Looking for moral support

[PartyofSix]

I just need a place that's a safe harbor to vent my feelings here and possibly get some moral support. I'm 34 and my husband and i have been married for 10 years this may. We have 4 wonderful kids just to give you back ground. We own our own business and we struggle with money like everyone else. We are renewing our vows this May. When we married which was my second marriage we stayed engaged for over two years and did it at the j.p. locally. No picutures, family or friends attended. No cake no honeymoon no nothing. We have beens saving for months now and have most everything paid for our renewal. We are gonna do a beach side destination renewal in a gulf coast florida town 5 hrs away. So that will be our honeymoon too. We have already got the bm and gm in order rooms are booked ect... We will be doing the whole deal i'm wearing a formal dress, professional pictures, reception, cake everything. Now here's my problem. My dad is very well off and we are close. I'm scared to ask him and my step mom to come. The first marriage i had was a church formal affair i was only 18 and dad did'nt give me away it was an uncle. He was not upset with me or not that i can remember and we became even closer. My dad has always shown affection with money not time if you can understand that. He's always been busy all my life even as a child. I have three step brothers and they have had two wedding each for two of them one remains single. My dad and step mom footed the bill for those 4 weddings and attended them. All i want is for my dad to walk me down the boardwalk when we renew our vows in May. I'm just so afraid he's gonna turn me down. I have one other sister who is not in either of our lifes and has made a mess of hers. He sees how hard my husband and i work and how dedicated we are to our kids but he's so muc different and he might not understand what this renewal means to us. I will just be hearbroken if he refuses. Money for hotel and travel is not an issue with him and i just can not bring myself to ask them to come. My step mother and i get along but are not close by anymeans. He's always telling me how she hates to ride for trips. But they travel twice a year to places 6-8 hours away! I fear he'll blame this traveling bug on her. I just don't know how to even approach them. He works all during the week long hours and on the weekends i'm home with my kids. Dad's one of these people that likes to talk face to face. I'm just a wreck about putting this off. I already have save the date invites all ready to go out but i can't feel right mailing them out until i talk to them. I know i'm being silly but this means so much to me and it will be my only chance to have some wedding pictures for my kids and it would just complete the event for me to have him there. My mom is not going to attend so that should'nt put him off. I'm just worried my step mother would knock a hole in this for me. My husband thinks we should ask in front of my step brothers during a sunday supper we do at his house and he would'nt dare say no in front of them. My step brothers are great and i want to invite them too but i can't say a word to them until i ask dad. Ohhhhhhhh what to do. I just don't have the nerve to go get rejected esp in front of my step mother.

 

[onecoolmama]

Why dont you call your dad and tell him how important it is that he be there for you. If he plays the "stepmom wont travel" card. Ask him to come solo. Just tell him that it is extremely important to you that he walk you down the isle and how important his relationship with you is. If he still doesn't get it...then know in your heart that it is very hard to change other people and if he is a money guy...he is a money guy. Then just take the money he offers you and know in your heart that you are doing a much better job with your kids...and focus on building those relationships.

It is much easier said then done and being rejected by your father is soooo hard. (Believe me, I was rejected for years while my brother got trips and special outings) The bottom line is, at least if yu ask you will have been true to yourself...and that is all you can be! GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

[PartyofSix]

Thank you so much for your support and great advise. I had'nt thought of throwing the solo truimph card at him. I really appreciate your understanding and kinds words. Thank you so much i'm struggling with this and it's eating at hard i need to get it over with.

 

[WDWLVR]

Tammy - here are some {{{hugs}}} to start you off.

First and foremost remember that the most important thing that day is your renewal to your DH. It sounds like you have both worked very hard to create a strong and loving family. That should be your highest priority - having them around you.

As for your father - maybe you can set up some alone time with him. Let him know how important this is to you. Let him know how happy you would be if he were a part of it.

By all means don't let an answer of no ruin this for you. The day is for you and your DH - that is first and foremost. The fact that you have 4 wonderful children to share it with makes it that much sweeter.

If others, including your father, are there that is just more icing on the cake.

Good luck and congratulations on 10 wonderful years of marriage.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Hi Tammy. I read through your thoughts and dilemma you think you are in. I think onecoolmama has great thoughts, can't think of any more that would be helpful. I do want to give you my support and encouragement though, in whatever you find the way to go, and congratulate you both very much on the upcoming renewal, sounds absolutely wonderful. And you guys will both look stunning with your new WISH looks, I know. Congratulations again, to you both on that accord also.



Dan

 

[TigH]

Tammy, you have me in tears! ((((((((((((((((Tammy))))))))))))))

I know how important this is to you. I think you need to ask him sooner than later, so if things don't work out how you want them to then you will have time to feel your way through your emotions and be prepared for your big day. I am keeping my fingers crossed that your "dream come true" will happen exactly like you want it. Sometimes we can make things worse in our mind than they really are. I'm sure once you ask him you will feel better, and it will be a great stress relief to get this over and done with so you can move on with the other wedding preparations.

Good luck!!!

 

[DoeWDW]

Oh, Tammy, my heart is breaking for you. Here's a and some that all will work out well for you.

Is there any way you can talk to your step-mother about how important this is to you? I know you are not close to her, but how could she keep your dad away if she saw how very much it would mean to you to have him there? Tell her you want her to be a part of things as well, if there's some way to do that. Show her how excited you are about all the plans. She'd have to be pretty hard-hearted to say no if you've shared some of your plans and excitement with her.

