Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[mking624]

It's not that I care if the thread goes on for the next 20 yrs - I was just responding to Kennancats comment as to why I popped in again....

NEVERMIND - go back to what ever you were discussing....
I didn't realize people w/kids were the enemy here or were unqualified to offer a little advise from their experience, even if it was meant to be supportive.

Like Lulu, I'm missing where your posts are being "supportive"...especially when you've made comments implying we should no longer be responding. No one has called you the enemy, it's how you're responding to us that makes the difference.

My sister-in-law who could not conceive had that attitude too - whenever I finally got pregnant and was over-joyed and would announce it to my family she would run from the room crying and make a big scene, and then it was like we were never allowed to happy anymore about anything because she wasn't happy.

Ah and here you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I said you will never understand what we deal with on a day to day basis...and what I meant when I said you're minimizing our feelings. As someone who has suffered from infertility, a pregnancy announcement (especially from a family member) can be VERY painful. What is joyous to you is painful to someone else...but instead of trying to be sensitive to the situation, you minimized her pain by saying she made a big scene and then refer to it as an attitude? And you wonder why some of us don't think your posts are supportive? Some compassion probably wouldn't hurt....

 

[my4kids]

Like Lulu, I'm missing where your posts are being "supportive"...especially when you've made comments implying we should no longer be responding. No one has called you the enemy, it's how you're responding to us that makes the difference.


Ah and here you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I said you will never understand what we deal with on a day to day basis...and what I meant when I said you're minimizing our feelings. As someone who has suffered from infertility, a pregnancy announcement (especially from a family member) can be VERY painful. What is joyous to you is painful to someone else...but instead of trying to be sensitive to the situation, you minimized her pain by saying she made a big scene and then refer to it as an attitude? And you wonder why some of us don't think your posts are supportive? Some compassion probably wouldn't hurt....

My post where I was "supporting" people who choose to be childless was when I was saying just answer people who ask about it with conviction (so they won't ask again and it was completely and entirely directed at the OP (and about the first 2 pages of posts - from 10 months ago) all people stating they didn't like having to defend their decision. I was not talking about anyone who wants to conceive and can't.

Anyway - about my SIL - I was always supportive of her and (yes I did know exactly what she was going through - had been there for 7 yrs) but in all the time I wanted to conceive I was never anything but happy for anyone who became pregnant - because I truly cared for them and was happy for them. Yes, I wished I was where they were , but I never suffered pain because of their joy and I dislike that character trait in anyone and I am not going to apologize for it. I never have anything but compassion for anyone going through what I did. But when you tell a room of people you love that you are finally expecting, if they love you they will be happy for you and not make it about themselves, and cry, and throw a fit, act like a selfish baby and totally show that they could care less about you, but are only focussed on themselves.

 

[my4kids]

By the way -

i truly came on here tongue in cheek and with a positve attitude at first...sorry if it didn't come acrss that way to you (when you're negative toward something I guess you are just going to see it all as negative. ) Bye.

 

[Devil_Dog99]

De Gustibus non est disputandum

For those of you who forgot your high school Latin, it means no disputing taste (or words to that affect). I have seen it printed other ways before, so save the semantic posts.

What I mean by saying it is no one, and I mean NO ONE, has a right to criticize a childless couple for not having kids nor does anyone have the right to criticize how many kids another couple has. It is none of anyone's GD business. It is a personal (VERY PERSONAL) decision, and one that should be respected by all, regardless of relation to the couple (read: nosy family members). Anyone who pries into the why's and 'you're being selfish' is narrow minded and obviously has nothing else better to do than meddle with other people's lives.

For the record, DW and I do not have kids, we do not wish to have kids, and that is a decision we made. If anyone we know doesn't like it, that is their problem. We love our nephews dearly, we just chose not to have kids. Why? Pardon me, but that is none of your business.

 

[mking624]

My post where I was "supporting" people who choose to be childless was when I was saying just answer people who ask about it with conviction (so they won't ask again and it was completely and entirely directed at the OP (and about the first 2 pages of posts - from 10 months ago) all people stating they didn't like having to defend their decision. I was not talking about anyone who wants to conceive and can't.

