"May my wife accompany me?"

[NHdisneylover]

Just wanted to point out that while it was a breach of etiquette for the OP to not invite spouses to a social event (yes, even if if the honoree doesn't ordinarily socialize with them), it's an equal breach for the invitees to now call her and ask if they can bring a guest; and of course, ruder still will be the ones who DON'T call, but just ***ume and show up with, effectively, gate-crashers

I was typing while you posted I truly think many may assume that spouses were supposed to be included and that this wife of their former co-worker just didn't know their names to include on the invitation. It is so out of left field to not include spouses on something like this that I am not sure it would be rude to not consider that that is what actually is happening (or to call to double check at the very least).

 

[mking624]

it's an equal breach for the invitees to now call her and ask if they can bring a guest

How is it a breach of etiquette, let alone an equal breach, for the invitees to call and inquire about bringing a guest to the social event?

 

[mking624]

If I asked whether I could bring my spouse and you told me the room was too small, then I got there and saw that other people brought their spouses, I would be seriously offended.

Yeah this would be my issue too. Allowing some spouses/guests to attend but then telling others that they can't bring theirs (regardless of how well or little you may know the person) is rather rude. It would bother me a lot if someone told me DH wasn't allowed (or I wasn't allowed) and then come to find out that others were given an exception. It should be all or nothing.

 

[kaytieeldr]

If getting more space is not an option then my suggestion is to send an email to ALL of those coworkers and basically tell them you made a HUGE mistake and forgot to count their spouses when figuring out how big of a hall you needed. Basically, from my point of view since you have already been rude in not inviting people this does not add to it and honesty is probably your best policy in not hurting more feelings (okay--limited honesty I would NOT mention not wanting to invite them because of cost, just spin it to look like you forgot). Admit full out it was your mistake and very rude of you and you are so very sorry. Tell everyone it by no means means you do not want spouses there, but you are limited by the size of the hall.

Respectfully, that's overly harsh. You (several people, not just the quoted poster) call it rude; however, since it wasn't intentional, it would be more appropriately considered, as I said above, a breach of etiquette. Yeah, okay, if you want to point fingers, go ahead and call it rude.

But any guest who gets an invitation addressed to one person and takes it upon themselves to bring a 'date' - spouse, SO, friend, sibling, etc. - or even to call the hostess and ask if they may bring another person is at least equally rude. Really more rude, since a reasonable person could be expected to think that any other reasonable person issuing an invitation would know how to address the invitation based on who, exactly, is invited.

 

[kaytieeldr]

How is it a breach of etiquette, let alone an equal breach, for the invitees to call and inquire about bringing a guest to the social event?

Well, actually, it's a greater breach. It's extremely rude to call a hostess and ask to bring a guest. It's even ruder to NOT call, and instead to just show up with extra people.

 

[mking624]

Well, actually, it's a greater breach. It's extremely rude to call a hostess and ask to bring a guest. It's even ruder to NOT call, and instead to just show up with extra people.

I have to disagree. If it's a social event and the host or hostess has made no indication that guests are not allowed, it's reasonable for people to ask about it. Now I do agree that just assuming that it's ok would be rude, but I see no reason to come down on those who'd be asking about bringing someone to a social gathering...especially when the hostess is making exceptions for some people.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I have to disagree. If it's a social event and the host or hostess has made no indication that guests are not allowed, it's reasonable for people to ask about it.

Oh? Can you recommend a tactful way for the host/ess to indicate this? "You're cordially invited to celebrate David's college graduation with us at the Elk's Hall on Main Street, May 1 2010 at 1 PM. This invitation is for you only; no additional guests will be allowed"?

 

[mking624]

Oh? Can you recommend a tactful way for the host/ess to indicate this? "You're cordially invited to celebrate David's college graduation with us at the Elk's Hall on Main Street, May 1 2010 at 1 PM. This invitation is for you only; no additional guests will be allowed"?

Well, I guess it would be about as tactful as saying "No, you're not allowed to bring anyone even though I'm allowing others to do it." Personally, I think it's not unreasonable for someone to say "hey, I don't know if this would be ok so I thought I'd ask." Exactly where is the evil and harm in that? Especially when the OP is making allowances in some cases? I guess to each his own....

ETA: Some invites do make mention of who can and cannot attend. For example, it's not uncommon to see wedding reception invites make note of age limits (saying something like "adult only reception"). You can always include a note that says "Unfortunately we are limited with room and are unable to accommodate additional guests." I, personally, wouldn't find that wording offensive and would solve the problem of people calling to ask. However, you still run into a potential mess if people realize that some spouses were invited and others were not.

