Lying KIDS!!!!!!!

[lukenick1]

First off, lying is my pet peeve. I HATE liars. How did I get blessed with 2 liar kids????? My ds's are 7 & 9. My oldest is the worst liar it scares me because he believes his own lies. I've been in a situation with him where I witnessed something and he still insist thats not what happened. Does he need counseling??? Yesterday there was a pack of crackers on the floor and when I asked who put them there neither one of them confessed. I guess they walked there by themselves. Both of them stuck to their guns and blamed each other. Wish I could get thru to them. I will never trust or believe them, how can I??????

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think I'm in the minority here, but kids will lie. It's natural. It's almost a knee-jerk reaction to lie your way out of getting in trouble. Heck, most adults will lie first before telling the truth. It's a self-preservation thing. My DD lies and she's really good at it. Sometimes I don't even know she's lying, so I do a little further investigation when I can. Last time she lied and I caught her, I punished her for a 3 day weekend and took away her cell phone. I think it left a lasting impression, at least for the moment. If they don't confess, I'd punish them both.

 

[monkeybug]

If it makes you feel any better, both of my brothers and I were excellent liars as kids, it was pretty much our past time to lie to my parents, and now we are all very honest adults. Maybe we got it out of our systems?
I can't speak for my younger brother, but my older brother and I were talking about it, and we have decided that the benefit of all that lying is that we are pretty good at detecting lies now. Hopefully that means my kids don't stand a chance...probably just means they will be even better at lying than I was.
I am still a very good liar, but now I just use my skills to win balderdash and to tell people I like their haircut when I don't.
And my brother was like your son. He would swear something didn't happen even if you were standing there to witness it. So frustrating!!!!

 

[golfgal]

All kids lie and if you think your child doesn't you just haven't caught them yet.

 

[padams]

Would love to hear others' ideas...

 

[monkeybug]

Wish I could get thru to them. I will never trust or believe them, how can I??????

What about the strongest weapon in the Mom arsenal...guilt! It doesn't work with every kid, but it might be worth a shot.
You say something like-
"I trusted your judgement on this, you are so smart and I know you are capable of making better decisions than this. I'm angry, but more than anything I'm disappointed and feel let down. I hope you can make a better choice next time."

Telling them you labored for 48 hours and ate the burnt part of dinner for 10 years probably won't work until they are older.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I expect kids to lie and I expect to have to teach them how to accept responsibility but I also pick my battles. My kids would both have to clean up the mess and then we would have a long drawn out talk about responsibility, consideration, disappointment ect. My kids hate these talks so they are the best form of punishment I have

 

[NikitaZee]

It's not that you have two 'liar kids' - all kids lie. It's a natural part of their development. I agree with the long talks about responsibility and disappointment - my kids hate them too. Doesn't automatically stop all lying - but little by little, it gets less and less. I remember my parents would punish both my brother and me when something happened and neither one of us owned up to it - that tactic didn't work in our household. Only now, as adults, are we learning who really did what when we were kids!

 

[lukenick1]

I think the best solution for me to try would be reverse psychology. Just say...."I know your telling the truth because you love me and would never hurt me by lying". Most of the time I stoop to their level and drag it on arguing about it. I'm officially DONE!!!! I'm not gonna lie, it will be hard to pretend.

 

[monkeybug]

I think the best solution for me to try would be reverse psychology. Just say...."I know your telling the truth because you love me and would never hurt me by lying". Most of the time I stoop to their level and drag it on arguing about it. I'm officially DONE!!!! I'm not gonna lie, it will be hard to pretend.

Oh good one!!!
In my house we call those "Jedi Mom tricks"

 

[agnes!]

Maybe you should knock something of theirs on the floor and lie about it...often liars (like red-light runners) expect everybody else to do the right thing (like tell the truth or stop for red lights). See how they like being lied to.

Other than that, I got nothing...pick your battles.

agnes!
PS - Was this a whole box of crackers that made a huge mess or was it just a small single pack? Am wondering what the scale of messiness or destruction was.

 

[Kathi OD]

I'm w/ the others, most kids lie, or will at least try. They don't want to get in trouble and they know that you're going to be disappointed, so they tell stories.

