Marriage Survive Cheating?

[horseshowmom]

Sorry, that was getting so long- I decided to cut it into 2 posts.

The other thing- his cheating somewhat relates to our "physical problems". I mentioned he was critcally ill awhile back- he had to have a lot of urology surgeries (he went septic, ect) and it left him w/ ummm...scar tissue inside....making it somewhat hard to "perform" w/o medication assistance sometimes he barely can--but not so well. This affects his mental status somewhat..and he's never taken this well. He says it's the biggest blow to his ego ever. Anyhow, I guess I wasn't really talking him seriously about how much it affected him. He says a HUGE part of his depression comes from this. It's all actually very sad for such a young guy. Anyhow, we just really weren't having much of a physical relationship--you know if it doesn't get brought up--we can ignore the problem. He says that was really affecting his depression making it way worse, he didn't want to say this before. He said when "L" started flirting w/ him- it made him feel good about himself- and eventually he said as terrible as it is--he kind of wanted to see if he could "perform" w/ someone else. I had to ask--- and he said only like he can when he doesn't medicate w/ me. Which means barely.

He claims the guilt and the bigger blow to his "manhood ego" really put him in an almost suicidal state. He says he thought of just ending the marriage because he never wanted me to find out what he did.....that he didn't want me to hate him. He claims (even before the revelation) that he know's he's always loved me and he is truly in love w/ me.

If you want this to work, I think you can make it.

I have no respect for cheaters and don't accept excuses from them, but there are a lot of mitigating factors in your situation. Your husband probably felt like all he really meant in his family was the money he brought in from working out of town (that you'd rather have the money than have him with you). That wasn't true, of course, but it was his perspective.

Then you add the physical aspect. To a man, that is a HUGE issue. I mean, a man is so tied up with that and his self-esteem that it can kind of take over (which is why Viagra, etc. is making such a fortune).

When you factor in the depression, it really adds up to a lot (and made him feel like even less of a man).

It sounds like he was looking for somebody to want him. I am NOT saying that makes it okay, but I also don't think it's the same thing as an ongoing affair.

You have my prayers and best wishes. People can, and do, make it through something like this. I wish you both the best and hope you can get to the other side. It honestly sounds like you've been starting to finally "find" each other again, and he wants to be totally honest.

As an aside, as much as I hate to add to your turmoil, I do think you both need to consider the possibility of disease (particularly due to her "history").

 

[rt2dz]

First I am soooo sorry for you. For everything you have been going through. As far as what to do, obviously this is up to you. But here are my thoughts.

There is no way you would have ever found out. He had gotten away with it. Yet, he still told you. He told you because he thought you needed complete honesty in to finish healing your relationship. If that is truly the spirit of his reasons of telling you, take the rest at his word. It was a one time thing. It was during when your marriage was already falling apart and you were physically and emotionally apart. It was when he was falling down and you weren't around. There was true regret. Then you need to decide if you can forgive him as you are entering your second phase of marriage.

If you want to, you can. I could never forgive an affair. It would be the end. But under these circumstances, a one night stand, I might be able to get past it. Those silly little marriage vows of "for better or worse", "till death do us part". An affair is a doormat, a one night stand is a forgiving soul--someone, imo, to be admired. But you have to be honest with yourself and decide if you can forgive it. And you might want to work with the counselor again, this is a need a little more help thing.

 

[Goofyluver]

Can a marriage survive infidelity??? Yes, it can.

I know someone who went through an affair in her marriage. It was devastating to her. In the end, their marriage survived, and I think they are stronger than ever. But, SHE had to make the decision to stay. And, THEY had to make the decision to work on the marriage. There will probably always be trust issues. But, they work through them. I don't think everyone can keep a marriage after infidelity. But, for this couple, it worked.

My prayers are with you. You can't do this without help. Please get some outside help.

 

[kilee]

There is no way you would have ever found out. He had gotten away with it. Yet, he still told you. He told you because he thought you needed complete honesty in to finish healing your relationship. If that is truly the spirit of his reasons of telling you, take the rest at his word. It was a one time thing. It was during when your marriage was already falling apart and you were physically and emotionally apart. It was when he was falling down and you weren't around. There was true regret. Then you need to decide if you can forgive him as you are entering your second phase of marriage.

