Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[maddhatir]

Kids are a lot of work (at least my two boys are!), so hats off to those who decided being a great 'auntie' or 'uncle' was enough for them.

DH and I chose not have have kids- and now we have 1 niece and 2 nephews. I LOVE buying them things- and my husband does not say a word b/c he told me we make out better spending the money on them instead of having our own kids.....ITS CHEAPER!

 

[plgrn]

DH and I married young (20 and 22) and have been married for four years. We feel as though having a child right now would interfere with major life goals that we are trying to accomplish. I would love to have children one day, but today is NOT THAT DAY.

I am an only child, and DH is the last male in the USA to carry on our really weird last name so we are asked on almost a daily basis when we will have kids. It's gotten so bad, that I started a blog just to record all the comments!

I've tried everything but being downright nasty to people when they ask, but that approach isn't too far around the corner!

 

[Ember]

DH and I married young (20 and 22) and have been married for four years. We feel as though having a child right now would interfere with major life goals that we are trying to accomplish. I would love to have children one day, but today is NOT THAT DAY.

I am an only child, and DH is the last male in the USA to carry on our really weird last name so we are asked on almost a daily basis when we will have kids. It's gotten so bad, that I started a blog just to record all the comments!

I've tried everything but being downright nasty to people when they ask, but that approach isn't too far around the corner!

Put your hand to your forehead dramatically and say, "Alas! My womb is barren!" This is not only entertaining, most people don't have a clue what to say back. (This has become my standard response to the kid questions)

 

[plgrn]

I am so trying that! Of course, now that I have a cool response, no one will ask.

 

[WillCAD]

I am so trying that! Of course, now that I have a cool response, no one will ask.

As the infinitely wise old Mr. Miagi once said to Daniel-san:

Either way, problem solved.

 

[kkevcamsmom]

Personally I think it's rude for people to pry into others lives like that. Yes I have kids, 3, they are fun and wonderful and drive me up the wall...lol On the flip side I am asked "Why so many?" Umm I am from a family of 6 kids...

My sister and her DH decided not to have kids, she had some issues with her cycles and it was just too much work. They get asked constantly why they don't want any. My sister finally started asking "Why do you care?"
My DBIL comes back with "We are still enjoying the practice stage."

Don't let other people decided your future, you know best what makes you happy. I have known since I was 12 that I wanted kids, just as my sister knew at the same age that she never wanted kids.

Lori

 

[plgrn]

I've thought of giving a blank stare and asking, "How do you make a baby? We haven't figured that out yet."

Kudos to you for your view. DH's sisters have TONS of children (i often refer to them as "breeders" lol) and they are constantly being frowned on for having more children and asked "when they are going to stop."

I am annoyed by their choice, but would never say anything to them about it b/c IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. It's a free country, not communist China. Mind you, if they ever ask "when are you going to get pregnant", I would have to retaliate with "when are you going to stop!!"

 

[cosmo531]

. It's gotten so bad, that I started a blog just to record all the comments!

I've tried everything but being downright nasty to people when they ask, but that approach isn't too far around the corner!

my wife and i deal with this every day! would love to read your blog!

 

[plgrn]

my wife and i deal with this every day! would love to read your blog!

Jenn's "no we are not pregnant so get over it journal"

People in general have been gracious enough to cut us some slack over the past 3 years for not having children. Apparently 4 years is their absolute limit for tolerating our decision not to be "breeders"for a few more years.This used to iritate me, but now I find it amusing. So amusing, that I plan to use this blog to keep record of all the subtle and not so subtle family planning comments we get on an almost daily basis. Let's get started.

4-20-06 "When are ya'll going to start trying?"

4-26-06 "You know ya'll really aren't natural. The natural course of things is to have babies after gettting married. It's what most people do."

4-27-06 "If you don't start having kids, there's not going to be anyone to take care of you when you are old."

4-29-06 "It's been 4 years already? Wow, when are you going to start having kids?"

