"May my wife accompany me?"

[lillygator]

yes I think it was rude.

and a little odd to invite past coworkers.....

 

[focusondisney]

Count us in as people who would definitely send our regrets............I dont know why people do not understand that workers DO NOT want to spend their days and NIGHTS with their co-workers!!!! Newsflash-we have lives OUTSIDE of work! When the work day ends, it is time to go HOME.

Its 45 PAST coworkers who probably don't know anyone besides their fellow coworkers and the man of honor. No, I don't think most people LOVE their past coworkers. I think most PAST coworkers aren't invited to life events anyway, only friends. Coworkers aren't friends, but some friends are coworkers.

OMG!! I couldn't agree with these more! Really? 45 past coworkers are supposed to love this man enough to give up their own free social / family time to celebrate his degree? Seems sort of egotistical to me. I guess I'd think that close family would want to attend, not anyone my DH had ever worked with, let alone their spouse.

Now that you know that about me, you'll understand when I say that my DH & I would both be so glad if our spose wasn't invited, that way we would have a legitimate reason to decline!!!! My Dh hates social functions & wouldn't want to go anyway!!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I'm not sure why it is out of line for someone to call the hostess of a party to inquire about the guest situation. If it was not clearly laid out in the invite, and just putting one name on the outside of the envelope is not "clear" in my estimation, than I would probably call also.

I could see it being poor manners to call up and say, "Hey, I'm gonna bring my wife, too, okay?" But calling in a polite fashion and saying, "It wasn't clear to me if guests were allowed for this function," is not rude in any sense. You're just asking for clarification on something.

Good luck to the OP, I think it'll take some deft maneuvers to get through this. Most of my friends would probably decline the invite if they were unable to bring their spouse for an event like this.

 

[donald...really]

Wow! I didn't expect to receive so many responses!!! Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment!

To answer some questions:

The past coworkers that I invited are still very good friends with my husband. They still get together regularly for dinners, parties, etc. There are 5 from one office and 7 from the other. Since they are all in the same line of work they still go to conferences with each other and help each other out with work problems, etc. They are still very active in his life.

Since I am not familiar with the people at his current place of employment I called and asked his assistant to help me with the guest list. I told her to include the 5 people in his immediate office and other people who are close friends with him. He has mentioned a few names over and over again, so I thought the guest list would be about 10 people. Well, because of office politics, etc. the guest list grew to 30 people.

Someone asked me how I would feel if my husband was invited to a party without me, and honestly, I wouldn't really care. Especially if it was a work related event...

BUT, obviously I am in the minority on that one, so...

I will be sending out a follow up invitation that includes guests. The most important thing is that people have a good time, and obviously people would have more fun if they can bring someone special to celebrate with.

Thanks again for all of the replies! I will let you know how the party goes!

 

[onyx8]

Yes, it is rude to invite them without their spouse.

 

[shirleyb]

Well, actually, it's a greater breach. It's extremely rude to call a hostess and ask to bring a guest. It's even ruder to NOT call, and instead to just show up with extra people.

I understand this, but if it was my husband that received the invite, he wouldn't even notice (or realize if he did notice) that only his name was on the invite, and he'd tell me we have a party to attend on such and such a date and then we'd both show up and look like idiots.

 

[HeatherH]

Wow! I didn't expect to receive so many responses!!! Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment!

To answer some questions:

The past coworkers that I invited are still very good friends with my husband. They still get together regularly for dinners, parties, etc. There are 5 from one office and 7 from the other. Since they are all in the same line of work they still go to conferences with each other and help each other out with work problems, etc. They are still very active in his life.

Since I am not familiar with the people at his current place of employment I called and asked his assistant to help me with the guest list. I told her to include the 5 people in his immediate office and other people who are close friends with him. He has mentioned a few names over and over again, so I thought the guest list would be about 10 people. Well, because of office politics, etc. the guest list grew to 30 people.

Someone asked me how I would feel if my husband was invited to a party without me, and honestly, I wouldn't really care. Especially if it was a work related event...

BUT, obviously I am in the minority on that one, so...

I will be sending out a follow up invitation that includes guests. The most important thing is that people have a good time, and obviously people would have more fun if they can bring someone special to celebrate with.

Thanks again for all of the replies! I will let you know how the party goes!

OP, I think you are handling this VERY well. Add me to the list of those who wouldn't care one WHIT if my husband was invited to something like this and I wasn't. Why would I want to go to a party where I don't even know the person being honored?

