Marriage counseling

[onescgirl]

I'm glad you two are going to try to work it out. Make sure that you do get counseling to help with your marriage and prevent it from happening again. A lot of churches have classes on marriage that can help.
I've had friends that this has happened to and they have worked it out.
Some people in good marriages do make mistakes. I've seen it where it starts off as just a friendship, turns into an emotional affair, & next thing they are involved in a relationship they shouldn't be in. If he truly wants to work it out & change, he can do it. You have to guard your heart at all times, it can happen to anyone easily.
And, like a previous poster said, he needs to be a open book. If he's not doing anything wrong, he shouldn't be hiding anything, like having a password on his cellphone, etc...

 

[patsal]

So sorry you are having to go through this. What I have learned form others who have had similiar experiences is that sometimes it works and sometimes the only good to come of it is a much more civil divorce. I don't think talking about it can make things worse. Good luck ot you.

 

[Robbi]

Oh my. <HUGGGSSSS> to you.

I have been there. From your post, there is no telling, because there are so many circumstances in play. Before you do anything, please take some time to stop and think. What do YOU want? Do you love this man, and when you think of your life in 10, 20, 40 years, is he always in the picture? By the ages of your children, I imagine you have been together for a long time, so obviously there is a lot at stake. But do you even WANT to keep him? Are YOU in love, or at least in-like. And if you do want to save this, is it because that is what you really want, or because the change is scary?

Now is the time to be very honest with yourself. It is also the time to be selfish. I mean that. Don't worry about the children, because they will be better off with divorced parents than parents who are in a toxic marriage. If you love this man and want him to remain in your life for that reason and that reason only, then it might be worth it to try to save this... but if he is coming from the position of "I'm not in love with you any more," you are fighting an uphill battle, because he clearly has unrealistic expectations of what love is.

Only a very very lucky few still feel "in love" that many years into a relationship... it's a chemical thing, it's a boredom thing, it's a growing up thing... If he's looking for tingles and rainbows and butterflies... he's not likely to find that in a long-term relationship... all long-term relationships take work, and that is what marriage counseling is.

A counselor will ask him to try to have more reasonable expectations of the relationship.... you are the mother of his children, his partner of the last XX years, and the fact that you would even consider continuing the relationship is a testament to what kind of partner you are. With all of that going on, it's a bit unfair to expect you to be the fairy princess of his dreams at the same time...

BUT... the counselor will also try to assess what it is he is "missing" and after trying to find a realistic level of expectation, ask you both to try to find a way to get there. I can tell you it is painful and unfair-feeling when you have just been betrayed by your partner to then have to hear about all the things your aren't and how *you* should be different...

And that is really hard. Because you're already feeling down on yourself. You have already lost the promise he made, to keep himself only unto you, forsaking all others. And I can tell you, even if it was all perfect and the counseling works, and you have a renewal of vows... you will never get that original vow back. No matter how this plays out, you will go through a mourning period over that.

If you love him, fight for what you want... but do it for yourself, because we all deserve to be loved for the right reasons. Don't settle for him settling, because that is a recipe for future trouble. And if you don't see him in your future (the real him, flaws and infidelity included-- not a continued infidelity, but realize you'll never forget this, forgive maybe, but you'll never really forget) then open yourself up to the possibility that maybe there is something else out there waiting for you.

If you go to counseling, it will be a lot of work. It will be compromise, which is always hard, but doubly hard when you are healing from a betrayal, worrying about the future, and mourning the loss of what was. You will learn about communication, you will be encouraged to date each other... and it may or may not work.

As for the expense, it depends on the route you take. Going through a church will be less expensive, but they will push for a reconciliation at all costs-- meaning they'd rather see you unhappily married than happily divorced... If you go through secular therapy, it can be expensive, but it's possible your insurance will help if it is billed as "therapy."

I'd really suggest you go to therapy for yourself in either case. You have been hurt, your trust has been violated, and you are probably feeling very threatened because your future no longer looks the way it did before this. Please don't rush into anything. Don't rush to reconcile and don't rush to divorce. And ask him to do the same thing.

Both of you need to do some soul-searching. It's not as simple as "Am I starry-eyed in love with this person and I want to marry them all over again?" There's so much more to a long-term marriage.

