Long Vent: Parents visiting, new baby

[NHdisneylover]

You see a "history" and "red flags" in 99% of posts regarding inlaws.

or more . . .

I think I Wishing on a Star must have terrible issues with her own in laws; which she seems to project onto every other in law situation.
OP, you are probably familiar with the poster yourself, but if not, really please do take everything but especially her posts with a big grain of salt.

 

[mjkacmom]

You see a "history" and "red flags" in 99% of posts regarding inlaws.

Lol - bingo! OP, I can't even tell you how sensitive I was after the birth of my second child. It was pretty bad. Fortunately, none of my kids ever had problems with the new additions to the family (until baby was around 8 months old, and getting into their stuff - THEN they had issues).

My dad is a yeller, and now that he has alzheimers, he's a YELLER. My kids just ignore him (they think he's funny when he gets himself in a tizzy). You said that they were helpful - when you accept the help of others, don't expect it to be perfect.

My parents live in town, and see my kids every day. Some things I just put up with - I'm certainly not expecting them to change at this point in their lives.

 

[SirDuff]

You see a "history" and "red flags" in 99% of posts regarding inlaws.

And if there was a "history" and "red flags" why ask them to come stay for that long? Or can these be ignored as long as the parents can be exploited?

OP - It seems like some on this thread are taking things to extremes (both sides of the extremes). I agree with much of what NHdisneylover said in her post.

Instead of telling grandparents that they cannot admire their new grandbaby, maybe you can tell her about how grown ups just love little babes and how they all came to see her and adored her and said things like that when she was a newborn. Pull out photos and let her see them holding her as an infant, etc.

That's what we did with my nephew when my niece was born. Definitely fawned over her, but also talked about my nephew doing similar (or very different) things when he was that size.

Maybe you can set up some times when your parents watch the baby for an hour or so so that they can fawn over him non stop while your daughtet gets your undivded attention out somewhere, and then also plan an outing for your DD with just your parents so that they can enjoy one another without the baby there to cause tension.

Did this too. It was great for all of us. I got to spend some one-on-one time with my nephew who I adored and some one-on-one time with my niece who I was getting to know. And, my brother and sister-in-law got some one-on-one time with their children as well (or, one could get real one-on-one time while the other got some rest or could do things on their own).

Good luck - I'm sure that it will all work out. Both with your two little ones learning to live together and you and your dad (and the rest of the family).

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, pregnancy hormones do a real number on you, particularly right after birth. I'll share two of my own experiences, one of which I had to live with the consequences of for several years -- despite getting some really good advice to rethink my decision, which I ignored.

Leaving the hospital with DD #1 I was thrilled. When the hospital doors opened and I could finally step out into the waiting car it was the moment I had been waiting for. By the time I had climbed in, taken a seat and waited for DH to finish settling her carseat securely I was freaking out inside. There were other drivers on the roads, drivers who had no way of knowing my precious peanut was buckled up inside, making her way home for the first time! I'm happy to tell you we made it home without incident, despite my certainty those idiots were endangering my child. Eventually I got a grip, thank goodness.

Late in my pregnancy I had finally had it with our sofa and off we went to buy a new one. More than a few friends and coworkers recommended I wait a few months for several reasons, most of which boiled down to pregnancy brain. I defiantly went ahead and made a purchase, a purchase I regretted within three months and then had to live with for several years until time for replacement came along and budget allowed. I was delighted with my selection at purchase, when it came home and shortly before the three months was up the cloud lifted and I realized that I hadn't figured out a way to step out of my box -- I just had let pregnancy brain convince me butt ugly was beautiful, something I never would have liked before or since.

In all sincerity, your judgment is more than likely impaired. Whatever it is, let it pass as quietly and calmly as possible, because I can pretty much guarantee you will probably feel completely differently before very long.

 

[Laura66]

I remember I was quite the "Expert" before I had kids and was a new Mother! My parents and inlaws were nice enough to come help and put up with my attitude. I remember their eye rolling and correcting. It was new territory for everyone and we all cut each other a break!

