Married couples living separately

[BadgerGirl84]

No thanks--not for me. Just looked up my wedding vows and we promised:

"to have and to hold from this day forward
for better for worse
for richer for poorer
for sickness and in health
to love and to cherish,
and with the help of God,
I promise to be faithful to you as long as we both shall live."

Living a few miles away from DH would kind of throw the "to have and to hold from this day forward" out the window! It'd be more like "to have and to hold on the weekends when I feel like it..."

If this works for a couple--great. But like I said, not for me! I want my husband by my side as my partner in all of life's events...not as a pal down the road to hang out with only on the weekends.

 

[mrsklamc]

I don't think the article was really geared toward people like the professors some are describing...I think they were talking about people who could live together, but don't want to ~ people who are set in their ways and don't want to change.

For me personally, working through disagreements and differences together is part of the joy of marriage - not that it's always fun, but we are closer to each other in the end.

Wasn't there a poll not too long ago about how happy people were in their marriages? If most people are unhappy I think that is really sad. I truly adore my husband and being married to him.

 

[NotUrsula]

The article was about people that lived in the same town.
Having to live separate for awhile because of jobs, understandable. But to choose to maintain two households is absolutely bizarre. It sounds like they don't want the work of marriage -the daily boring stuff like cleaning, who is cooking dinner, laundry, etc. But if they maintained only one household, they could probably afford a laundry service, lawn service, housekeeper, etc.

Why marry someone you don't want to be with? The only reason I see is if they're very religious and got married so they could have sex. I guess the bible doesn't say husband and wife have to live together.

No, that isn't usually it. Usually it is a couple who marry late in life and who are used to solitude and set in their ways -- it's not about chores, it's more about habits. Many marriages of people who still like or even love one another but who just cannot stand living together break up for that reason. These people are lucky enough to have the means to overcome that problem without having to divorce and give up the emotional connection/support aspect of marriage (not to mention the financial and legal advantages.)

When people who live this way do have children, the common solution to that is to buy residences that are next door to one another and share a common outdoor space or lobby. The kids tend to treat both homes as one, and move freely between them the same way that they would in a conventional home that is very large.

 

[ironpig70]

If you think this is odd then I have one better guy I worked with lived with his ex wife. They divorced and do to the housing crash couldn't sell their house so they live together. He had a girl friend and her a boy friend.



As to the OP's question myself and wife might as well live in separate houses. I went to work nights 2 months ago and she is on days. I am home while she works. I'll she her for about 2 hours on any day I work.

 

[tzolkin]

About 90% of the married couples I know don't have separate physical addresses but more or less live separate lives. Most I think stick together for the kids or out of sheer laziness to do anything about it. I can count on a single hand the married couples I know that are really happy. The rest are pretending more or less. I have one married friend who tells me how miserable she is, although her husband is a good guy, they are just not compatible and live almost totally separate lives. And oddly enough she says ALL of her friends are in the exact same boat, some worse than others, some literally only scream at each other, some are cordial but are barely making it etc.

This is really sad. Heartbreaking actually.

I can see how living separately would seem like a better alternative to living like that. But it also seems to me like it's an easier option rather than the best option.

 

[tzolkin]

If you think this is odd then I have one better guy I worked with lived with his ex wife. They divorced and do to the housing crash couldn't sell their house so they live together. He had a girl friend and her a boy friend.

My HS boyfriend's parents were divorced but they lived in the same house. At the time I thought it was rather odd that they shared the same space but were like two completely separate people with no relationship to one another.

Now, reading some of the responses to this thread, perhaps that's normal even among some couples who stay married.

 

[NoSoup4U]

I think this is what the OP is talking about. http://miami.cbslocal.com/2013/05/13/more-couples-living-apart-after-marriage/

It's an interesting arrangement. It's not one that I would choose for myself, but if it works for other couples, then good for them.

This is exactly what i was referring to. Married couples living only blocks away from eachother, in separate houses/apartments etc. I personally find that strange. But hey, if it works, it works.

 

[NYDisGuy]

No, that isn't usually it. Usually it is a couple who marry late in life and who are used to solitude and set in their ways -- it's not about chores, it's more about habits. Many marriages of people who still like or even love one another but who just cannot stand living together break up for that reason. These people are lucky enough to have the means to overcome that problem without having to divorce and give up the emotional connection/support aspect of marriage (not to mention the financial and legal advantages.)

