"May my wife accompany me?"

[BellePrincessBelle]

Well, let's just say that if I were a former or current co-worker whose spouse was not invited, I would send my regrets.

That would be my response also.

 

[Hillbeans]

I'd have something SIMPLER and less expensive-like an open house with nibbles and drinks at your house and not limit the guests.

Yes, I agree with this. I've been invited to things like this for co-workers after the work day like a Happy Hour, but it's much more casual and. If we're talking about a Saturday night party here then I think not having the option of bringing along spouses is a little awkward.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I have a question I was hoping you guys might be able to help me with. I am throwing a big surprise graduation party for my husband who is getting his doctorate this spring. In addition to inviting friends and family I also invited coworkers of his from all of his past jobs, and his present job. About 45 coworkers were invited. In all I am expecting about 100 people. I did not include significant others of the coworkers, unless he was friends with both people. I did this mainly because the function hall can't accommodate many more people (120 limit). Plus, it is costing me $30 per person, and if the 45 coworkers turned into 90 coworkers I couldn't afford it! Was that rude of me?

Coworkers are now beginning to ask if they can bring guests. I'm afraid if I say "No" to the people who ask, they won't bring guests. I know there will be some people there who won't ask but will still bring guests and that wouldn't be fair to the people who asked. Plus, I hate to just say "No." Or should I tell people that I would need to wait and see how many people RSVP because we are almost at the room limit? But that seems awkward and complicated.

Not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

You defined the parameters of the party, and the purpose. Excluding partners of former co-workers is not rude in the least. Why would you invite them? Regardless of the argument that this is a social event, it's still centered around the professional aspect of earning the doctorate.

So no, you were not wrong to define the parameters of your party.

Those who received clearly worded invitations are wrong to call and ask if they can bring someone. The invitation tells the recipient who is invited.

If there are those who (rather oddly in my opinion) "would NEVER attend a party" without their partner, then good. That relieves you from having to pay for that person.

I would NEVER WANT to attend a function that had anything to do with my wife's work colleagues and relationships. That would bore me to tears. I don't know those people, and don't necessarily care to spend my very limited free time with them. Also, she would then feel constrained to "stick by me" as I wouldn't know anyone, and that would interfere in her ability to renew acquaintances or network.

So. Go ahead, have the party, tell those impolite enough to ask if they can bring an uninvited guest that you are too concerned about the size of the reception accommodations and go with it.

Honoring your husband is the key here, eh?


An aside: My siblings and I hosted a 25th anniversary party for my parents. Their dearest friends were out of town (state actually) and would not be able to attend. So, my sister in charge of the invitation sending did not send them an invitation. They of course, returned unexpectedly and were really offended that they didn't get an invitation. She explained her "reasoning" saying that she didn't want to pressure them... whatever. They were upset.

They got over it. So did we. They remained friends with my parents.

Things happen, ya' know? Move on.

 

[PixieTopaz]

So. Go ahead, have the party, tell those impolite enough to ask if they can bring an uninvited guest that you are too concerned about the size of the reception accommodations and go with it.

.

I'm willing to bet a LOT of those recieving the invitation will simply assume their spouse is included-I would_ and bring a spouse without asking the OP. She may be faced with a LOT more people than she expected.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I'm willing to bet a LOT of those recieving the invitation will simply assume their spouse is included-I would_ and bring a spouse without asking the OP. She may be faced with a LOT more people than she expected.

Assumptions are generally dangerous things. If someone is not listed on the invitation, that person is not invited. Period. The only person for whom the invitation is intended is the one who is listed on the invitation. Period.

 

[pilotwife_02]

I'm going to put a different spin in it - perhaps SOME (not all, but some) of the people are calling and asking if their spouses are invited as well, not because they are rude, but because they are confused and not sure if they are invited and before just assuming they can bring them want to clear it up with the hostess of the party.

I hear people on here saying how rude the guests are for calling and asking, but maybe they are confused that they would be invited to a social function that seems like such a big deal but aren't allowed to bring their spouse so they are calling to clear up their confusion before bringing any extra guest that isn't on the list.