I remember telling my mom a few years back - hey! Sorry I was such a know it all witch at times! You weren't out of touch and did know a thing or two! She said - I knew if I just lived long enough I might get a thank you! And I said hopefull I will too with my kids! LoL

 

[emma'smom]

When my dd#2 was born, my first dd was just two years old as well. My parents also came to stay with us and help out.

Speaking from experience, those hormones are probably a very likely contributor to your perspective on the situation---I know mine were. I recall being livid at some guy from the HR department in my office who called me because I hadn't signed some form for my maternity leave that had to be signed ASAP. I chewed him out for interrupting my family time. Poor guy was just trying to make sure I had a job to come back to smoothly!

I also had this image in my head about what that "bringing baby home and getting settled" time would look like---but it was only from my daydreaming for 9 months and didn't take into account that everyone involved was in a "new situation" too and that my parents were staying in my house, were "out of town" from their usual haunts, and the rules weren't all clear. Do they cook every meal? Do I think I still want some control of my kitchen (even if I really don't)? Do they shop? Had I had pre-planned meal ideas? Should they take dd#1 away on outing to give her a break or would I prefer she stay to bond? Even what does my old-school dad do while I attempted breastfeed? Was that beyond his comfort zone to be in the room while my dd and I figured out a rhythm (which, as with many newborns) was a bit of a struggle.

So my point---let is all slide. Thanks them for their help.....and don't focus on the yelling. Some grandpa's are "yellers"----that's just their style. The sooner your daughter learns not to take it personally, the better.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You see a "history" and "red flags" in 99% of posts regarding inlaws.

First... The OP herself, in her original post, gave all the details on the history with her parents.

Second... I never, NEVER, ever, said 'red flags'.

Third, This is the OP's parents, and has absolutely nothing, at all, to do with inlaws.

I have to wonder, for just a spilt second, where all of this crap (and putting words into other's mouth) comes from...

Ohhh, then I remember the lyrics to the song...
"Ohhh, All the haters gonna hate, hate, hate..."

I have given the OP my support and advice...
And, so with that, I am outa here... Shake it off.. Shake it off..

 

[njmom47]

OP

That's a whole lot going on for everyone.
I support you and your feelings and your thoughts.

 

[leebee]

I think Art 1 has some VERY valid points (in this thread, at least ).

 

[pigletgirl]

First of all, I only have 1 child and we haven't welcomed a second child yet, so this "advice" might not mean anything or be anything of worth. Take with a grain of salt.

Since a new baby has arrived home, I'm sure your DD is still trying to figure her out as well as kind of figure out where she stands in all of it. I think this is an incredible opportunity for your parents to take her and go do something fun. Maybe an indoor playground and lunch? The exercise will make her feel better and it also gets your parents out of the house too. I'm sure they have a bit of cabin fever as well.

Bringing a new baby home is tough and it takes time for everyone to get to used to having a new little person around.

But, the good news is that one day this will all be a memory... time flies! Enjoy these first few weeks!

Congratulations to you and your family!

 

[Art 1]

Please tell me youre joking? If your parents raised their voice to your precious snowflakes, you'd kick your own parents to the curb??? Am i reading that right?

My dad isnt a quiet person. He's loud and cranky, my son knows this. My son has never taken it to heart. My son knows how he is at times. I dont mind if my own parents raise their voice at my son when he's doing something wrong. Its never been an issue with me. If its a stranger, sure, different story. But my own parents/his grandparents? Nope, not a problem.

Your dad is loud and cranky.

 

[Waddler]

OP, have you read "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp? He offers some compassionate but effective methods for dealing with annoying, whiny behavior. I'd suggest a little extra "meter feeding" while your daughter adjusts. (Sounds like that's what you're trying to do anyway.) In my experience, it doesn't lead to manipulative behavior. On the contrary, it prevents most of the bad behavior before it starts. To me, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with her, temper tantrums aside.

Regarding your father, I think it's fine to calmly tell him that he may not yell at your children. In the long run, he might respect you more for setting limits. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

 

[SLP958]

Bless you Dear!
This too shall pass.

I remember after having my kids (7 and 2) grandparents causing a ton of stress.
Once they were gone it was physically harder not having help but so much of a relief mentally.

