Marriage question

[sunlver]

Why would you want to be married to somebody you have nothing in common with? Ive been married for over 12yrs. Most people who know us think our marriage is ok. Really it isnt. I suppose when we were dating we "thought" we had things in common. Now though, 3 kids later , 12 yes later. Most of the time all we do is bicker and fight. He is a good father, he is helpful. But, we have nothing in common. This is no lie. We never agree on how to spend the money, we never agree on how to discipline the kids, we never agree on what priorities should be on the top. We dont agree on what the right thing to do for the kids once they graduate from highschool, we dont agree on what to do with our retirement when that time comes. We are 2 different people with 2 different life values and what we want for the future. We live more like roommates then anything. He helps with the kids, so I dont have complaints there. We do stuff as a family, but once we are home, he goes his way I go mine. At night once the kids are in bed, again we go our separate ways. Apart from sleeping together in the same bed, we never spend time together. The bad thing is It doesnt bother me. I have suggested maybe we should get divorced or at least separated. Iam not in love with him anymore. I do love him as a person, he is a good person. The spark has been gone for yrs and yrs. He sais he still loves me and would never leave. Sometimes Im downright not nice to him, Im short tempered with him(not with the kids though),sometimes. I rarely ever tell him how Im feeling. We never have any deep discussions about anything, except when it comes to the kids. I keep alot of stuff inside, and if I have a problem I rather talk to a friend about it then him.
So why would he still want to be married? I have no desire to ever be married again. I will always be grateful for him, because if it wasnt for him I wouldnt have my beautiful children.
Anybody else have a marriage like this?
Please no bashing.

 

[JCJRSmith]

I'm curious why you would be asking such a question here. From your post it is obvious you don't communicate, and communication is paramount in a marriage. You need to seek out a marriage counsellor for this one, not the DIS.

 

[Laura]

I'm curious why you would be asking such a question here. From your post it is obvious you don't communicate, and communication is paramount in a marriage. You need to seek out a marriage counsellor for this one, not the DIS.

I agree. I don't think the DIS is good for marriage advice, it's a good place to vent when you can't vent to the person you're angry at.

I may want different things out of marriage than someone else. Whether I would be in a particular kind of marriage doesn't matter, what matters is whether your marriage can be saved. And nobody here can tell you that, it's something you have to work out with your husband in counseling.

 

[pajamommy]

I agree about marriage counseling. Maybe you do still have things in common and feelings for each other, but over the years, too much bitterness or miscommunication has crept in and it makes it hard to see the love that is still there. Maybe a marriage counselor could help you cut through all the negative stuff and see the good in your marriage again. Good luck!

 

[Brier Rose]

My DH and I are ONLY alike when it comes to our family being number one priority in our lives. We are total opposites in everything else! I think we compliment each other. Sorta fill in each others blank spaces so to speak. I'm hot headed, he's pretty even tempered so he calms me down. I'm good with money, he doesn't care to watch what he spends at all! I could go on and on, but what I'm trying to say is it's our differences that makes OUR marriage work.

We love to spend time together, even though we can't always agree on what to do. That's where compromise comes in..we take turns.
I'm not bashing you AT ALL, but I will say I think sometimes people (in general) give up to easy.

My Dsis in one. She had a great husband in most ways, but she felt like they didn't have the whole over the top movie kind of burning passion for each other, so she divorced him. Several losers later, she now realizes that ..one, life and love is not like what you see in the movies, and two, there is something to be said for a good man that loves you!

You say that you don't mind the time you spend apart, but for right now you're only as apart as seperate rooms in the same house. Does it really not bother you to think of never having him close to you agian? If so, then I guess you have some choices to make.

I know there have been time when I have felt like I hated my DH! (remember I said I was hot headed..LOL) But I know I would never want to live without him.

We've been married 15 years, and I love him more than ever!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Bottom line you have this relationship because it is what you want for now. As the other posters suggest, it is wise to seek some therapy to find out why you want to live like this.

I listen to Dr. Laura alot and generally she will say you are repeating your childhood. You are trying to replay it for a different outcome. Does that make sense?

The bad part is that this damages your children and they could repeat your mistake. Or get into "high emotion" relationships to play out what you could not finish. Of course this is an "if" and we do not have crystal balls. Also when YOU are "caught up" in your own misery, you cannot see through the haze at what is really on with your kids.

