Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[aclov]

Carol17 - it's too to hear positive words coming from you!

My brother is 32, single and actually still lives at home (downstairs from my parents). My mother sometimes says that she feels sorry for him but I'm like WHY?! He's probably better off than ALOT of people with marital problems or crazy kids or somekind of drama. He gets to spend his money on himself, he helps my mom financially and doesn't have to answer to anyone.

And you are VERY lucky to be going to WDW, it's something you accomplished for yourself and you should be proud of that.

 

[roselark]

I think it is wonderful that you and your wife were able to recognize that you didn't feel complete without children, and then fill that vacancy, and now are happy. My husband and I have felt complete from almost the moment we met, almost 10 years ago. It is a true love affair with each other, and there is nothing missing for us. I agree with the other poster who said that you don't need to understand this, just accept that some people are different from you, and we all have different contributions to make to this world.



This is not "a load of..." I don't think anyone here is saying that EVERY parent feels trapped, they are pointing out that it is better to remain happily childfree than to have a child because you think it's what you have to do. I have a close friend who didn't want kids, but had them for her husband and family, thought what everyone said was true that it would be different when they were her own, and now has admitted to me that she doesn't feel connected to them and if she could do it over again, wouldn't.



Don't feel sad for those who make such a personal choice and are happy with it. It is much sadder to want a child and not be able to conceive, and just as sad to not want a child, and conceive anyway. It is sad when a parent feels fulfilled by a child, and then feels like they missed out on their life when that child leaves (some couples even divorce after the children are grown because they don't feel like a couple anymore). It is sad when a parent feels like they failed when their child grows up to be not so wonderful. It is NOT sad when two people in love decide that they are not missing anything, that they have many talents and gifts to give the world that are just as important as children, and are enjoying a 'wonderful miracle' of their own - a life together. So...don't feel sad for me!

Very, very nicely said!

My husband and I feel the same way. We just celebrated our 11th anniversary. I am 34, he is 35, and we are best friends and completely content with our lives. We don't want anything to change and do not need children in order to fell "more complete".

There are lots of reasons why people choose not to have children. One of the biggest factors for both my DH and I was the fact that we grew up in abusive households. We have seen our siblings (except for Dh's brother) repeat the cycle of abuse. We have done the best we can both for the children as well as our siblings, but through our experiences, we decided that we would not even take the chance of repeating it ourselves. We didn't really want children anyway, but this really reinforces that decision.

 

[kmmccart75]

WOO HOO, DITTO!

Very, very nicely said!

My husband and I feel the same way. We just celebrated our 11th anniversary. I am 34, he is 35, and we are best friends and completely content with our lives. We don't want anything to change and do not need children in order to fell "more complete".

Thanks so much, both of you, for the feedback. I've been lurking here for a while, and finally decided to chime in. I just couldn't let someone 'feel sad' for me, when I am so completely happy for myself!

I was so relieved to see this thread on the DIS, too. I love Disney and don't think it's just for kids - after all, there's five star dining, a wine festival, a wonderful spa, etc., etc. And, I love being a big kid at heart and enjoying all the rest of the magic Disney has to offer. I also find it to be a very romantic place to enjoy with my husband. Well, at least when I'm not surrounded by 'melt-downs' as I've seen mentioned here...

 

[FortWildernessLoopy]

Pirate night. These were our servers.

OK, this is going to be a weird question, but was one of your servers named "Romeo"? I ask because we had Romeo when he was first training and just loved him. The picture looks so much like him. I want to say he was from the Phillipines, but I just can't remember.

 

[Hixski]

OK, this is going to be a weird question, but was one of your servers named "Romeo"? I ask because we had Romeo when he was first training and just loved him. The picture looks so much like him. I want to say he was from the Phillipines, but I just can't remember.

Good eyes!!!! That is Romeo in the midddle. He was excellent. We am going to try to ask for him the next time we go. He said he will still be there for a few more years.