But we're here, so we're seeing your posts too. If y ou had takent he time to read through all the responses, you would have seen that. Then maybe you wuoldn't have made a blanket statement.

Anyway - about my SIL - I was always supportive of her and (yes I did know exactly what she was going through - had been there for 7 yrs) but in all the time I wanted to conceive I was never anything but happy for anyone who became pregnant - because I truly cared for them and was happy for them. Yes, I wished I was where they were , but I never suffered pain because of their joy and I dislike that character trait in anyone and I am not going to apologize for it. I never have anything but compassion for anyone going through what I did. But when you tell a room of people you love that you are finally expecting, if they love you they will be happy for you and not make it about themselves, and cry, and throw a fit, act like a selfish baby and totally show that they could care less about you, but are only focussed on themselves.

I deleted my response, because it's not worth it. Tell your SIL if she ever needs support from people who can offer her true compassion, she's welcome to contact me.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I think you will find that most if not all of us who are child-free by choice have put a great deal of thought into our decision. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone HAD to put a great deal of thought into having a baby?

Gonna have to COMPLETELY agree, here.
I had my son at age 32. When I was younger, in my early 20s, I was SURE I did not want kids. I even read books about living childfree, and I liked the lifestyle described by people who had BTDT and were happy without children. Over time, I DID change my mind, which is not to say that everyone will, but some do. I knew I wanted kids before I finally settled down with dh at age 29, but our son made his surprise debut a few years earlier than we had planned.
For myself, I feel that the "I don't want kids" phase was extremely important to me. I will never wonder if I had a baby just by default. I started with a rejection of the idea that I SHOULD have one, and went from there. I also feel that waiting until I was older to start a family was the best decision. I know I would have been a good mother when I was younger, but I am a GREAT mother now, if I do say so myself! The time to just be myself, finish college, attend graduate school, date and marry--and not have to worry about screwing someone else up in the process--was nice. I'm sure plenty of younger women are wonderful mothers, and may have put great thought into the decision to have children while younger. FOR ME, it worked out so much better to wait and learn more about myself and what kind of parent I wanted to be. My son has reaped the benefits.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Guys this thread is 10 months old! Maybe the OP changed her mind and by now has a 1 month old and is mixing a bottle of formula as we speak.

Or maybe she is breastfeeding!

Couldn't resist! If I'm still nursing, everyone else has to deal with my projection!

 

[Hixski]

Or maybe she is breastfeeding!

Couldn't resist! If I'm still nursing, everyone else has to deal with my projection!

The OP responded on the last page. She is as she put it "Still blissfully child free".
Some folks are still in the "You need to have a child at all costs" group. This is not the family boards. Some of us still reading these posts have a tiny chip on our shoulders because of this attitude. Your post we can tell is tongue in cheek.

We need to hear from some more child free DISers. Whether by choice or not. We are all still child free.

 

[momomonster]

hasn't every childless by choice person reponded yet?

Not by a long shot, sister! And our numbers are growing every day.

DH and I married almost nine years ago assuming we'd eventually have children. I guess we just thought it was something everybody did, like taxes and death. Over time, I came to realize it was a *choice* and when I saw how absolutely relieved DH was, well, I knew we could have a wonderful life together without kids. I was right.

We love our freedom (time and money), our furbabies (four spoiled cats), and our quiet, clean home. We have three nieces so far and I'm sure more on the way. Many of our friends have children and we enjoy limited time with them, too.

I don't really get annoyed with people asking about the status of my uterus, but it totally offends me when people 1) assume I'm going to change my mind or 2) insult my decision to be childfree. I told a neighbor we don't want kids and he told me I had *issues*!!! Thanks, buddy!

Anyway, thought I should chime in to show my support. It's wonderful to know there are tons of CF and CL Disney fans, and parents who seem to understand our position (unlike the person I quoted.)

 

[PhotobearSam]

DH and I were soooooo sure we did not want any, he had a vesectomy as my B-Day gift the year I was 29...we were not even married yet...He was 100% sure and so was I...

Now it's 5 years later and we are still BLISSFULY CHILD-FREE...

