Looking for help on how to slow things down/conflict resolution

[Jennkneefir]

Ok! Would love some suggestions from folks who have taken multi-generational/multi-family trips.
I am tagging along with my brother and his family on an upcoming trip to WDW in September. 6 park days, staying onsite at Fort Wilderness. My brother + his wife + their two kids, my brother's in-laws, and me.

I am the solo adult, as my husband isn't a park guy. I'm very excited to tag along with my brother and co. Brother is working with a travel agent and taking care of all the big planning (ticket, park reservations, accommodations, restaurant reservations, etc). This is new for me, as I'm usually the planner for trips.

My brother is the kind of guy who needs to get his "money's worth" by riding all the rides from open to close. He has a big/intense personality and we occasionally clash. I really want to avoid causing conflict on this trip, and have decided to try and just relax and go with the flow. Let go of the need for control and enjoy the environment and experience.

Folks who have a similar family/group dynamic, how have you handled conflict resolution when some people are getting a bit intense and part of the group isnt into it? Would love any thoughts or suggestions for how to tackle this, or how you have handled things in the past.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

You need to decide if you're going on your own vacation, or if you're going on your brother's vacation with his family.

In my scenario, I'm your brother. It's always me, my wife, and my three kids, and I'm the planner. Sometimes my parents join us. Sometimes my married sister and her husband. Sometimes my unmarried sister.

What I do is plan the trip I want to plan for my own immediate family based on what I think is best. Then I "publish" the plan to the group, and people opt in to what they want to do and what they don't want to do. If my sister doesn't want to pay for Ohana, she skips Ohana. If my brother-in-law wants to go to the space center on Animal Kingdom day, he can go to the space center on Animal Kingdom day. Nobody's feelings are hurt.

 

[Jennkneefir]

You need to decide if you're going on your own vacation, or if you're going on your brother's vacation with his family.

In my scenario, I'm your brother. It's always me, my wife, and my three kids, and I'm the planner. Sometimes my parents join us. Sometimes my married sister and her husband. Sometimes my unmarried sister.

What I do is plan the trip I want to plan for my own immediate family based on what I think is best. Then I "publish" the plan to the group, and people opt in to what they want to do and what they don't want to do. If my sister doesn't want to pay for Ohana, she skips Ohana. If my brother-in-law wants to go to the space center on Animal Kingdom day, he can go to the space center on Animal Kingdom day. Nobody's feelings are hurt.

I appreciate this perspective, and I think ive decided that i am tagging along on their trip. If i need to skip something, i am comfortable doing that and doing something solo.

Is there room for any spontaneity at disney anymore with larger groups? Should i look up the treats i want to eat in advance so i dont disrupt their schedule, or just anticipate having to split off for the 30-45 minutes it might take if i want to grab a coffee between rides?
If the published family plan isnt provided in advance, how do you suggest bringing it up? I like the way you tackle it with your family as an opt-in/out scenario.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Is there room for any spontaneity at disney anymore with larger groups?

It's hard to be spontaneous and do everything in a week, but pretty easy to be spontaneous if you're okay not doing everything.

Should i look up the treats i want to eat in advance so i dont disrupt their schedule, or just anticipate having to split off for the 30-45 minutes it might take if i want to grab a coffee between rides?

Splitting off is probably easier. We tend to do our planning by geography, so nobody is walking miles and miles to criss-cross a park. So, for example, one morning might be Adventureland, another might be Future World East, etc. If you do your "splitting off" in the same general vicinity as what the rest of the group is doing, it won't be hard to meet back up with each other without missing much.

If the published family plan isnt provided in advance, how do you suggest bringing it up? I like the way you tackle it with your family as an opt-in/out scenario.

Dining reservations are a pretty good excuse. "Hey just wondering if you can give me a heads up on which parks you plan to do each days so I can figure out if there are any dining reservations I might want to do on my own."

 

[sheilafri]

Just communicate with your brother beforehand. Tell him you you appreciate all the planning he is doing but will likely want to make space for both you and them to do things independently. Ask how you should handle changes to the schedule, is last minute okay, etc?, and just try to be considerate of the work he is putting in.

 

[sponica]

I wish I had planned my own itinerary for the trip my mom and stepdad joined.

My stepdad hates theme parks and was basically doing animal kingdom and maybe Epcot... So I planned a ton of resort dining for dinner. And my mom felt awful that we made all these plans to account for him and he never joined us for dinner

Don't get me wrong, it was still a fun trip but in 2 years when my sister goes with her family and my mom and stepdad go, I'm doing the "here's what we have planned, join where you want"

I would have been less irritated had I not planned around other people. File it under lesson learned.

If you know right now, you don't want to do the intense trip, just say be open about what you want to join on.

 

[FeistyDisneyMom]

It's hard to be spontaneous and do everything in a week, but pretty easy to be spontaneous if you're okay not doing everything.


