Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[WDWguru]

An NK convention?! Details, please! We don't have a chapter in our area -- shocking, I know, but there ARE some of us out here in Utah.

 

[mamaprincess]

This is a very interesting thread. It is so rare for women not to feel pressured to have children. So many women certainly don't need them. It's refreshing to know that there are women who understand who they are and what is best for them as opposed to what looks right to everyone else.

My first pregnancy was twins. My second, was a total surprise as we had taken measures to avoid pregnancy. We will not be having anymore because we are in love with eachother. We still want to date and absorb ourselves in eachother and the more children, the harder that is to do.

We enjoy our girls, we adore them, we feel more blessed because of them but having them is not all roses all the time. It's worrying more than you ever have, less money for pleasures , less sleep, less time for your own interest and eachother. It's a supreme sacrifice that should only be undertaken by a woman who is truly ready and willing to take the full spectrum of motherhood on not by someone who is delusional.

I think those who decide not to parent have a deep respect for what that role truly is.

 

[wdwjunkie2005]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

I have not read this thread, except for the original post. I want to say CONGRATULATIONS for making up your mind and sticking to it. Who cares what others say? I know many people who've been married for years and have never had kids, and they don't regret their decision. Children need parent(s) who love and want them, not people who think they've got a quota to fill. Again, good for you!

 

[Kris & Steve]

Just thought I would put my 2 cents in here.

We are also in the minority, married & do not want kids...ever. They aren't for me, I've never had the desire to be a Mom. The thought of me being a mother makes my stomach hurt & that's not an exageration. I like the nice life I have & kids will only disrupt it. Is that selfish...sure, most definately but that's the way it goes. We would never be able to have the nice life we have made for ourselves if we had children. For as long as I can remember I have not wanted children. I never babysat when I was younger, I never had cute names picked out, I never played "baby" when I was little. Obviously the desire wasn't there many years ago either. The only difference between us & a lot of posts on this board is that I do not even like kids, I mearly tolerate the ones I have too. My sister is a pre-school teacher so obviusly she got all the "kid wanting" genes in family.

My biggest pet peeve with talking to people who ask why we don't have kids, etc. is, I get told the same thing over & over again. I call it the infamous quote...you know how it goes..."You'll change you mind when you get older". I'm 25, I'm not chaging my mind anytime soon. I'm pretty sure my mind is 100% made up. That PISSES me off to no end when people say that to me. And half the time it's people who don't even really know me, co-workers, neighbors, etc. If anyone gives me a hard time about it I usually ramble off my list of pets (2 dogs, 7 cats, 2 parrots, 4 gerbils, a hermit crab & fish...lol) at home, I say those are my kids & it's true. I treat them the same way that people treat their kids, sometimes even better.

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Just a thought I had- married couples get the "why don't you want kids??" question, but if a homosexual couple *does* want kids they get the "why *do* you want kids?" question.
The issues are somewhat related. Those who desperately want kids shouldn't be denied the opportunity and those who don't want them shouldn't be pressured. People shouldn't have kids just because it's the "next step" but because they really want them and are prepared for all the consequences both positive and negative. Waaaay too many neglected and unwanted children out there. It's not good any way you look at it.
I was just thinking about a friend of mine- both he and his partner would love to adopt a child, but they live in the South and have been shamed strongly the few times they've mentioned it. They would be excellent parents, too.
Just another spin on our topic . . .

 

[nono]

I loved being child-free. Did so for a LONG time. For me, what I finally realized is that I don't want to birth children...so we adopted. It is a BIG change, and if you don't want children 110%, don't do it. Those people who try to pressure you will not be there at 1 a.m. when you are alone with a screaming child who can't go to sleep. You will be...and it isn't fun! Most of my friends are child-free, and we're all in our waning years of possibility, and it works great for them. I don't ask them to live my life and we still have great friendships, as we value each others's choices and all still socialize regularly.

I still get asked if I'm "trying" all the time from non-friends...I guess to some people, children aren't really "yours" unless they are bio. I feel bad for them for being so narrow-minded. They're probably the same folks asking you guys about being child-free. I always respond, "Are you asking me if I have s*x with my husband?" That generally redirects the conversation!

 

[Arielle22]

DH and I were married 8 years before we decided to have our first dd. 2 years later we had our second and now we are done.

My younger sister is 38 and has been married 6 years. She doesn't want children. I think it is the right choice for her. Oddly people will ask me why she doesn't have children. My response is that "She is devoted to her cats. She would step over a bleeding child to help a sick cat". That is the truth and it shuts the person up!

 

[PrincessKitty]

My biggest pet peeve with talking to people who ask why we don't have kids, etc. is, I get told the same thing over & over again. I call it the infamous quote...you know how it goes..."You'll change you mind when you get older".

I always knew I didn't want kids, from the time I was about 5 years old. I always got the "You'll change your mind" thing too. Guess what, I'm 49 years old and I still haven't changed my mind! But, I still know I could adopt or have foster kids if I wanted to. There are thousands of kids who want homes (probably the children of people who had kids as the default ).

 

[WDWguru]

I once heard a great response to the "you'll change your mind when you get older" statement. When that was unloaded, the person said back
"So how many kids do you have?"
"Two."
"Don't worry, you'll change your mind when you get older."