I seriously don't get people who are so joined at the hip that they can't go to a social function without their spouse. I agree that a WEDDING is different, but this isn't a wedding. It's just a party.

But obviously I'm in the minority here, based on the responses you are getting. As I said before, you are doing all you can to make it "right" now so good for you. I hope your party is a great success.

 

[Scurvy]

Well, actually, it's a greater breach. It's extremely rude to call a hostess and ask to bring a guest. It's even ruder to NOT call, and instead to just show up with extra people.

Ordinarily I would agree with this, but not in this case. It's such a huge breach of etiquette to only invite half of a social unit that I think it's understandable for people to be confused by the invitation. They have two choices when they receive an invitation that only includes one half of the unit. They can assume that maybe the person sending the invitation just figured that everyone would know that spouses were of course invited - but since they don't know for sure and it would be rude to show up with an uninvited guest, they should call to clarify. Or, they can assume the worst of their host - that the person was extremely rude and only invited part of the social unit. I think in that situation, it's worse to assume that your host is rude. It seems better to me if you assume they just made a mistake on the invitation, and to call and make sure. Just showing up with your spouse without first clarifying with the host would be very rude, though.

In any case other than the host failing to invite both halves of a social unit, I think it's incredibly rude to call and ask if you can bring an univited guest with you.

 

[ckay87]

I am probably in the minority, so probably my opinion doesn't count. But if my spouse (or kids or dog, etc) aren't invited somewhere, I don't even question it. If I liked the person enough to care about the celebration, I would HAPPILY go on my own. I LIVE with my spouse for crying out loud - a few hours without him to give me contrats to an old (or current) friend wouldn't bother me in the least.

 

[Planogirl]

I am probably in the minority, so probably my opinion doesn't count. But if my spouse (or kids or dog, etc) aren't invited somewhere, I don't even question it. If I liked the person enough to care about the celebration, I would HAPPILY go on my own. I LIVE with my spouse for crying out loud - a few hours without him to give me contrats to an old (or current) friend wouldn't bother me in the least.

I agree. Ettiquette aside, I don't really see the big deal in being away from a SO for a few hours.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I seriously don't get people who are so joined at the hip that they can't go to a social function without their spouse. I agree that a WEDDING is different, but this isn't a wedding. It's just a party.

It's not that we're joined at the hip. My DW and I both work long hours during the week. From Friday night until we go to bed Sunday night, that is the time we have to spend with each other and do fun things together. If this party fell on a Friday or Saturday evening, of COURSE we want to go together, otherwise we'd miss out on the time we have. I enjoy the things DW and I do together, and if it was a friend of hers celebrating in this fashion, I'd want to enjoy the time, too.

 

[ckay87]

Ordinarily I would agree with this, but not in this case. It's such a huge breach of etiquette to only invite half of a social unit that I think it's understandable for people to be confused by the invitation. .

This is why nobody will agree on the right or wrong answer here. I, personally, don't consider myself half of a social unit. I'm a single social unit all by myself, thank you. I'll very happily share the fun with my spouse IF he is invited and if it's something that interests him. He's my favorite companion, but I don't consider him "half" of me in any way. I never bought into that "you complete me" stuff, though, so I'm sure that makes me a crummy spouse.

 

[cheermom1]

Wow! I didn't expect to receive so many responses!!! Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment!

To answer some questions:

The past coworkers that I invited are still very good friends with my husband. They still get together regularly for dinners, parties, etc. There are 5 from one office and 7 from the other. Since they are all in the same line of work they still go to conferences with each other and help each other out with work problems, etc. They are still very active in his life.

Since I am not familiar with the people at his current place of employment I called and asked his assistant to help me with the guest list. I told her to include the 5 people in his immediate office and other people who are close friends with him. He has mentioned a few names over and over again, so I thought the guest list would be about 10 people. Well, because of office politics, etc. the guest list grew to 30 people.

Someone asked me how I would feel if my husband was invited to a party without me, and honestly, I wouldn't really care. Especially if it was a work related event...

BUT, obviously I am in the minority on that one, so...

I will be sending out a follow up invitation that includes guests. The most important thing is that people have a good time, and obviously people would have more fun if they can bring someone special to celebrate with.

Thanks again for all of the replies! I will let you know how the party goes!

First let me say you are handling it very well, however I will have to disagree that this is NOT a work related event, it is a social event as your family and all their spouses will be there. I think this is why so many were confused and called to verify about their spouses.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I think you did the right thing and maybe some will not actually come or bring a guest, so you might not end up with as many extra people as you think right now. Have a great time at the party - your husband is lucky to have you.