Splitting off is probably easier. We tend to do our planning by geography, so nobody is walking miles and miles to criss-cross a park. So, for example, one morning might be Adventureland, another might be Future World East, etc. If you do your "splitting off" in the same general vicinity as what the rest of the group is doing, it won't be hard to meet back up with each other without missing much.


Dining reservations are a pretty good excuse. "Hey just wondering if you can give me a heads up on which parks you plan to do each days so I can figure out if there are any dining reservations I might want to do on my own."

This has always been my approach. It doesn't avoid all conflict, but it definitely helps. Since you know he's working with a travel agent, I'd say something very complimentary about how great it is that he's taking care of things, and then ask if you could see the schedule the TA came up with so you are prepared. And suggest a meet up plan for when you and/or the in-laws need to do something else.

 

[daisylovesdisney]

We travel with different family members, sometimes more, sometimes less. We leave when we're ready, and others can sleep in and meet up for a scheduled lunch and then spend the day together from there. Or someone may choose to spend the day at the pool and head to the park just for the evening and meet up. Really any combination. It works, everyone is happy.

Also we try to find out everyone's "must do" for the trip and work that in.

 

[MainMom]

I would find out what your brothers expectations are. Does he think you and IL’s are going to be with his family every minute? When we did extended family trips (11-13 people) I planned a everything down to what time we were going to be at the bus stop. We all agreed ahead of time that if someone wanted to sleep or didn’t get to the bus on time the rest of the group would just go ahead and we would meet up later. We all toured together, but that was what we like to do.

 

[Jennkneefir]

I wish I had planned my own itinerary for the trip my mom and stepdad joined.

My stepdad hates theme parks and was basically doing animal kingdom and maybe Epcot... So I planned a ton of resort dining for dinner. And my mom felt awful that we made all these plans to account for him and he never joined us for dinner

Don't get me wrong, it was still a fun trip but in 2 years when my sister goes with her family and my mom and stepdad go, I'm doing the "here's what we have planned, join where you want"

I would have been less irritated had I not planned around other people. File it under lesson learned.

If you know right now, you don't want to do the intense trip, just say be open about what you want to join on.

Oh i'm definitely down for a busy trip, i just also recognize my brother needs to fill every second of the day with activity, while i would still like the opportunity to watch parades or shows. I really appreciate hearing other folks perspectives on it though, which was why i asked. I want to be transparent with my family about where my limits might be and my wants.

 

[Jennkneefir]

I would find out what your brothers expectations are. Does he think you and IL’s are going to be with his family every minute? When we did extended family trips (11-13 people) I planned a everything down to what time we were going to be at the bus stop. We all agreed ahead of time that if someone wanted to sleep or didn’t get to the bus on time the rest of the group would just go ahead and we would meet up later. We all toured together, but that was what we like to do.

Thats a good idea. I am usually the planner in the group, and like to be prepared. It's been hard to let go of control completely, but i think our touring style will end up mostly jiving. Just trying to be proactive and anticipate sources of conflict so we can chat about them ahead of time!
I think that we will probably end up spending most of the time together, like your group does, and having a firm plan where i can deviate and join back up should work well. The grandparents will probably force the group to slow down a bit. Its also going to be fairly hot, so that will need to be accounted for.

 

[Jennkneefir]

Just communicate with your brother beforehand. Tell him you you appreciate all the planning he is doing but will likely want to make space for both you and them to do things independently. Ask how you should handle changes to the schedule, is last minute okay, etc?, and just try to be considerate of the work he is putting in.

Will 100% be considerate of his work. I'm usually the one who plans and takes care of logistics, so i recognize how much work it is. I'll suggest we plan a meeting a month or so beforehand to chat about how we feel about the schedule and what my be the best course of action if i want to split off and meet back up. Thank you for the suggestions!

 

[Jennkneefir]

It's hard to be spontaneous and do everything in a week, but pretty easy to be spontaneous if you're okay not doing everything.


Splitting off is probably easier. We tend to do our planning by geography, so nobody is walking miles and miles to criss-cross a park. So, for example, one morning might be Adventureland, another might be Future World East, etc. If you do your "splitting off" in the same general vicinity as what the rest of the group is doing, it won't be hard to meet back up with each other without missing much.


Dining reservations are a pretty good excuse. "Hey just wondering if you can give me a heads up on which parks you plan to do each days so I can figure out if there are any dining reservations I might want to do on my own."

Fair! Maybe i need to chat with them and find out what a successful trip looks like for them.
With the short legs on my nieces, and the grandparents tagging along, i expect our plan will look similar to yours in that we wont be crossing back and forth, but rather working methodically area to area.

 

[tjmw2727]

We travel with extended family often and I wouldn't think twice about someone splitting from the group. My sister and bil will always do at least one dinner or night out on their own or sleep in a bit and meet us in the parks later. Also with cousins of different ages and interests sometimes we split up even within families so older/taller kids can ride the height restricted rides and younger kids can enjoy shows and tamer attractions without having to deal with rider switch.

