Marriage issues

[monkey68]

I don't want to get too personal, and if other people can't share, I understand. But right now, my sister and her husband are having some major issues. They just got married about 6 months ago, but moved in together about 8 or 9 months before they got married. Basically, the short of it is that my sister has finally had enough, and told him today that he can just pack his things and move back to his mother's place, since he spends every waking moment there anyway. I know they intend on trying marriage counseling, but does it ever work for anyone, or is it one step closer towards divorce?

I really don't like my BIL, but I would never say anything to him because if I did, my sister would blame me for the rest of my life. The rest of my family feels this way also. Nobody likes him because of what he's done to my sister, but nobody dares say anything to him because we don't want my sister mad at us. We've told my sister that she needs to basically lay down the law, but my sister is not I guess the strongest person. But today, enough was enough. Are people ever able to work through the really tough times? At what point is it too much? I just want to see my sister happy, and it kills me to see how miserable she is now.

 

[roseprincess]

Sorry to hear your sister and BIL are not getting along
Hope your sis and BIL try marriage counseling- it's worth a try if they
both want to really work on their marriage.
IMO, I'm not one to promote living together before marriage- just my values.

Why didn't anyone like your BIL (before the wedding happened)?

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Marriage counseling did not work for my two friends, they were married for all of a year. They did live together beforehand, but then so did DH and I (married 5+ years) and a number of our good friends who are very happily married. Notably, the other young divorced couple (slightly less than one year of marriage) I know didn't live together before marriage or try counseling.

 

[disykat]

It sounds like they need to have a serious discussion about how much time they spend together or with their families. Didn't you post recently that he was upset because she was spending her whole weekend with you? Now she's upset because he spends too much time with his mom?

Family boundry issues are huge in many marriages - I know they were in mine - and are an issue that often doesn't get talked about enough prior to marriage.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Yes, marriage counseling can work..but it depends on the couple and their issues. If they love each other and want to work together as a team..then there is hope. If he is a momma's boy, and is gonna run to momma constantly and never cut the strings then nope.

Your bil has to put his wife before his mother..and she needs to do the same. So like I said it really depends on the issues and the people involved.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Depends on the major issues really. You say he spends every waking moment at his mother's?

That is someone who does not want to be married.

I can't see counseling working there because it would require a change in behavior from the BIL.

 

[DorkyDisneyMom]

We did marriage counseling and it worked for us. We had been married for 10 years when we started.

We are going on 13 years this year and we are happier now.

Both people need to be willing to work, it's hard to look at yourself and evaluate the things you are doing wrong. Sometimes it's hard not to say, "I told you so."

The biggest part for us was finding someone we trusted and liked to help.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Marriage counseling only works if the couple truly want it to work. It takes a lot of time and commitment that a lot of couples are not willing to do in order for them to resolve the issues.

 

[mtemm]

marriage counseling worked for us, but when we first tried it we had a poor fit for a therapist, and my h's heart wasn't in it, so it didn't then. our current therapist is wonderful, though, and we are both in the right place for it, so big difference.

wishing your sister well.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[cheermom1]

marriage counseling worked for us, but when we first tried it we had a poor fit for a therapist, and my h's heart wasn't in it, so it didn't then. our current therapist is wonderful, though, and we are both in the right place for it, so big difference.

wishing your sister well.

yeah i have to agree if you get a poor counselor it will not go good at all, we had one that would always say to me "isn't that a loving thing to do" when dh would do the RIGHT thing!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't encourage her in either direction.

If she is thinking about asking him to leave that tells me she already knows he's got problems so there is nothing to be gained by your input. I think the best thing you can do is let her know you support her no matter what she chooses to do.

True. Best to be supportive in this situation and let her figure it out.

Let her bounce things off you but that is about it. Say "what do you think" alot.

 

[SharkyGoddess]

Depends on the major issues really. You say he spends every waking moment at his mother's?

That is someone who does not want to be married.

I can't see counseling working there because it would require a change in behavior from the BIL.

I just had to ditto this. I would guess his mother is an enabler, allowing him to still be a little boy at home. Too many moms won't let their sons grow up and be men these days.

 

[monkey68]

Depends on the major issues really. You say he spends every waking moment at his mother's?

That is someone who does not want to be married.

I can't see counseling working there because it would require a change in behavior from the BIL.

Yea, he spends every waking moment there. Yes, I also posted he was upset I took my sister away for an evening. But this was one evening as opposed to every day (he is currently unemployed, so he has a lot of time on his hands).

His mom is definitely an enabler, or the one starting all of it. It's like, his mother says Jump and he jumps. She says do this, so he does it. It's like he's married to his mother and not my sister. I just feel bad for my sister, I hate seeing her like this.

 

[Disney Doll]

Did she not notice this during their pre-marriage period? Or did this behavior begin after they got married?
What about your BIL do you not like?

