Looking For Honest Opinions? Long

[RadioFanatic]

Just to clarify, I brought some of the clothes to the hospital because she had mentioned that she did not have an outfit to bring the baby home in. She did not know beforehand what sex it would be and only had some onesies etc. I bought a few outfits figuring if she picked one out, either I or her dh could take it home to wash it so it would be ready for the baby to wear home. All the gifts I brought fit very easily into a basic size shopping bag. I would never expect them to need a u-haul to carry stuff home in.

I realize I am very sensitive (it's definetly a bad fault to have) and for those of you that did not read everything, dh and I do not have any children...not by choice and not something we discuss with anyone. Whether that is playing into my sensitivity????? I don't know. I truely wish them the best and meant no harm. I purposely waited until later in the day so that she would have a chance to rest a little and because I knew that her mom and his sister and niece would and should be the first people to visit. I did not want to take that away from them.

I'm sure that this will pass. I understand that our friendship will change as she will develop new friends that have a young child in common with her....just through playgroups, nursery school, sports or whatever. I just felt bad that it seemed to happen so soon.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer and relay some of their own personal experiences. It's nice to know that I can come here and be amongst friends.

I don't know if you saw my post, but I 100% understand and I do feel for you. I just this past weekend was to attend a baby shower for a really good friend of mine. I just couldn't do it and didn't go. Instead, I took her out to dinner and gave her her present then. I do understand, but know she is your best friend - have faith in her.

 

[disykat]

I'm sure that this will pass. I understand that our friendship will change as she will develop new friends that have a young child in common with her....just through playgroups, nursery school, sports or whatever. I just felt bad that it seemed to happen so soon.
:

Aha. While I'm sure you are concerned about your friendship, please understand that this has NOTHING to do with your relationship. It is about her being exhausted. Her needing time to recover from major surgery, labor time (?), and bond with her baby has nothing to do with you.

 

[4cruisin]

I don't know if you saw my post, but I 100% understand and I do feel for you. I just this past weekend was to attend a baby shower for a really good friend of mine. I just couldn't do it and didn't go. Instead, I took her out to dinner and gave her her present then. I do understand, but know she is your best friend - have faith in her.

I did read your op and I appreciate the support. I feel bad about being hurt....jeez, I really am a nut case but I just though it was odd to be limited to 15 minutes....I didn't plan on camping out and sleeping over. As my dh said, we only wanted to give them a hug and see the gorgeous little girl that we want to spoil rotten.

Again, thanks for all your thoughts. I do appreciate having things put into perspective. Dh and I will be away starting tomorrow and won't be around to see them for about 10 days. I bet the baby grows in just that short time.

 

[goofygirl]

To be honest, I think she was being awfully rude to you. If she did not want to see you or anyone else, she shouldn't have told you to come in the first place. She does not get a "pass" because she "just had a baby." There's no excuse for rudeness.

if I had a "friend" like this, I'd find new friends. And you are probably right- your friendship will change because her life will be consumed by the baby and other people with babies especially if she is a SAHM.

 

[In a hurry]

To be honest, I think she was being awfully rude to you. If she did not want to see you or anyone else, she shouldn't have told you to come in the first place. She does not get a "pass" because she "just had a baby." There's no excuse for rudeness.

if I had a "friend" like this, I'd find new friends. And you are probably right- your friendship will change because her life will be consumed by the baby and other people with babies especially if she is a SAHM.

Wow, you'd give up a friendship over one incident that involves a woman just a few hours post-partum and post-op? Friendship doesn't mean a whole lot if you only stick out the easy parts.

 

[kimmikayb]

It's hard to be sensitive, isn't it? I know, I am too

If you excuse me to read between the lines a little here....in one of your last posts it hit me you're concerned that you and her will move apart from each other now that they have a small child and you don't have kids. I understand your fear. However, you seem like a really special person and I'm sure you have friends who are just as special and I'm sure this will not happen.

