MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[momof1princess]

Parents who are really anxious to pass the responsibility of their hard to handle child on to someone else?

amen sister!

 

[Scurvy]

2. Check into legal issues if she moves in with him as a minor.

Yes - He could be opening himself up to a world of problems if he lets an underage girl move in with him!


By the way, I know many posters have said that they are both too young to marry. I was 22 when I married 15 years ago, and we are still very happy. I was much more mature than the girlfriend in this case, though. I think that the OP's son may be mature enough for marriage, but the girlfriend doesn't sound like she is yet.

 

[jlima]

Now for the fun part....he went home and talked to DGF and now she is totally flipping out. Just before he left to go to work, she was throwing things, screaming and crying because not only is he staying on second shift, he is wanting to rent his own place again. They would never have any time together except on the weekends.

What a welcome to the real world for her . . . does your son understand that this display of immature behavior is what he's going to experience the entire time he continues this relationship; every time she doesn't get her way?

What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out. My DS is just going to crap when he finds all this out. As he told me, he just wants things to slow down-he feels he is on a whirl wind and after what he read here on DIS- it's time to make a stand.

will it never end?

How dare they even begin to discuss something this drastic without asking your son first. Wow, just wow.

 

[luvmy3]

OP Tell your ds to stand his ground with FFIL if he asks about princess moving in. I'm sure they will try to guilt him into letting her move in with him, but don't let him give in

 

[Inigo]

What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out. My DS is just going to crap when he finds all this out. As he told me, he just wants things to slow down-he feels he is on a whirl wind and after what he read here on DIS- it's time to make a stand.

will it never end?

I'm so proud of your son, also.

Now, he needs to put his foot down and NOT let her move in with him. He needs to tell her she needs to stay at home with her parents. Oh please, oh please, oh please, Powers That Be, don't let her move in with him.

 

[Halbleib1]

I have a sister that got married very young as well. She was in her final year of high school and only 17 at the time. Her husband was 18 and in his first year of college. My parents reluctantly agreed to the wedding. They needed my parents agreement since she was still under age at the time. They only agreed because she would be turning 18 in a few months and they also had married really young. Once it was agreed upon that they would be marrying both sets of parents and the couple sat down together to talk marriage plans. Because both families did not have a lot of money and the couple did not have anything to contripute the parents decided to share expenses. The photographer was a family friend of the grooms. Their reception was in the church basement. Entertainment was provided by friends that could sing. There was no dancing since it was held in a Babtist church. The cake was made by another family friend and given as her wedding gift to the couple. My sisters dress came from a consignment shop and only cost $15.00 which included dry cleaning. Various members of our extended family donated food for the reception which my parents and the grooms parents prepared and was served by ladies of the church.

I am happy to report that my sister and her husband have just celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary.

My point with this whole post is that sometimes costs are shared by various people and that everything does not have to be traditionally done. You have to look at the circumstances surrounding your situation and decide from there how best to proceed. However the only way sharing the costs is really going to work is if everyone is on the same page and is practical about what each can really afford. Your future daughter in law and her mother are not being practical at all. It is not fair of them to be spending all that money on the wedding itself and not contributing anything to the reception. It sounds to me that just with what they are putting into the wedding that they could do the whole thing including the rehersal dinner if they would just be practical about what they really need to be putting money into. You can do a beautiful wedding on a tight budget. My sister had a beautiful wedding and so did my husband and I. Our wedding only cost us a total of $3000.00 of which we paid for the majority ourselves which included the rehersal dinner as well. We did not have a honeymoon as we could not afford one at the time. My husband took an extra day off from work and we did some local tourist stuff in Lancaster PA. We had always wanted to do some of that stuff and had never made the time before to do it. If her parents are spending all this money on the wedding and wanting you to pay for the reception what are they doing for a honeymoon?

I also agree with previous posters that your son needs to step up to the plate here and have a serious talk with his future bride about the practicality of "real" life. I can understand her wanting that dream princess wedding. Don't we all dream about that. But there has got to be a point when you face real life and get practical about it. Believe me I know how hard it is to give up on that dream that you have had in your mind since childhood. My wedding was not my "dream" wedding but it was still beautiful and more importantly affordable for us. Besides I know people that have spent thousands on their weddings only to divorce 2 years later and their weddings were not any more beautiful than those that had only spent a few thousand. I think it all comes down to what you spend the money on.