It's your job to figure out a way to make them understand that lying is unacceptable. What works with one child might not work w/ the other.

My two oldest were close together and I tried the punishing them both tactic. It worked because the younger one had a very strong sense of what was "fair," at least when it affected him. So if he were guilty, he'd suck it up and just accept the punishment. If he were the innocent party, he carried on like crazy. The older one didn't care so much about being punished for something she didn't do. I guess she figured she was getting punished for something she did, but didn't get caught at. However, she was heavily influenced by the guilt trip. All I had to say was that I would be disappointed if I found out she were lying and I'd get the truth.

I also made sure that they knew if I found out they were lying about something that the punishment would be MUCH worse than if they just told the truth to begin with, and I kept my word.

There are quite a few years between the 2 older kids and the youngest. He had the luxury of observing his older siblings and saw how things went if you lied, especially about stupid things. For the most part he decided that telling the truth was the easier path to take. Even as a young adult he usually tells me the negative things he's done before I find out from someone else.

 

[jt'smom]

don't worry too much about your boys, chances are they will grow up to be brilliant politicians

 

[Michelle and crew]

I agree that it is a knee jerk reaction. So, I would give my kids the opportunity to rethink their answer for a few minutes. It usually got through the crazy "gotta hide" foolishness. I don't penalize for the initial lie.

 

[MushyMushy]

I agree with those who say it's a natural part of development. They'll outgrow it.

 

[MushyMushy]

Oh and I just want to add that I think my son is hilarious -- he has such a "lying face!" When he's telling a lie, his mouth slightly opens and he shakes his head back and forth slightly. Even at 19, I can catch him in his lying face. Both kids think I'm psychic... or maybe even a little psycho.

 

[Andy B]

Well I do not think that all children lie, either my children are very good or I know nothing.

 

[golfgal]

Oh and I just want to add that I think my son is hilarious -- he has such a "lying face!" When he's telling a lie, his mouth slightly opens and he shakes his head back and forth slightly. Even at 19, I can catch him in his lying face. Both kids think I'm psychic... or maybe even a little psycho.

Both my boys do this too. I would ask them if they want to change their answer-they usually did .

 

[NotUrsula]

It's not a character flaw -- they are kids, and trying to avoiding trouble is instinctive for kids. Eventually they learn about the morality of honesty, but it takes a LONG time.

If I might make a suggestion that could lessen your frustration? Stop trying to get them to confess, especially if you already know what happened or who did what. You are inviting them to lie, and just setting them up to dig themselves in deeper and compound the problem, and in so doing you upset yourself far more than you teach them. The whole idea that confession is good for the soul is TOTALLY lost on children; the idea is too complex for them. (I've noticed that people who are really morally offended by lies of any kind always seem to want to try to elicit confessions from wrongdoers before any lie ever actually happens. I think that it's very counterproductive in most circumstances.)

Next time, try something like, "OK, the person who spilled these crackers on the kitchen floor has 5 minutes to get your tush in here and start cleaning it up, or TV will be gone for you both all weekend." That approach gives the culprit the opportunity to make amends without getting in real trouble at all; and you may be able to avoid the issue of lying altogether. (Giving them a short time to start the work gives the kid who didn't do it the opportunity to threaten dire consequences against the one who did, if he/she is going to cause them both to get punished, or to bribe the other one to do the work -- in either case, the goal is to get the mess-maker to get the mess cleaned up; not to force a confession out of the perpetrator.)

Obviously, this strategy isn't appropriate for something really egregious and obviously morally wrong, like torturing an animal. However, for something petty like making a mess, it's a very good option.

 

[mdsoccermom]

A bit dramatic over a pack of crackers, don't you think? Yes, believe it or not, all kids experiment with lying at some point. Your kids are just the right ages. It's not as if they're 16 and lying about where they've been or who they've been with.

If no one confessed, I would have just picked up the crackers and said, since neither one of you will 'fess up, then neither one of you can have (insert consequence here - tv, crackers, friends over, etc). Chances are someone would have spoke up real fast which would have lead to a discussion about lying.

But to say you'll never trust your kids? Give me a break.