Long Vent: Parents visiting, new baby

[ilovejack02]

I have to say I am proud of how you handled your father . I would have lost my mind. Good for you !

 

[cjbcam]

Well...extended family in close quarters, plus new baby, plus Holiday Time, plus a misbehaving (understandably or not) 2-year-old...it can all add up to a stressful time for everyone. You could give your father some slack too. He yelled at her, but if you say he has been a yeller all his life I am sure it won't be the last time she hears him yell, and I am surprised it is the first. Some people are just yellers. You should hear my French Canadian in-laws! Not saying he was right, but if you indulge your daughter too much it can lead to some manipulative behavior. Also, it is fine for her to learn that some people yell. I had a friend who "never yelled" at her son. The first time a teacher had to raise her voice with him he was nearly in hysterics like it was the end of the world. I can't understand how you say your dad has been an emotional abuser all his life, but yet you turn to him / them to help you with your children. What did you expect? If you trust your parents to turn to them when you need help he doesn't sound all that bad. I have little ones...I KNOW we want to protect them from hurt...but they are resilient. Grandpa's just louder and more irritable than mommy and daddy. He wouldn't be the first lol.

Completely agree.

 

[JanaDee]

Well...extended family in close quarters, plus new baby, plus Holiday Time, plus a misbehaving (understandably or not) 2-year-old...it can all add up to a stressful time for everyone. You could give your father some slack too. He yelled at her, but if you say he has been a yeller all his life I am sure it won't be the last time she hears him yell, and I am surprised it is the first. Some people are just yellers. You should hear my French Canadian in-laws! Not saying he was right, but if you indulge your daughter too much it can lead to some manipulative behavior. Also, it is fine for her to learn that some people yell. I had a friend who "never yelled" at her son. The first time a teacher had to raise her voice with him he was nearly in hysterics like it was the end of the world. I can't understand how you say your dad has been an emotional abuser all his life, but yet you turn to him / them to help you with your children. What did you expect? If you trust your parents to turn to them when you need help he doesn't sound all that bad. I have little ones...I KNOW we want to protect them from hurt...but they are resilient. Grandpa's just louder and more irritable than mommy and daddy. He wouldn't be the first lol.

Totally agree.

 

[minkydog]

Why have you not taken a stand with your parents? What are you waiting for? I can tell you one thing--if my parents did that to my kids, I wouldn't have to worry about asking them to leave; my DH would have kicked them to the curb. In fact, that DID happen one time when my mother was staying with my kids and we were in NC dealing with my dying father(her ex.) She was so horrible to my kids that I put my DH on a plane and sent him home! He took that bull by the horns and she was on her way in short order.

Please, for all your sakes, if you cannot confront your parents, have your DH do it. Your parents have crossed the boundaries. They need to understand that their access to your children lies totally in your hands and if they don't toe the line, they lose the grandchildren until they can straighten up and fly right. Your daughter's feelings trumps their desire to meet the new baby.

 

[Coonhound]

I think you should apologize to your parents and ask them to stay longer.
And I'd just chalk up your daughters behavior to new baby syndrome and she will get over it. She will get over it just like every older sibling ever has. Don't coddle her and don't treat her like she's fragile. Carry on with what you need to do and she will adjust to her new life.

 

[okeydokey]

In two years you have never raised your voice? That's pretty impressive. Maybe your Dad can learn from observing your behavior with your DD. Model what you feel is appropriate and maybe he will follow along. One thing is certain you will never force someone to act exactly how you want them to.

 

[msjprincess]

Well...extended family in close quarters, plus new baby, plus Holiday Time, plus a misbehaving (understandably or not) 2-year-old...it can all add up to a stressful time for everyone. You could give your father some slack too. He yelled at her, but if you say he has been a yeller all his life I am sure it won't be the last time she hears him yell, and I am surprised it is the first. Some people are just yellers. You should hear my French Canadian in-laws!

Not saying he was right, but if you indulge your daughter too much it can lead to some manipulative behavior. Also, it is fine for her to learn that some people yell. I had a friend who "never yelled" at her son. The first time a teacher had to raise her voice with him he was nearly in hysterics like it was the end of the world.

I can't understand how you say your dad has been an emotional abuser all his life, but yet you turn to him / them to help you with your children. What did you expect? If you trust your parents to turn to them when you need help he doesn't sound all that bad.

I have little ones...I KNOW we want to protect them from hurt...but they are resilient. Grandpa's just louder and more irritable than mommy and daddy. He wouldn't be the first lol.

I have to agree

 

[mrsbicewdw]

First of all: Pregnancy hormones. Your body is coming off a major hormone high and it whacks up your emotions and responses. Not your fault. Any mom can relate.