Good luck and I wish your son and his future wife all the best.

 

[cheshireqt]

I am so sorry, this has to be very emotional and stressful right now for you. I have not read all the posts so I apologize if I repeat or restate what someone else has already said:

---Etiquette-wise the BRIDES family pays for almost everything with a few exceptions. View this website by Emily Post:
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/etiquette/grooms/expenses.htm

I do not understand why the Bride's family is demanding that you pay for all these other things???? And especially if you offered certain things as a cost saving (ie the hall) why they would then think that means you pay 50% for their choices. If they are looking for a financial partner in these arrangements then their daughter needs to start working and help pay for her wedding.
I also do not understand why you would entertain for a minute paying for a wedding and rehearsal and reception and flowers and all the etcs when you do not agree with the wedding in the first place???
In fact you sound like you are, and should be, somewhat suspicious of these parents throwing their daughter at your son. It seems like they are more interested in passing her off to someone else and having them be responsible for her. Also they had him move in so the kids could save $ and then had him pay rent! I bet if you explored a bit you would find that he has "lent" them money and paid for other "household expenses" as well. It just seems like in your post you were saying that your son is in a bad situation and is being taken advantage of; but you have tried to respect his choice. Now this family is trying to suck the rest your family into their financial and parental irresponsibility. (I think letting a 20 year old move in with your 16 year old daughter is just ick).
So what you could do: plan a nice rehearsal dinner in the hall that you already have and then give your son a check for the amount you feel is fair and are comfortable with. Do not worry one bit about the fallout from the Bride's parents. You were not destined to get along with them anyway. They sound very outrageous and demanding and you seem very nice and someone who strives to do the right thing.
I hope for your sake that this whole thing falls through; but if it does not that your F-DIL will grow up a lot in the next few months.
Good luck and I really hope this works out for you.

 

[EthansMom]

What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out. My DS is just going to crap when he finds all this out. As he told me, he just wants things to slow down-he feels he is on a whirl wind and after what he read here on DIS- it's time to make a stand.

will it never end?

What is it with these parents that they are throwing their underage daughter at your son? Weird, weird, weird...

My advice to your son: Get your own place and don't have DF move in. If she really loves DS, she'll get used to having him not be around quite so much. Your DS needs to live the life that makes HIM happy, not tip-toe around trying to make DF and her family happy. Also, I'd tell DS to make sure he's taking care of any protection on his end 'cause I've known of several women/girls who stopped taking their BC when their relationships stopped going their way.

I really feel like this girl and her parents are pushing your DS into stuff that he might not be ready to do yet.

Good Luck!

 

[kaytieeldr]

What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out.

No. Just - no. If he has to - and can - get the landlord to add a clause to the lease restricting occupancy to ONE tenant, he needs to do that. Or, conversely, that ALL occupants need to sign the lease - and since she's a minor and cannot legally enter into a contract...

WHAT THE F is that girl thinking???? She's angry because he won't move back to first shift while living in her parents house, but she thinks she's going to be happy living with him in HIS house while he works second shift?

No. Just. No. Please. Let us know if you need help. I have at least a couple of 'extra' days vacation time. Of course, it'd be nice if you live either nearby or in some nice vacation destination

 

[srandsr76]

I am so sorry, this has to be very emotional and stressful right now for you. I have not read all the posts so I apologize if I repeat or restate what someone else has already said:

---Etiquette-wise the BRIDES family pays for almost everything with a few exceptions. View this website by Emily Post:
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/etiquette/grooms/expenses.htm

I do not understand why the Bride's family is demanding that you pay for all these other things???? And especially if you offered certain things as a cost saving (ie the hall) why they would then think that means you pay 50% for their choices. If they are looking for a financial partner in these arrangements then their daughter needs to start working and help pay for her wedding.
I also do not understand why you would entertain for a minute paying for a wedding and rehearsal and reception and flowers and all the etcs when you do not agree with the wedding in the first place???
In fact you sound like you are, and should be, somewhat suspicious of these parents throwing their daughter at your son. It seems like they are more interested in passing her off to someone else and having them be responsible for her. Also they had him move in so the kids could save $ and then had him pay rent! I bet if you explored a bit you would find that he has "lent" them money and paid for other "household expenses" as well. It just seems like in your post you were saying that your son is in a bad situation and is being taken advantage of; but you have tried to respect his choice. Now this family is trying to suck the rest your family into their financial and parental irresponsibility. (I think letting a 20 year old move in with your 16 year old daughter is just ick).
So what you could do: plan a nice rehearsal dinner in the hall that you already have and then give your son a check for the amount you feel is fair and are comfortable with. Do not worry one bit about the fallout from the Bride's parents. You were not destined to get along with them anyway. They sound very outrageous and demanding and you seem very nice and someone who strives to do the right thing.
I hope for your sake that this whole thing falls through; but if it does not that your F-DIL will grow up a lot in the next few months.
Good luck and I really hope this works out for you.