I don't know what I'd do this situation to be honest, I'd probably go with "typical" etiquette and assume who ever is on the invite is the only one invited.

If these people DIDN'T call the OP and just brought their spouse we'd probably have a post on here about the "party crashers"

Sorry to get off on a tangent, I just thought I'd offer a different perspective on the whole situation.

Now, OP I guess you have to consider if you are willing to "anger" some of the sensitive people if you tell them they can't bring their spouses, and yes there will be some of those people. I for one wouldn't be mad if I was told it was co-workers only event, but I know some people who would be. DH travels all the time, but we still understand that there are times where there are work function only events, even socially.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Well, let's just say that if I were a former or current co-worker whose spouse was not invited, I would send my regrets.

Sorry, you either had to have planned better and spent the extra $$ OR expect a lot of No's.

Good Luck though!

 

[mjkacmom]

This is a tricky one. DH's company has a Christmas party every year, and no one is allowed to bring a spouse. I think, though, outside work functions, spouses should be included, if other people attending are bringing spouses. For weddings, it would be rude to exclude a spouse, although I think it's okay to invite someone without a guest, provided there were several in the category, and they didn't have SO's.

 

[hentob]

Assuming that I liked the guest of honor, I would go to a party without my DH


I would figure you didn't have enough money to pay for everyone, and I would put on a happy face and go hang out with my other single-for-the-night co-workers I am sure we would have a blast!!

If I didn't like the guest of honor, I would use the fact that my DH couldn't come to get out of it

Either way, congrats to your husband, OP

 

[luvmy3]

if this was a staff function, then coworkers not being allowed to bring guests makes sense. But with this being a social function that has nothing to do with a work celebration but rather a personal one, then i personally wouldn't feel comfortable if my dh or i were told that we can't bring a guest. That doesn't mean that i'd definitely attend with my dh or vice versa, but we'd likely send our regrets if some kind of restriction was imposed like that when it's not a work related thing. It's not about us not being able to be apart from each other or that we don't care about the coworker...just a matter of courtesy in our eyes.

mte.

 

[grumpeeduck]

Count us in as people who would definitely send our regrets............I dont know why people do not understand that workers DO NOT want to spend their days and NIGHTS with their co-workers!!!! Newsflash-we have lives OUTSIDE of work! When the work day ends, it is time to go HOME.

 

[MiniGirl]

OP, I'm sorry that this celebration has turned into such a stressful thing for you.

I'm looking at your numbers though.... The hall can hold up to 120 people. You invited 100 -- 45 of whom were co-workers. Now, if they all brought someone, that would up your total to 145 -- making you over by 25 people. However, you said that in some cases the SO of the co-worker was invited because your dh was friends with both people. It appears that you may only be over about 20 people or so. Have you received any regrets? I would think you have received some. I know I have always been told that only those on the invitation are invited, so I'd know my dh wasn't and I would send my regrets. (I wouldn't have a problem with him not being invited. I just wouldn't want to go to a party where the only person I know is the guest of honor. Sounds like it'd be a long, lonely night for me.) If you have and you think you are under the limit, you can just suck it up and pay for the additional people.

However, how much do you see these former co-workers? Are they (or could they be) important business contacts? How important is it to you to keep the number to just those invited? If it is something that simply must be done, then you need to send out an e-mail and/or an additional note saying that due to the limitations of the hall size you are not able to accommodate anyone not listed on the invitation. You know people want to bring a guest to celebrate dh's big night, but it just isn't possible. Then, you may even consider having someone checking names at the door and actually turning people away who are not on the list. Yes, it is a drastic measure, and yes, you will probably offend those who bring uninvited guests, but it would solve your dilemna.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ajk912]

I see nothing wrong with not inviting spouses. The spouses never even met the person involved, not sure why they need an invite. It's not a wedding, where the guest needs someone to dance with. If someone is uncomfortable being at a party without their spouse, then they can stay home, their loss, imo.

