Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[mousiemom]

I really enjoyed your story! Well, I try hard in my life not to judge people and to be very open because you never know what will come your way. My DH and I have been married for 6 years now, and we have the sweetest 5yr. old little girl. We went back and forth on if we wanted another child but we have so much fun with her and don't have the desire to have another one. Today, with my generation(36) we all work!! Like my mama, she didn't have to work and raised 4 kids. It takes more money for everything. So, we are happy with just one. Anyways, I couldn't stand to have to wait 2 years to go to Disney World!!Hee! Hee!

 

[salmoneous]

My question is this: How do you feel watching your friends get pregnant, have babies and get involved in all of the parenting activities?

Speaking more from DW's standpoint than my own (it's really her vote), when you see your friends who just had babies you fall into one camp:

1) Oh, it's sooo cute I want one, or
2) Um, yeah, that's a baby isn't it

If you fall into camp #2, you start to think about morning sickness, back aches, labor pains, diapers, child care problems, dealing with schools and teachers, teenage years, college costs and adult children who won't leave home. And you just don't feel bad about your choice

Of course, if you fall into camp #1, then the joy of parenthood can be so great that all that other stuff doesn't matter.

Now my mom has told the story over (and over and over) about how she never liked children until she had one, and that attitudes change when they are *your* kids. Of course, DM also said DW's attitude would change as she got older and that sure didn't happen.

Having kids is a serious commitment; we couldn't take the responsibility unless we knew we had a burning desire. Having one on the chance we might change our minds after the kid showed up just didn't seem to be the thing to do.

Nobody should feel guilty about their choices.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

How do you feel watching your friends get pregnant, have babies and get involved in all of the parenting activities?

Truthfully, I am thrilled it is not us.

 

[WillCAD]

Speaking more from DW's standpoint than my own (it's really her vote), when you see your friends who just had babies you fall into one camp:

1) Oh, it's sooo cute I want one, or
2) Um, yeah, that's a baby isn't it

If you fall into camp #2, you start to think about morning sickness, back aches, labor pains, diapers, child care problems, dealing with schools and teachers, teenage years, college costs and adult children who won't leave home. And you just don't feel bad about your choice

Of course, if you fall into camp #1, then the joy of parenthood can be so great that all that other stuff doesn't matter.

Now my mom has told the story over (and over and over) about how she never liked children until she had one, and that attitudes change when they are *your* kids. Of course, DM also said DW's attitude would change as she got older and that sure didn't happen.

Having kids is a serious commitment; we couldn't take the responsibility unless we knew we had a burning desire. Having one on the chance we might change our minds after the kid showed up just didn't seem to be the thing to do.

Nobody should feel guilty about their choices.

There's also camp #3, which is me:

3) Oh, it's so cute, but I don't want one of my own.

I've been brother, cousin, and uncle to kids my whole life; I'm the oldest grandchild on both sides and have about 40 cousins ranging in age from 36 down to 4. I also have a neice and nephew, 6 and 11. I've never been starved for kid-attention, but as Uncle Will, I get teh best of both worlds - I can play with the kids, teach them stuff like reading and using computers and riding bikes, and still send them back to their parents when I get tired.

When I hear that another family member or friend is having a kid, I am happy for them, but it just doesn't make me want to have one of my own any more than seeing a kid in a cereal commercial on TV does.

 

[CJK]

Wow, thanks for your responses everyone.

I don't think I belong into any of the categories you mentioned! I can see a baby and think they're cute, but I'm terrifed of actually *having* one of my own. Would I screw him/her up? Would I resent the lack of freedom? Would the child resent me for not being a good parent? etc... The list goes on ranging from selfish reasons to stoic reasons of not wanting to bring a child into this world. I WISH I could just be sure that either A) I DO want a child. and B) I DON'T want a child. I just don't seem to be able to fall into either category but the tick of the click is keeping me up at night! Oh how I wish we could stop the clock for a few years while I sit on this issue (while throwing in a few trips to Disney in the meantime! )

 

[2vets]

I love how this thread continues to resurface.

