Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[jojoandhb]

I saw this topic and found it interesting. I used to be one of those people who didn't want to have kids. When I was getting my first college degree, my fellow classmates would get really mad at me and say I was selfish because I wanted a career and to travel without worrying about children. I also just didn't like kids. I thought they were loud, messy, and just bratty. I worked for a while as a photographer, and I often took pictures of children. That made me hate parents and not want to be one. Well, 2 weeks after graduation, I found out I was pregnant, and I was on birth control. I thought about abortion, but I couldn't go through with it, so I had the baby. Turns out I ended up with the best baby in the whole world. I wouldn't trade her for anything. I think it's one of those things you have to experience to understand. I'm a bit unconventional as a mother mostly because I didn't have one of my own so I'm not sure what I should be doing. I just wing it and play a lot of dress up and go to the zoo and read books a lot. I just try to picture what I would want if I were a kid again. I don't have any friends with kids, so I don't know anyone who lost their identity when they had kids, but I would think there was something wrong with people like that BEFORE they became a parent. I just wanted to say that I was one of you until I had my daughter. I have a different perspective now, although you couldn't pay me to have another child! One is more than enough.

 

[Muushka]

I saw this topic and found it interesting. I used to be one of those people who didn't want to have kids. When I was getting my first college degree, my fellow classmates would get really mad at me and say I was selfish because I wanted a career and to travel without worrying about children. I also just didn't like kids. I thought they were loud, messy, and just bratty. I worked for a while as a photographer, and I often took pictures of children. That made me hate parents and not want to be one. Well, 2 weeks after graduation, I found out I was pregnant, and I was on birth control. I thought about abortion, but I couldn't go through with it, so I had the baby. Turns out I ended up with the best baby in the whole world. I wouldn't trade her for anything. I think it's one of those things you have to experience to understand. I'm a bit unconventional as a mother mostly because I didn't have one of my own so I'm not sure what I should be doing. I just wing it and play a lot of dress up and go to the zoo and read books a lot. I just try to picture what I would want if I were a kid again. I don't have any friends with kids, so I don't know anyone who lost their identity when they had kids, but I would think there was something wrong with people like that BEFORE they became a parent. I just wanted to say that I was one of you until I had my daughter. I have a different perspective now, although you couldn't pay me to have another child! One is more than enough.

Thanks, jojoandhb, for sharing. Had I gotten pregnant at any point, our lives would have been identical. I would not have had an abortion. I would have loved that child. And like you, having not had a mother of my own, I also would have winged it. I am so glad that everything worked out for you and I'll bet you are a great mom.

 

[freemore]

When I was in my child bearing years I didn't really think I needed children but mostly it was my husband who said he didn't really want any children. When we turned 40, he decided he didn't really need me either and he married a younger woman and had a child with her. By the time I was in my 40s I had done pretty much everything I wanted to do in my life, I had traveled, found out who I was, got my degree, had my career, was married for 20 years but I still didn't really feel a need for children. But now I am 66 and both of my parents have passed away. Let me tell you when you lose both of your parents, you will wish that you had children and grandchildren. What I have learned in my 66 years is that my family was the most important thing in my life, I just didn't know it at the time. It took me a long time to realize how important family is. You will change as you grow older, what is most important to you now most likely won't be what is most important to you 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, or 70 years from now. So enjoy your life now and what is important to you now, but keep in mind that you will change as you get older, and what you want out of life will change as you get older, but more importantly keep in mind that you can't go back and change it.

 

[maidenfairy]

I have friends who are married and have decided not to have children. I think its great for them. Being a breeder myself i can say I am sometimes jealous of their freedom. Maybe that is where all the negative comments are coming from, jealousy.

Tonya

 

[kennancat]

When we turned 40, he decided he didn't really need me either and he married a younger woman and had a child with her.

Growing up, my parents knew a couple who went through a very similar experience. My question would be even if you had the power to change this part of your life, would you really have wanted to have kids with your ex-DH? He sounds like a jerk.