As pp's said ask for a general outline and then see what you might want to do with the family and what you would want to split of to do. I am sure you will want to ride some of the classic rides with your nieces/nephews but you may not enjoy an entire day in fantasyland

 

[CaptainAmerica]

Fair! Maybe i need to chat with them and find out what a successful trip looks like for them.
With the short legs on my nieces, and the grandparents tagging along, i expect our plan will look similar to yours in that we wont be crossing back and forth, but rather working methodically area to area.

How old are the littles? Our cadence (kids 7, 4, and 2) has been rope drop through lunch in the parks, then an afternoon break, then like 4pm-8pm back in the parks. If I can offer your brother any advice, it's to make sure that the kiddos get plenty of sleep.

 

[Jennkneefir]

How old are the littles? Our cadence (kids 7, 4, and 2) has been rope drop through lunch in the parks, then an afternoon break, then like 4pm-8pm back in the parks. If I can offer your brother any advice, it's to make sure that the kiddos get plenty of sleep.

Hey! Kiddos will be 9 and 6 when were there. Timezone will be the same for them, so that will make early mornings a bit easier for the kids to rope drop. Were staying on site, so hopefully that will make it a bit easier to take some early afternoon pool breaks or breaks for quiet time.

 

[Jennkneefir]

We travel with extended family often and I wouldn't think twice about someone splitting from the group. My sister and bil will always do at least one dinner or night out on their own or sleep in a bit and meet us in the parks later. Also with cousins of different ages and interests sometimes we split up even within families so older/taller kids can ride the height restricted rides and younger kids can enjoy shows and tamer attractions without having to deal with rider switch.

As pp's said ask for a general outline and then see what you might want to do with the family and what you would want to split of to do. I am sure you will want to ride some of the classic rides with your nieces/nephews but you may not enjoy an entire day in fantasyland

I usually wouldnt either, but ill be flying solo if i split off since my husband wont be joining on this trip. I don't mind being solo, but a big part of this trip is spending time with the nieces! Hoping there might be room for some time with each of my nieces 1-on-1!

 

[DisneyAuntie12]

Regarding conflict resolution - one thing I have tried in the past, if I know that conflict is a distinct possibility, is to have a mental plan. Not an unrealistic plan like “I’m going to just be chill and never lose my cool ever again!”, ha ha, but something like “I’m going to say I’m feeling exhausted and need some time to recharge, then excuse myself before I say anything I’ll regret later.” So maybe know where your exits are in case you’re feeling overwhelmed, and do a brief mental rehearsal of how you’ll take them gracefully. Have a ready excuse to give if you need to just step away for a bit. Disney is great but also stressful. Dollars to donuts the kids will melt down at some point, your brother will be pulling his hair out chasing them, and someone will spill a Dole Whip in your purse. I love Disney, but I’m a realist.

I’d also say know yourself and how flexible you are for given things. Sometimes it can be fun to be a tourist in someone else’s life, experience the way they do things vs. the way you do them. In those cases, you might even be surprised that you find things you like about trying Disney in a different style, especially since your nieces and nephews will be there. Seeing them light up might make you want to rush to the next ride too! In other cases, if you know you’re just going to feel disappointed and annoyed if you miss out on X, Y, or Z, I’d say make that a priority. Whatever it is - a leisurely coffee stop, a parade, just a certain amount of unstructured time, etc.

 

[sponica]

Oh i'm definitely down for a busy trip, i just also recognize my brother needs to fill every second of the day with activity, while i would still like the opportunity to watch parades or shows. I really appreciate hearing other folks perspectives on it though, which was why i asked. I want to be transparent with my family about where my limits might be and my wants.

We put parades and shows on the agenda, my kid who is tall enough for all rides hates rides with a height limit.....I view the itinerary as "what can I only do here?"

See characters, see parades, ride certain rides.

 

[_19disnA]

Multi-family vacations can be a challenge regardless of where you are going. I think all of the adults should have a discussion PRIOR to departing on what their expectations are. That has tended to work well for us and avoids conflict later on. It is difficult to even walk around a Disney park as one big group since certain rides/shows will be more appealing to some then others. Shopping is another challenge since one store might interest some but not others, some might be 'window shoppers' while others may actually want to buy something or be looking for specific items.

I think it would be a huge mistake to not have any discussions ahead of time and suddenly when you all arrive at the first park realize everyone has a different idea of where to go next or what to do. Splitting up into smaller groups might also be an option based on what everyone's interests are. If most/all of your group has been to Disney previously, they likely already have some sense of what they do/don't want to do.

Even for meals you might split up if a particular restaurant some want to try doesn't serve anything that others enjoy. Having that discussion while still at home tends to make things go easier. At a given park you might also split up and agree to meet up for lunch/dinner at some agreed upon time. This gives everyone some space but yet the opportunity to do certain activities together. In the morning, does everyone plan to get up early and race off to the park or are some the more leisurely type? Does everyone have the same interests in breakfast, some may want a coffee & bagel while others want a full meal? Those are things to discuss ahead of time and then people can all realize that everyone likely isn't going to want do exactly the same things for the entire vacation.