I urge you again to think of yourself. Your children will always be your children, you will not lose that, even if you lost the house or (God forbid) custody. Your job is to be the healthiest mother you can be to them, and only you can figure out what that means.

I wish you the best. This is not an easy thing. Trust your heart, but use your brain!

My husband and I have been together 33 years and we're still in love. I get butterflies when he gets home from work. All of our friends have been together as long as we have and I'm pretty sure they're all in love too.

ETA-OP, I'd give counseling a try if your husband is willing. He may want you to take the lead. IMO, if he was 100% over your marriage and no longer in love with you, he would not even consider counseling. My parents marriage almost broke up over an affair but they went to counseling and hung in. They celebrated their 56th anniversary a few months ago.

 

[ManyMinnie]

I believe you owe it to your kids to try to save your marriage and make it into a good marriage. It will become obvious in counseling if the marriage can be saved.

Adultery will take a long time to heal from but a marriage can survive.

I'd say the husband owed it to his wife not to cheat on her, but YMMV.

A marriage can survive adultery, but only if both partners are 100% in the marriage and willing to work through the many issues an affair brings to the table.

 

[clintswifeymomof4]

Counseling can help and I think anything is worth trying to save a marriage, even if you weren't the offending party. My husband went to a Christian counseling center associated with our church. We also started attending church together and it has helped me heal my heart. It is HARD work but for us and our 5 kids- it was worth the effort and now my marriage is on the right path. I'm actually really happy. I bought the book "Surviving An Affair" by Williard Harley. It has helped me work through emotions. You cannot go back and undo the affair but you can choose where the marriage goes from here. I'm glad he agreed to go to counseling- DO IT! It helped save my marriage.

I figure if God could forgive such a sinner like me, and I strive to live in His image, then I too should try to forgive my husband and I have. Just as His forgiveness isn't a free ticket for me to go out and commit crimes and transgressions, I know my forgiveness to my husband isn't saying "it's ok to do that." You can heal your marriage- both of you- in time. Good luck!

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

OP HERE. .....We have been married for 7 years. We were high school sweethearts at one time.

Are the ten year old and the 16 year old children from a previous marriage?

 

[punkin]

First, big hugs to you. sending prayers out to you and the kids. Next please understand I AM not a professional counselor of any kind, this is seriously just my opinion.

My firm belief is that cheating is usually a symptom of a deeper issue. I do know two people (two seperate marriages) who survived an affair, and both couples have said it's made the marriage stronger after extensive counseling.

Now the difference from what your saying is they both said they still loved their spouses. Unfortunately your husband says he does not love you any longer and that's concerning. He's willing to try counseling but what's his attitude going to be? does he think the affair was a mistake?

Much love to you, take care of yourself and your kids.

Yes!. From my experience, both spouses, but especially the cheater have to want the marriage to continue so much, they is willing to do ANYTHING to make it work. If you are the one suggestion counseling and he is just going to "try" call an attorney.

 

[tiff211]

I believe you owe it to your kids to try to save your marriage and make it into a good marriage. It will become obvious in counseling if the marriage can be saved.

Adultery will take a long time to heal from but a marriage can survive.

I totally agree!

 

[oopsiDAISY]

Yes, marriages can survive infidelity. I too was married to a serial cheater. After 13 years, enough was enough and I gave him an ultimatum. Little did I know at that time I gave the ultimatum that he was already heavily involved in an affair with a friend of MINE...from CHURCH. After it was all exposed I put him out. I sought counseling for myself. He had a friend who told him about an addiction recovery ministry....

We renewed our wedding vows 6 months later and we are now leaders in our own addiction recovery ministry in our church (our NEW church). He has his 3 yr sobriety coin.

The key is that HE has to know he has a problem and want to change...be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save himself and the marriage. The PP that said if he blames you at all to not take it...that is absolutely correct. I blamed myself for so many years. What it boils down to is this: sometimes as wives we can never do enough to keep them at home because it is NOT US!

((HUGS)) and prayers going out to you, your husband and your kids!!!

 

[TheRatPack]

Hugs to you as you work through all of this. I came across this site the other day and wanted to share...might be something you can use at some point along your journey to reconciliation or divorce. Whatever happens.....I wish you the best. I can not imagine what feelings you're going through right now.
http://www.wife.org/

 

[Mamakop]

So sorry you are going through this.
I think counseling is never a waste of time, even if you two decide to get a divorce.