Let me tell you when you lose both of your parents, you will wish that you had children and grandchildren. What I have learned in my 66 years is that my family was the most important thing in my life, I just didn't know it at the time. It took me a long time to realize how important family is.

I agree that family is very important. However, it's no guarantee that you won't be alone in your old age. My grandmother has outlived 2 of her 3 children. She and my mother (the surviving child) are not close, nor is she particularly close to any of her grandchildren. I don't know if she's lonely or not, but it definitely shows me that you can't count on other people to complete your life and provide you with happiness.

So enjoy your life now and what is important to you now, but keep in mind that you will change as you get older, and what you want out of life will change as you get older, but more importantly keep in mind that you can't go back and change it.

Certainly - this is true in all decisions, not just about having children. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. You make the best decision you can based on the information you have at the time and hope it was the right one. As many have said here, we'd "rather regret not having children than regret having them." Bottom line for me - I'm still on the fence about the whole thing and I am afraid of ending up alone. Nonetheless, I do not want to make the choice to have children out of fear. If DH and I do decide we want them, it will be a decision based on love, not fear.

 

[Muushka]

When I was in my child bearing years I didn't really think I needed children but mostly it was my husband who said he didn't really want any children. When we turned 40, he decided he didn't really need me either and he married a younger woman and had a child with her. By the time I was in my 40s I had done pretty much everything I wanted to do in my life, I had traveled, found out who I was, got my degree, had my career, was married for 20 years but I still didn't really feel a need for children. But now I am 66 and both of my parents have passed away. Let me tell you when you lose both of your parents, you will wish that you had children and grandchildren. What I have learned in my 66 years is that my family was the most important thing in my life, I just didn't know it at the time. It took me a long time to realize how important family is. You will change as you grow older, what is most important to you now most likely won't be what is most important to you 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, or 70 years from now. So enjoy your life now and what is important to you now, but keep in mind that you will change as you get older, and what you want out of life will change as you get older, but more importantly keep in mind that you can't go back and change it.

Your post got me to thinking. I think your statement

When I was young I thought I didn't need children.

is what got me going. Need children or want children. I wonder why people have them, because they need them or want them? And which, if any, is correct?

Someone very close to me has lost both their parents and just recently gotten divorced from a very long (30+ years) marriage. She has 2 adult children, neither of which can be counted on for anything (and this person needs help). I wonder if she knew when she had them that they would never be there for her? Who is worse off, the single person with children that still has to rely on friends or the single person without children who has to rely on friends?

You are right, we do change as we get older. I hope I never regret my decision not to have children. But at the same time, I think my friend regrets her decision to have them.

Honestly, I do not know the answer to any of these questions. Just pondering......

 

[kennancat]

When I was in my child bearing years I didn't really think I needed children but mostly it was my husband who said he didn't really want any children. When we turned 40, he decided he didn't really need me either and he married a younger woman and had a child with her. By the time I was in my 40s I had done pretty much everything I wanted to do in my life, I had traveled, found out who I was, got my degree, had my career, was married for 20 years but I still didn't really feel a need for children. But now I am 66 and both of my parents have passed away. Let me tell you when you lose both of your parents, you will wish that you had children and grandchildren. What I have learned in my 66 years is that my family was the most important thing in my life, I just didn't know it at the time. It took me a long time to realize how important family is. You will change as you grow older, what is most important to you now most likely won't be what is most important to you 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, or 70 years from now. So enjoy your life now and what is important to you now, but keep in mind that you will change as you get older, and what you want out of life will change as you get older, but more importantly keep in mind that you can't go back and change it.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! I just did a quick search on freemore's other posts. Sorry to be paranoid, but we get a lot of trolls on this thread. Found these interesting:

From 2/26/2007:

My husband and I are retirement age and I was wondering how many people do you think our age make use of the disboards? I find the disboards so helpful in so many ways. Thanks to all.
Freemore

From 2/4/2007:

My granddaughters, age 12 and 3 are going to Disney on March 1st. (Just found out about this today.) Is lit likely they can still reserve a character breakfast and which ones would you suggest?
Thanks Freemore

I'm really hoping that you have remarried and these are step-grandchildren.