 

[zima-cheryl]

I get an e-mail every week from Air Fare Watch Dog. This week's question is "Should there be a separate seating area on planes for families with babies and young children?"

I found some of the answers quite funny. Others were interesting too...in a scary, sad sort of way.

http://www.airfarewatchdog.com/Airf...leType/ArticleView/articleId/488/Default.aspx

Personally I find a nice strong mojito & I'm out for an hour or two. I've slept from Hartford to Orlando on an early plane full of screaming, tired kids.

 

[Hixski]

I was just reading our weekend paper and found this. It was in the advice column of "ASK AMY". I thought everyone might get a kick out of it.

Dear Amy: My wife and I do not have children. We do have many friends who have children. We enjoy visiting most of our friends (and children). Certain couples, though, think that an entertaining evening is hours upon hours of giving in to the constant demands for attention by their children.

I have, on several occasions, visited one friend's house to watch the "big game" only to be stuck watching "The Lion King" because it's the only thing that will keep the kids quiet. I love my friends and their kids, but I have had to bite my tongue many times, the most memorable when my friend advised his daughter to ask me nicely if I would move off the couch when she complained that I was sitting in "her spot".

We couples without children must understand that when our friends have children, the children are No. 1 to them. But parents must also realize that if they want to stay close with their friends, they might want to stop doing things that scream "you're not important" when we visit.

Amy's Answer: You raise an excellent point that I hope parents will absorb. I particularly treasure the image of a grown man in a tug-of-war with a toddler over a spot on the couch. In such matters, the toddler always seems to win.

Parents out there!!!! Are you listening????

 

[brucec32]

There will always be those who cannot understand how some people like coffee and some like tea. And because you like tea the coffee drinker will become insanely suspicious and critical of you. He is simply transferring his own insecurities over his decision onto you.

My observation is that it works well for at most 50% of those who have kids. Those are likely people who really want them. The other 50% were either defective human beings or just doing what they figured society wanted them to do.

I've witnessed enough family vitriol and bad blood in dozens of families to know that it isn't the dreamland for everyone some want to paint it to be.

 

[Poppinsme]

There will always be those who cannot understand how some people like coffee and some like tea. And because you like tea the coffee drinker will become insanely suspicious and critical of you. He is simply transferring his own insecurities over his decision onto you.

My observation is that it works well for at most 50% of those who have kids. Those are likely people who really want them. The other 50% were either defective human beings or just doing what they figured society wanted them to do.

I've witnessed enough family vitriol and bad blood in dozens of families to know that it isn't the dreamland for everyone some want to paint it to be.

You are so right.
I have a friend that had 3 children because thats what her parents and husband wanted. She didn't. She is miserable and probably has taken it out on her children because they are in high school/college and have nothing to do with her. As soon as the last one graduates she is divorcing her husband and moving out of town. The whole thing is terribly sad because she says if they hadn't had children she probably would love her husband but because he forced her to have them she grew to resent DH. I feel so bad for her and her children(who are great kids by the way).

 

[honugirl]

It's nice to see that people enjoyed the DCL vacations that are child-free. My significant other and I were thinking about taking one, but were worried about all of the children we might encounter.

It's really nice to see a thread like this on the disboards. I made the mistake of opening my big mouth on another forum here and got chewed up and spit out by parents.

I'm planning on having a tubal done here as soon as hockey season is over (for some reason, skating is much harder after surgery!). I've just never felt a desire to have children. I also have some health things that I really don't want to pass on and my career choice is one that is not conducive to child rearing. Nice to know there are some like minded people out there! And ones who like Disney to boot, even better!

 

[ChisJo]

Welcome honugirl! Yes, you are right - there are many people out there who believe that it is our human responsibility to have children and they don't understand our defective mind and decisions, but alas, we have grouped together and formed this new bond

Hope everyone is doing alright - I'm working tons lately to make extra money for our upcoming trip (39 days!) so haven't been on much - any plans for Halloween?