I agree with all the others that said...I think they were tired. Yes, I know you waited till later in the day but honestly? That was when I was the most exhausted. Plus she had major surgery, went throught what sounds like a very long labor with an unexpected C section. She loves you and thought you'd understand how tired she was? Maybe? OR the hubby knew how tired she was and said no and then when he told HER he said no, she said call them right back and tell them to come? The nurse could have said 15 minutes, ours did when she knew how tired I was. I don't think they wanted you to come just for the gifts. She might be having a little PPD too and that can make everyone act different. It was different for each of my kids but for the last one I just wanted to be alone with my husband and the baby....this was my fourth. I didn't even want the other kids around. It's wierd and hard to explain. She's an older mom too? Considering the age difference...this is like a first time mom again. Believe me, I don't think it had a thing to do with you and I think you're going to have great fun with this new little baby. Anyone would be lucky to call you the aunt of their children!

 

[kimmikayb]

To be honest, I think she was being awfully rude to you. If she did not want to see you or anyone else, she shouldn't have told you to come in the first place. She does not get a "pass" because she "just had a baby." There's no excuse for rudeness.

if I had a "friend" like this, I'd find new friends. And you are probably right- your friendship will change because her life will be consumed by the baby and other people with babies especially if she is a SAHM.

I don't know what kind of friends you hang out with, but most people don't change that drastically.

And yes, you get lots of passes when you have a baby because you go through so much mind, body and soul and it can often overload you. It doesn't excuse you to commit a crime or anything like that but it can excuse you to be tired and not have the best responses.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

glad to see you're doing better and were able to re-evaluate how she was feeling

 

[mickeysgal]

To be honest, I think she was being awfully rude to you. If she did not want to see you or anyone else, she shouldn't have told you to come in the first place. She does not get a "pass" because she "just had a baby." There's no excuse for rudeness.

if I had a "friend" like this, I'd find new friends. And you are probably right- your friendship will change because her life will be consumed by the baby and other people with babies especially if she is a SAHM.

Wow - what an extreme reaction to a very private family matter. I'm not trying to argue with you, but do you have any idea how tired and loopy you are when you have just given birth, not to mention major adominal surgery - which a C-section is? The woman is most likely on pain medication and you're holding her to some post-surgical standard of proper social behavior because she changed her mind about allowing visitors? She's not being rude as you stated, she has just come out of surgery that day! Good grief!

OP - I can feel your enthusiasm about the birth of this little one. I know you're excited and thrilled, but trust me, the mom is simply exhausted. A body giving birth at 40+ is not the same as 20+. I'm sure she'll welcome you with open arms once she gets home. You'll be able to perhaps visit longer, maybe help her around the house with the cooking, or taking care of that precious little girl. Then you'll have the chance to dote on the baby as much as you want! Your heart is in the right place, but please give the mom a bit of time to adjust.

 

[PaulaSue]

OP, I honestly wouldn't be hurt at all.

When I had my DDs I didn't want company only DH, my mom and the girls, I had regular births. At our hospital they have very strict rules especially compared to the over the next city.

 

[ndelaware]

I understand that our friendship will change as she will develop new friends that have a young child in common with her....just through playgroups, nursery school, sports or whatever. I just felt bad that it seemed to happen so soon.

I don't agree with what you are saying here. Just because someone else has a child does not make them more compatable friends for your best friend than you are. Our girls are now 10 and through all these years the best friend my wife has had is her friend Robin. Other than family we are closer to her and her husband than any other people we know. They tried for years to have there own and it just didn't work out for them. But they are Aunt Robin and Uncle John to our daughters and are loved as part of the family. As a matter of fact, we don't let our kids stay over night with most people. We both have big families but our girls have only spent the night with with my mother and one of my sisters. But, they have spent a weekend with Robin and John. That should give you some idea of where they stand in our life.