I do agree that your day should be about you and your DH - a celebration of 10 wonderful years together and many more to come, shared with your 4 beautiful children. If your dad doesn't come, it will be HIS loss, sweetie!

Best of luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[Pooh93]

I hope all works out for you. As others have said, explain to him how much it means to you (the way you told us) to have him walk you down the aisle. I can't imagine any father refusing his daughter that special moment. If he doesn't come through, don't let it ruin the day that you and your dh have worked so hard for. You will be blessed and have the people around you that mean the most. Let us know.

 

[sk8belle]

I bet your dad will be honored to walk you down the aisle. If you are nervous about asking him in front of your step-mom, take him to lunch or dinner one day (that is, if you live close enough to him for this to be feasible). I hope it works out for you. Have a wonderful renewal ceremony.

 

[Robinrs]

Tammy:

You and Dub are so special. I will never forget the afternoon we spent with you and your incredible children. What I didn't tell you about was the conversation I had with your nanny.

She told me what I believe about you. She told me that you and Dub have done so much for so many people that you will ALWAYS be blessed. I continue to believe you have been and will continue to be.

Realize who and what you are and what you've done and expect and receive blessings from God. Only He matters and He sees what you've done and who you are. Give it to Him and let Him take care of your Dad. We can spend hours trying to change people but we are not equipped to do it. And only we can stop allowing human beings to define us. As much as you love your Dad he is human and we cannot control what he does. We can only control how we react to it.

I know how hard it is but I have to reiterate WDWLVR. Concentrate on your life and Dub and your girls and your unbelievable accomplishments, pat yourself on the back and know that whatever happens. you are BLESSED!

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[Pin Wizard]

Don't be afraid to ask him. The worst thing he could say is no. And if he did that, he would be missing a lot! I'm sure he would be thrilled to give you away!

 

[Serena]

My .02 is to go to him, talk to him alone, tell him your plans for the renewal, tell him how much it means to you, and then tell him that it would mean a lot if he would walk you down the aisle.

Don't wait, it'll feel worse the longer you stress about it. Don't have an audience, it would put your dad and you in an embarrassing situation regardless.

And most of all, don't base your happiness for that day on whether or not your dad walks you down that aisle. This day is for you and your wonderful hubby. That's most important.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I would say you have to ask him. If you don't it will bug you forever, right?
I would not ask him in front of others though. I would probably ask him private and explain how much this would mean to you.

Good Luck and Congratulations!

 

[PartyofSix]

You guys are so awesome. Your family's are so lucky to have each of you in there lives and i'm proud i can come here and get this kind of support from my dis friends. Robin i will never for get you and Micheal either it was a lovely time. And our nanny is wonderful we love her so much. Wdwlvr thanks for the great support and understand you offered as did every one else. I feel so supported and my WISH buddy's have found me and offered me so many hugs it just warms my heart so. I am going to talk to my husband when he gets back from the grocery shopping with the kids in a bit and see what he thinks about giving (me ofcourse) given dad a call or going to see him today.) I'm ready to lift this off me and get on with it. I've been in HEAVY planning mode for over 2 months now and feel so guilty to have not even mentioned it to him. Now thinking back to may of last year i know i have mentioned it to Merlene (step mother). That if all goes well we'd like to renew our vows that was about the meat of it though. She's not evil to me or anything she just does'nt care for me or like me and excludes me from family outtings her children which are older like myself are involved in and invited to. Regardless my step brothers love and me and are very nice to me and like my husband very much and always ask where where ya'll at? When they go some place we don't get asked to go. Anyways there's no chance she will pull for me and i really can't see my dad doing it only because he's never shown interest in weddings esp my first one. I'm gonna keep my chin up and i'll let you guys know what happens i'd love to get this over with today it's wearing on me.

 

[Rajah]

No advice that hasn't already been said, but I will offer

 

[nativetxn]

Tammy, ask him. I know you are frightened and nervous but you know what? If you <i>don't</i> ask him you will always regret not doing so.

Good luck with this and let us know what happens. {{{HUGS}}} my friend.

 

[PartyofSix]

Just so you guys know i did'nt "get around" to it today either. I'm gonna go by his office and "visit" him this week a few times. Maybe i'll catch the mood just right and will tell them about the renewal and invite them to join us. OH i want to get this over with i keep saying that but i'm not making much progress am i? I did talk to my step-brothers wife tonight and told them we'd made plans and i would sending out and invitation she said they'd love to go and will try to get a sitter for there son. So i'm hopeful they might can make it.

 

[Serena]

Goodluck.

 

[huey duey & luey]

Good luck with you father. I hope you have a wonderful day, remember it is about your dh and your love .

 

[Kallison]

I think you need to be really upfront, just like you were with us. Explain in detail how very, very muchit will mean to you and ocmplete the day to have him there, and it would make you very sad if he couldn't make it. Don't sugar coat it in the least! Don't go -- oh well I hope you can but if you can't make it that is okay. Let him know, you want him there because you love him and want him to be part of your special day and it will put a hole in the occasion if they don't come (they meaning him and stepmom). I really hope it goes well for you. I could feel your angst in your post! I'll say a prayer. Good luck.