My personal opinion if my husband cheated on me I would definitely try and make it work, if I could trust him again. But you did say your husband doesn't love you anymore. And that is something I personally wouldn't be okay with.

Good luck to you

 

[taaren]

OP HERE. I have spoke to the insurance company and therapy is covered. Yay! I really love my husband and the life we had together. I never knew that he was unhappy for years. Yes he has broken off the relationship (or that's what he says). I am no longer upset about the affair. I just want my family to be whole again. Luckily his mistress lived out of state, so maybe it will be easier for him to let her go. He said we can give it a year and see what happens. He said it will take some time for him to get feelings for me again. I am willing to wait as long as he keeps his focus on our relationship. We have been married for 7 years. We were high school sweethearts at one time.

Its great that your insurance was able to cover it, I think this is wonderful that many insurance companies do now.

No matter what the results of your counselling, it is worth going. A third party can often give you insights into your relationship and what it will take to make it better, and then you can decide whether or not those are changes you and your spouse are willing and/or able to make.

In my first marriage when the counselor pointed out exactly what our personality differences were that was causing friction, it was like a lightbulb going off in my head. I decided becoming a completely different person to save that marriage was not something I wanted to do, even if I could. It also helped me to recognize what it was I needed in a life partner, and years later find a my DH who is ridiculously well-suited to me this time around (which, oddly enough, was pointed out to us when we went to see a marriage counselor a few years ago and ended up spending the whole time talking about our delightful but sometimes problematic DS). Cheating wasn't the issue in either case, but regardless it is usually a symptom and not the cause of marital problems.

A good counselor is trained to see and bring to your attention things you can't see because you're in the middle of the situation. The self-realizations when you are having rough emotional issues are well worth investing the time and money. Good luck in making your situation one that works for you, whichever way it turns out.

 

[poohfriend]

Hugs. I am sorry you are facing this. Counseling is worth it since you're both willing. Divorce can be horrible and worse than moving past the yuck in a relationship. I wish you well.

Tiff211. what a beautiful story. I'm sure the years it took to make that story were painful for you. Thanks for sharing. And I agree, the husband may not "feel" love right now, but often love is a choice and not a feeling.

OP, rooting for you. And saying prayers right now for your family.

First of all I want to send a virtual hug to you! I have been there, done that. My DH was a serial cheater probably my entire marriage. However, I remember the FIRST time I found out, how I felt, the shock etc. So, hang in there.

If he is willing to try counseling, it means he DOES love you, maybe just not IN love with you at this moment. Counseling SHOULD help if you find the right counselor. We had the wrong counselor and she made DH feel like crap and so blatantly took my side, that he did not want to continue. My job had the employee assistance program and paid for 8 sessions and then my insurance picked up the tab, we just paid a copay.

my story in a nutshell: I found out DH was cheating on my while I was pregnant with our middle daughter. he said it was a mistake and we went to counseling but did not finish. A few years later we moved to another state and he cheated multiple times with multiple women. I left him in (2008) and he begged for me to come back, I did a couple of times but then I caught wind of more cheating and left again. Our divorce was final in 2010 and I decided to move back to my hometown, and he returned too to be closer to DD's. I move on with my life and started dating someone else. It got pretty serious pretty fast because the guy was a old friend. My DH did not take it well at all and that was his wake up call. He made a lot of changes and I began to see them. I also was realizing the new guy was not for me so I ended it with him. DH asked me to give him one last chance for our family and I did with the condition, HE find a counselor. We went and found out so much about ourselves, the why's and it REALLY solidified our relationship. We got remarried this past november and he is completely a different person. I honestly feel if we would have had that counselor the 1st time, things may not have gotten to the point that they did. So if he is willing, and you have coverage, RUN don't walk. It can really make a difference. I know not all stories are like mine but maybe mine can bring hope.

If you ask him why, and he gives any reasons that are blaming you, DO NOT LISTEN! It is not you, it is him. ALL HIM. Please PM me if you want to talk. I would also suggest not sharing too much info with friends and family until you both decide how you will be moving forward. Again, hang in there....you can never go back to where you were but you can come through the other side stronger! I promise you.

 

[crisi]

Yes!. From my experience, both spouses, but especially the cheater have to want the marriage to continue so much, they is willing to do ANYTHING to make it work. If you are the one suggestion counseling and he is just going to "try" call an attorney.