We love our lifestyle and the most stressful thing we are doing is running a business 12 to 15 hrs a day, 7 days a week from Mid-May to Mid-October...Then we head to Florida for a month or more. There is no way I could have this lifestyle with a kid... We love everything about our life with our 2 ancient cats and the new Kitten...(If a kitten is this much work, I could NEVER deal with having a child )

We have never questioned our decision. Every once in a while when we are asked about it, we say If the urge ever happen, we would adopt...Then we spend 10 minutes with my nieces and we say "NEVER" as they walk out the door.

I love my DH and he is the sweetest man on earth, but I don't want to share him. We are VERY happy, just as we are...DH, Me and the 3 fur-babies...

 

[TinkerbellMama]

The OP responded on the last page. She is as she put it "Still blissfully child free".
Some folks are still in the "You need to have a child at all costs" group. This is not the family boards. Some of us still reading these posts have a tiny chip on our shoulders because of this attitude. Your post we can tell is tongue in cheek.

We need to hear from some more child free DISers. Whether by choice or not. We are all still child free.

Well, having worked in social services, let me assure you I understand ALL TOO WELL the "at all costs" part of your post. I have seen some horrific situations involving children who were unwanted and/or whose parents were in no way capable or deserving to take care of those children. I am certainly NOT saying that anyone here is incapable, should they eventually so choose (or in the case of a couple TTC, be successful!)...my point is rather that there are many more people who SHOULDN'T have children having them than there are people who choose to be childfree. I think those who thoughtfully choose to be childfree have a lot of integrity for doing the right thing FOR THEMSELVES, even though there is a lot of negative social stigma attached. I personally know several childfree-by-choice couples, and they are "good people". One of them recently retired from her job teaching 2nd grade. She loves kids, but either chose not to or was unable to have them. I don't know, BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER ASK HER. It is none of my business, and could be a very hurtful question. I'm sure if she ever wanted to discuss the issue, she would bring it up first...but I will not hold my breath nor will I be bothered if I never find out. It's completely her business (and her husband's), and she is definitely VERY happy without children of her own. Now, are there any kid-loving childfree couples who would like to borrow a little boy for a brief Fantasyland tour in October?

 

[my4kids]

I think it is GREAT you are all childless. It is nice to know that people know themselves that well and stick to what is right for them. Don't get heated when someone questions you about it. EVERYONE gets questioned about SOMETHING they don't like. My neice who just graduated from highschool and doesn't want to go to college (can't find a job either - but that a whole nuther story) gets questioned about if she has changed her mind and deceided to enroll in courses. She hates this so much she avoids family functions and doesn't hang around her high school friends anymore. As soon as someone gives birth to their first child - you start getting questioned if you're ready for a second. When you get preg w/4th everyone asks "are you crazy" When you give birth to your 4th everyone says "You're done now right?" I found all of these questions annoying, OK a couple were offensive to me after the 5000th time I heard them. Anyway - everyone had something they are sick of answering to. Just answer with conviction.

Ok -so you all didn't like when I said I couldn't believe that every childless by choice person hadn't responded yet. but will someone please tell me what was not nice or supportative about the above statement?????????? I just felt like I was immediately jumped on because some were offended by my username. Then someone just made the statement "unlike the person who I qouted" - Did you read my original post?

 

[Hixski]

My post where I was "supporting" people who choose to be childless was when I was saying just answer people who ask about it with conviction (so they won't ask again and it was completely and entirely directed at the OP (and about the first 2 pages of posts - from 10 months ago) all people stating they didn't like having to defend their decision. I was not talking about anyone who wants to conceive and can't.

Anyway - about my SIL - I was always supportive of her and (yes I did know exactly what she was going through - had been there for 7 yrs) but in all the time I wanted to conceive I was never anything but happy for anyone who became pregnant - because I truly cared for them and was happy for them. Yes, I wished I was where they were , but I never suffered pain because of their joy and I dislike that character trait in anyone and I am not going to apologize for it. I never have anything but compassion for anyone going through what I did. But when you tell a room of people you love that you are finally expecting, if they love you they will be happy for you and not make it about themselves, and cry, and throw a fit, act like a selfish baby and totally show that they could care less about you, but are only focussed on themselves.

