Marital infidelity - wwyd?

[mrs.martyr]

I'm not a troll. I am just being anonymous because of the sensitive nature of the question.

My DH and I have not been *together* for years because of a medical condition. It is not his fault. I have been 100% faithful to him in the almost 6 years of marriage we have shared. Our relationship is otherwise good. But lately I find myself fantasizing about having an affair and being attracted to a lot of other men. DH told me long ago that he would be understanding if I ever strayed, but I have resisted because of my marriage vows and because I fear what could happen if I was to be with someone else and then had feelings for them. But I am also finding myself being resentful of other couples who are happy and having ordinary married lives together. I don't know how to fix this.

Has anybody else dealt with this situation? How did you resolve it? I guess there is no other way to do it than continue to tough it out.

 

[sugarpie]

I don't know the exact circumstances, but there are many other ways (besides the most obvious) to be close and fulfill certain needs.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I don't know the exact circumstances, but there are many other ways (besides the most obvious) to be close and fulfill certain needs.

I totally agree. Would you mind giving a little more details on his medical condition? Trust me, there's more than one way to skin a cat. Trust me

On the other hand, I think it's sad you are fantasizing about having an affair.

 

[poohandwendy]

Hmmm...

I consider my my vows sacred, in sickness and in health, for better for worse... There are plenty of ways to be intimate with your DH, sometimes creativity is needed. If I can't keep my end of the bargain and remain faithful, I think it's best to end the marriage.

Even with permission and with health issues as the reason, I cannot see being unfaithful as constructive to a marriage. Excuses are just excuses, people get hurt by affairs, bottom line. Just the way I see it.

 

[mmcguire]

I agree with the 1st & 2nd replies. There are other ways to "be together" without actually "being together". (wink-wink, nudge-nudge). Another thought -- have you and DH considered talking to a marriage counselor or therapist that specializes in this kind of situation?

 

[mickeyfan2]

I am guessing that it is DH who cannot perform. Got to the store and get what you need. It will save your marriage and you will not be denied your pleasure. There are many ways for a couple to be intimate not just the one you seem to want.

I hope this is a legit question.

 

[cardaway]

Let him go so he can find somebody else.

 

[mrs.martyr]

1. It isn't a question of letting him go, it's a question of letting myself go. I am the healthy one

2. I hear what you're saying about more than one way, taking care of myself, etc. Believe me, I've been "taking care of myself" for about 5 years now and it's getting really old, really fast.

3. I know it would make more sense with details, but let's just say being physically intimate with him in any capacity is impossible. He is sick -unable and uninterested. I would settle for ANYTHING in the neighborhood, so to speak, but no. It ain't happening.

4. Yes, of course I realize that being unfaithful for whatever reason is bad. That's why I haven't done it. But I'm trying not to go crazy too.

 

[Amlee]

I don't know the exact circumstances, but there are many other ways (besides the most obvious) to be close and fulfill certain needs.

That way my first thought.

 

[ISupportTigger]

Do you know just exactly how difficult it is NOT to post this?

 

[Aidensmom]

1. It isn't a question of letting him go, it's a question of letting myself go. I am the healthy one

I may be wrong, but I read the post about letting him go as "If this is a relationship you are staying in just out of obligation, let him go so he can find one that is truly happy." And those are my thoughts on the subject.

It is normal to fantasize or to find others of the opposite sex attractive, but if you are considering having an affair, there is more to it than that. People rarely have affairs for physical needs alone, there are emotional needs that are not being met.

You say you have a good relationship, is that the complete truth? Your screenname indicates you believe you are being a martyr. That would not indicate to me that all is happy in paradise.

 

[Kath2003]

There are ways to be intimate with your husband that can provide the emotional and physical intimacy you both need despite your husbands health problems. You would not BELIEVE the number of things you could try and the various products available to enhance those intimate moments (just google it!).

Perhaps you need to talk to your husband, explain your needs, and discuss his.

 

[poohandwendy]

1. It isn't a question of letting him go, it's a question of letting myself go. I am the healthy one

Actually, it is a question of letting him go also. His happiness should be just as important. Your having an affair will affect him, medical issues or not. Sheesh, I can only imagine how painful it would be, not only to have issues that kept me from being able to perform...but add your spouse is enjoying that with someone else. Man, that would really hurt.