 

[VillageMama]

If there are those who (rather oddly in my opinion) "would NEVER attend a party" without their partner, then good. That relieves you from having to pay for that person.

Really? Isn't the point of inviting someone to a party to get them to come? Is there a subgroup of people for whom it is "good" that they decline?

I presume that the family and friends who were invited will be there with their spouses. You didn't invite Uncle Jack without Aunt Jill, right? So some of the group will have the pleasure of enjoying the event with their spouse but the coworkers won't. That just doesn't seem right to me.

A former coworker's social event can be a bit awkward if you aren't close to the honoree or the other guests. Having your spouse there can make the event much more enjoyable.

 

[Ember]

I think what you are doing is very sweet. If the co-worker really loves your DH then they will be there, even without their spouse if you tell them that limits on how many people you can invite. If you have invited a bunch of coworkers then it isn't like they will be alone with no one they know.
If they choose not to attend over something like that, then take it with a grain of salt, and don't worry if you or DH is unable to make it to an event in their lives.

Hehe, this sort of reasoning works for family and close friends, but not for coworkers. I do not love any one my coworkers enough to do much of anything.

I'm sorry but you did mess this one up a bit. A social function should have included both partners. This is not a work function. And, no, it's not rude to ask the hostess if the invitation is extended to their partner. Particularly, as the OP is going against the social norm and only inviting one person of the couple. Better to clarify than assume wrong.

OP, you have two choices. Either stick to your guns and insist on no spouses in which case expect a much smaller guest list. No, I don't want to hang out with all my co-workers in my spare time, I have other things to do and my own social circle. I'm sure your friends and family are grand, but I have my own to spend time with. Besides, if some people bring their partners and the host told me I shouldn't bring mind I'd be a little annoyed, which is the case here. Or suck it up and allow people to bring their partners and rearrange the party to accommodate everyone.

 

[Sparx]

I think what you are doing is very sweet. If the co-worker really loves your DH then they will be there, even without their spouse if you tell them that limits on how many people you can invite. If you have invited a bunch of coworkers then it isn't like they will be alone with no one they know.
If they choose not to attend over something like that, then take it with a grain of salt, and don't worry if you or DH is unable to make it to an event in their lives.

Its 45 PAST coworkers who probably don't know anyone besides their fellow coworkers and the man of honor. No, I don't think most people LOVE their past coworkers. I think most PAST coworkers aren't invited to life events anyway, only friends. Coworkers aren't friends, but some friends are coworkers.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

Gee, when my husband got his doctorate, all we did was bring a cake and snacks to his university department! I am guessing some people will not come due to jelousy issues, so don't expect everyone- I speak from experience.

I also think spouses should be invited or you may find yourself being snubbed. If this was a work related party and no spouses were invited it would be OK. But since you have family, friends and married couples attending, it is a social party. I really don't think everyone invited is going to attend, so go ahead and let more come.

 

[Darsa]

Didn't read all of the replies, but I would have to say that if one of us was invited and not the other, we probably wouldn't go.

 

[wdwfan16]

I have a question I was hoping you guys might be able to help me with. I am throwing a big surprise graduation party for my husband who is getting his doctorate this spring. In addition to inviting friends and family I also invited coworkers of his from all of his past jobs, and his present job. About 45 coworkers were invited. In all I am expecting about 100 people. I did not include significant others of the coworkers, unless he was friends with both people. I did this mainly because the function hall can't accommodate many more people (120 limit). Plus, it is costing me $30 per person, and if the 45 coworkers turned into 90 coworkers I couldn't afford it! Was that rude of me?

Coworkers are now beginning to ask if they can bring guests. I'm afraid if I say "No" to the people who ask, they won't bring guests. I know there will be some people there who won't ask but will still bring guests and that wouldn't be fair to the people who asked. Plus, I hate to just say "No." Or should I tell people that I would need to wait and see how many people RSVP because we are almost at the room limit? But that seems awkward and complicated.

Not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Yes. Let them bring a guest.

 

[sbell111]

Well, let's just say that if I were a former or current co-worker whose spouse was not invited, I would send my regrets.