My parents have that kind of relationship and it took me alot of acceptance to "get it". Now I am happy and at peace.
Been together 20yrs & married 15.

 

[Mishetta]

I too think that seeking counseling is a great idea. Go together & see what you can do to bring the sizzle back. I do agree that communication is the core of a happy marriage. That being said, my DH & I are soooooo different! The only thing we have in common are values, but it all works for us. Of course, he does make me laugh everyday & laughter is so important too.

Have you thought about just going away together for a long weekend? Can you leave the kids with someone & just go be Mr. & Mrs. again? I know that we never go out alone & I'm afraid that one day we won't have anything to talk about since we might be strangers, but for now, all is very good.

Good luck to you. I hope you find some peace & happiness.

 

[Christine]

Since I can't post anonymously, I'm just not even going to comment on my marriage.

But, I do think that some of what you are going through is normal to some extent.

I think it is hard for many of us to objectively look at this, but kids (especially more than one) can be quite draining to the mother and, subsequently, on the marriage. Sometimes you don't even know what the cause is for your "lack of feeling." Having 3 kids within a 12 year marriage has got to have taken you to the absolute bottom levels of fatigue. Once that happens, EVERYTHING is like a splinter in your foot. It's easy to start seeing the negative aspects in your partner.

I've been through this and, while going through it, I never even know what causes it. There have been small opportunities where I have had the chance to be by myself and have some "me" time with no cleaning, cooking, and serving people. In fact, it just happened this weekend. And you know what? After 3 days of this, I feel almost like a new person. I actually have some desire to go and do something and I feel more upbeat. You just never know how exhausting kids and taking care of the home are. You don't say if you work outside the home or not, but if you do, that can make it even worse.

So what's the point of all this rambling? Before you do or say anything drastic, it is VERY important to determine exactly what is at the root of these feelings. As you can see from other posters, even exact opposites can have good marriage, so commonality isn't necessarily required. But your ability to enjoy your partner's company is. You need to figure out why you are not enjoying it? Are you tired, resentful, feel like you're carrying the bulk of the burdens? Just depressed?

This is where counseling can help out, although, I'm not sure it is the only answer. And, it's really important to find a good counselor. There are some "blah" ones out there.

 

[disykat]

Ok - here's my suggestion for what it's worth - get busier in the bedroom. DH and I have been married for 15 years and there are times when we feel like roommates who don't agree on much. That tells us it's time to crank up the romance a notch. You don't sound miserable to me, you just sound bored. To me, that's a sign that it's time to put some effort in. Start going on dates again. It can't hurt and isn't it worth a try?

 

[Planogirl]

People change over time and sometimes you grow apart. Consider the counseling like others have suggested. It might help you to see if what you have is salvageable.

 

[Brier Rose]

Ok - here's my suggestion for what it's worth - get busier in the bedroom. DH and I have been married for 15 years and there are times when we feel like roommates who don't agree on much. That tells us it's time to crank up the romance a notch. You don't sound miserable to me, you just sound bored. To me, that's a sign that it's time to put some effort in. Start going on dates again. It can't hurt and isn't it worth a try?

ITA!!

 

[azgal81]

This is just sad. I'm not married never have been, I'm still fairly young I do have a boyfriend though that I have been dating for over 2 years. We have some stuff in common but not everything. We do things together and sometimes we compromise. He wants to do something that I wouldn't necessarily want to do but I'll do it with him because I would rather be with him. Maybe you and your husband should start date nights or something so you actually spend some time together. I'm sure he will be shocked that you asked him but he will probably enjoy it. I think you need to at least make an effort to make it work: do things together just the two of you, communicate, counseling, get intimate with him rediscover why you married him in the first place. If none of those things work it might be best to part ways. No one wants to be stuck in a unhappy marriage. It's not fair to you and especially not him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with others that opposits can attract, and that marriages can have ups and downs and lose the spark, etc...

But, I have to say that I think that the situation for the OP might be a lot more than that. This part of the OP's post really threw out some red flags for me.

We never agree on how to spend the money, we never agree on how to discipline the kids, we never agree on what priorities should be on the top. We dont agree on what the right thing to do for the kids once they graduate from highschool, we dont agree on what to do with our retirement when that time comes. We are 2 different people with 2 different life values and what we want for the future.

My DH and I are very different in many ways. However, on some points, such as those life-values, such as the kids, and the future, I think it is essential to have some common ground!