I have a question to those of you who have decided not to have children. We are in our early 30's and are still on the fence. We came very close to making a decision (to have a child) around Christmas, but have since returned to the fence... My question is this: How do you feel watching your friends get pregnant, have babies and get involved in all of the parenting activities?

I now only have 3 friends without children. Each time I find out about another friend becoming pregnant, my reaction is so incredibly mixed. I'm thrilled for the person (especially if they've suffered through miscarriages but have managed to still have successful pregnancies), but I also find myself feeling terribly sad. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me and feel left out. Will I turn 40 one day and regret not having children? But, I also know that fear of the unknown is NOT a reason TO have a baby. I just feel so sad, as if I'm being left behind while my friends all move forward. A group of friends of ours always get together a couple times a year, and for our next get together, dh and I will be the only ones without a baby, or at least pregnant. It's hard to admit, but I'm dreading going...

Have any of you felt similarly, or are you so content with your decision, that it doesn't even bother you?

You sound like me a little...

I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. I, too, have mixed emotions at times. That's why DH and I revisit the issue on occasion - and I know we'd be fine if we got pregnant, we'd be happy, and we'd change our lives...but the thing is, we have to sit down and ask, "Is this what we really WANT? US, not our parents, not because we want to fit in with the other couples our age we see everywhere, but US?" My answer is no. Maybe that will change - and if it does and we can't conceive, we will adopt - we will simply up and find an unwanted baby, either from here or from another country. There will always be a way to take in an unwanted child. As for regret, my two cents...regret is a useless emotion...you cannot change what has passed, but you can take the experience (or lack of one in this case) and move forward.

I wish you luck and peace in making your decision.

As for us, we are headed to WDW in 7 days (YIPPEEYAHHOOOOO), and I suspect that I will not miss having kids while we're there...we could never keep up our commando pace with a stroller and baby-swapping!!

 

[maddhatir]

Wow, thanks for your responses everyone.

I don't think I belong into any of the categories you mentioned! I can see a baby and think they're cute, but I'm terrifed of actually *having* one of my own. Would I screw him/her up? Would I resent the lack of freedom? Would the child resent me for not being a good parent? etc... The list goes on ranging from selfish reasons to stoic reasons of not wanting to bring a child into this world. I WISH I could just be sure that either A) I DO want a child. and B) I DON'T want a child. I just don't seem to be able to fall into either category but the tick of the click is keeping me up at night! Oh how I wish we could stop the clock for a few years while I sit on this issue (while throwing in a few trips to Disney in the meantime! )

you know, i honestly think- if you are terrified- thats OK- you sound like you might still want kids-- i thinkg EVERYONE who has kids were terrified at one time or another-- even at the thought......but if you are like me---

you just cant stand the thought of having kids! i am not terrified i just HATE the whole idea of having kids-- i dont think it would be fine after i had it---it does not keep me up thinking should i or shouldnt i--- i KNOW-- i DO NOT WANT KIDS-- period!

if anyone actually takes the time to THINK about it.....ponder.....i think you are not one of us who DEFINATELY DO NOT WANT KIDS!

i think you would be just fine having them!

 

[disneyholic family]

not wanting to bring a child into this world.

that's actually a very good reason...
that is a thought that often crosses my mind.....life isn't necessarily easy...in fact, it's often quite the opposite....
even for my kids, who are gifted and were lucky enough to be born into a family that's at least reasonably financially confortable, still life could well be difficult for them....possibly more than difficult....

so i wonder to myself, how kind it was of me to bring my kids into that...
into a life where they may have to struggle and suffer.....(and given the current geopolitical turn of the world - the suffering is probably going to get much worse before it gets better - if it ever does)..

it's funny really, because back in the 60's that was one of the mantras - how we shouldn't bring children into this awful world.....and some of the people i know who don't have kids today are products of the 60's....but in the ensuing years, that point of view seemed to go undercover......but i think it may be coming back again...or at least, i've finally come around to that point of view...

what a cheerul topic for a board that's supposed to be about the happeist place on earth.....