5-2-06 "Since you're not going to give us any grandkids, I'm might as well spoil someone!" (in reference to a 4 year-old family member).

5-10-06 "You have to have kids if you are going to be happy!" - from my 4 year-old cousin LOL

5-12-06 "No little ones for you yet??!!"

5-14-06 "Happy Mother's Day. Will that be true for you anytime soon?"

5-21-06 "Just picked this up at a yard sale for you" -- a baby name book!

5-31-06 "Oh that looks soooo natural!" (while I was holding a friend's baby)

6-6-06 "I might as well [do what I'm going to do]. It's not like you're going to give me any grandkids!


Please leave me a comment with creative ways to inform people of our child-free choice. So far I've come up with, "I was bathed in acid raid as a toddler, so I'm sterile." That's my only really good one. The goal is to have a snappy fresh retort for every nosy person who graces us with their opinion.


BTW, I do plan to have children (whether biological or adopted we haven't decided yet) so don't think I'm a bitter cranky feminist please. I just think it's crazy that people start thinking something is wrong with you if you haven't had a child within the first three years of a marriage.

 

[i_hrt_mickey]

DH and I will be celebrating our 20th annversary this year, and I still hear how come you never had children. My reply use to be we will have children when the stork flies over our house, now it is we never had children b/c the storke never flew over our house.....
I beleive that the world revolves around me and I am shelfish. I like to sleep when I want to and I when I want to go somewhere I want to just grab my purse and keys and go.... Not move my whole house to visit someone for 2 hours....
However , I have a 10 yr old niece how beleives we belong to her and we are happy spoiling her. If we had children we could not afford to spoil her...

 

[Alex2kMommy]

Jenn's "no we are not pregnant so get over it journal"

Jenn, these are a hoot! We married when I was nearing 30, so the first comment I got was actually on my wedding day; I said, "Could we please just get through today first?" Sheesh. After 2.5 years of marriage we began trying, then endured years of infertility treatments and even more rude comments, from those who had no idea we were trying, and from those who did: "Are you sure you're doing it right?!" (Joking, of course, but painful nonetheless.)

I never did have a snappy comeback, but at your age I was interested in establishing a career, and later a solid foundation in my marriage before even thinking of children. Even if you aren't working your way up the ladder in some fabulous career, I think the 20s should be a time of self discovery, enjoying personal interests, being a couple, and doing all those things (traveling!) that we tend to push aside once kids come along and finances and free time get tighter.

Tell people you have a few personal goals you'd like to achieve before you begin your family, because once you have children, you don't want to regret never having the chance. And mean it. I would think anyone who had children would understand. Good luck!

PS. Just re-read your post that you have goals you want to accomplish...yadda yadda. So I guess my idea won't help you after all. Hang in there, girl. I think you're both brilliant for waiting!

 

[Goobergal99]

We have a similar problem. We chose to only have one child (well in all honesty DD was not actually planned as I was a senior in highschool when she came into my life) However, as DH and I have grown up and matured we have decided that we are very content with our one child life. PPL constantly ask when we are going to have another one and my response is always the same " We are totally content with one child and besides less mouths to feed means more Disney trips "

No but seriously, It is no one's business, I have taken my moms advice and started telling ppl that we have really been trying but it just isn't happening for us. You should see the look on some ppl's faces, classic guilt
I am sorry but I want my DD all to myself just like I had my mom all to myself (yep I am a spoiled rotten only child/ italian ) and eventually when all my friends are just starting to have their kids, I will be all finished earning my degrees and my DD will be all grown up and DH and I are gonna travel....... to Disney three times a year instead of once

 

[kennancat]

I wonder why some people get comments about it and some don't. DH and have been married just over 4 years (we're both 31), and we'll get the occasional "are you thinking of having kids soon", but nobody really pushes us on it and I've certainly never gotten any nasty comments about it. It's funny - I think I've became a bit overly sensitive about being asked because I hear what other people get put through, even though it's never happened to me personally. I do wonder if we'll get more pressure as we get closer to our mid- to late-thirties.