I guess we have different definitions of true love then. It's certainly not true love if they can't stand living with each other. This seems like more of a friends with benefits scenario than marriage.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I guess we have different definitions of true love then. It's certainly not true love if they can't stand living with each other. This seems like more of a friends with benefits scenario than marriage.

You can't say that it isnt true love. It may not be something you agree with but if it makes a couple successful then more power to them for looking outside the box.

 

[threeboysmom]

I don't get the meaning/purpose of this? Getting married and then living apart...

Isn't the point of getting married so that you can live together and start a home together?

Otherwise, what's the point in getting married? Unless there's some sort of financial benefit to this?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I told my husband he is going to be a traveling encylopedia salesman when we leave the army. I won't know what to do with him up annyoing in my koolaid all the time.

As for the OP
I know several military families that have chosen to live apart. Instead of constantly uprooting their children, they have a home base and the military member comes to visit as often as possible.

I think everyone needs to do whatever is best for their relationship and if that includes living next door to each other then so be it.

Amen sister. i am going crazy with DH. It doesn't help that he works 1st shift right now so he is literally with all day long.

As much as I don't want him to leave again in a few weeks, it will be nice to have "me" time back. (other military wives will understand that)

 

[NYDisGuy]

You can't say that it isnt true love. It may not be something you agree with but if it makes a couple successful then more power to them for looking outside the box.

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I don't get the meaning/purpose of this? Getting married and then living apart...

Isn't the point of getting married so that you can live together and start a home together?

Otherwise, what's the point in getting married? Unless there's some sort of financial benefit to this?

To me, marriage is a commitment to love, honor and be faithful to one another. That can be done in separate households.

Marriage and living together aren't mutually exclusive IMO.

 

[Kristibo42]

My daughters best friend mom just married for the 2nd time. Because either house was large enough and they only live less then a mile away they have separate houses. I thinks it weird but I guess it works for them.

 

[lovemygoofy]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

There are thousands of people who live in their own house and sleep in their own bedrooms every night after they diddle somewhere else. Is that better? These couple have found a way to make their marriage and relationship work.

Lots of people have their man room, sewing room, seperate bedrooms, and seperate bank accounts. I would rather people find ways to have successful marriages and show children that they don't have to live sterotypical tv sitcom life to have a marriage.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

It's not true love. There is an attachment missing in this that prevents it from being true love, especially if you are in two different homes. I couldn't imagine being intimate with my spouse then saying "see ya later" and going home. Just because it works doesn't mean they are truly in love, that's a slap in the face to people who commit to their spouse 100% of the time.

In your opinion it's not true love.

And to the bolded sentence...That's kind of a slap in the face to the people who don't live with their SO 100% of the time. It doesn't make them any less committed or their relationship less valid.

 

[NYDisGuy]

There are thousands of people who live in their own house and sleep in their own bedrooms every night after they diddle somewhere else. Is that better? These couple have found a way to make their marriage and relationship work.

Lots of people have their man room, sewing room, seperate bedrooms, and seperate bank accounts. I would rather people find ways to have successful marriages and show children that they don't have to live sterotypical tv sitcom life to have a marriage.

You are still in the same home, I never argued that. I quoted the person saying they live in separate homes 4 blocks away because they can't stand living with each other.

 

[NYDisGuy]

In your opinion it's not true love.

And to the bolded sentence...That's kind of a slap in the face to the people who don't live with their SO 100% of the time. It doesn't make them any less committed or their relationship less valid.

Read what I wrote earlier. I have no issue with it being because it's military or work related. Even if it's in the same home. But when people claim that they can't stand their spouse but don't want to add to the divorce rate so they live in separate homes, that's my issue and what I wrote above. And that's not true love by any means.

 

[NaLisa]

No, that isn't usually it. Usually it is a couple who marry late in life and who are used to solitude and set in their ways -- it's not about chores, it's more about habits. Many marriages of people who still like or even love one another but who just cannot stand living together break up for that reason. These people are lucky enough to have the means to overcome that problem without having to divorce and give up the emotional connection/support aspect of marriage (not to mention the financial and legal advantages.)

This is my impression, too. It's not appealing to me, but who am I to judge if it works for them?

 

[ironpig70]

While I was out doing some yard work I thought that maybe some of these folks have an open marriage.

Much easier to bring somebody over if the wife/husband is not there.