 

[WillCAD]

that's actually a very good reason...
that is a thought that often crosses my mind.....life isn't necessarily easy...in fact, it's often quite the opposite....
even for my kids, who are gifted and were lucky enough to be born into a family that's at least reasonably financially confortable, still life could well be difficult for them....possibly more than difficult....

so i wonder to myself, how kind it was of me to bring my kids into that...
into a life where they may have to struggle and suffer.....(and given the current geopolitical turn of the world - the suffering is probably going to get much worse before it gets better - if it ever does)..

it's funny really, because back in the 60's that was one of the mantras - how we shouldn't bring children into this awful world.....and some of the people i know who don't have kids today are products of the 60's....but in the ensuing years, that point of view seemed to go undercover......but i think it may be coming back again...or at least, i've finally come around to that point of view...

what a cheerul topic for a board that's supposed to be about the happeist place on earth.....

That's a totally bogus reason not to have kids.

Today's world, despite all the sadness and hardship, is the best world in Human history, especially in the developed countries like North America and Europe.

Polio is gone. Smallpox is gone. Diptheria is gone in the developed world. Mumps and measles are considered simple childhood diseases instead of instant death sentences. People are actualy living through cancers and tumors, and look at the state of emergency medicine and surgury - injurries that would have been guaranteed fatal only 40 years ago are routinely fixed today. The average Human life span is up to around 75 years, whereas it was in teh 40s only a few centuries ago.

In countries like the US, people are born with so much to eat that obesity is actually becoming a health problem. Not only do we have plenty, but we have the widest variety of foods ever - beef, chicken, pork, fruits and vegetables of all descriptions, any kind of grain, and the variety of seafood that can be found in any grocery store anywhere in the US is absolutely miraculous. Just 50 years ago, fresh shrimp was considered the height of luxury in landlocked states, and beef was tough to get if you didn't live in the parts of the country where it was raised. Heck, I can get real lobster at my local Chinese buffet for $10!

There are still homeless people, but when is the last time you saw a shanty town? Not in my lifetime.

Wanna travel? Even people in what the US calls the "poverty" level often have cars and can save up enough to take a vacation once a year. Not everyone can afford WDW or Vegas, but a camping trip to the mountains or a few days at the beach are within the grasp of the vast majority of people.

Communications? Entertainment? Education? All have made advances in the last 200 years that would have made Ben Franklin curse the fact that he was born 18th century instead of the 20th.

Yes, there are still bad things in the world - war, poverty, disease, hunger, and worst of all, hatred. But each of these things is smaller and far less pervasive than they have ever been in all of Human existance, and they are only getting smaller. The world will never be perfect, but it is better now that it ever has been, and it's only getting better.

 

[disneyholic family]

That's a totally bogus reason not to have kids.

in your opinion it's a bogus reason...not mine...

life's a ***** and then you die..
and when you have kids you sentence them to the same thing...
i have kids....that's my point of view...
you can't tell me that my point of view is bogus....that's my point of view...you can have a different point of view....we all look at the world through our own filter...

 

[bicker]

I'm not sure about the "bogus-ness" of various reason's presented. However, IMHO, there isn't a compelling reason to HAVE children, that isn't significantly "self-serving" (though NOT "selfish"). In other words, we aren't running out of population; there is no reason to believe that any more children will have a positive impact on society as-a-whole; there is no doubt that if we invest the same amount of societal energy raising a smaller number of children, that the positive impact of that on society will be more than any perceived negative impact of that ON SOCIETY; there is no reason to doubt that all the extraordinary children (in terms of their impact on society) who would be born would be born anyway, even if a smaller number of children are born, since it is almost assured that investing more in each child raises the chances that that child will be extraordinary.

However, as I alluded to, things aren't so critical that the aforementioned self-motivation is specifically causing any significant damage to society. People shouldn't feel that they're wrong to satisfy their own personal desires for children, even though the positive impact of more children, in general, is substantially only on specific individuals, based on their own personal satisfaction.