My wife was trashed after being in labor all night and then having a c-section in the morning. We limited the visitors and tried not to hurt any feelings. Even so she was back to sleep within 90 minutes after the operation. So visits were very short for everybody who showed up. Neither of our mothers saw the girls til a few days later.

Keep your chin up and let go of your hurt. I am sure when your best friend heard from her husband about the hurt in your voice she insisted on making time for you even though she may have not been up to seeing anyone. Perhaps you are very important to her and she could not stand the thought of hurting you no matter how tired she was or how much pain she was feeling.

 

[disykat]

She does not get a "pass" because she "just had a baby." There's no excuse for rudeness.

Wow - I know you don't like children. Would you give a "pass" for any other kind of surgery? If anything deserves a pass, it's having a baby and a major surgery in the same day. There is nothing rude about being too tired for visitors, nor anything rude about limiting the time of hospital visits.

 

[RadioFanatic]

goofygirl, if I hadn't seen your number of posts, I would have thought you were a troll.

 

[daisyduck123]

I have not read all the posts...but from the OP's original post, I would not be upset with my friend. I'm sure the nurse did tell her "only 15 minutes" as did my nurses after my C-sections. Being in the hospital with a new baby, lack of sleep etc., is stressful...a lot is going on. Let's give the mom with the new baby a break. She didn't know if she was up for visitors, & then decided she was. No big deal IMO.

You sound like a very nice friend & certainly purchased her some wonderful gifts. She did sound extremely appreciative.

 

[AprilShowers]

My opinion? I WANTED visitors at the hospital. I couldn't wait for people (family & close friends) to come see me and the baby. I did not, however, have a c-section.
The friend told you she couldn't wait for you to come see her and the baby, and you were excited. I think the husband was kind of a jerk. He asks you not to come, which I think you would have gotten over more easily.
THEN calls back and almost forces you to come "but only for 15 mins." That would hurt my feelings too.

What people are missing here is the OP offered to wait till the next day, and the DH insisted she come right then, "but only for 15". That, in my opinion was rude.

OP, I'm sorry this has hurt your feelings, and I think some people here are being a little hard on you. I think you understood perfectly that your friend needed rest, and you didn't rush right over after the baby was born, but waited till later in the day.
That being said, I wouldn't hold it against her, she probably was tired, and her DH was more than likely sleep deprived as well. Once they get settled in, things will be more back to normal with you and your friend.
Go ahead and spoil that baby rotten!!

 

[Daxx]

She does not get a "pass" because she "just had a baby." There's no excuse for rudeness.

She had freaking major surgery! Not "just a baby" -- her abdomen and uterus were cut open to get the baby out. Jeez ... if that isn't worthy of a "pass", I don't know what is!

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

She had freaking major surgery! Not "just a baby" -- her abdomen and uterus were cut open to get the baby out. Jeez ... if that isn't worthy of a "pass", I don't know what is!

thank you! i just did not know how to reply to that!

 

[goofygirl]

Hey, an honest opinion was asked for, so I gave it.

I noticed that the birthmother wasn't "too tired" to open all the gifts.

I think saying something like, "You can come see me, but only for 15 minutes then you have to leave." is mighty rude, no matter what the scenario (childbirth, appendectomy, open heart surgery, whatever). If I went to the trouble to buy you gifts and take time out of my schedule to see you, I'd expect a better response than that.

 

[Maleficent13]

I think saying something like, "You can come see me, but only for 15 minutes then you have to leave." is mighty rude, no matter what the scenario (childbirth, appendectomy, open heart surgery, whatever). If I went to the trouble to buy you gifts and take time out of my schedule to see you, I'd expect a better response than that.

I think everything you mentioned "gets a pass". Sorry...if she's in a hospital bed and I'm not, well, she gets a pass. That goes for anyone in a hospital, for pretty much any reason.

 

[RadioFanatic]

goofygirl obviously has never had surgery.