Shut the person right up! I always have to wonder where that comes from, but even medical professionals do it. If you went to an OB/GYN at 25 and were pregnant, none of them would blink an eye or even suggest maybe you shouldn't be doing that, but go in at 25 and ask for a tubal and you're going to get the third degree and, depending on the doctor, an outright refusal. Having a child is just as - if not more - permanent as getting a tubal, AND it directly affects at least one other living being. So why the double standard?

 

[wdwjunkie2005]

Just a thought I had- married couples get the "why don't you want kids??" question, but if a homosexual couple *does* want kids they get the "why *do* you want kids?" question.
The issues are somewhat related. Those who desperately want kids shouldn't be denied the opportunity and those who don't want them shouldn't be pressured. People shouldn't have kids just because it's the "next step" but because they really want them and are prepared for all the consequences both positive and negative. Waaaay too many neglected and unwanted children out there. It's not good any way you look at it.
I was just thinking about a friend of mine- both he and his partner would love to adopt a child, but they live in the South and have been shamed strongly the few times they've mentioned it. They would be excellent parents, too.
Just another spin on our topic . . .

My DW and I (I am also a woman) tell people we would like to have kids, and people are genuinely surprised that we do. They seem to think it's not possible. Also, many people believe that the only reason to get married is to have children, but what about octogenarians who marry? Are they going to be giving birth anytime soon?

 

[Kris & Steve]

I'm deleting my response as I don't want to cause issues on the board...even though they are just opinions. I realize now I should have never strayed from the topic of these boards which is WDW.

 

[luckey-lasvegas]

Even if you did have a child people would still continue to ask questions. My Dh and I decided before we got married that "if" we had children that we would only have one. We felt we would rather be able to give one evreything we could than to scimp and spread the wealth around so to speak. Well our DD will be 9 in December DH and I have been married for 14 1/2 years I'm 40 and he's 51 and STILL people ask aren't you going to have another ? Then they try to guilt you into it by telling us how lonely she'll be when were gone.
I always answer after you .......

 

[Magalex]

It doesn't stop at one child like someone else said. Our 5 yr old DS is a happy social child. We get the poor only one child theory sometimes. But we all those factors of life mentioned(finance, futures, health). We are very happy with our DS. He is our world. Now we get why don't you get a dog? Children you can potty train.

 

[SheDaisy0088]

My best friend and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum. She is 45 and has never wanted children. I respect her wishes and we even have a good laugh about it.

I on the other hand have a wonderful DS8. I never thought I wanted children. Wasn't trying and was terrified when I realized I was pregnant. SO many thoughts went thru my mind. In the end, it was worth it when I held him for the first time. That being said it is a ton of work. I applaude all of you who know that you do not want children!! I work as a paralegal in Family Law and have seen first hand the effects of children being born into familes that would have been better off not having children. I think that deciding not to have children is probably the most selfless thing you can do. You realize that it isn't for you and if other's can't accept that then that is too bad for them. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

I also get tired of people asking when am I going to have a brother or sister for my son. I tell them that I am not planning on it and that DH got "fixed"!! That shuts them up then...LOL!!

Just my .02 cents for what it's worth.

 

[TDC Nala]

I ducked out of this thread because it was meant for married persons to answer and I'm not. I should have stayed out of it to start with.

But, good grief, would people really step over an injured child to help a cat? Wow.

I'll go back into my hole under the rock now.

 

[Limmer]

I have to agree with the general consensus that people are just rude in general. I was very pregnant (just about to pop) when I had a customer at work ask me
1)if I was pregnant - what if I wasn't? and
2)if it was planned.
Though every part of me was screaming for me to answer "planned? are you kidding lady; I don't even know who the father IS!" I was at work so I said "yes" very shortly and walked away. Luckily I have a great boss who told her she was very rude and she walked away in a huff because WE insulted HER!

 

[JDarling]

I still get asked if I'm "trying" all the time from non-friends...I guess to some people, children aren't really "yours" unless they are bio. I feel bad for them for being so narrow-minded. They're probably the same folks asking you guys about being child-free. I always respond, "Are you asking me if I have s*x with my husband?" That generally redirects the conversation!

From an adopted kid - THANK YOU! My parents couldn't have kids, so they adopted my brother and I. We're closer than many of the blood related families I know, believe it or not.

As for me and my DH, we're batting around the kid idea. Some days I think " Yeah, I could do that" and other days I feel "Gah! I'm so glad I don't have kids!" I feel like if my heart is not in it 110%, then it wouldn't be fair to go for it. I'm 25 and my DH is 29, and he's feeling the itch a bit, but I was very clear when I married him that I married him to be his wife - to be with him. Not to have kids. And he's cool with whatever we end up doing.

Right now - the furkids are all I can handle (2 cats and a boxer dog).

 

[Kris & Steve]

I'm deleting my response as I don't want to cause issues on the board...even though they are just opinions. I realize now I should have never strayed from the topic of these boards which is WDW.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I ducked out of this thread because it was meant for married persons to answer and I'm not. I should have stayed out of it to start with.

But, good grief, would people really step over an injured child to help a cat? Wow.

I'll go back into my hole under the rock now.

Me too. I am leaving now also. Compasion is for all living souls, I amsume children would be included in that.

 

[Kris & Steve]

I'm deleting my response as I don't want to cause issues on the board...even though they are just opinions. I realize now I should have never strayed from the topic of these boards which is WDW.