 

[disneyholic family]

I'm not sure about the "bogus-ness" of various reason's presented. However, IMHO, there isn't a compelling reason to HAVE children, that isn't significantly "self-serving" (though NOT "selfish"). In other words, we aren't running out of population; there is no reason to believe that any more children will have a positive impact on society as-a-whole; there is no doubt that if we invest the same amount of societal energy raising a smaller number of children, that the positive impact of that on society will be more than any perceived negative impact of that ON SOCIETY; there is no reason to doubt that all the extraordinary children (in terms of their impact on society) who would be born would be born anyway, even if a smaller number of children are born, since it is almost assured that investing more in each child raises the chances that that child will be extraordinary.

However, as I alluded to, things aren't so critical that the aforementioned self-motivation is specifically causing any significant damage to society. People shouldn't feel that they're wrong to satisfy their own personal desires for children, even though the positive impact of more children, in general, is substantially only on specific individuals, based on their own personal satisfaction.

i agree with you........(the concept of self-serving)...

what's really weird to me is why people who really hate kids, have them....it's as if the children are just another possession that they must have....along with their porsche or mercedes or whatever.....they have the kids and then pass them along to a nanny to care for and barely interact with their kids except on special command performance occasions....
it's really quite mind-boggling to me why they have them at all.....and boy are those kids screwed up (i grew up with many like that....they never get over it)....

 

[WillCAD]

in your opinion it's a bogus reason...not mine...

life's a ***** and then you die..
and when you have kids you sentence them to the same thing...
i have kids....that's my point of view...
you can't tell me that my point of view is bogus....that's my point of view...you can have a different point of view....we all look at the world through our own filter...

Okay, maybe it's not bogus, but it's certainly a debatable opinion.

You really think that people (or even just you) shouldn't have kids just because life is tough? Life is not so tough that it's not even worth living - that's the arguement of the suicide brigade, and I don't buy it.

Life has always been tough, and always will be. That's kinda the whole point of life - to overcome the challenges, and to make a good life for yourself, and your family. But with the love and support of your family and friends, or even through your own sheer willpower, life can be worth living, despite the hardships.

If the only valid time to have kids is when life ceases to be tough, then there has never been and will never be a valid time to have kids.

When you have kids the only thing you "sentence" them to is LIFE. Whether it's a good life or a bad life is partially up to you, partially up to them, and partially up to random chance. Life will never be all good or all bad - it will always be somewhere in between, and it's up to each of us to push it more toward the good than the bad, for ourselves and for our children.

If your specific situation is so bad, because of poverty or health reasons, then sure, I buy that it would be too tough to have kids. In fact, I think it's responsible and smart not to have kids if you don't have the mental, physical, or financial resources to properly care for them. But that's a changable situation, if you choose to change it, and it's certainly not a universal situation - it doesn't apply to everybody.

Life in general is simply not so tough that it should discourage people from havng kids if they choose to do so.

 

[HappyLawyer]

well first off it is no ones business and you could just tell them that, or you could be nice. Now, having a child or children is a lot of work, it takes up allot of your free time, i was so excited about having another child, but i have found myslef rethinking that lately. Some people choose not to have kids, and that is nice because they can travel and not be tied down. They are free and their extra money is theirs.

 

[littlegreydonkey]

Not been on this forum before but that title just dragged me in - and look, a whole thread full of people like me! I definitely fall into the 'umm, it's a baby' camp - I once described my feelings about kids to someone as 'it's like when someone who doesn't like dogs sees a puppy - they have no desire to scoop it up, get dribbled on by it, or clear up it's mess - and they certainly wouldn't bring one home. It just doesn't enter into their head that it should be part of their life' That's how I feel with babies (but not puppies I hasten to add). But people still say 'oh, you'll change your mind. I don't notice them telling me I'll change my mind about my career, or my hair colour or where I live, but with babies suddenly my brain will do a backflip and I'll get a yen to never sleep again. Hmmm, maybe not.

As for what I think when friends have them - if it's a girl I think 'yipppeee, I can buy cute pink outfits for them'. If it's a boy I think 'oh that's dull, no cute pink outfits.'

