Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[KirklandTutu]

Maybe I can help you understand

I spent 25 years growing-up and being a kid (took a few extra years to finish college, after changing major)

Now I had a choice.... spend the next 25 years, doing the same thing I just did all over again
or try something new.

I guess I never thought I'd be complete without seeing the rest of the world.

PTA, School Bus, pee-wee baseball, shopping for back to school, drinking cool-aid, birthday party, learning to ride a bike, first kiss, skinned knee.... just sounds dull as dishwater...
to do it all-over-agin? It was fun the first time around. Now for something new


.

YES!
and to add. I hated, as a kid, having parents. I know, sounds strange, but from day one I never liked that dynamic. I don't want to be a parent, just as I didn't want to be parented (I know, I just made up that word, but I think it gets the point across).

Even if I were to want kids, I probably wouldn't because I know that I wouldn't be a good parent. I'd be selfish and more the child the entire time. Best to just say no than to be a bad parent.

I don't think that I'm missing out on anything not having kids. I think I'd miss out on more if I had them.

 

[PoohNTuck]

Thanks to all who keep posting here. DH and I are newlyweds (5 months) and constantly get baby related questions... we aren't ready and talk about possibly never being ready. We want too many other things and don't think we'll ever be able to afford kids. Maybe if we made $100,000/year and both stayed home full-time we'd feel different about raising kids. We can't afford a house yet... how do people afford a house, kids, vacations... we aren't interested in a lifetime of debt and stress.

It's just hard to explain to people right now... lots of baby fever in the late 20s/early 30s age group...

 

[FortWildernessLoopy]

Here's a little quote I found from
The Shame of Not Wanting Children,The Social Stigma of Leading a Ward-Free Life,by Carolyn Ray

Currently, a popular view is that children are creatures who naturally demand sacrifice. Sacrifice is considered by many to be an intrinsic good. It is common for people to say, with an air of moralistic condescension, "What do you mean, children are too large an investment? You have to make some sacrifices in in life!" Perhaps it's true that some sacrifices have to be made in life. But why this sacrifice, in particular?

Many people are unable to imagine a person who is happy without children. There are some eccentric artists and philosophers who never had children, but of course they're oddballs. It is unthinkable that any of the nice people in one's social circle would intentionally go childless.

Even if they are vaguely aware that there are people with children who are not at all happy, still many people think that living without children increases the risk of unhappiness. This may be true for some people. But there is no good reason to think that it is true for all people, and plenty of reasons against thinking so.

I am convinced that there are many parents who never wanted children. They created them anyway because they didn't know how to stand up for what they really did want. Judging by the way many parents behave toward children, and by the things they comp lain about, it seems pretty clear that most people don't like children very much at all. They are bothered by a high percentage of the natural behavior of healthy children.

Some of these very people will try hard to convince others to have children too. Why would this happen? Some people genuinely believe that a happy life is not possible to the ward-free adult. But for others, I think defensiveness is part of the reas on for the inconsistency. Whether one voices any criticism of them or not, some people who have created children without really wanting them will consider someone else's decision not to live with children as an implied accusation of a lack of foresight. And others who are happy to live with children consider the decision to do otherwise as an assault on their values and their lifestyle. The rest of the cause can be attributed to unthinking conformity to established practice.

Now personally, I enjoyed my childhood, but I get along great with my parents now as an adult. My DH and I are about to go on a cruise with my folks and aunt and uncle....right in the middle of the week, and during the school year, too. We can go to Disney pretty much monthly and only go to see what we want to. We eat wherever we like the food , no accomodations for chicken fingers and ranch dressing. No getting babysitters or dealing with any of the drama of a spoilt child. Instead of waiting for our golden years to finally have "alone time", my DH and I have it every, single day.

Its been said before, but is worth saying again...If you haven't done Disney without kids, you haven't done Disney!

 

[maddhatir]

I don't understand how some folks can be Yankees fans.

I am still good friends w/them - I just don't understand.

OMG Zima!!! I had to go back and check his post to see what reference he made about the Yankees!!!!

