL is VERY CONTROLLING over my husband. He's had to put his foot down with her several times. She would call him every day and talk for an hour when he should be doing things with his own family (myself and our daughters)...then, when he didn't pick up the phone, she would send ME nasty letters saying that I was trying to get between her son and her. No, it wasn't me, it was the fact that HE chose NOT to pick up the phone, because we were eating dinner or because we weren't at home when she called...)

He had to tell her not to call every day. It was his decision. He knew that it was too much. His mom would also tell US how to spend our money. We've never borrowed money from his parents, never lived with his parents, we've been fortunate to have the money we do to live very comfortably, and SHE would YELL at him for buying something as small as a new DVD player...

There is a big miscommunication between mother in laws and daughter in laws (most of them, NOT ALL OF THEM) and the problem isn't always the daughter in law. It's a give and take from BOTH ends...maybe it's giving a child more space to make his own decisions, or maybe it's being more considerate towards your husbands parents- but usually it's BOTH sides that have caused the trouble and it's not just one person that has to change how things are going...it takes two.

I know many people who have great relationships with their in-laws- it's because there's respect shown from BOTH ENDS.

 

[luvsJack]

That's ridiculous. People have a right to their emotions. My kids are teenagers, but as the adult child of elderly parents, you never stop loving them or being their parent. If my children choose not to spend time with me when they are adults I can't imagine being "content" with it. I don't expect them to be in my back pocket all the time but I will expect to spend time with them on occasion.

The OP had a very good relationship with her ex DIL, so it sounds like they are all, ( OP's son included) finding their way and figuring out the relationship dynamics with the new marriage.

My niece, though considerably older than the OP's DIL, thinks she is the only relevant person in her marriage, too, and treats her DH horribly, and his family even worse. Maybe with one marriage behind him, the OP's son is being more compromising than he should be with the new wife and because she is young and immature she doesn't recognize it as compromise, but rather feels it is no less than what she is entitled to. I hope he finds his backbone soon, and that they wait until she grows up before they start a family.

Thank you and I think the statement I bolded hits the nail on the head!

 

[luvsJack]

do guys really talk to their moms everyday?

Both of my sons talk to me everyday. It may only be a quick comment or a quick question but we communicate in some form or fashion every day--text, IM, email, etc. My younger son's wife to be talks to me every day too.

Like I said, I am not talking about long conversations.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think that "all DIL's" need this message- maybe some, but certainly not all. I have thought about writing a message to tell MIL's to listen up a few times in the past...but held back because ALL SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT!!! The biggest problem with several MIL's out there is that they (NOT ALL OF THEM) have wanted to be controlling over their sons and his new family. My MIL is VERY CONTROLLING over my husband. He's had to put his foot down with her several times. She would call him every day and talk for an hour when he should be doing things with his own family (myself and our daughters)...then, when he didn't pick up the phone, she would send ME nasty letters saying that I was trying to get between her son and her. No, it wasn't me, it was the fact that HE chose NOT to pick up the phone, because we were eating dinner or because we weren't at home when she called...)

He had to tell her not to call every day. It was his decision. He knew that it was too much. His mom would also tell US how to spend our money. We've never borrowed money from his parents, never lived with his parents, we've been fortunate to have the money we do to live very comfortably, and SHE would YELL at him for buying something as small as a new DVD player...

There is a big miscommunication between mother in laws and daughter in laws (most of them, NOT ALL OF THEM) and the problem isn't always the daughter in law. It's a give and take from BOTH ends...maybe it's giving a child more space to make his own decisions, or maybe it's being more considerate towards your husbands parents- but usually it's BOTH sides that have caused the trouble and it's not just one person that has to change how things are going...it takes two.

I know many people who have great relationships with their in-laws- it's because there's respect shown from BOTH ENDS.

You are very right--it really isn't ALL dil's no more than ALL mil's are dragons.

I have had two mil's. The first one was a dragon. The present one is an angel. She has 6 dils and has had some major drama with 3 of them, but she manages to get along well with all of us.