Love for sale!

[wallyb]

Here a stat I found shocking-
Today up to 90 percent of marriages in India and
60 percent of all marriages in the world are arranged.
and
They can be confident about the success of their arranged marriage –
just 5 to 7 percent end in divorce, compared with a
50 percent of American marriages made for love

(Form a 20/20 episode on love)

How would you feel about an arranged gay marriage?

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I have a young Muslim friend, and she has just become engaged. It's an arrangement of sorts, in that she didn't know him, or meet him by virtue of her own choice. He was introduced through family connections...

There is no physical attraction as you and I understand it (well, I think we do ) but she fully intends to marry this person.

I simply can't get my head around it. I respect it. But it's just too foreign a concept for me. So whether gay or straight, it wouldn't work for me.

 

[wallyb]

I know!

Can you imagine your parents picking out your mate!

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

Dear God, knowing how my father used to tease me about how he thought that he should marry me off to this little boy named Andy Smith, I am so thankful that I was born here and not somewhere in India or elsewhere where the custom of arranged marriages would have had me trapped in some sort of arrangement of misery.

Andy Smith was, bless his heart, an ugly kid that was the son of the man who was the owner of the junkyard. They were dirt poor and lived in the trailer park. He made C's, D's, & F's in school. Personality wise, if you could stand the smell of him, he was the sweetest kid that you would ever want to meet, but he had a lot of strikes against him. The girl that seemed to have a crush on him also lived in the trailer park. Her name was April Dawn Day. They were equals in almost every way.

I sometimes wonder if my father teasing me about marrying me off to Andy had anything to do with me being a lesbian.

 

[MonorailMan]

I know!

Can you imagine your parents picking out your mate!

I can't even imagine my parents picking out a good restaurant.

I guess married men and women in India are each expected to have specific roles from day 1. Love isn't necessarily the focus (at first). It's more about becoming "successful" at life.....or at least their version of "successful". Whereas westerners want their perfect ideal love. Unfortunately after spending a short time in a relationship we learn that there's no such thing as a perfect person......although some people never learn that (i.e. 50% of Americans, apparently) and decide they can't live with them.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Interesting.. well I am on the American married team.. 39 years to the same man and believe me it was not always easy.....you have to work at it.

 

[mykidsintow]

Marriages are WORK. America is a disposable society. If something breaks we go buy new. If a marriage isn't great, just throw it away. Heck I am living through a divorce right now.... However, it takes 2 people willing to WORK. Other cultures are so drastically different, I can completely believe the statistics.

I am now a statistic. Really irks me.

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

Corey and I have been together for almost 10 years now. I was in two LTR's before I met her...one lasted almost 6 years and the other was just under 2 years.

I really do believe that I found my soulmate. We are incredibly different creatures, but we just fit. Yes, the relationship is work. I think that she is totally worth every bit of it, heck, so am I. The worst parts of my adult life have been during those break up periods. I'm too old for that crap. lol

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Good g-d, wallyb! Love my parents though I do, pick out my mate? FOR LIFE??? I begged my mother to stop buying me clothing for presents when I was in my teens. Does that tell you how much we DON'T share the same tastes?

Then wouldn't it rather follow that they'd select someone like themselves or their respective partner? My Da and I have NEVER been on the same team for ANYTHING. NOT a good idea.

I think that perhaps marriage is a different concept all together, in those cultures where arranged marriages are the norm.

Remember in Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye and his wife are singing the duet about loving one another? Tevye asks Golda, "Do you love me?" She doesn't tolerate the question well, telling him all the things she has done... I think that is a good example, albeit a cheesy musical one. LOL. (Well, I do like FotR. It's one of the few musicals I do like).

All that to say, I guess you've got to be of that type of culture to truly understand.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Isn't the penalty for divorce something like DEATH in countries with arranged marriages? That might explain the high success rate!

I have no clue what sort of catastrophe my marriage would be if my parents had chosen my DH.

My mother chose my father for her mate, and he was a mean, narcissistic, controlling, alcoholic. Don't think I want one like him for myself, thank you very much!

When I was in high school one of my guy friends was caught in an undercover drug sting. My father wanted me to date the guy, because my father insisted he was a cop, not a student caught in the sting. Um, no, after the sting it was pretty common knowledge who the undercover narcotics officers were. My friend was really a very small time dealer.

When I first started dating DH my mom went to the store where he worked to scope him out. She came home and said "You don't like him." Really? Huh. Because we have been together over 18 years now!

 

[npmommie]

Dear God, knowing how my father used to tease me about how he thought that he should marry me off to this little boy named Andy Smith, I am so thankful that I was born here and not somewhere in India or elsewhere where the custom of arranged marriages would have had me trapped in some sort of arrangement of misery.

Andy Smith was, bless his heart, an ugly kid that was the son of the man who was the owner of the junkyard. They were dirt poor and lived in the trailer park. He made C's, D's, & F's in school. Personality wise, if you could stand the smell of him, he was the sweetest kid that you would ever want to meet, but he had a lot of strikes against him. The girl that seemed to have a crush on him also lived in the trailer park. Her name was April Dawn Day. They were equals in almost every way.