Sorry- It's early!! Let me get more coffee in me and I will check back later!

 

[Shyvioletisme]

like the food , no accomodations for chicken fingers !

apparently you haven't met my husband who is a really picky eater and is a chicken finger/tender fanatic!! lol...But I get your point. Definitely a plus. Our anniversary is at the end of October, during the school year...We will always be able to just go somewhere for it without having to worry about babysitters or taking kids out of school. It is such a happy thought.

 

[zima-cheryl]

OMG Zima!!! I had to go back and check his post to see what reference he made about the Yankees!!!!

Sorry- It's early!! Let me get more coffee in me and I will check back later!

Oh - there was no Yankee reference - I was just making a funny while making a point.


People make lots of decisions every day & we all don't agree on the same thing. Honestly, having friends who are different is what makes life interesting.

How boring if we all did the same thing, went the same places, ate the same types of food & enjoyed the same things.

So I'll take a few Yankee fans, and people w/out kids, and people who like lima beans, and republicans/democrats, cat/dog lovers, and so on ...because everyone can add something to my life or teach me something.

{Go Red Sox!}

 

[kmmccart75]

...there's no way my wife and I would feel complete without children.

I think it is wonderful that you and your wife were able to recognize that you didn't feel complete without children, and then fill that vacancy, and now are happy. My husband and I have felt complete from almost the moment we met, almost 10 years ago. It is a true love affair with each other, and there is nothing missing for us. I agree with the other poster who said that you don't need to understand this, just accept that some people are different from you, and we all have different contributions to make to this world.

The OP's notion of "that's to be expected" is a big old load of BS. Kids are a product of love between two people. You don't have to have a child to love one another, but if you decide to have a child(ren), others shouldn't try to cop-out by saying "they were expected to have children and they are now trapped" or phrases to that effect by couples who don't want children.

This is not "a load of..." I don't think anyone here is saying that EVERY parent feels trapped, they are pointing out that it is better to remain happily childfree than to have a child because you think it's what you have to do. I have a close friend who didn't want kids, but had them for her husband and family, thought what everyone said was true that it would be different when they were her own, and now has admitted to me that she doesn't feel connected to them and if she could do it over again, wouldn't.

I want to say that i feel sad for anyone who deprives themselves of such a wonderful miracle...

Don't feel sad for those who make such a personal choice and are happy with it. It is much sadder to want a child and not be able to conceive, and just as sad to not want a child, and conceive anyway. It is sad when a parent feels fulfilled by a child, and then feels like they missed out on their life when that child leaves (some couples even divorce after the children are grown because they don't feel like a couple anymore). It is sad when a parent feels like they failed when their child grows up to be not so wonderful. It is NOT sad when two people in love decide that they are not missing anything, that they have many talents and gifts to give the world that are just as important as children, and are enjoying a 'wonderful miracle' of their own - a life together. So...don't feel sad for me!

 

[aclov]

Hixski & Markstudy - Great pictures! Gosh that water looks great!

It all comes down to choices and what you (or if your married - spouse or signaficant other )are in agreement with. I have a friend who was dating a doctor and she did not want children. He did, she didn't. So they broke up. I really respect the fact that she was honest with him and didn't end up getting married and having children because that's what was expected or what HE wanted. Some people might see that as selfish, but I see it as being a confident person.

 

[FortWildernessLoopy]

Don't feel sad for those who make such a personal choice and are happy with it. It is much sadder to want a child and not be able to conceive, and just as sad to not want a child, and conceive anyway. It is sad when a parent feels fulfilled by a child, and then feels like they missed out on their life when that child leaves (some couples even divorce after the children are grown because they don't feel like a couple anymore). It is sad when a parent feels like they failed when their child grows up to be not so wonderful. It is NOT sad when two people in love decide that they are not missing anything, that they have many talents and gifts to give the world that are just as important as children, and are enjoying a 'wonderful miracle' of their own - a life together. So...don't feel sad for me!

WOO HOO, DITTO!