 

[mollygirl13]

Hello all-
I just forund this forum and I am glad I did! I am 33 and DH is 32. We have been together for 17 years and married for 8. We have both known early on that we did not want children. Our families have known but always say,"You'll change your mind once you are older." Are you kidding me?? Even my friends, co-workers and patients I see (I do Mammography-saving lives every day!) say the same exact thing to me. My response has always been the same. My husband and I do not want children-EVER! We have 2 doggies that are our kids. We LOVE our life. We go to WDW 2 x a year and spend our summers at the beach. We take naps on the weekends and watch movies at night. We sleep in late and love each other more than anything else in the world! Even as we get older, we are a million percent happy with our decision! Deep down inside, I know my friends/family members who are parents secretly envy us for our lifestyle. But they never would admit it.
Thanks for listening. DH and I always thought we were alone in our decisions. I am glad to know that there are others out there who are just like us-childless by choice AND Disney lovers!!

PS: We leave for WDW in 10 hours!!!

 

[TXTurtles]

Welcome onboard Mollygirl! Whatever parents may say, I think I enjoy WDW FAR more without little ones to keep my eye on every second! DH and I are very happy to keep our family limited to us. I work with kids as a job so I'm not one of those who has trouble with anyone under college age - I really like those kids. I especially like giving them back to their parents at the end of the day!

And we've totally gotten the "you'll feel differently when you're older" and "it's different when they're yours." I had a friend say that today and my reponse (which is probably the first one I'm pleased with - most more resemble putting my foot down my throat) was that I wasn't willing to bet a child's life on it. It worked on her. I'll have to continue testing it, see how well it wears. But yeah, DH and I are not terribly selfish people, as far as I can tell, we're just not good parents. Good people, not good parents. It's possible!

At the same time I love my kids I work with, adore my little nephew, and hope for a little niece before too long. If I really feel the need to see Disney through the eyes of a child I'll borrow one of them and be the fun aunt. But then, I've had the benifit of having an unmarried aunt as a friend my whole life. She's the Aunt Mame in our family and it's WONDERFUL. Why would I want to deprive my sis's kids of the same fun?

 

[SanFranciscan]

I don't know how long it is going to take me to read through all of these posts in what looks like an interesting thread, but I expect that I will probably try.

I don't have children. My husband is my only family. Nevertheless, I don't think I ever wanted children in more than a Norman Rockwell kind of way. I am certain that my husband is right that we would have fought more if we had had children. I know that I might regret not having them someday, but I would rather regret the children that I did not have than the children that I did.

One option you can do to stop the pressure is voluntary sterilization. Then you can honestly say that your doctor says that you can't have children and just looked distressed if someone is tacky enough to persue the subject. They will assume that the infertility is involuntary and feel guilty enough to just knock it off.

 

[ChisJo]

I would rather regret the children that I did not have than the children that I did.

Very well said....

 

[honugirl]

Thanks for the warm welcome ChrisJo. Go Oilers!

I too get the "You'll change your mind." Or the "It's different when they're yours." Sigh. Not everyone was born to have children. I think it's better to realize it and not bring a child into a home where it's not truly wanted than to give in to societal pressure and make the kids feel bad.

I love being able to go to WDW and do what I want to do. Stay out as late as I want to. Eat where I want to. And kiss where I want to without feeling guilty.

I like being able to go on vacation whenever I want to, where ever I want to and not worry about anything but a few houseplants.

 

[dreaming_of_disney__]

My 2 cents is this;

I think there is enormous societal pressure brought to bear on marrieds to have children. The truth is that many child bearing couples lives have been enriched by having children, and they think that only by having children can you begin to understand the absolute joy they themselves feel in loving another so unconditonally. So the logic would be that they feel you don't know what your missing if you choose not to reproduce, bringing about the "you'll change your mind" comments.
Also, as a species we are hardwired to reproduce, it's in our nature. So when the masses are happily following the biological imperative to go forth and multiply it's also natural to wonder about those who do not.