I sometimes wonder if my father teasing me about marrying me off to Andy had anything to do with me being a lesbian.

oh Lindy your andy smith story has me laughing so hard!!!!!! I can't stop! It just sounds like the setup for some kind of comedy movie!

 

[RAPstar]

Good g-d, wallyb! Love my parents though I do, pick out my mate? FOR LIFE??? I begged my mother to stop buying me clothing for presents when I was in my teens. Does that tell you how much we DON'T share the same tastes?

Then wouldn't it rather follow that they'd select someone like themselves or their respective partner? My Da and I have NEVER been on the same team for ANYTHING. NOT a good idea.

I think that perhaps marriage is a different concept all together, in those cultures where arranged marriages are the norm.

Remember in Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye and his wife are singing the duet about loving one another? Tevye asks Golda, "Do you love me?" She doesn't tolerate the question well, telling him all the things she has done... I think that is a good example, albeit a cheesy musical one. LOL. (Well, I do like FotR. It's one of the few musicals I do like).

All that to say, I guess you've got to be of that type of culture to truly understand.

Off topic, but your Fiddler on the Roof reference made me think of the revival and having Harvey Fierestien and Rosie O'Donnell playing Tevye and Golda. That still just makes me giggle for all the wrong reasons.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

"Off topic, but your Fiddler on the Roof reference made me think of the revival and having Harvey Fierestien and Rosie O'Donnell playing Tevye and Golda. That still just makes me giggle for all the wrong reasons."

Oh but I loved it..

I am thinking out loud about someone who worked with one of my daughters.. from India, and he was upper class.. they arranged a marriage, she came, they married and she was unhappy.....not immediately but after a while.. she was sent home in disgrace and I have no idea what happened after that but the discussions that ensued between my daughter and the husband were interesting.......he was ticked and she was disgraced..

 

[DVCajun]

I've seen similar statistics, and I think they actually make sense.

The expectations in the two types of marriages are widely disparate. In a romantic/love match, the expectation is that the parties have found someone who will contribute to their overall happiness. Everyone would have different ideas of what that happiness would entail, but in general I think that "happiness" is a big motivator in our western love matches.

I would think the expectations in an arranged marriage have more to do with family and social pressures, and likewise the rewards come from outside the marital relationship (beyond the obvious rewards of children, etc.). If the couple "grows to love" one another, that's gravy.

So, if a couple in an arranged marriage don't achieve the level of happiness that is an expectation in a romantic match, it's not going to drive them to divorce because they didn't expect to receive that in the first place.

In addition, and perhaps more importantly, the female partner is given no power, either prior to or after the marriage. That's bound to create harmony.

Thanks, but I'll take my love match.

"Staying together" doesn't constitute "success," imho.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

I was SO expecting something different in this thread... something along the lines of "Recession Hits Boston Art Scene Hard"...

I have several engineer friends here in the US from both Muslim and Hindu cultures and their "semi"-arranged marriages seem fine. When I say "semi", it's not like both parties never met and they couldn't say no if the situation was totally unacceptable.

 

[MonorailMan]

I agree that all relationships take work, even some friendships. The ones that take a bit too much work are the ones that tend to go sour. It's too bad that there are so many people who, when someone does something that doesn't coincide with one's own point of view, they throw their hands up and say (*does valley girl voice), "What...EVAR!", and leave.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I agree. I think that a relationship (barring those types of issues as alcohol abuse, drug abuse, physical abuse...) requires constant work. If there is a disagreement over a fundamental matter within the relationship, it takes two people who are totally willing to continue together to work it out.

It's hard work. Staying together for years is not necessarily indicative of a good relationship, eh? It is those couples who truly give a darn about one another, who are willing to work through tough things, who understand that they are better off with their partner than without their partner that go on to have those close, and loving long term relationships.

By better off together I don't mean financially. LOL. I mean better off with the PERSON in one's life.

It is a different cultural position than those where arranged marriages (or partially arranged) are the norm, for sure!

 

[rpmdfw]

Wait, wait, wait!

Are you telling me that all marriages aren't one man, one woman, joined in love for the creation of children? And that this isn't the SOLE tradition of marriage of mankind going back THOUSANDS of years to the beginning of time?

How can that be?

I'm constantly being bombarded with the message that there is only ONE kind of marriage, and that there has only ever been ONE kind of marriage!

You all must be talking crazy!

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Wait, wait, wait!

Are you telling me that all marriages aren't one man, one woman, joined in love for the creation of children? And that this is the SOLE tradition of marriage of mankind going back THOUSANDS of years to the beginning of time?

How can that be?

I'm constantly being bombarded with the message that there is only ONE kind of marriage, and that there has only ever been ONE kind of marriage!

You all must be talking crazy!

AMEN, my Brother!!!!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Too much Super Bowl food. Clearly it's addled my brain.