Has anyone ever done marriage counseling. Did it work? My marriage is in serious trouble. My husband has been having an affair for two months. We have kids 5,10 and 16. I am scared and confused. He said he was not in love with me anymore but he was willing to try counseling. Is counseling even worth it? Is it expensive?
Oh I'm so sorry.
It's a good sign that HE wants to do counseling. I assume he has ended the affair?
As long as he WANTS to go, WANTS to not have affairs anymore, and is willing to do the grueling work it takes, counseling *can* work.
Of course, you'll be having counseling too, and it's always possible that you will find out that you do not want HIM anymore.
Either way, it will help you guys work things through.
My parents went thought a similar situation and it just didn't work out. It was incredibly sad for all of us. The difference was that the parent that had the affair refused to try counseling. Looking back, I don't think it would have made a difference, but I think it would have been helpful if we all had a place to go to discuss our feelings.
....All of which we (as kids) had to hear about.
If only they had let you guys go to counseling even if they weren't. And if only they hadn't talked about grownup issues with their children.
I knew about stuff with my mom and dad, but it was because I SAW a lot of it, saw a lot of my mom's fear, we had a tiny little house, and my dad would go on and on about "your mother". My mom never said anything negative, but just tried to support us when he didn't show up for a visit, yet again....she let us see him for what he was without adding her words to it.
First of all I want to send a virtual hug to you! I have been there, done that. My DH was a serial cheater probably my entire marriage. However, I remember the FIRST time I found out, how I felt, the shock etc. So, hang in there.
If he is willing to try counseling, it means he DOES love you, maybe just not IN love with you at this moment. Counseling SHOULD help if you find the right counselor. We had the wrong counselor and she made DH feel like crap and so blatantly took my side, that he did not want to continue. My job had the employee assistance program and paid for 8 sessions and then my insurance picked up the tab, we just paid a copay.
my story in a nutshell: I found out DH was cheating on my while I was pregnant with our middle daughter. he said it was a mistake and we went to counseling but did not finish. A few years later we moved to another state and he cheated multiple times with multiple women. I left him in (2008) and he begged for me to come back, I did a couple of times but then I caught wind of more cheating and left again. Our divorce was final in 2010 and I decided to move back to my hometown, and he returned too to be closer to DD's. I move on with my life and started dating someone else. It got pretty serious pretty fast because the guy was a old friend. My DH did not take it well at all and that was his wake up call. He made a lot of changes and I began to see them. I also was realizing the new guy was not for me so I ended it with him. DH asked me to give him one last chance for our family and I did with the condition, HE find a counselor. We went and found out so much about ourselves, the why's and it REALLY solidified our relationship. We got remarried this past november and he is completely a different person. I honestly feel if we would have had that counselor the 1st time, things may not have gotten to the point that they did. So if he is willing, and you have coverage, RUN don't walk. It can really make a difference. I know not all stories are like mine but maybe mine can bring hope.
If you ask him why, and he gives any reasons that are blaming you, DO NOT LISTEN! It is not you, it is him. ALL HIM. Please PM me if you want to talk. I would also suggest not sharing too much info with friends and family until you both decide how you will be moving forward. Again, hang in there....you can never go back to where you were but you can come through the other side stronger! I promise you.
Dang. Your story amazes and impresses me!
We got through a rough time with counseling, though infidelity was not part of it, and even without that betrayal it's still just about the hardest thing I, he, and we have ever done. It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure, and it doesn't always work.
I did my own therapy a year or two before meeting DH, and she was a bad fit for me. Wanted to blame the person in my life for everything, and ultimately I had to quit her because she just wouldn't move on and help ME. All she wanted was for me to leave the guy. However, she did give me some tools and inner resources that have continued to help, because, surprise surprise, my issues continued to be my issues, even after I had dumped that guy.
Counseling would not be a waste of time, even if your marriage ends. It will be useful to have an impartial advisor help you and your husband keep communicating throughout the divorce process and after, especially because you have children together. You may want to consider individual counseling to help you deal with your own feelings of betrayal and loss.
I agree.
Second, you need to come to terms with the fact that your marriage may be ending. If you don't want it too, you should put as much effort into stopping that as possible, but also prepare financially, emotionally for the possibility. Lean on your friends, ask for help, develop your support system, start a separate bank account, trim the budget where you can, and get your kids some support as well- even if the marriage doesn't end you are obviously in a rocky place and they will feel the effects of that. Realize you will be under a lot of stress and figure out positive ways you can deal with it like exercise, time with friends, etc.
We went to a counselor. No cheating was involved, but we had issues. Counseling helped in a way, but I don't think we had the right person. We were just too polite during our session, very careful what we said about the other. This in itself taught us that we weren't through and we did a lot of talking. We still have our moments but they are different now.
That's really neat that even though you guys didn't use the time IN counseling to its advantage, that it helped you have that connection later. I like that.
And yes, counseling can be brutal and you have to be honest. During the counseling session we had that was the "darkest before dawn" session, it was horrible. We actually saw our counselor's eyes glistening, it got so ugly between us. Now, we had a rule that we were NOT to talk about individual or couples sessions at all outside of counseling, and we weren't living together at the time (it wouldn't have worked for us if he was in my face all the time), so we didn't want to talk about the session after, but seeing the tears in her eyes really caused us to take a step back, both on our own and together. If we were making a professional cry, yikes. For some reason, THAT moment was the one that helped bring everything back together.
Anyway OP, I hope you get the support you need and that you guys can get through this (however it works out) as smoothly as possible. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