He should be with someone who is willing to live with the medical issues without feeling the need to stray. As others have mentioned, there are MANY ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner. You need to find a way for your marriage to have an intimate connection. Or, you need to move on...for BOTH your sakes.

 

[sugarpie]

If you're taking care of your own physical needs, then it's your emotional needs that are not being met. A person can go a lot longer without the physical than they can the emotional.

An affair isn't going to solve anything.

 

[mrs.martyr]

I may be wrong, but I read the post about letting him go as "If this is a relationship you are staying in just out of obligation, let him go so he can find one that is truly happy." And those are my thoughts on the subject.

It is normal to fantasize or to find others of the opposite sex attractive, but if you are considering having an affair, there is more to it than that. People rarely have affairs for physical needs alone, there are emotional needs that are not being met.

You say you have a good relationship, is that the complete truth? Your screenname indicates you believe you are being a martyr. That would not indicate to me that all is happy in paradise.

He is very ill. Nobody is going to want to be with him and he wouldn't have the strength to find a new relationship. I do love him and don't want to leave him. But I am a healthy woman with needs. Yes, we have a good relationship otherwise. The "martyr" part is that I have to do everything for him, and I get really nothing back. Trust me, he knows that my needs are not being met and is not able/interested in doing anything about that. I have overlooked this because of his illness, and out of guilt because I feel selfish. He told me long ago he would be OK if I find somebody on the side, just so long as I don't "fall in love"

 

[cardaway]

1. It isn't a question of letting him go, it's a question of letting myself go. I am the healthy one

It's both. I'm betting he is somebody that deserves somebody a little less selfish and more trustworthy. Let him go so he can find that person.

 

[poohandwendy]

He told me long ago he would be OK if I find somebody on the side, just so long as I don't "fall in love"

Well, since you cannot guarantee that, you both would be better off if you walked away, IMHO.

I see you making excuses, honestly. If you want to leave, just leave.

 

[mrs.martyr]

Actually, it is a question of letting him go also. His happiness should be just as important. Your having an affair will affect him, medical issues or not. Sheesh, I can only imagine how painful it would be, not only to have issues that kept me from being able to perform...but add your spouse is enjoying that with someone else. Man, that would really hurt.

He should be with someone who is willing to live with the medical issues without feeling the need to stray. As others have mentioned, there are MANY ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner. You need to find a way for your marriage to have an intimate connection. Or, you need to move on...for BOTH your sakes.

Yes, he HAS been with someone like that. I have been 100% faithful to him. I am only now, after 5 years of this, beginning to have these thoughts. Please don't beat me up. I'm just being honest. I haven't done anything. And yes I know it would be painful. It would be for me too because I don't want for things to be like this. Don't you think it would be more painful to leave him by himself when he can barely do anything for himself? sheesh back at ya

 

[pearlieq]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the situation you're in, and I admire your sticking with it for 6 years now.

It's very easy for people who have access to an intimate relationship to start pontificating about marriage vows and moral superiority.

She hasn't strayed--I don't think it's fair to criticize someone for having thoughts and feelings about it. I think that's completely human and completely understandable. I don't think her being tempted by an affair means she's a bad wife. She's a wife in a terrible position. I think she deserves support and understanding, not condemnation.

I can't imagine how sad, frustrating, and disappointing it would be to marry someone and then have that part of your life ripped away. Of course you would still love them, but physical intimacy is important both as a pleasurable experience and a way to connect.

If he's not able/interested in trying alternative means to connect, she's really in a tough spot.

OP, I think counseling might be something really worth seeking out. This is obviously a very difficult situation and it might really help to talk to someone who will listen and not judge. You can figure out if you want to stay in this marriage, and if so, how you will cope with it.

I wish you the best.

 

[chobie]

There may be other problems in the relationship besides sex. Hard to tell based on the post. Plus she sounds like she is under a lot of stress from being his caregiver and that is understandable. Maybe some counseling would be helpful to decide if you really want to stay in this marriage?

We can sit back with our healthy mates and say what we think we would do in this situation but honestly I don't know how I would feel after taking care of an ill spouse for five years. I'd like to think I would selflessly dedicate myself to taking care of his needs and sacrifice whatever it takes for the marriage, but I have no idea how I would feel. I would probably be depressed after a few years of that. And I honestly don't know how many years my husband would take care of me if I was ill and go without sex.