I am a labor and delivery nurse so I see every spectrum of the childbearing woman . From the 13 year old who is still a child herself to the settled couple who begin child bearing after 40. I also see women who are desperate to concieve who are in agony because they remain childless, they feel somehow less than, because thier bodies cannot do what they percieve every other woman takes for granted, they ability to have a child.

What I see most of all unfortunately, is young 20 somethings, having kids without any thought to the impact these new people are going to have on their lives.

You need to pass a test to aquire a liscence to drive a car, to prove to others that your capable and safe behind the wheel. There is no skill testing question required to become a parent, and often it occurs without forthought and purpose.

I think that the majority of people who decide NOT to have childen give the decision a great deal of thought and don't take their choice lightly. I only wish people were so deliberate in the decision to have kids rather then just kinda going along with the "next logical step in the circle of life" mindset.

In case you were wondering I'm 32 without children...
Personally, In my case if I were going to have a child I would want to be an excellent parent and I'm just not willing to put in the work required to be one. Raising children into purposeful and productive and nice human beings takes a lot of effort. Call me selfish if you like... I prefer sensible.

We've all seen children who have NOT had the effort put in haven't we?

Sorry, got long winded, my 2 cents is now 4...

Have a good day all!

 

[Shyvioletisme]

My 2 cents is this;

I think there is enormous societal pressure brought to bear on marrieds to have children. The truth is that many child bearing couples lives have been enriched by having children, and they think that only by having children can you begin to understand the absolute joy they themselves feel in loving another so unconditonally. So the logic would be that they feel you don't know what your missing if you choose not to reproduce, bringing about the "you'll change your mind" comments.
Also, as a species we are hardwired to reproduce, it's in our nature. So when the masses are happily following the biological imperative to go forth and multiply it's also natural to wonder about those who do not.

I am a labor and delivery nurse so I see every spectrum of the childbearing woman . From the 13 year old who is still a child herself to the settled couple who begin child bearing after 40. I also see women who are desperate to concieve who are in agony because they remain childless, they feel somehow less than, because thier bodies cannot do what they percieve every other woman takes for granted, they ability to have a child.

What I see most of all unfortunately, is young 20 somethings, having kids without any thought to the impact these new people are going to have on their lives.

You need to pass a test to aquire a liscence to drive a car, to prove to others that your capable and safe behind the wheel. There is no skill testing question required to become a parent, and often it occurs without forthought and purpose.

I think that the majority of people who decide NOT to have childen give the decision a great deal of thought and don't take their choice lightly. I only wish people were so deliberate in the decision to have kids rather then just kinda going along with the "next logical step in the circle of life" mindset.

In case you were wondering I'm 32 without children...
Personally, In my case if I were going to have a child I would want to be an excellent parent and I'm just not willing to put in the work required to be one. Raising children into purposeful and productive and nice human beings takes a lot of effort. Call me selfish if you like... I prefer sensible.

We've all seen children who have NOT had the effort put in haven't we?

Sorry, got long winded, my 2 cents is now 4...

Have a good day all!

wonderfully put. I completely agree.

 

[Donald&Tinkerbell]

I, too, heard the "you'll change your mind, it's different when it's your own, and your biological clock will kick in". I'm 54 years old, been married for 28 years and we haven't changed our minds nor do we have regrets. You should think about being a parent and make a decision. Oh, my favorite one? Who will take care of you when you are old? Like having children is a guarantee of being take care of when you get old!

 

[Hixski]

I don't think I have a biological clock. If I do I sure have never heard it ticking. I have said before DH and I were fence sitters but when nothing ever happened we just did not do anything about it. It was at that time we realized we weren't going to do anything about it and probably had never really wanted children that bad to begin with.

Next month I will be 48 and we still have not changed our minds. We have plenty of children in our lives whenever we want them. The great part of that is you get to give them back.