 

[aclov]

I saw this topic and found it interesting. I used to be one of those people who didn't want to have kids. When I was getting my first college degree, my fellow classmates would get really mad at me and say I was selfish because I wanted a career and to travel without worrying about children. I also just didn't like kids. I thought they were loud, messy, and just bratty. I worked for a while as a photographer, and I often took pictures of children. That made me hate parents and not want to be one. Well, 2 weeks after graduation, I found out I was pregnant, and I was on birth control. I thought about abortion, but I couldn't go through with it, so I had the baby. Turns out I ended up with the best baby in the whole world. I wouldn't trade her for anything. I think it's one of those things you have to experience to understand. I'm a bit unconventional as a mother mostly because I didn't have one of my own so I'm not sure what I should be doing. I just wing it and play a lot of dress up and go to the zoo and read books a lot. I just try to picture what I would want if I were a kid again. I don't have any friends with kids, so I don't know anyone who lost their identity when they had kids, but I would think there was something wrong with people like that BEFORE they became a parent. I just wanted to say that I was one of you until I had my daughter. I have a different perspective now, although you couldn't pay me to have another child! One is more than enough.

This happened to my best friend, she got pregnant at age 20 and had her son. She said her son probably saved her from REALLY messing up her life. Her son started living with his dad when he became a teenager but she's very much involved with him. Up until this day, she still does not like children, she says they make her nervous. She rather be around animals since that is her passion.

 

[freemore]

Growing up, my parents knew a couple who went through a very similar experience. My question would be even if you had the power to change this part of your life, would you really have wanted to have kids with your ex-DH? He sounds like a jerk.

I agree that family is very important. However, it's no guarantee that you won't be alone in your old age. My grandmother has outlived 2 of her 3 children. She and my mother (the surviving child) are not close, nor is she particularly close to any of her grandchildren. I don't know if she's lonely or not, but it definitely shows me that you can't count on other people to complete your life and provide you with happiness.

Certainly - this is true in all decisions, not just about having children. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. You make the best decision you can based on the information you have at the time and hope it was the right one. As many have said here, we'd "rather regret not having children than regret having them." Bottom line for me - I'm still on the fence about the whole thing and I am afraid of ending up alone. Nonetheless, I do not want to make the choice to have children out of fear. If DH and I do decide we want them, it will be a decision based on love, not fear.

You sound like a wise person. I guess I left the wrong impression though, I didn't mean that I was afraid of being alone, Actually I have been happily married to my second husband for the last 10 years and I have three wonderful step children and 4 wonderful granddaughters. The point I was really trying to make is after all is said and done, the growing up, the living to be the best you can be, and experiencing the best that life has to offer, family whatever form it takes, to me is the most important thing to cherish.

 

[kennancat]

You sound like a wise person. I guess I left the wrong impression though, I didn't mean that I was afraid of being alone, Actually I have been happily married to my second husband for the last 10 years and I have three wonderful step children and 4 wonderful granddaughters. The point I was really trying to make is after all is said and done, the growing up, the living to be the best you can be, and experiencing the best that life has to offer, family whatever form it takes, to me is the most important thing to cherish.

Thanks for coming back. Sorry about my last set of posts - we get a number of people to this thread who like to tell us how we're selfish idiots So I'm definitely a little sensitive and became suspicious when I saw your other posts. Glad to hear things have worked out for you for what sounds to be the best in the end.

ETA: Just wanted to add that my parents' friends who went through a similar thing - the husband's still not happy. Hmm, you've changed wives and have the same problems? Maybe it's you!

 

[Muushka]

Wow, you guys are great! I am so glad this got straightened out before it got nasty! Good job!