 

[Carol17]

Im 35. Im single. No kids. I just dont see it ever happening. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would ever want to marry me. This leaves me with the double whammy of questions of why Im single with no kids at my age. I never really felt the need to have kids. I stupidly started looking around face book for old classmates, and it saddened me to see all my old classmates with spouses, kids, pictures of happy,smiling families. Just reminded me of what I might be missing. Im starting to finally realize, wow, I have no family. If I get seriously ill, there is no one to take care of me. When I get emails from old classmates asking me "whats new?" I have nothing to say. Nothing. All I ever talk about is work. It is all I have.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Thanks Hixsi, aclov, and FtWildernessLoopy, for the cruise-related posts!

I guess I think of cruises as being stuck on a boat for 7 days. But after reading these posts, it sounds more like being in a floating hotel--that there are ports most every day where you get off and tour, right?

I am so afraid I would feel "stuck" and bored. I love to eat, drink, and be merry but I am definitely a go-go-go kind of vacationer. I like to have lots of choices of things to do.

Hixsi, those photos are just GORGEOUS. I know part of my anti-cruise feeling is that DH and I spent a long weekend in the Bahamas once and absolutely hated the way we were approached and treated by the people who lived there. We did not like being approached constantly to buy stuff, have our hair braided, etc. Please tell me there are ports in the Caribbean that aren't like that!

 

[maddhatir]

Im 35. Im single. No kids. I just dont see it ever happening. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would ever want to marry me. This leaves me with the double whammy of questions of why Im single with no kids at my age. I never really felt the need to have kids. I stupidly started looking around face book for old classmates, and it saddened me to see all my old classmates with spouses, kids, pictures of happy,smiling families. Just reminded me of what I might be missing. Im starting to finally realize, wow, I have no family. If I get seriously ill, there is no one to take care of me. When I get emails from old classmates asking me "whats new?" I have nothing to say. Nothing. All I ever talk about is work. It is all I have.

Boy- you are really down on yourself- Why would you think no one would want to marry you??

By the sounds of it- it DOES seem like if you met the right guy- you would probably want a family

All of us here are happy to be childfree- no regrets- no wishing this or that.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I do not think I would be able to give you any advise you might need.

 

[maddhatir]

Quick story- Me amd mom took a ride to our towns Fall Festival after doing some yardsaling yesterday.

Every year we say we are going and for some reason or another we never make it. So we made time.

I told her while walking half way through REMIND ME! NEXT YEAR! IF I SAY I WANT TO GO TO THIS THING AGAIN....THAT I AM AN IDIOT!

There were screaming kids everywhere!

I heard one kid screaming about a block down- well, the family finally approaches us and the girl is still screaming. I see she is in a stroller- she is about 3 or 4, and her brother keeps bopping her with some stupid "made this @ the Fall Festival" hat! Yes- when they made it up to us- the grandmother FINALLY says- "will you leave her alone!" and the kid stopped- WHY!? did I notice from a block away the kid was screaming but it took the family all that time to say something!

I told mom- "this is an anxiety attack just WAITIN' to happen!" "GET ME THE %$#@ OUTTA HERE!"

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Im 35. Im single. No kids. I just dont see it ever happening. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would ever want to marry me. This leaves me with the double whammy of questions of why Im single with no kids at my age. I never really felt the need to have kids. I stupidly started looking around face book for old classmates, and it saddened me to see all my old classmates with spouses, kids, pictures of happy,smiling families. Just reminded me of what I might be missing. Im starting to finally realize, wow, I have no family. If I get seriously ill, there is no one to take care of me. When I get emails from old classmates asking me "whats new?" I have nothing to say. Nothing. All I ever talk about is work. It is all I have.

Carol, you sound like you are feeling really down on yourself. I'm sorry you feel like nobody would want to marry you. Dating is really, really hard (at least for me--I never liked dating but love being in a relationship!) but you probably need to put yourself out there and try to make some connections if you are feeling alone.

If you love your work, that is a BIG positive in your life.

 

[ChisJo]

Quick story- Me amd mom took a ride to our towns Fall Festival after doing some yardsaling yesterday.