 

[Scurvy]

This is why nobody will agree on the right or wrong answer here. I, personally, don't consider myself half of a social unit. I'm a single social unit all by myself, thank you. I'll very happily share the fun with my spouse IF he is invited and if it's something that interests him. He's my favorite companion, but I don't consider him "half" of me in any way. I never bought into that "you complete me" stuff, though, so I'm sure that makes me a crummy spouse.

I'm not talking about the "you complete me" stuff. Of course each half of a social unit is also a complete individual. But from an etiquette standpoint, a "social unit" is a specific thing. It's a married or engaged couple or a couple who is living together. They are considered a unit when it comes to most social invitations, and it is considered rude to separate them when issuing invitations. (Not for things like showers or other single-gender gatherings, but for social events where other couples are being included.)

 

[Bob NC]

It's such a huge breach of etiquette to only invite half of a social unit that I think it's understandable for people to be confused by the invitation.

I think this is the big difference in the responses. Obviously, many folks view themselves as "half" of a social unit. Of course inviting half a unit would be rude, kinda like inviting half of a pair of Siamese twins.

In my house, Bob and Jane are each individual social units. Do we do many, many things together? OF COURSE. Are we capable of enjoying ourselves as individual social units? HECK YEAH!!!

 

[cheermom1]

Ordinarily I would agree with this, but not in this case. It's such a huge breach of etiquette to only invite half of a social unit that I think it's understandable for people to be confused by the invitation. They have two choices when they receive an invitation that only includes one half of the unit. They can assume that maybe the person sending the invitation just figured that everyone would know that spouses were of course invited - but since they don't know for sure and it would be rude to show up with an uninvited guest, they should call to clarify. Or, they can assume the worst of their host - that the person was extremely rude and only invited part of the social unit. I think in that situation, it's worse to assume that your host is rude. It seems better to me if you assume they just made a mistake on the invitation, and to call and make sure. Just showing up with your spouse without first clarifying with the host would be very rude, though.

In any case other than the host failing to invite both halves of a social unit, I think it's incredibly rude to call and ask if you can bring an univited guest with you.

Also lets not forget that some may think that the host just didn't know the name of their spouse. That has happened to me before.

 

[wdwfan16]

OP, great idea on the follow-up invitation.

 

[Scurvy]

I think this is the big difference in the responses. Obviously, many folks view themselves as "half" of a social unit. Of course inviting half a unit would be rude, kinda like inviting half of a pair of Siamese twins.

In my house, Bob and Jane are each individual social units. Do we do many, many things together? OF COURSE. Are we capable of enjoying ourselves as individual social units? HECK YEAH!!!

I'm not sure it's as much a matter of how people see themselves, as it is a matter of how focused people are on the "rules" of etiquette. I view myself as an individual and I'm happy to do things without my husband, just as he does things without me. We certainly aren't joined at the hip. But according to the rules of etiquette a married couple is viewed as a "social unit". If you are having an event and including some couples (as opposed to a shower or something with only one gender) then you are supposed to include both members of all social units, rather than picking and choosing only some couples and inviting one member of other couples. Of course this is only the case if you are concerned with following the "rules" of etiquette, which of course not everyone is. But if you choose not to, you may inadvertantly hurt or offend those who do care about things like that.

 

[cheermom1]

I'm not sure it's as much a matter of how people see themselves, as it is a matter of how focused people are on the "rules" of etiquette. I view myself as an individual and I'm happy to do things without my husband, just as he does things without me. We certainly aren't joined at the hip. But according to the rules of etiquette a married couple is viewed as a "social unit". If you are having an event and including some couples (as opposed to a shower or something with only one gender) then you are supposed to include both members of all social units, rather than picking and choosing only some couples and inviting one member of other couples. Of course this is only the case if you are concerned with following the "rules" of etiquette, which of course not everyone is. But if you choose not to, you may inadvertantly hurt or offend those who do care about things like that.

Exactly. I think what the main problem a lot of people are having is that she IS picking and choosing for some couples to be there and only inviting one of some. Plus this is a social event and NOT a work event. IF it were a work event the invitations would come from WORK! Plus she is inviting family and all their spouses as well. I am happy for the way she is handling it.

I just want to also say that my dh and I are NOT joined at the hip! But in a situation like this we both would think that it was rude for one or the other not to be invited especially on a weekend, and he wouldn't go since that is our time as with many other couples. Plus this is for a coworker and not family so IF they only invite one or the other than you obviously are not that close to this person so therefore more than likely the invite will be declined. This is where most people are coming from.