 

[Ember]

My second standard responce (for the nastier comments) is: "there are much better ways to contribute to humanity then simply by adding to it."

Interesting research has been done in the area of happiness that shows that a couple is happiest when they first marry. Happiness then drops when children are born. Happiness does not come back up to the previous high level until the children have moved out. (**If anyone needs I can find all the citations to this, I just couldn't be bothered at the moment.) Interesting, no?

 

[plgrn]

We are totally content with one child and besides less mouths to feed means more Disney trips

Yes! Good point.

 

[plgrn]

Even if you aren't working your way up the ladder in some fabulous career, I think the 20s should be a time of self discovery, enjoying personal interests, being a couple, and doing all those things (traveling!) that we tend to push aside once kids come along and finances and free time get tighter.

Tell people you have a few personal goals you'd like to achieve before you begin your family, because once you have children, you don't want to regret never having the chance. And mean it. I would think anyone who had children would understand. Good luck!

Thank you for the beautiful words of encouragement! There are days when I really want kids, but I know that there are things to accomplish in my 20's. And has anybody noticed that people are having kids just because it is the trendy thing to do?? Take almost all of Hollywood for example. You'd think a baby was the latest accessory like a hand bag or something! It seems regular Americans outside of Hollywood are following the trend also.

 

[plgrn]

So who has furbabies that they treat like children? Come on. 'fess up!

I have 3 cats and a dog who I have spoiled ROTTEN.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

My second standard responce (for the nastier comments) is: "there are much better ways to contribute to humanity then simply by adding to it."

Interesting research has been done in the area of happiness that shows that a couple is happiest when they first marry. Happiness then drops when children are born. Happiness does not come back up to the previous high level until the children have moved out. (**If anyone needs I can find all the citations to this, I just couldn't be bothered at the moment.) Interesting, no?

I loved this whole post. Your reply about contributing to humanity rather than adding to it is wonderful, and so true!

And I've heard about marital happiness levels dropping during the childrearing years. Again, anyone who already has children should know exactly why - It is so hard! In my opinion, it is the toughest (yet also the most rewarding) job in the world, even for those who go in with their eyes wide open.

I, too, shudder at the babies who seem to be 'accessories' to their parents, and the parents' cavalier treatment of their child's physical or mental well-being. Driving a convertible with an infant in your lap? Getting pregnant to 'save' your failing relationship? Not realizing that a child will change your relationship with the guy who wants sex 8 times a day? Thank goodness most people have more sense than this!

 

[SusanWasHere]

So who has furbabies that they treat like children? Come on. 'fess up!

I have 3 cats and a dog who I have spoiled ROTTEN.

i have 3 angels i love more than life itself! see below i am 35, single, never married, no kids. i had 2 live-in boyfriends in my life and wow - that was plenty!! like the old adage goes - you don't know someone until you live with them! so now when people say "are you married yet?", my response is "why, do i look miserable?". it is so funny to see their reactions! and i'm a spec ed teacher, with kids all day long, i don't want one at home. i like to visit elephants at the zoo, but don't want one in my living room! when people get really rude about how i should have kids and how i am basically i am not a complete human/woman/person until i give birth, i tell them i had my uterus removed as a child bc of an bicycle accident. their mouths hit the floor. lol!! they should mind their business!! i am so happy this thread was started and to see so many women in the same boat as me, it feels so good to see it. i own my own home, car, no more student loans, no credit debt, dvc owner, all on my own. i'm a great aunt, a great teacher, and a great cat owner. that should count for something. why do people think that bc without a husband or a kid i don't count as much????

 

[susancl]

I haven't read all the threads, so please forgive me if I restate something already said.

This is a free country. If you don't want to have children, you don't have to.

When people ask when you are having kids, they don't ask to put the pressure on or to be mean. They ask because they want to hear your good news and share your life (in conversation). It's natural to think that a married couple would want children.