Every year we say we are going and for some reason or another we never make it. So we made time.

I told her while walking half way through REMIND ME! NEXT YEAR! IF I SAY I WANT TO GO TO THIS THING AGAIN....THAT I AM AN IDIOT!

There were screaming kids everywhere!

I heard one kid screaming about a block down- well, the family finally approaches us and the girl is still screaming. I see she is in a stroller- she is about 3 or 4, and her brother keeps bopping her with some stupid "made this @ the Fall Festival" hat! Yes- when they made it up to us- the grandmother FINALLY says- "will you leave her alone!" and the kid stopped- WHY!? did I notice from a block away the kid was screaming but it took the family all that time to say something!

I told mom- "this is an anxiety attack just WAITIN' to happen!" "GET ME THE %$#@ OUTTA HERE!"

This reminds me of my day yesterday! I went out with my sis to this really nice little coffee house with relaxing music playing in the background. There were university students studying there. There were business people with there laptops there. It seemed so nice. My sister was away from her kids and it was so nice in there. Well, in comes 2 women with their kids in strollers....normally, I would have no problem with this if in a normal situation, the parents were COGNIZANT of the atmosphere in which they were entering. But no....oblivious. The kids were SCREAMING - and then they let them out of the strollers to, I don't know, run around and drive the other patrons crazy??? It's not like its a coffee house or anything and there isn't hot coffee on peoples tables that they can knock over and burn themselves on...or better yet, get on the laptops and ruin them. You could see the anxiety of the patrons in there....unbelievable. Seriously, they let them do this for about 20 min (a couple of minutes, ok...but 20?? Come on). Finally, one of the moms gets her kid and says to stop it....and they throw this huge temper tantrum!!! After 10 more minutes of screaming, they leave. We should have left long before then, but my sister just kept saying it had to stop sooner or later....Hate to see what those kids are like at home.

 

[ChisJo]

Im 35. Im single. No kids. I just dont see it ever happening. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would ever want to marry me. This leaves me with the double whammy of questions of why Im single with no kids at my age. I never really felt the need to have kids. I stupidly started looking around face book for old classmates, and it saddened me to see all my old classmates with spouses, kids, pictures of happy,smiling families. Just reminded me of what I might be missing. Im starting to finally realize, wow, I have no family. If I get seriously ill, there is no one to take care of me. When I get emails from old classmates asking me "whats new?" I have nothing to say. Nothing. All I ever talk about is work. It is all I have.

Oh Carol - I can completely understand how you feel. I felt the same way for so long. All my friends were getting married and having kids and all I had was work. I was so down on myself. But know that there are so many things that you can do that don't involve having a significant other or having kids. I joined a run team, got a personal trainer at the gym, and then I started volunteering at centres around my home. I met so many wonderful people, I felt healthy and I was probably at the best physical shape I had ever been. I travelled solo and saw the world. I stayed at hostels and now have friends from all over the world. I got my degree and now have a great career. I got closer with my family and friends. Don't be down....you don't need a significant other to fulfill your life. There is so much that you can do. And I have to agree with PrincessKitty, if you like your work, that's great, a huge positive!

 

[Hixski]

Thanks Hixsi, aclov, and FtWildernessLoopy, for the cruise-related posts!

I guess I think of cruises as being stuck on a boat for 7 days. But after reading these posts, it sounds more like being in a floating hotel--that there are ports most every day where you get off and tour, right?

I am so afraid I would feel "stuck" and bored. I love to eat, drink, and be merry but I am definitely a go-go-go kind of vacationer. I like to have lots of choices of things to do.

Hixsi, those photos are just GORGEOUS. I know part of my anti-cruise feeling is that DH and I spent a long weekend in the Bahamas once and absolutely hated the way we were approached and treated by the people who lived there. We did not like being approached constantly to buy stuff, have our hair braided, etc. Please tell me there are ports in the Caribbean that aren't like that!

You still get people wanting to braid your hair and the like but they are not as aggressive. The sail and snorkel we did on St. Thomas was great. I have some great pictures of sea turtles, fish and a huge stingray but they were from our underwater camera. I still need to scan them into the computer.