And I wouldn't feel guilty at all. Honestly, I think it is horrible for family to come and attempt to change things or force new rules/ways of doing things during this delicate period for a family. They were invited, I understand. But I doubt they were asked to come and be critics for a week. My guess is you were more hoping for help with dinner and laundry and keeping the house restful. I don't allow basically any visitors for a good long while. Select people are allowed in for 10 minutes tops, no joke. My mom stayed after my second was born and I honestly regret asking her to since it was not as helpful as I thought it would be. More of a stress honestly, and my mom is fabulous in general! Just wasn't what I needed in that fresh postpartum stage.

I have a big issue with anyone yelling at my kids, especially when I rarely do it myself. And even more so when we are going through a tough time (like the addition of a new baby). My son Was 2.5yo when our second child was born so I know just where you are at. It's tough. Hang in there and I hope things settle once the family is gone. I know my son had a much harder time when my mother was here after the birth. She didn't discipline him badly or anything - it was just a huge change in routine on top of a new baby around. Once she left he settled a lot.

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you I do agree that my hormones are likely playing a part in this, as well as anticipated anxiety of how my DD would react to all this. I guess its also just a sore spot with my dad, who as mentioned is a yeller & was a bigtime yeller/emotional abuser growing up, & I saw history repeat itself on my DD the other night and it really got to me. I'm struggling with my aggravation, because I am grateful for the help with my newborn at the same time, but not so keen on their reaction to her or unwanted advice from a man who really shouldn't be giving parenting advice to anyone lol. I'm trying to remain calm & non-confrontational at this time-I don't want anymore negative feelings to this visit than need be. I might talk to them about it after they leave. At this point, I just want to focus on my immediate family & enjoy the rest of Hanukkah & the beginning of Christmas next week (we celebrate both!)

Aww hon, this is a good, balanced approach - good for you! Just get them out the door so you can rest, heal and start establishing your new routines. There will be plenty of time to "draw your line in the sand" when you're feeling less shaky, and yes, you are certainly right to do so.

I think you should apologize to your parents and ask them to stay longer.
And I'd just chalk up your daughters behavior to new baby syndrome and she will get over it. She will get over it just like every older sibling ever has. Don't coddle her and don't treat her like she's fragile. Carry on with what you need to do and she will adjust to her new life.

LOL - DO NOT do the bolded. (Worst advice ever.)

 

[North of Mouse]

My parents have always been very good to my daughter. Always complimenting her and playing with her & treated her as any proud grandparent would.

I'm feeling a bit guilty about how aggravated I am. They were so helpful & kind to my daughter while we were at the hospital. & they have been a huge help to me with my newborn this week.

Things will get better after they leave. Its just too bad that this joyous event had to turn so sour

OK. so you are understandably very full of emotions now after childbirth - I was also, so I 'get' it - but after all your parents have done for you in the past (and present) will you let the last few days ruin your relationship??

After you cool down and can be rational talking about it, I would call them, explain why you felt the way you did 'calmly', then apologize for the way things went at your house. You can't 'control' what happened in the 'past' but you 'can' control how you react now.

Or, are you really wanting to make a huge rift out of it, when, by your own words they have been so good to you? They 'are' your parents after all, and you only get 'one' set, and you and your children will want/need them in the future and they will have the same needs. Look at the 'broad' picture, and don't let too much time pass, because should something happen to him/her you will have regrets you will 'never' get over. (Not my personal experience, but some I know). Your own hurt now is not worth it!!

 

[North of Mouse]

I think you should apologize to your parents and ask them to stay longer.

LOL - DO NOT do the bolded. (Worst advice ever.)

Well, I think your advice is some of the worst ever also. Parents should be respected and not written off so quickly. Look at all they have done for her!

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

Your husband needs to step up and spend tons of time with the two year old right now. You will be too exhausted to deal with it 24/7. I think you should give your dad a pass this time. He tried his best, and you knew how he was before he came to visit.

 

[NHdisneylover]

DS was born 4 days before DD turned 2. We had moved cross country two months prior and lived a little over a month in a hotel with my toddler DD before getting into our house about 5 weeks before DS was born. Oh, and Christmas is between their two birthdays.

All of which means, I have some idea of what it is like to worry about a toddler who has a lot going on and many things out of the ordinary and out of her routine and then must adjust to a new sibling as well.

Like you, I worried about how to help the transition go as smoothly as possible and like your DD, mine was not all that interested in her brother when he pretty much only ate and slept and cried (NOW, as teens, they are super close--that changes).

All of that said, I definitely get the feeling while reading your post that you need some sleep and a break and are probably vastly overreacting and quite possibly trying too hard to make thing super rosy for your DD and allowing her to get away with things which she shouldn't which can backfire into a manipulative kid awfully fast.

