Looking for some aspie advice

worm761

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Hi all! I don't post here very often but I do read. My DS is 12 years old, will be 13 in May. He is an aspie. We are having a problem that I just can't seem to find a solution to. It is personal hygiene. He just doesn't get it or doesn't care. I can't figure out which one. He takes a shower in less than 10 minutes. Of course if you don't use soap or shampoo, it doesn't take that long. We send him back. We smell him to make sure you smells of soap and shampoo. We check his toothbrush. We make him do everything twice because he doesn't do it the first time. Can anyone help? Is there some way to get through to him that he HAS to use soap AND shampoo EVERY time he showers? I bought the stuff for his teeth that makes his teeth blue and he has to brush all the blue away. I buy him the toothpaste he wants, the toothbrush he wants. I buy the J&J soap that is a bar wrapped in a cloth. I buy the expensive but fun shampoo. I do everything I can think of to get him to do what needs to be done. He likes a girl in school and even explaining that She won't like him if he stinks, has bad breath, whatever, just doesn't affect him. Any advice for me?

Oh and does anyone have a book recommendation for both this issue and for puberty that he could read?
 
Phase 1

Realize that this is a very common situation; it is easier to deal with than the other extreme, if he is doing an effective job of cleaning himself up after the bathroom you are ahead of the game.

Phase 2 (I will play devils advocate for this one)

Lets see, he “has” to do all these things that you talk about, well the human species survived until recent history without any of these things and even in current time there is a large part of the world population who “survives” without any of these “social niceties”. English culture is particularly “phobic” about “smells” and cleanliness, as we are consumed by endless other superficial social areas like fashion, appearance, the newest trendiest item and so forth while we only give a small percentage of that level of thought and efforts to the trivializes of injustice, discrimination, famine, war or just helping others in our own community who are in need. And look at all the benefits of hygiene, you can be in crowed places and people will want to come close to you, talk and socialize with you (typically about social trivialities), wow !!! every aspies’ “dream”. Oh yea a 10 minute shower is a bout 2x as long as it takes to get clean if your are “efficient”, and yes the “repeat” part of “lather, rinse, repeat” shampoo instruction is just a way to get you to use more product unless your hair is exceptionally dirty.

Phase 3 (done with the aspie sarcasm, for the most part)

The first thing to do is to stop thinking like an NT and let go of the overwhelming drive to dive to socialize as the basis for the world. I know this is hard since it is hard wired in and./or ingrained from birth and as the NASA extended space travel studies have shown a rapid determination in mental health occurs with out it for NTs. Then do some analysis with your child about the “true” impact of hygiene on his life. Social superficialities are rarely part of the equation, even his interest in “girlfriends” at his age may not have much practical impact, especially since it is common for them to be a “girl friend” long before they become a romantic girlfriend

As always take sensory sensitivities into account, and adjust for them as possible.

You need to find a way for him to “buy into” the process of “socially standard hygiene” (to the greatest extent that he is willing to). After that depending on EF issues you he may need some supports (a step by step check off chart in the bathroom is one of the best ways).

My DS9 Aspergers, has always had a difficult time with tooth brushing, both the texture and taste of toothpaste is an issue. Our dentist decides that brushing without toothpaste for a reasonable amount of time was more beneficial than very short times with toothpaste. Of course we had over time gone over all benefits of tooth brushing and it helped a little but could not overcome the sensory issue. One day last summer there was a show on the TV about dental care, which was very direct and informative, DS watched it but I did not think much of it. The next day I had to stop him from brushing (with toothpaste) after about 10 minutes. Obviously there was something in the show that was “logical and applicable” to him, you never know what will do the trick.

As to a book “Freaks, Geeks & Aspergers Syndrome by Luke Jackson might be something you want to look at. Really the better informed he becomes about what it is at the core to be Aspergers (or an aspie) the better able he will be to make thoughtful and informed choices about how he chooses to adapt to Neurotypical society. For this peer support groups are good and as always Tony Attwood’s “The Complete Guide to Aspergers C2007 is a must read when he is mature enough to put it in “perspective”.

bookwormde
 
How about creating consequences for not showering correctly the first time? No computer time unless you have used soap and shampoo in the shower.

The problem with 'not thinking like a NT' is that while someone can come up with a logical reason to do just about anything, that doesn't solve the problem. It's more like an excuse why not to do something. I mean, I could think of a very logical reason to do something very violent and illegal, doesn't make it right to do so.

It also helps to not divide the world into labeled categories like "NT" and "Aspie" (which just sounds like a breed of dog to me, sorry). No one is a perfect 'neurotypical' human being, there are variations across the whole spectrum of humans, not just the autism spectrum, and the constant labeling of people as to what they cannot do just enables the situation.

