Marriage Advice

[undertheradar]

Marriage takes work every day. There are give and take issues that arise and we all have to deal with them. I cannot believe that the OP's husband was shocked if they communicate as openly as she says. Having kids would just add to the problem, as they further divide time and attention. My wife and I have been married for almost 17 years and we had our toughest times right when our son was 6 months old(he's now 15y.o.). We moved to a new state, allowing her to work for a family business. Looking back, it was the worst decission we ever made! Her family was pressing her that I was not working hard enough, she was working days and I was working overnights(watching the baby during the day). She surprised me one day by showing up with divorce papers and a police escort to remove clothes for her and our son( the papers stated that she had moved out of the house 60 days ago ).
We went to mediation- her lawyer advised her to not participate. We went to court numerous times. I was described in court papers as a "risk to flee the state" with our son, an unhappy new resident, an unworthy father. After spending thousands of dollars and many hearings in court over a 15 week span, my wife showed up on my doorstep to ask if she could move back home. Honest, I wanted her back but was deeply afraid that there was some kind of trick involved. We have been together almost 15 years since and have 2 daughters as well. I no longer work nights and she no longer works for her family's business. I think that if you want your marriage to work, you have to expect to work at it very day. Good Luck!

 

[Debbie Jean]

Wow! Long thread... took me awhile to get through it. Lots of food for thought. I'll try not to repeat the advice others have given... there have certainly been some interesting points made.

My background: the ex and I split more than 12 years ago after 17 years of marriage and one DD. We went through counseling both together and individually but in the end, it was the right thing to do. Although it was extremely painful, I have never regretted it.

From my own experience I would say there are certainly instances where divorce is appropriate. Counseling is a must. It can help you to work on the marriage and make it stronger... but it can also help you to figure out how to end it. Individual counseling is critical here. This is the time when you need to gain some insight into yourself... not just how you feel now but why you did what you did if, in fact, you "backed into" the marriage. This is an opportunity for you to really grow and mature... but it means being honest with yourself. When a marriage breaks up everyone bears some responsiblity... you need to figure out what your part in it is... and learn from it.

Whether your marriage survives or not, BTW, will not be your decision alone,
something I hope you have considered. The allusion right now is that you are the one in control of the future of the relationship. It's true that you were the one who precipitated the current crisis. Your husband is on a journey, too. In the end, even if it doesn't seem possible to you now, you may realize this is a marriage you want... and he may decide to walk away.

 

[poohandwendy]

Whether your marriage survives or not, BTW, will not be your decision alone,
something I hope you have considered. The allusion right now is that you are the one in control of the future of the relationship. It's true that you were the one who precipitated the current crisis. Your husband is on a journey, too. In the end, even if it doesn't seem possible to you now, you may realize this is a marriage you want... and he may decide to walk away.

That is a very good point. Often when one person is focused on whether or not they are happy, the other person is taking stock too and may see things they are unwilling to live with or work through.

And especially if they do not feel a sense of commitment coming from their spouse, the may be less likely to feel compelled to give their all.

 

[femail]

well; i can't even read all this here; just want to say good luck; it always looks greener on the other side of the fence; if it didn't we would all keep the same first job we ever had; it's the nature of the human beast to want more.. i guess you need to go really basic on what the person you want to live with the rest of your life needs for basics (you can really live without a dancer, singer, flower-bearer, card or gift giver.. think the REAL things that you need to be the best person you want to be.. the person that makes you want to be a better person for... who you want to be proud and happy for.. who loves you even when you do something (FILL IN THE BLANK) silly stupid horrible etc etc)

someone who will work with you and not against you.. who, if you point out a flaw in yourself or them will look at it as a positive, a place for change..

so many wouldn't even GO to counseling; but once you're in there, you have to see where changes will make you a "better" person for yourself, your loved one, family, work, whatever...

sometimes it's you. you make a decision to leave and years later think that was the worst move you ever made, that the person you left knew your flaws and loved you enough to work through them..

it's ever so much easier to start over with a clean slate than to try to make the writing on the wall work for and with you...
blah blah blah!! kudos for putting yourself out there to hear what we all have to say... again, good luck.. kathye "femail"