Just taking a stab in the dark but I would say it was this post that got everyone a tad miffed.

And you must remember that some of the folks on here are childless by choice only after exhausting all the options.

 

[mking624]

Ok -so you all didn't like when I said I couldn't believe that every childless by choice person hadn't responded yet. but will someone please tell me what was not nice or supportative about the above statement?????????? I just felt like I was immediately jumped on because some were offended by my username. Then someone just made the statement "unlike the person who I qouted" - Did you read my original post?

It wasn't a matter of your username. I've already explained why your posts are coming across as unsupportive, so in case you didn't read them, let me state it again.

First, you say twice that this thread is at least 10 months old...making the implication that we should no longer respond to it.

Second, you tell us that EVERYONE has to deal with questions we don't like (duh, we KNOW that), making the implication that we should just deal with it and get over it.

Third, you say that you find it unbelievable that this thread keeps being bumped up.

Fourth, you comment about your SIL not being able to conceive and then says she has an attitude and makes a big scene...and then you refer to other hurting people in your SIL's situation as selfish babies, etc.

PLEASE, I would love for you to point out where in the midst of all that you were being supportive because it's evidently being missed by the rest of us.

*I* pointed out your username because I was trying to show you that you being a mom of four doesn't exactly make you knowledgable on the subject. We are people without children...by choice or by no choice...we are without children. We don't go into threads of support for parents and tell you all how to feel and how to raise your children, I'm sure I can speak for many of us when I say that we would appreciate that parents don't come in here to tell us how to feel and how to deal with these situations (because they aren't in our shoes). No one is saying a parent cannot post on this thread...but you could do so a little more tactfully than you have been.

 

[KRIS10420]

Another childless couple here, by choice, and happy to be DINKS. I grew up with the intent to have children because that was "the pattern of society". I became an aunt at the age of 12 and had numerous cousins of which most of them were younger than me and did lots of babysitting as a teenager. I have three nephews, one passed away of a terminal illness at 5 months old. My nephews were always around, even lived in the same house at times, and I helped look after them. So as for having children I feel like I've already been there, done that and I know full well that not all children are born healthy. DH grew up in a very small, divorced, family and rarely was around children.
DH never wanted children and I kept procrastinating on the subject with the hope that I would get that maternal feeling. The more I kept thinking about it I realized that I really didn't want children and I would only be doing it because my mom was always pressuring for a granddaughter. Our thought was that there are enough unwanted children in this world and we don't need to add to that. I also know that I would end up with the feeling of regret and no child deserves that. So DH volunteered for the vasectomy.
We both admit we are very selfish people and like to do what we want, when we want. We both like children as long as they are someone else's. Our two cats are enough responsibility and I can leave them home alone for a couple days. I thought it was funny, one day I was riding up on a ski lift with one of my (with child)friends. She says to me, "How come you guys always get to go skiing and traveling?" My reply, "Because we don't have children!!"
So here is another childless couple that will be in WDW in September.

 

[plgrn]

I kept procrastinating on the subject with the hope that I would get that maternal feeling. The more I kept thinking about it I realized that I really didn't want children and I would only be doing it because my mom was always pressuring for a granddaughter.

That's kinda where we are right now. We just keep putting it off because our reasons are to give my parents a grandchild (I'm an only child) and because I have this nagging feeling that no one will be there to put me in a nursing home when I'm old.

Not good reasons...

 

[my4kids]

Ok fair enough - but back to my first post - which was supportative, and friendly - immediately following that this is what I was reemed with by mking624:

Judging by your username, it's extremely clear that you will never even begin to understand what we deal with on a day to day basis. This thread has turned out to be a great support network for those who either choose to be child free or those who cannot have children (like myself). To tell us that we should no longer respond because the thread is "so old" or to minimize our feelings because we're being asked questions that you think we should just simply answer with conviction is just an insult to us. Being asked if you're going to have MORE children or if you're going to stop having children is not quite the same as being asked and looked at as if you just became the scum of the earth for not doing what a woman is "supposed" to do.