I would say that two people having marital difficulty at 6 months are in for a rough ride that will most likely end in divorce. At 6 months, you should still be in what I call the "LaLa Honeymoon" phase.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So she made a mistake. Hopefully she realizes it sooner rather than later.

It takes a certain type of person to put up with an "momma's boy".

My guess here is that she had blinders on and now they are coming off.

Counseling will not only help put a marriage back together but it also has the added benefit of seeing that the marriage cannot work.

So parting on good terms can be possible.

 

[RitaE]

2 things
Yes, marriage counseling often works. It also often doesn't work but in cases like this, hope for the best. I'm kind of surprised that he would actually go to his Mother's house after she said that. Still, they seem to be having some difficulty in cleaving unto each other or whatever it is the Bible says. A marriage counselor will definitely work on that.

Second, the first year of marriage is very difficult for some people.

Best thoughts for your sister. You are very wise in not speaking negatively of her husband. You may not like him now, you many not ever like him. But if you like your sister, she deserves a supportive family.

 

[monkey68]

Did she not notice this during their pre-marriage period? Or did this behavior begin after they got married?
What about your BIL do you not like?

I would say that two people having marital difficulty at 6 months are in for a rough ride that will most likely end in divorce. At 6 months, you should still be in what I call the "LaLa Honeymoon" phase.

Pre-marriage, I don't think it was quite so bad. He was working during the week, but after he lost his job, my sister had to pick up a second job, and he spends every day at his mom's place, and expects my sister to clean up the apartment and cook dinner every night. I understand that the economy sucks right now and jobs are hard to come by, but if you're not going to bring in an income, the least he can do is the laundry.

As far as what I do not like about my BIL, it's basically a combination of things. When we first met, I didn't have the greatest impression of him, but it's not my place to meddle in my sister's life, so I took the stance of "If she's happy, I'm happy". But I find him very arrogant, stubborn, demanding, unwilling to learn, basically a know it all that doesn't know it all, and he has some crazy views. Last year, when I had pneumonia, he told me it was all in my head, I was only sick because I wanted to be. Of course I wanted to get pneumonia 3 days before a big exam! What great timing! And then he was telling me the antibiotics my doctor wrote out for me don't do anything, that it's just some scam from the government to keep me sicker longer so I keep going back to the doctors office and paying more money. Because in his mind, bacteria don't exist. BTW, my sister doesn't share his views on these conspirancy theories.

There are other issues as well, but that's just one that involved me. I don't want to get into details about my sister's relationship with him, but there are similar instances where he says he is right, and only he is right, and no other opinion can exist. He constantly makes my sister feel not good enough.

Earlier, when my sister told him to leave, he apparently got scared. My sister had to work today, and in between cases, she had a doctor's appointment and was able to go home for a bit. He went to the store to buy lunch, went to the pharmacy to drop off and pick up her medication, did the laundry. My sister said he's acting now like a puppy with his tail between his legs. I do have my doubts though how long all this being good will last. It seems like all common sense stuff to do when one person is at home and the other isn't, but to him, I guess it's not always common sense.

 

[bumbershoot]

They just got married about 6 months ago...

I know they intend on trying marriage counseling, but does it ever work for anyone, or is it one step closer towards divorce?

If she wants info, she might be able to simply annul the marriage, depending on the state. Much easier and cheaper. Hubby was married for a brief period in his 20s before she took off after maxing out all his credit cards and moving away. They'd only been married 6 months and had no kids or property together, and he was able to have it annuled. So check your state's laws on that.

As for counseling, if BOTH people want it, if both agree to work their butts off for months, if both absolutely tell the truth, then it certainly CAN work.

We had couples counseling when engaged, after having some rather rough times, and it was amazing. Hard, very hard, but amazing. We truly went to the darkest of the dark part of our relationship, even made our counselor start to cry once (she was a master's degree candidate, it was a sliding scale program at the local University's family therapy program, and she didn't have all her boundaries/defenses worked out yet) and that, I'll tell ya, will smash some sense into a head quick! When we saw that it amazed us, and from that point on things got better. Once two very different people can find a GOOD way to communicate and work things through, it can change everything for the better.

But you both have ot want it equally. Good friend of mine had counseling with her husband, but he wasn't into it like she was (he was already having an affair, which she found out about), and he actually would lie about things to the counselor. Can't work things through if you're lying.

Marriage counseling only works if the couple truly want it to work. It takes a lot of time and commitment that a lot of couples are not willing to do in order for them to resolve the issues.

Yep. My friends who divorced are in awe of the work we have put into our relationship to continue it. And I'm not sure they want to put in that work.

I would say that two people having marital difficulty at 6 months are in for a rough ride that will most likely end in divorce. At 6 months, you should still be in what I call the "LaLa Honeymoon" phase.

Eh. Plenty of people have rough, difficult, insanely hard 1 years. It's not happy joy joy for MANY people.