I agree with Emily Post ---when my DH and I got married we were 21 years old. My parent paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner and our honeymoon!!! DH's parents paid for those things - very traditional. I feel they are expecting you to do something out of the ordinary and you should sit down with them and set the expectations.

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think the FDIL and FILs sound really desperate! The FMIL should not be making deals/arrangements for your DS! I hope he sees this as a huge, blinking stop sign. She's trying to run the show now. What would his life be like later?

I'm wondering, has princess been engaged before? It makes you wonder why they want to dig their claws in deeper, instead of giving the space your DS needs.

 

[kgle]

What is it with these parents that they are throwing their underage daughter at your son? Weird, weird, weird...

My advice to your son: Get your own place and don't have DF move in. If she really loves DS, she'll get used to having him not be around quite so much. Your DS needs to live the life that makes HIM happy, not tip-toe around trying to make DF and her family happy. Also, I'd tell DS to make sure he's taking care of any protection on his end 'cause I've known of several women/girls who stopped taking their BC when their relationships stopped going their way.

I really feel like this girl and her parents are pushing your DS into stuff that he might not be ready to do yet.

Good Luck!

I completely agree and also want to add on to that.

It seems that your DS has been with this girl for the majority of his young adult life and has also been living with her while leading an "adult" life by paying rent and bills, etc. Has anyone told him to try to live his own life right now? Or stressed the importance? It looks like he is in the throes of it right now, but maybe needs a push. He is still so young and man oh man does life change (especially for a lot of young men) at age 21 (I even had an ex dump me before he turned 21 because he didn't want to be tied down to someone underage). While I definitely don't think, especially after your last update, that she is the right one for him, maybe he needs to get out on his own and just "do him" for a while ya know? He is so young, he shouldn't have to worry about supporting not only himself but also another person who obviously plans on contributing zilch to the relationship. He needs to be young! Take it from someone who had to grow up fast, by getting pregnant at 21. Its a different situation and while I don't regret any minute of the past 3 years, I sit and wonder what it would have been like if I was able to be carefree for a bit longer.

Keeps us updated! Her parents sound like maniacs!!

 

[kaytieeldr]

I agree with Emily Post

And it's not just Emily Post - EVERY wedding site and etiquette book will indicate that the groom's family is really responsible for just the rehearsal dinner:
http://weddings.about.com/od/getorganized/a/WhoPays.htm
http://www.ourmarriage.com/html/who_pays_for_what.html
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art6885
These two are a little less clear - they lump together the groom's responsibilities with his family's http://www.todays-weddings.com/articles/whopays.html and http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-...ding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx?MsdVisit=1

 

[Nie0214]

I am glad your son can read this with an open mind. Whatever he chooses to do should be something he wants, not what everyone else wants.

PS I wouldn't mind a second-shift guy around the house to shovel snow for me before I leave for work at 7.

 

[minnieandmickey]

She's a kid...someone was right earlier when they said she should be focusing on Prom and graduation not a wedding. My DH keeps teasing the reason the parents are wanting to marry her off so young is because they can't afford her anymore.

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read your original post. Your DS has his hands full that is for sure. Best of luck to him, he is going to need it.

 

[Jazcat]

Hi just my input I got married six years ago and did so on a budget. I still had the fairy tale wedding but on a lower price scale first I got married on a Sunday that saved 8 dollars a plate. I moved in with my mom to help pay for bills for the wedding since my mom could not give me money. My dad gave me three thousand and that was to pay for whatever everything else was my expense. I was blessed that my MIL worked at a florist so she payed for all the flowers but my FIL and his wife said they would not help at all, I understand that the bride pays for everthing but then when I invited only 60 people and my husband had to invite 150 they should have helped. So anyway only give your son a check for what you can afford

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I wish I could meet each of you in person...I WOULD HUG YOU TO DEATH!!!!