If you want to, you can. I could never forgive an affair. It would be the end. But under these circumstances, a one night stand, I might be able to get past it. Those silly little marriage vows of "for better or worse", "till death do us part". An affair is a doormat, a one night stand is a forgiving soul--someone, imo, to be admired. But you have to be honest with yourself and decide if you can forgive it. And you might want to work with the counselor again, this is a need a little more help thing.

So much of this reflects every bit how I'm feeling.

I would of never been able to forgive an actual relationship/affair. Or even just a regular ongoing physical thing. I feel once can be a huge mistake---anything more than that--isn't.

As for why he admitted it--it is true--I would of never found out. I don't know the girl or know anyone who does. He says nobody else knew. She lives in another country a day and a 1/2 away. His reasoning for telling me- he says was because he truly wanted our new fresh start to be a new fresh start.

He's been personally counseling w/ his physician about his depression-- and it's really brought about a huge change in my dh. It has probably been one of the most positive changes in his mental status ever. He's learning to accept disappointment and things that are beyond his control. Things he's never done in the past.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't know what to say, except I hope that whatever happens, you are happy in the end. You deserve it.

You have not really described how this makes YOU feel, and I think that is the most important element in whether or not the marriage can survive.

Denae

 

[KristiKelly]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I remember your original post awhile back.

I don't know the answer to your question just

 

[stargrazer]

another for you; I have no answers but I'm hoping you will come to a decision that's right for you.

But your original question...Can Marriage Survive Cheating? Mine wouldn't. Hubby has done some nasty things and I've never cheated, so there is no circumstance that would allow me to forgive him if he did. That's just me though.

Only you know what's going to work for you.

 

[rt2dz]

So much of this reflects every bit how I'm feeling.

I would of never been able to forgive an actual relationship/affair. Or even just a regular ongoing physical thing. I feel once can be a huge mistake---anything more than that--isn't.

As for why he admitted it--it is true--I would of never found out. I don't know the girl or know anyone who does. He says nobody else knew. She lives in another country a day and a 1/2 away. His reasoning for telling me- he says was because he truly wanted our new fresh start to be a new fresh start.

He's been personally counseling w/ his physician about his depression-- and it's really brought about a huge change in my dh. It has probably been one of the most positive changes in his mental status ever. He's learning to accept disappointment and things that are beyond his control. Things he's never done in the past.

It sounds as though you have already decided to forgive him and work on the marriage. That is a good thing. And it also sounds as though you aren't checking your brain at the door--you're going to get help to get the two of you through it and aren't going to forgive another one night stand with anyone or the same girl or any long term affair. That is a good thing too.

Neither one means you will get past it and have a good marriage despite it. But without that willingness, it would certainly mean it would never happen. If both of you want it, both of you are working on your relationship problems and individual issues (who doesn't have issues?), then your marriage will survive. It's happened in the past. Good luck!!

 

[Luv'sTink]

You are not being a "Door mat" because you are questioning everything you are doing, you are not just accepting at face value.

Can your marriage survive? Honestly I always say No, But after reading what you have written, I think yours can. I agree it seems as though you are already starting on a path to recovery.

For me, no it couldn't, I have been cheated on before (before DH) and will not go through that again, DH knows I mean it.

 

[violetshelby]

Yes, your marraige can survive If you decide that is what the both of you want, and it sounds like you do. As you know it will take alot of work and a some time, but it will be well worth it if this is the direction you both decide to make.Here is a great place to get help http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

 

[kilee]

It sounds as though you have already decided to forgive him and work on the marriage

I do want it to work, and I truly believe w/ the way he's acting, being open, and what he's saying he does too. It's just I'm so afraid the hurt won't go away. I know it's still so new and fresh. I know we both need time. I'm just so afraid to go through this healing process to only have it all fail anyway- and then that starts a whole new round of pain and hurt.