You did the right thing. Next visit I bet things will be much smoother.

 

[kkmcan]

Even is she has a touch of the terrible two's that's not how you treat a 2 year old. She should be talked to calmly, or redirected or put in time out or however it is that you choose to deal with this. My parents would never yell at their grandchildren. They leave the discipline to us (the parents).

 

[mrsbicewdw]

What is toddler anxiety? We didn't have that in the old days. It's like we're raising a generation of weak people with all the new abnormalities that society has created.

As the mother of a child with anxiety, who you say has "abnormalities" that is very offensive. Children/toddlers are humans - they can have anxiety. My son's anxiety hits the roof in many situations other kids might do fine in, and we have been judged and treated rudely by people just like you. Kids with anxiety or any other challenges are not abnormal or weak. My son is a strong person for facing his anxiety each day.

OP I'm sorry people are jumping on you. My advice is to log out of DIS and snuggle with that baby and toddler. Watch Disney movies in bed and soak up all that love.

 

[Art 1]

As the mother of a child with anxiety, who you say has "abnormalities" that is very offensive. Children/toddlers are humans - they can have anxiety. My son's anxiety hits the roof in many situations other kids might do fine in, and we have been judged and treated rudely by people just like you. Kids with anxiety or any other challenges are not abnormal or weak. My son is a strong person for facing his anxiety each day.

OP I'm sorry people are jumping on you. My advice is to log out of DIS and snuggle with that baby and toddler. Watch Disney movies in bed and soak up all that love.

It seems that many children who have anxiety have parents who coddle them. Let your child take some bumps and bruises. He or she will be ok. Let them fend for themselves a bit. Not come running to mummy because some one yelled at them.

 

[Ceila]

First... The OP herself, in her original post, gave all the details on the history with her parents.

Second... I never, NEVER, ever, said 'red flags'.

Third, This is the OP's parents, and has absolutely nothing, at all, to do with inlaws.

I have to wonder, for just a spilt second, where all of this crap (and putting words into other's mouth) comes from...

Ohhh, then I remember the lyrics to the song...
"Ohhh, All the haters gonna hate, hate, hate..."

I have given the OP my support and advice...
And, so with that, I am outa here... Shake it off.. Shake it off..

Are you really so lacking is self-awareness of your own posting style? There isn't a single thread about family issues where you don't have something negative to say about the other party. You always appear to assume that the poster is in the right and the other family members are in the wrong. Time and time again your posts paint other family members as only intrusive and, often, abusive.

We get it. You had a rough time with your in-laws (although, strangly enough, you've never admitted what they did that was supposedly so terrible). But why do you feel the need to project your feelings and situation onto every other family thread that's started? It really come across as if you are seeking validation for your own emotions and reactions. Not saying it is, but that's certainly how you appear based on your posts.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

It seems that many children who have anxiety have parents who coddle them. Let your child take some bumps and bruises. He or she will be ok. Let them fend for themselves a bit. Not come running to mummy because some one yelled at them.

There are actually biological reasons why some people have anxiety. They are born that way, not made that way by coddling.

 

[bear_mom]

It seems that many children who have anxiety have parents who coddle them. Let your child take some bumps and bruises. He or she will be ok. Let them fend for themselves a bit. Not come running to mummy because some one yelled at them.

I have one high anxiety and one not, and I guarantee you the one with anxiety was not cooled. If, and I don't think either were, the one without anxiety would have been more (she's younger). Dh and I have a very realistic approach to parenting and "life sucks" is said often our house. Anxiety, like depression, is a true medical diagnosis is and is not necessarily the result of parenting.

 

[Hrhpd]

It seems that many children who have anxiety have parents who coddle them. Let your child take some bumps and bruises. He or she will be ok. Let them fend for themselves a bit. Not come running to mummy because some one yelled at them.

You learn something every day. I had no idea you were a child psychologist.

Would it be possible to point me to some research articles that suggest that childhood anxiety is caused by coddling?

I would much enjoy reading the newest research since this differs so much from the standard held theories by experts in the psych field.

However, I do agree with you that the grandparents may be on to something and seeing something that the parents may be too close to see.