Notice how she immediately targets me by my user name...like I was the bad enemy for having kids. That is why I got a little miffed in my next post....anyway, I can't BELIEVE I'm wasting another 5 minutes on this little scuffle, but I just wanted to defend myself and say that I came here friendly, was yelled at because going by my user name, "it is extremely clear" that I don't know what I am talking about (even though I tried for my first for 7 long hard awlful years). I just wanted to say...I was not the first to draw the line in the sand.

 

[my4kids]

I'm sorry you did not see my first post as supportative....it was whole heartedly meant that way - tone does not always come across well on the computer...especially for some one like me who has a dry and synical sense of humor, you may not "read it well" - I will apolagize on THAT point.

In regards to this:

Fourth, you comment about your SIL not being able to conceive and then says she has an attitude and makes a big scene...and then you refer to other hurting people in your SIL's situation as selfish babies, etc.

Stop right there - I NEVER said anyone else in my SIL's situation was a selfish baby. I said my SIL was a selfish baby...and believe me - she is!

and as much as someone may get a stab in the gut when a family member announces a pregnancy, (especially a hard fought for pregnancy) (I know that feeling) my belief is you should do your best to smile through the tears. Even if you do cry - it can be done in a way that is still considerate and loving of the person who does have good news. How would you feel if you had become pregnant and someone ran from the room screaming and crying? and your mother got upset about the situation and your brother rather than hugging you ran after his wife? Would you feel a little like you didn't matter? Like you were never allowed to be happy. Like you were bad for having a baby? Whenever I was in this situation (a couple of times I did tear up) I would hug the person , tell them how happy I was for them, smile through my tears and say "I hope it rubs off on me". Then I could go privately (without making a scene) and cry to my husband. I am not saying I do not understand -how my SIL felt, but she made me and everyone else feel worse. My joyous moment had finally arrived -I couldn't wait to tell everyone I loved as I know they would be happy for me - and instead that moment was stolen from me, and I felt like I was hit in the face with a brick. (the brick being the realization that my SIL could give a s?*t about me. ) I could never steal someones joy like that.

Just explaining the attitude behind that post.

 

[Krissalee]

and as much as someone may get a stab in the gut when a family member announces a pregnancy, (especially a hard fought for pregnancy) (I know that feeling) my belief is you should do your best to smile through the tears. Even if you do cry - it can be done in a way that is still considerate and loving of the person who does have good news. How would you feel if you had become pregnant and someone ran from the room screaming and crying? and your mother got upset about the situation and your brother rather than hugging you ran after his wife? Would you feel a little like you didn't matter? Like you were never allowed to be happy. Like you were bad for having a baby? Whenever I was in this situation (a couple of times I did tear up) I would hug the person , tell them how happy I was for them, smile through my tears and say "I hope it rubs off on me". Then I could go privately (without making a scene) and cry to my husband. I am not saying I do not understand -how my SIL felt, but she made me and everyone else feel worse. My joyous moment had finally arrived -I couldn't wait to tell everyone I loved as I know they would be happy for me - and instead that moment was stolen from me, and I felt like I was hit in the face with a brick. (the brick being the realization that my SIL could give a s?*t about me. ) I could never steal someones joy like that.

Just explaining the attitude behind that post.

Can we just stop this right here? This is totally off topic! my4kids, maybe you did have something important to say, but it was many posts ago. Just let it go. You are starting a debate, when the people here are LOOKING FOR SUPPORT on their decision to be child-free. This is not about your quest to get pregnant vs. your SIL's quest to get prgnant. My sister and my cousin did that, and it is tiring. This is about being child -free by choice, and looking for support, when we run up against people who oppose this decision.!!!!!!

 

[Hixski]

Can we just stop this right here? This is totally off topic! my4kids, maybe you did have something important to say, but it was many posts ago. Just let it go. You are starting a debate, when the people here are LOOKING FOR SUPPORT on their decision to be child-free. This is not about your quest to get pregnant vs. your SIL's quest to get prgnant. My sister and my cousin did that, and it is tiring. This is about being child -free by choice, and looking for support, when we run up against people who oppose this decision.!!!!!!

Well said. And now again can we get back to hearing from more child free DISers. By choice or not.

I also decided to add my 9 year old to my siggie.