I called my son and he has read each and every reply. I think it was better that he heard it from all of us, not just me.

He really took everything everyone said to heart especially after the day he had at work. He was on first but was bumped to second shift today and all HEL* broke lose for him. She is throwing such a holy fit...telling him he will either have to get back on first or find a different job. And when he told her NO, I like my job we will just have to work around this becuase I'm not quitting she went into a tizzy. Let's just say it wasn't good.

When he came over, I left him read all the replies. From their age, the FILs, the princess attitude, what his life will be like, etc. That he actually went to look at a house to rent today. He doesn't feel comfortable coming back home since we are on first shift and he is now on second shift...he will be wound up afterwork and we will be in bed...he doesn't want to disturb us. Anyway, he went to look at this house and when it opens in 2 weeks he is going to take it.

Now for the fun part....he went home and talked to DGF and now she is totally flipping out. Just before he left to go to work, she was throwing things, screaming and crying because not only is he staying on second shift, he is wanting to rent his own place again. They would never have any time together except on the weekends.

What he doesn't know, FMIL just called me and said she is going to talk to FFIL to see if he will go along with DGF moving in with my son at the rental because DGF is distraught over DS moving out. My DS is just going to crap when he finds all this out. As he told me, he just wants things to slow down-he feels he is on a whirl wind and after what he read here on DIS- it's time to make a stand.

will it never end?

What did YOU say to her when she said this? Did you tell her that it wasn't a good idea? That maybe the kids need to take things a bit slower?

I am glad your son is getting his own place. I hope he stands strong and does what is best for both of them. Good luck!

 

[clh2]

To the OP - I was pleasantly surprised tonight to see what transpired with your DS today. While he won't be saving any money by moving into his own place, as opposed to yours, hopefully the distance and space from his girlfriend and their parents will allow him to clear his head.

I wish your son the best!!

And please warn your son about getting her pregnant. I would be so totally worried, as other posters have mentioned, about anything related to statuatory rape.

Tell him not to give her a key to the new place either.

 

[hentob]

My son works a full time job, she doesn't and says she will never work because (again) princesses don't work..

He was on first but was bumped to second shift today and all HEL* broke lose for him. She is throwing such a holy fit...telling him he will either have to get back on first or find a different job. And when he told her NO, I like my job we will just have to work around this becuase I'm not quitting she went into a tizzy.

So she doesn’t work/never plans to work, yet she wants to control where and when he works

I would be sickened if my son was involved with a lazy, worthless, brat like this

My heart goes out to you

Can he get counseling to pull himself away from this worthless, mind-game playing child? Does he have self esteem problems that need to be worked through? Why would he marry such an awful person?

Ugh. I hope he can escape, because if he doesn’t, it will end in either a divorce or a pathetic life

Run, Son-of-OP!! RUN!!!

 

[Debbie]

What is it with these parents that they are throwing their underage daughter at your son? Weird, weird, weird..

There doesn't appear to have been much parenting for this teenager. I think that it is time to call in Supernanny!

It seems that your DS has been with this girl for the majority of his young adult life and has also been living with her while leading an "adult" life by paying rent and bills, etc. Has anyone told him to try to live his own life right now? Or stressed the importance? It looks like he is in the throes of it right now, but maybe needs a push. He is still so young and man oh man does life change (especially for a lot of young men) at age 21 (I even had an ex dump me before he turned 21 because he didn't want to be tied down to someone underage). While I definitely don't think, especially after your last update, that she is the right one for him, maybe he needs to get out on his own and just "do him" for a while ya know? He is so young, he shouldn't have to worry about supporting not only himself but also another person who obviously plans on contributing zilch to the relationship. He needs to be young!.

I think that this is SOOOO true. Your son needs to find out who he is as an adult. And to do that, he needs time and space of his own. BTW, the princess needs that, too. She needs to be out on her own, earning her own keep, learning who she IS. Unfortunately, it appears as though her parents don't want to push that, so it is a moot point. Hopefully your son can understand that not only is it his right to be on his own, it is necessary before he commits-to anyone-that he give himself time to be himself, to be unencumbered by responsibilites other than food and rent.. (I personally believe we all need that before we get married. )