So, to the OP, yes your son can learn to use appropriate grooming techniques for this day and age, as that its the time frame we are living in. Have you asked him why he doesn't use the soap the first time? Have you taken him to the store to let him pick out what he likes?
 
I don't have any first hand knowledge, as I don't have a child that is differently abled but I would like to mention that I believe this is fairly common with most pre-teens and teens. I have to be on my DD13 all the time to "remind" her to brush her teeth, push to take a shower 'cause sometimes she just "forgets".
 

As a little girl about 7 to 10, not sure when but after age 5 I would get naked then set on a soft bath rug and wait until bath time was over. I dampened the towels so be warned that just because he smells of soap and does not mean he is doing it right. Oh the joy of kids. I love hot baths but it is a sensory issue with the after bath feel at times. I used to love baths as I would play in the tub and have fun like an otter, lol. Sneaky kids can avoid bath time.
 
I have an Aspie who's the exact same age as the OP's. We make him take a shower every day and the biggest thing was gettting the routine going.

As for the teeth, we've never had a problem with it, but he did get called out by our hygentist this past appointment for not doing a good enough job at brushing(first time that's happened).



My typical almost 8 yr old, puts up more of a fight about getting in the shower. Right now he's on the flossing 2x day since his 1st grade class had a visit from a dentist last week. And he wants to go to the dentist now! Had to point out his last appt. was in December.
 
My 14yo Aspie loves lists. When he was younger, I made a list for the shower (after noticing that he would get in and out without washing at all!). It went something like this:

turn water on
pull lever to turn the shower on
get in shower
wet hair and body
shampoo hair (look for bottle that says, "Shampoo")
rinse hair
(and so on)

This was laminated and taped into the shower. You might be able to do the same, but add a clock next to it and place times on the list (ex: shampoo hair--2 minutes)

DS also uses an 2 minute hourglass timer when brushing his teeth.
 
Thank you for the ideas. We have lists all over the house. He "forgets" everything. He also has ADHD and we are still trying to find a med that works for him. I hate medicating but without it he is lost. He is so easily distracted it isn't funny. We are working on personal hygiene and manners. For some odd reason he seems to have forgotten all of them. though I think the manners and attitude are just his age. Sometimes I cannot tell the normal kids stuff from the Asperger's stuff.

Bookworme~ thanks for the book suggestions. I will look for them.
 
I wish I could help but DS is 16 and I am still fighting with him over his hygiene. Tooth brushing is spotty, and I have to watch him do it or he won't, and showers are not for washing apparently. He usually smells like a goat that's been dead for two weeks. :scared: DS 8 is the opposite. He's one clean kid.

Hang in there! :)
 
My 14yo Aspie loves lists. When he was younger, I made a list for the shower (after noticing that he would get in and out without washing at all!). It went something like this:

turn water on
pull lever to turn the shower on
get in shower
wet hair and body
shampoo hair (look for bottle that says, "Shampoo")
rinse hair
(and so on)

This was laminated and taped into the shower. You might be able to do the same, but add a clock next to it and place times on the list (ex: shampoo hair--2 minutes)

DS also uses an 2 minute hourglass timer when brushing his teeth.
we did the same and it was very effective. We also gave rewards when this was done correctly.
 
My husband has Asperger's and there are times when he fights off the shower like you wouldn't believe. Then, there are also times when he'll shower twice a day!

When he is fighting it, what we've found works best is to turn it into a game for him. We time his showers, and he tries to beat his best time. He also tries to get dressed in under 60 seconds. J tends to get so absorbed in things (most often whatever's going on in his own head!) he completely forgets what he's doing or what's going on around him. Giving him a goal to focus on, beating his own time, keeps him from getting sidetracked.

Since your son seems to want a short shower, and you want him to do it correctly, maybe trying something like that would help.

Also, my husband has very sensitive skin, and tends to go into sensory overload at times. Just the thought of having to dry off his skin with a towel can be too much for him. Maybe there is a reason similar to that with your son?
 
Saveaquarter,

Welcome, your husband is lucky to have a wife who understands him so well, mixed marriages can be difficult without this. My wife still shakes her head many things (that I do and do not do) even though she is well educated about the Autism spectrum.

WOW soon to arrive twins, children are a wonderful gift, have fun.

bookwormde
 
Saveaquarter,

Welcome, your husband is lucky to have a wife who understands him so well, mixed marriages can be difficult without this. My wife still shakes her head many things (that I do and do not do) even though she is well educated about the Autism spectrum.

WOW soon to arrive twins, children are a wonderful gift, have fun.

bookwormde

Oh believe me, there are still times when I shake my head and wonder, but I really do try. I still frustrate the hell out of him sometimes! He's a great man and the way he thinks and functions absolutely fascinates me.
 












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