 

[freemore]

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! I just did a quick search on freemore's other posts. Sorry to be paranoid, but we get a lot of trolls on this thread. Found these interesting:

From 2/26/2007:


From 2/4/2007:


I'm really hoping that you have remarried and these are step-grandchildren.

Yup, that's me and my step-granddaughters had a wonderful time at Disney. I don't call them step children or step granddaughters though. They all had a wonderful time at Disney.

 

[shazy03]

Growing up, my parents knew a couple who went through a very similar experience. My question would be even if you had the power to change this part of your life, would you really have wanted to have kids with your ex-DH? He sounds like a jerk.

I agree that family is very important. However, it's no guarantee that you won't be alone in your old age. My grandmother has outlived 2 of her 3 children. She and my mother (the surviving child) are not close, nor is she particularly close to any of her grandchildren. I don't know if she's lonely or not, but it definitely shows me that you can't count on other people to complete your life and provide you with happiness.

Certainly - this is true in all decisions, not just about having children. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. You make the best decision you can based on the information you have at the time and hope it was the right one. As many have said here, we'd "rather regret not having children than regret having them." Bottom line for me - I'm still on the fence about the whole thing and I am afraid of ending up alone. Nonetheless, I do not want to make the choice to have children out of fear. If DH and I do decide we want them, it will be a decision based on love, not fear.

I agree, with my experience in life, my real mother walked out on my father when I was 3yrs old, leaving my father to bring up my sister who was 18months old and myself, this was in the early 1970's. Sadly my father died of a heart attack in 1986 aged 36 years old. I have never seen my real mother. I have made the decison not to have children I am now 36 years old even to the extreme decision of being sterlized last year. I live my life to the full with my husband. You will never know who will be with you to walk your path through life. My adopted mum who took me on from being in care is a manager of a day cenre for elderly people who sees daily the sadness of her elderly clients being left alone in life by their children and famlies who they thought would be them for them now in their later years. Live each day and never have regrets

 

[druidia]

Well, 2 weeks after graduation, I found out I was pregnant, and I was on birth control. I thought about abortion, but I couldn't go through with it, so I had the baby. Turns out I ended up with the best baby in the whole world.

I have always said to my friends that if this happened to me, I would have the child. If, despite my best efforts (and I don't mean 'oops, I must have missed that pill, silly me') we still turned up preggers, I would keep it because someone is trying to tell me something and I need to listen up.

My DH and I have not made a permanent decision on this as of yet. We thought we had, and lately we find ourselves looking over the fence to see if this is something we want to do. We both feel like family is very important to us. I just worry about the absolute permanence of it all. If you have a child, there's no going back. Is it something I can handle? I just don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever be certain, so that keeps me on the CF side.

 

[kennancat]

My DH and I have not made a permanent decision on this as of yet. We thought we had, and lately we find ourselves looking over the fence to see if this is something we want to do. We both feel like family is very important to us. I just worry about the absolute permanence of it all. If you have a child, there's no going back. Is it something I can handle? I just don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever be certain, so that keeps me on the CF side.

I feel pretty much the same as you've described. I don't know that I'll ever feel 100% one way or the other, which is frustrating to me. I like certainty, darnit!

By the way, I was a Seabreeze Point bride too! We did our dessert party at UK, since we didn't have enough guests for the other areas.

 

[dolcezena]

OK, I gotta pipe up - this has been bugging me since last night. I'm not trying to speak for everyone who's posted on this thread, (or even just read it), nor is it an "attack" on anyone who's posted recently. But I really need to get something off my chest.

I know it's wandered severely OT at times, but the point of this thread was for people who have chosen not to have children. The reasons for this are varied & frequently very personal. Maybe there's been unsuccessful pregnancies in the past & they've chosen not to put themselves through the physical, emotional & financial rollercoaster of trying to conceive via medical science. Or they're unwilling/unable to become an adoptive parent. Or they've chosen not to bring a child into the world in the state that's it's currently in. Perhaps they've come from a home life that's made them decide they don't want a child. Or maybe it's just because they have chosen life goals other than forming their own little nuclear family.