 

[bumbershoot]

I have to disagree. If it's a social event and the host or hostess has made no indication that guests are not allowed, it's reasonable for people to ask about it.

The rules of etiquette have long shown us the ways to make it clear who is invited. And that's in the invitation. The person named on the invitation (and in the case of a wedding with a double envelope, check the inner envelope for more names just in case) is the one invited. Period.

ETA: Some invites do make mention of who can and cannot attend. For example, it's not uncommon to see wedding reception invites make note of age limits (saying something like "adult only reception"). You can always include a note that says "Unfortunately we are limited with room and are unable to accommodate additional guests." I, personally, wouldn't find that wording offensive and would solve the problem of people calling to ask. However, you still run into a potential mess if people realize that some spouses were invited and others were not.

Notations like "adults only" are for those people who don't know how it should be done. Who haven't read their Emily, or nowadays her granddaughter (or daughter?) in law Peggy, Post.

It's the same compensation that's been done by putting a self addressed stamped envelope with which to rsvp (and the rsvp form, for that matter)...people used to know, and have the stationery with which to do so, that when you get an invitation, you grab your pen, paper, envelope, and *your own stamps*, and you rsvp right away. Nowadays people have forgotten this, so now it's "tradition" to have the stuff included already.

Etiquette has rules for this...people just aren't learning it anymore...



OP, I wonder if you could really run your numbers there.

I know it would cost you extra. But the hall holds 120. You expect 100.

One imagines that your friend and family invitees already include spouses, so no wild cards will be coming from there.

So then you have 45 employees. Some of them are spouses of each other.

So subtract those couples already taken care of from the 45. Some surely are single and hopefully won't decide to bring people. So how many married or seriously commited couples are left? How many of them have already contacted you? How many do you think will really bring someone.

I wonder if you might end up only hitting that 120, even if you invited the spouses....

I know you don't want to spend that extra, but it might make people really happy.

 

[shortbun]

Well, let's just say that if I were a former or current co-worker whose spouse was not invited, I would send my regrets.

Me too.

 

[mking624]

The rules of etiquette have long shown us the ways to make it clear who is invited. And that's in the invitation. The person named on the invitation (and in the case of a wedding with a double envelope, check the inner envelope for more names just in case) is the one invited. Period.



Notations like "adults only" are for those people who don't know how it should be done. Who haven't read their Emily, or nowadays her granddaughter (or daughter?) in law Peggy, Post.

It's the same compensation that's been done by putting a self addressed stamped envelope with which to rsvp (and the rsvp form, for that matter)...people used to know, and have the stationery with which to do so, that when you get an invitation, you grab your pen, paper, envelope, and *your own stamps*, and you rsvp right away. Nowadays people have forgotten this, so now it's "tradition" to have the stuff included already.

Etiquette has rules for this...people just aren't learning it anymore...

Etiquette "rules" vary from person to person, from place to place, from event to event, from generation to generation, from culture to culture, and so on. So many things factor into it. But people don't learn that part either. They just see it as "well, this is MY etiquette rule and if you don't follow it, you don't have proper etiquette." It kinda reminds me of some family I have who are of the mindset of "well this is how we've always done it so you're wrong!" I'm not saying they're wrong, I'm saying that how I handle it isn't necessarily wrong either. Sometimes things change and it's ok to adjust to change.

I understand what you're saying about the invited. However, when someone makes a point to invite some spouses but then tells others they can't bring theirs...it just doesn't look very good for the host and can even carry on to the guest of honor. If we're going to talk about poor etiquette, it should definitely start there. My biggest problem with this entire situation is simply that...that some exceptions are being made while others are a definite no.

I'd love to know when people decided that Emily Post was the be all, end all for how things should go. Not saying that all the advice is bad, but it doesn't always take into consideration the factors I've mentioned.

 

[aprilgail2]

Whoever comes comes and if they don't want to come without a spouse then they can stay home. We recently had a co-worker get married and 10 of us (guys and girls) were invited - by ourselves (oh the horror!) and all 10 of us went -by ourselves- and they had us all sat at the same table (big sit down wedding) and we had a really good time.

 

[kacaju]

WOW, I am really surprised at the amount of people that would not go if the spouse was not invited. I would have no problem with this!!