 

[grlpwrd]

So, turns out that he had a "one night stand" if you will w/ a waitress from one of the places he frequented a lot. Probably 2-4 times a week. When he first started he talked about this diner all the time. I remember asking him once way back when he first started-- should I be jealous or worried about these girls. It was more of a joke- he said No....

Another helpful website is www.marriagebuilders.com .

I don't quite understand how he could have sexual problems and yet have a physical affair with another woman as you say "probably 2 to 4 times a week." I know he has depression and medical problems, but that part doesn't make sense to me because illness or not there is intent and he surely found a way to get over the dysfunction even momentarily.

My parents survived infidelity, but they are miserable together. I would not go on with him if my dh ever cheated.

I wish you both the best...

 

[poohandwendy]

Kilee,

I believe that when both people are willing to put the work into the marriage, to put it first and to honestly and openly discuss problems and work on solving them...YES, the marriage absolutely can not only survive but become a better and stronger one.

It sounds like you both really want to do that. In your circumstances, I absolutely would try.

There is always the risk of failure. There was the day you married him. The nice thing about trying to work on it is that if it does fail, you can know that you gave it your best shot.

{{{HUGS}}}I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you both well in healing and working towards a stronger, healthier marriage. It sounds like you both really love each other and that is half the battle.

 

[poohandwendy]

Another helpful website is www.marriagebuilders.com .

I don't quite understand how he could have sexual problems and yet have a physical affair with another woman as you say "probably 2 to 4 times a week."

I think she was saying that he had a one night stand with someone he saw on a regular basis then (because he went to that place 2-4 times per week).

 

[ntburns22]

All I have is hugs to offer. I also just recently found out that my DH is having an affair.

 

[kilee]

I don't quite understand how he could have sexual problems and yet have a physical affair with another woman as you say "probably 2 to 4 times a week

No, he was only w/ her 1 time. He only took that step 1 time. He ate at this place, where she waitressed 2-4 times a week. He hauled steel, and they had designated fuel stops. The diner she worked at happened to be one of his designated fuel stops. As for how he was w/ her. I tried to touch on that in a sensative way. W/o meds dh cannot "maintain" longer than a few minutes before it just doesn't work. He can initially become aroused if you will, but it's not the same and I really don't know how to explain it. Even at that it's barely there. We have attempted to "connect" this way- but it's really useless if you will just the biological side of it makes it impossible. Anyhow, he says it was that way and it was mortifying. (which of course I think serves him right). Which means he can be w/ her but the actual act is gonna be brief and it won't be completed on his part if you know what I mean.

 

[kilee]

All I have is hugs to offer. I also just recently found out that my DH is having an affair.

I am so sorry .

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

I think that the answer to that depends on the 2 people involved and their willingness to work through it. I can say that for me, cheating is a dealbreaker. Everybody is different, though.

In this case, I'd actually be more concerned about the untreated bipolar disorder than about the cheating. Do you believe that your husband will stay in therapy/treatment and be fully compliant with his medication from here on out? That would be a bigger deal to me than the cheating, honestly. You all can agree to put the affair behind you and to work on your marriage, but that's going to be impossible if he isn't 100% committed to managing his bipolar disorder IMHO.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your DH is bi-polar, so the chances of hurting you again is probably 100%. It is the nature of the illness.

So that begs the question, can you handle a bi-polar DH?

That is something that you can only know.

Here is site that describes what you need to do. Are you up for that? Be honest. It is OK to say this is more than I can handle.
http://www.bipolar.com/family_and_friends/helping_yourself.html

 

[alldiz]

I remember your 1st post....
I'm so sorry for all of this sadness

You are NOT A DOORMAT....

I believe that things happen for a reason....
This might make your marriage stronger.....HEAR ME OUT...

I certainly dont condone cheating....but your circumstances
were unusual....
Depression from "disfunction"....I would imagine...make ya crazy...
He only told you.....for a "fresh start"....
You have so much history....Sometimes we all need a wake-up
call.....to see how dire the situation is...

I think you should go to therapy alone to work through
through your grief and trust issues....
There is nothing worse than a broken heart....
I truly hope you can mend it together....
Kerri