Like everyone here says. The DIS may not be the best place to get marriage advice. But, I do see some problems and red-flags here.

The OP says her DH says he is happy and that he wants to stay married. Well, with him being happy with the status-quo, I have to wonder if it is HIS priorities and HIS views on the future and finances, etc... that are being fulfilled. (While she is left hanging....)

It sounds the marriage is at a huge impasse, with the husband holding on to the status quo. The status quo being, 'everything is only allowed to go the way he sees it'.

I am not seeing where the two are 'complementing' each other or 'compromising' with each other at all. I am not seeing the common ground. Only a laundry list of 'disagree'ments.

To the OP: I personally am not recommending marriage counseling... I think that maybe you might first want to consider some personal counseling, or just simply taking the time for yourself to take a good long look at your life, and your marriage, and what you expect, and want, and need. (as others have said, sometimes life can be so demanding, it is just too hard to see the forest for the trees!!!)

 

[Puffy2]

Your hostility toward him (at times) is probably due to the frustration that you feel over being in a ho/hum marriage.

But, I'd recommend "tetting over it" at least until your youngest has finished high school (as long as the two of you are "ok" with one another). In the mean time, if you want counseling, go for it. You might find that your feelings change, especially if you ever were "in love" with him to begin with. If you were never "in love" , you might never be. After the kids are grown, if you are still unhappy then think about your options.

Otherwise, if you leave now - you will become the parent that "left poor dad" - this will not help you with your relationship with your children. They have enough to deal with without their parents breaking up during their teen years.

And, keep in mind that there are plenty of people out there who stay married for different reasons - marriage isn't the "ideal" for everyone.

And , for what it's worth, many men really don't like change. If his house is clean, he has hot meals waiting for him at home, and he enjoys his children he is probably content to leave well enough alone. There are other ways to be happy.

Ultimately, everyone else is right , though, a message board is no substitute for counseling. Maybe you should seek some out if you are unhappy.

 

[Puffy2]

Iam not in love with him anymore. I do love him as a person, he is a good person.

That's what real love is, by the way, - being there when you should, rather than when you just want to . If you are determined to chase "in love" all your life, you may find yourself in a series of relationships. Is that what you want?

 

[Miller1412]

I am not seeing where the two are 'complementing' each other or 'compromising' with each other at all. I am not seeing the common ground. Only a laundry list of 'disagree'ments.

QUOTE]

I'm just wondering though if those ALWAYS and NEVERS really mean always and never. I throw those terms around a lot when I'm unhappy with DH, but ALWAYS and NEVER aren't really the right words to use.

Get some counseling OP, what do you have to lose trying to save your marriage?

 

[Firedog]

Did my wife just join the boards?

 

[sunlver]

Thank you everybody for your comments. I didnt see it as a problem posting a topic about marriage. I see "Many" serious topics on here from emotional to physical. Of course counseling is the best advice . I think I was just posting to see if anybody else ever felt this way. Sometimes its easier to talk to strangers about problems.
Im not sure what the future holds. Right now I take one day at a time, I do the best I can for my kids, and show them as much love and care as I can.
No I do not work outside the home. I have 2 in school and one at home. I love my kids more then life itself. They love thier father. I would never take that away from them. Like I said before, I do not hate my husband, he really is a good father to them.I just have felt like my marriage has been at a standstill for years and years. Im not exactly sure when it started.

 

[In a hurry]

Maybe, it isn't about how/when it started, but whether you are willing to work to change it. And I don't mean that in a harsh/rude sort of way. Sometimes you just have to move forward in a positive way. Looking for the best in someone, making an effort on your part to make things better, that kind of thing. Talking with him about your concerns, and asking about his.

After the accident that killed my sons, and birth of our baby, we went through a funk that almost ended our relationship. We went to counseling (briefly) and began talking again. Both of us had to make an effort to search for what we loved about one another, because neither of us had been acting very lovable.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just have felt like my marriage has been at a standstill for years and years. Im not exactly sure when it started.

Doesn't matter. The secret is do you want to change it? Do you want to live differently? Don't Look Back....Look Forward. Think forward. Say what can I do today to make something positive?
I am also a SAHM. That in itself holds issues I think in marriages.
Go get Dr. Laura's "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Read it and see if it helps. She gives basic techniques to start over.
Good Luck!