 

[eliza61]

I have a question I was hoping you guys might be able to help me with. I am throwing a big surprise graduation party for my husband who is getting his doctorate this spring. In addition to inviting friends and family I also invited coworkers of his from all of his past jobs, and his present job. About 45 coworkers were invited. In all I am expecting about 100 people. I did not include significant others of the coworkers, unless he was friends with both people. I did this mainly because the function hall can't accommodate many more people (120 limit). Plus, it is costing me $30 per person, and if the 45 coworkers turned into 90 coworkers I couldn't afford it! Was that rude of me?


Not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

I don't think it was rude but misinformed.

General rule of thumb. If the event is directly after work or held at the place of business then excluding spouses is normal.
If the event is held in the evening or weekend and held in a public restaurant or bar type setting, it is normal to allow spouses of coworkers to attend especially if the majority of coworkers are married.

I would downsize the event in order to allow spouses.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I kind of think it is weird outside of a business party to not have invited spouses.

But that is just me.

I probably would have reduced my guest list. Too late now and if you make one exception, you might find you might have to make more or risk further etiquette issues.

It is not rude for you to keep a party within your budget, but I feel it was rude of how you did your guest list--since you as a spouse would also be attending a non-work celebratory event.

 

[Pigeon]

If I were invited to something like this without my dh, I wouldn't go. I think it's common courtesy to invite people to bring a guest. I wouldn't be in a snit, I would just decline politely.

I can understand budget restrictions, but I would have invited fewer people, assuming they would bring an escort.

 

[golfgal]

I think it is rude that you did not invite spouses to an activity outside of work. If I liked my coworkers enough I might go without a spouse but it was rude not to include them to start with.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Even though she asked, pointing fingers, quoting Emily Post and debating on who's the rudest hostess or guest isn't going to help the OP out of this situation. The incident has happened and now more people are coming than she expected.

OP, take the bull by the horns, send out emails or call your guests. Tell them that more people RSVP'd than you expected and you are now running over the body restrictions of the hall you rented. You're very sorry, but you'll be unable to accept spouses or extra guests at this particular function due to hall size limitations. If they won't attend without spouses or dates, then you're very sorry that they won't be there, CONFIRM that they are RSVP-ing a NO, and that's the end of it.

While it might have been a mistake to not consider spouses when writing the invitations, the mistake has happened and you can't do anything about it. Time to do damage control and remember this lesson the next time around.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Respectfully, that's overly harsh. You (several people, not just the quoted poster) call it rude; however, since it wasn't intentional, it would be more appropriately considered, as I said above, a breach of etiquette. Yeah, okay, if you want to point fingers, go ahead and call it rude.

But any guest who gets an invitation addressed to one person and takes it upon themselves to bring a 'date' - spouse, SO, friend, sibling, etc. - or even to call the hostess and ask if they may bring another person is at least equally rude. Really more rude, since a reasonable person could be expected to think that any other reasonable person issuing an invitation would know how to address the invitation based on who, exactly, is invited.

Clearing this up largely so the OP understands where I am coming from

OP asked if she had been rude. This is her word. I believe it was/is rude to invite some spouses but not all to any event (even a wedding should either be that spouse are included or not). I also think that for a large graduation PARTY (not attending the event itself, not a wedding, not a small dinner party or some other place where attendance is customarily limited) it is expected and proper to invite spouses as well.

I actually personally do not think the OP was "very rude" or made a "huge mistake" I think she was meerly misinformed and not thinking about how this situation could play out. I sued those words as examples of how she could send a self deprecating email to try to fix the situation now. It was an idea of how she could as gracefully as possible get herself out of the jam she is in while hurting as few feelings as possible (I was thinking it would be awful is she puts all this work into the party and at the end of the day her husband, who she wanted to treat to something nice, loses a friend who take offense at not being permitted to bring a spouse while others are). So yes, I think she made an unintentionally rude blunder with no ill malice at all and I am trying to present her with what seems to me to be the best way to get out of the scrape. That's all.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Even though she asked, pointing fingers, quoting Emily Post and debating on who's the rudest hostess or guest isn't going to help the OP out of this situation. The incident has happened and now more people are coming than she expected.

OP, take the bull by the horns, send out emails or call your guests. Tell them that more people RSVP'd than you expected and you are now running over the body restrictions of the hall you rented. You're very sorry, but you'll be unable to accept spouses or extra guests at this particular function due to hall size limitations. If they won't attend without spouses or dates, then you're very sorry that they won't be there and that's the end of it.

While it might have been a mistake to not consider spouses when writing the invitations, the mistake has happened and you can't do anything about it. Time to do damage control and remember this lesson the next time around.

I agree--you and I posted at the same time. DAMAGE CONTROL is the issue now.