That was my experience as well. And the call an attorney advice is pretty good. If you never divorce or separate, it won't be useful, but if he is planning on leaving while paying lip service to "we can work it out" he may be moving your joint assets to where they can't be found or taking other steps so he comes out better in a settlement.

 

[ceecee]

That was my experience as well. And the call an attorney advice is pretty good. If you never divorce or separate, it won't be useful, but if he is planning on leaving while paying lip service to "we can work it out" he may be moving your joint assets to where they can't be found or taking other steps so he comes out better in a settlement.

Something to think about there...keep yourself safe and keep the blinders off. Hope it all works out if that's what you want. Make sure that's what YOU want.

 

[cheshireqt]

So sorry this happened.

There are a few things I think you should be aware of and there is no way to sugar coat them. I say these things to try to help you and I hope you will not take offense to anything I say, they are just my views.

--Are you aware that some States require a full year of marriage counseling if there are children involved before they will grant a divorce? The counseling may be a mandatory condition for your divorce.

--You need to protect yourself regardless of whether he goes willingly to counseling. Find out what the laws are and how to protect your finances. You know for a fact he is not trustworthy right now. What will you do if he cleans out the bank account, stops payment to the account and moves out, or worst case moves to another state? Do you know how to get child support activated quickly enough to not be in a real bind? Do you have some rainy day money put aside just for you to get through a crunch like that?

--I think counseling would be a really good idea even if he only goes to one session and then stops. I think you need someone to talk with and examine why "you are no longer troubled" about a recent affair that you do not know for a fact has been terminated. Also you need someone you trust who can help guide you emotionally through the uglier aspects if it comes to that, which I sincerely hope it does not.

Best of luck to you, I really do hope it works out for you. I think it is clear you love him very much and very much want him to stay a part of your life. On his side he says he wants out of the marriage, has had an affair to prove it to himself and to you, but is willing to give counseling a try at your request. At least that is how I read your post. Please be careful, very very careful, there are some people that would take advantage of that kind of upperhand in a relationship. IMHO, he should be begging you to forgive him not being begged to stay, if that is what has occured. You are absolutely worth that.

Again I am truly sorry, its just as someone removed from the situation evaluating the bit of information you provided I can clearly spot several red flags and I worry about you being taken advantage of, you are clearly a trusting and loving person who wants to do all she can to save your marriage.

 

[sk!mom]

So sorry this happened.

There are a few things I think you should be aware of and there is no way to sugar coat them. I say these things to try to help you and I hope you will not take offense to anything I say, they are just my views.

--Are you aware that some States require a full year of marriage counseling if there are children involved before they will grant a divorce? The counseling may be a mandatory condition for your divorce.

--You need to protect yourself regardless of whether he goes willingly to counseling. Find out what the laws are and how to protect your finances. You know for a fact he is not trustworthy right now. What will you do if he cleans out the bank account, stops payment to the account and moves out, or worst case moves to another state? Do you know how to get child support activated quickly enough to not be in a real bind? Do you have some rainy day money put aside just for you to get through a crunch like that?

--I think counseling would be a really good idea even if he only goes to one session and then stops. I think you need someone to talk with and examine why "you are no longer troubled" about a recent affair that you do not know for a fact has been terminated. Also you need someone you trust who can help guide you emotionally through the uglier aspects if it comes to that, which I sincerely hope it does not.

Best of luck to you, I really do hope it works out for you. I think it is clear you love him very much and very much want him to stay a part of your life. On his side he says he wants out of the marriage, has had an affair to prove it to himself and to you, but is willing to give counseling a try at your request. At least that is how I read your post. Please be careful, very very careful, there are some people that would take advantage of that kind of upperhand in a relationship. IMHO, he should be begging you to forgive him not being begged to stay, if that is what has occured. You are absolutely worth that.

Again I am truly sorry, its just as someone removed from the situation evaluating the bit of information you provided I can clearly spot several red flags and I worry about you being taken advantage of, you are clearly a trusting and loving person who wants to do all she can to save your marriage.

Very, very good post. OP, please read this carefully and think about how to protect yourself and your children.

Counseling can be very helpful if you both want help. Possibly not helpful if your DH is halfway out the door. I would encourage to take steps to protect yourself financially.