I think you would love a cruise once you got on there. It is like a floating hotel. More like a floating resort actually.

Quick story- Me amd mom took a ride to our towns Fall Festival after doing some yardsaling yesterday.

Every year we say we are going and for some reason or another we never make it. So we made time.

I told her while walking half way through REMIND ME! NEXT YEAR! IF I SAY I WANT TO GO TO THIS THING AGAIN....THAT I AM AN IDIOT!

There were screaming kids everywhere!

I heard one kid screaming about a block down- well, the family finally approaches us and the girl is still screaming. I see she is in a stroller- she is about 3 or 4, and her brother keeps bopping her with some stupid "made this @ the Fall Festival" hat! Yes- when they made it up to us- the grandmother FINALLY says- "will you leave her alone!" and the kid stopped- WHY!? did I notice from a block away the kid was screaming but it took the family all that time to say something!

I told mom- "this is an anxiety attack just WAITIN' to happen!" "GET ME THE %$#@ OUTTA HERE!"

We had a wedding to go to last night. The flower girl from our wedding was getting married. I am feeling soooo old. Big Italian family, 11 kids, 10 girls and 1 boy. As you can imagine all those kids have kids and some of them have kids. Big Italian weddings you do not leave the kids at home. We did not have alot of screaming but alot of running full tilt and 10 yr olds crawling on the floor playing some kind of tag. The dance floor was full of dancing, running, pushing and shoving kids. Funny thing is since I grew up with this family I can ignore most of it when I am around them.

The funny thing that happened was this: The oldest girl of this bunch is now about 55 and has 9 kids of her own and 12 grandkids. We said "Hi" and chatted for a few minutes. She said "You never did have kids did you"? I said, "No, we never did". She said "Aren't you glad you never did"? I said "Yes, at this point in my life I am very glad". She said good for you. She said she can't wait to get all the kids out of the house. Her youngest is 16 and she is counting the days. She said she has never figured out why she had so many kids. She said it was just something everyone EXPECTED from her coming from a big family.

So there again we have someone who had 9 kids because everyone EXPECTED it. Funny how some see that too late in life.

 

[kmmccart75]

Im 35. Im single. No kids. I just dont see it ever happening. I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would ever want to marry me. This leaves me with the double whammy of questions of why Im single with no kids at my age. I never really felt the need to have kids. I stupidly started looking around face book for old classmates, and it saddened me to see all my old classmates with spouses, kids, pictures of happy,smiling families. Just reminded me of what I might be missing. Im starting to finally realize, wow, I have no family. If I get seriously ill, there is no one to take care of me. When I get emails from old classmates asking me "whats new?" I have nothing to say. Nothing. All I ever talk about is work. It is all I have.

Carol17 - I am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I didn't think I would get married until I met my husband - so you never know. I believe there is someone out there for everyone who wants to find someone.

I've seen several threads on these boards for singles - maybe you could find some new friends and/or support on those threads? Obviously, you are welcome here! I just thought you might want to check some of those, too. Here's a couple I saw, just on the first page:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1575269
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1044270

 

[luvthemouse71]

Carol17, I have felt like you at times and I'm about your age. I've found the best way to deal with this is to not put your life on hold while you wait for Mr. Right to come into the picture. Do what some of the other posters have suggested-travel, find something that excites you. Also, if you DO want kids, in this day and age, no one says you have to be married. Lots of single women are either having biological children on their own or adopting. I would obviously make sure I had emotional support from other people besides a SO if I went this route(family, friends), and I would make sure I truly wanted a child as opposed to wanting to "keep up" with my former classmates. I wish you the best of luck-please don't be so down on yourself.

 

[Carol17]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I was just having a bad-feeling sorry for myself- kind of day yesterday. I have a job, friends I care about, a roof over my head, and my health...I shouldn't complain. Not to mention, I'm going to WDW in December...things could be worse! LOL









Hey...where is my dancing pumpkin? Hmmm...better try again.