 

[maddhatir]

Not been on this forum before but that title just dragged me in - and look, a whole thread full of people like me! I definitely fall into the 'umm, it's a baby' camp - I once described my feelings about kids to someone as 'it's like when someone who doesn't like dogs sees a puppy - they have no desire to scoop it up, get dribbled on by it, or clear up it's mess - and they certainly wouldn't bring one home. It just doesn't enter into their head that it should be part of their life' That's how I feel with babies (but not puppies I hasten to add). But people still say 'oh, you'll change your mind. I don't notice them telling me I'll change my mind about my career, or my hair colour or where I live, but with babies suddenly my brain will do a backflip and I'll get a yen to never sleep again. Hmmm, maybe not.

As for what I think when friends have them - if it's a girl I think 'yipppeee, I can buy cute pink outfits for them'. If it's a boy I think 'oh that's dull, no cute pink outfits.'

i would prefer a houseful of animals over a child anyday of the week--

not that i can have animals though-- i am allergic and have asthma-- HEY i wonder if we can start using THAT as an excuse for no kids!!!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Wow, thanks for your responses everyone.

I don't think I belong into any of the categories you mentioned! I can see a baby and think they're cute, but I'm terrifed of actually *having* one of my own. Would I screw him/her up? Would I resent the lack of freedom? Would the child resent me for not being a good parent? etc... The list goes on ranging from selfish reasons to stoic reasons of not wanting to bring a child into this world. I WISH I could just be sure that either A) I DO want a child. and B) I DON'T want a child. I just don't seem to be able to fall into either category but the tick of the click is keeping me up at night! Oh how I wish we could stop the clock for a few years while I sit on this issue (while throwing in a few trips to Disney in the meantime! )

I'm in this camp, too! I *love* babies and kids- I'm a teacher, but I think that once they got older, I wouldn't be able to handle the things kids do and get into these days. I think I would just freak out or be too strict or just lose it. I'm also worried about losing my freedom, but I'm still on the fence with you!

 

[HockeyGoddess]

i don't think it should be soo difficult of a decision, if you want them more than anything...have kids, if you're not sure...wait, if you've never had the urge or in my case never looked into my future and saw myself having children...don't have kids - they're too precious to waste on parents who wouldn't love them more than they love themselves.

of course my mother told me once "your father never really liked children or animals until we had you...a child who loved all animals". he passed away in 1981, he was my father and my best friend. so the debate continues.

 

[disneyholic family]

of course my mother told me once "your father never really liked children or animals until we had you...a child who loved all animals". he passed away in 1981, he was my father and my best friend. so the debate continues.

i'm like that....i hate kids...truly....other people's kids that is....but i adore my own....
i was always planning on being a super career person, with nanny's to take care of the kids......and indeed i was a very successful workaholic 'career person' right through to when i went into labor......
i had always thought that i would drop the baby at home on the way from the hospital back to work.....until my daughter was born....then all bets were off....i didn't go back to work for 10 years (my son was born 2 years after my daughter).....
those 10 years 'working' as mom, was the best job i ever had.....i am again a highly successful workaholic but none of it holds a candle to being mom....
but i still hate all kids.....with a passion.......other than my own.....

 

[taswira]

I'm not sure about the "bogus-ness" of various reason's presented. However, IMHO, there isn't a compelling reason to HAVE children, that isn't significantly "self-serving" (though NOT "selfish"). In other words, we aren't running out of population; there is no reason to believe that any more children will have a positive impact on society as-a-whole; there is no doubt that if we invest the same amount of societal energy raising a smaller number of children, that the positive impact of that on society will be more than any perceived negative impact of that ON SOCIETY; there is no reason to doubt that all the extraordinary children (in terms of their impact on society) who would be born would be born anyway, even if a smaller number of children are born, since it is almost assured that investing more in each child raises the chances that that child will be extraordinary.

Great minds think alike - LOL.

That was the reason I never had any doubts that I personally did not want to have children of my own. I have never regretted that decision.