Whatever the reasons, I was thrilled to find a "place" where I wasn't going to be judged, or have people tell me what a void was going to be in my life because of mine (& my SO's) decision NOT to have children. In a society that seems to think that there's something "wrong" with people who have chosen not to procreate, it was a relief to know that we weren't the only ones.

I have no intention, or desire to become a parent. I'm 35 now, I had an unplanned pregnancy 10 years ago & chose to place the child for adoption. I would make the same decision again today. Even the birth of my little sister's daughter & her recent 1st birthday has not changed my mind. One of the many reasons I'm with my SO is because he also does not want children - we both knew that going in, & it is a continuing factor in our continued relationship. Deciding when you're young not to have children isn't necessarily a lifelong decision to never have them. People change, times change - but for some people being childless is a choice, not a dream that never became fulfilled, like an ambition to be a ballerina.

There is plenty of support out there for people who want children, but can't have them - there's not much for those of us who don't have kids by choice. I'm truly happy that some people have found happiness by accepting the arrival of a child in their life - there's too many people in this world who have children & don't appreciate them. I like kids, I'm actually very good with them - yet another reason I'm constantly hearing "what do you mean you're not having kids? You're so good with them!" I like hot fudge sundaes too, but I don't want them in my life 24/7!

So, since I've rambled on quite enough, if you'd like to hang out here, need a DW question answered about what to do when the kids are in those babysitting clubs, need some wine advice, or want to torment yourself with the fast-paced, glamorous lifestyle that CF couples have, then welcome & nice to have you here!

(I feel better now, thanks)

 

[kennancat]

I like hot fudge sundaes too, but I don't want them in my life 24/7!

Now that's just crazy talk there.

 

[HockeyKat]

dolcezena, I am 100% with you.

As well-meaning and non-troll-like as some of the posts have been lately, I still am a bit put off by the "you will wind up old and alone" and "you don't understand unless you are a parent" posts. I get plenty of that from the offline people (parents and coworkers) in my life, and this thread is really for those of us that, like dolcezna said, have deliberately CHOSEN a child-free life.

I am 31, married to a man who is 36, and neither of us have ever wanted children. If he decides in his 40s to marry a younger woman to have kids with her (doubtful since his previous marriage ended because SHE wanted kids), well, more power to him but I will be FINE alone. I have built my career and my life to be my own, not around a husband or children. My husband adds much to my life and I am glad I found him and married, but I always considered that a blessing, not a necessity.

Sure, I can occasionally see the appeal to others, and don't begrudge them their kids (unlike DH who hates all kids). I wish I got the same courtesy from others.

Also, while "family" is important to some, to others, family is only a term that means blood relative. I love my parents, and my in-laws, but not everyone is lucky enough to have that.

 

[LoveStitch626]

Also, while "family" is important to some, to others, family is only a term that means blood relative. I love my parents, and my in-laws, but not everyone is lucky enough to have that.

A family is also what you create. While I'm not close to my blood family, I've got a pretty nice family. It's the friends closest to us that we know, without a doubt, are gonna be around come hell or high water. Kids or no kids.

"This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little and broken but still good. Yeah, still good".

Like last night... LOL I love my best friend to death and she's definately Ohana. I was playing my new Cooking Mama game for Wii. We had such a sister moment last night. She kept telling me how I needed to be doing something. Finally I was like "dammit! Don't make me slug you. Let me figure it out on my OWN.. you're makin me nervous with your constant yapping like a freakin chihuahua". LOL She looked at me and kind of made a face so I stuck my tongue out at her. LOL If ya ask me.. THAT'S family right there. Most friends would be like "whatever" and leave.

 

[HockeyKat]

Definitely LoveStitch, I totally agree. In fact, what you posted is what I really meant to say by that, it was just a bit early in the AM for me and it came out wrong!