My parents, who are staying with us till tomorrow, have been horrible to my 2 year old As soon as we brought the newborn home, they have been ignoring my 2 year old & actually been treating her horribly now that she is having a hard time. They've been rolling their eyes at her, commenting that she is acting like a brat, criticizing my parenting, & saying wonderful things about my newborn right in front of her.


(

This part of your OP jumped out at me as an example of why I think you are overreacting. Are you seriously not wanting anyone to say nice things about the baby, and fawn over him in front of her?
People said nice things over her and fawned over her when she was an infant, right? Why does her brother not merit that?

Instead of telling grandparents that they cannot admire their new grandbaby, maybe you can tell her about how grown ups just love little babes and how they all came to see her and adored her and said things like that when she was a newborn. Pull out photos and let her see them holding her as an infant, etc.

And, I am curious if your parents are just totally ignoring her all the time no matter what (very odd if they were excellent grandparents right up until now)? Or, more likely (IMO) are they refusing to give into demanding, whiny or bad behaviour and pay attention to that? I am betting there is probably a bit of both going on--she is used to being the first focus they have when walking in the room and now they DO start by focusing on her brother. She in turn misbehaves to get attention and they refuse to give into that and a cycle starts.

Maybe you can set up some times when your parents watch the baby for an hour or so so that they can fawn over him non stop while your daughtet gets your undivded attention out somewhere, and then also plan an outing for your DD with just your parents so that they can enjoy one another without the baby there to cause tension.

Well...extended family in close quarters, plus new baby, plus Holiday Time, plus a misbehaving (understandably or not) 2-year-old...it can all add up to a stressful time for everyone. You could give your father some slack too. He yelled at her, but if you say he has been a yeller all his life I am sure it won't be the last time she hears him yell, and I am surprised it is the first. Some people are just yellers. You should hear my French Canadian in-laws!

Not saying he was right, but if you indulge your daughter too much it can lead to some manipulative behavior. Also, it is fine for her to learn that some people yell. I had a friend who "never yelled" at her son. The first time a teacher had to raise her voice with him he was nearly in hysterics like it was the end of the world.

I can't understand how you say your dad has been an emotional abuser all his life, but yet you turn to him / them to help you with your children. What did you expect? If you trust your parents to turn to them when you need help he doesn't sound all that bad.

I have little ones...I KNOW we want to protect them from hurt...but they are resilient. Grandpa's just louder and more irritable than mommy and daddy. He wouldn't be the first lol.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Your husband needs to step up and spend tons of time with the two year old right now. You will be too exhausted to deal with it 24/7. I think you should give your dad a pass this time. He tried his best, and you knew how he was before he came to visit.

Right.

The Dad's behavior wasn't an issue when the Op needed something from him. My guess is she is overwhelmed and stressed out so she's oversensitive.
It's great that she's never raised her voice to her 2 year old but really we are talking about a 2 year old. My bet is there will be times the Op does raise her voice as her children grow

 

[ronandannette]

Well, I think your advice is some of the worst ever also. Parents should be respected and not written off so quickly. Look at all they have done for her!

You've misunderstood her post. She's not writing them off - far from it. She's trying NOT to overreact and cause a big "thing". They are scheduled to end their visit tomorrow, she's not asking them to leave. She has expressed appreciation for what they've done and admitted her feelings are being affected by her condition. Under the circumstances, it's really best for everyone for them to go home as planned. Maybe they'll hash this all out in the future or maybe they'll all just let it go. Things may look (and feel) different in hindsight and the OP has acknowledged as much. NOBODY is threatening to break relationship - nobody. Sheesh.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My parents, who are staying with us till tomorrow, have been horrible to my 2 year old As soon as we brought the newborn home, they have been ignoring my 2 year old & actually been treating her horribly now that she is having a hard time. They've been rolling their eyes at her, commenting that she is acting like a brat, criticizing my parenting, & saying wonderful things about my newborn right in front of her.(

Roling their eyes.... Really.... and Yelling... Ignoring... Name-calling... Critisizing the child's mother in front of the child... etc...

NONE of that is appropriate with any young child. EVER.
Especially a two year old. And one who is in this particular situation.

Some the advice here that seem to say that this is acceptable... or should be excused...

The undermining and critisizing the parent in front of their child is the absolute worst offense here. That should never, never, ever, happen... or be accepted.

I will also add that nowhere, at all, did the OP indicate that the two year old was really 'misbehaving'... She said "whiny and clingy"... This is a newly two year old 'walking-baby' for goodness sake.


And, even if this child was totally hell-on-wheels... The actions and behaviors of these grandparents is way, way, out of place.

OP, as I had said before... There is a history here. You have absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about.

The big thing is that you see this for what it is.
You see your parents for who they are.
It is always best to operate based on truth.
And then you can negotiate these things from a realisitic standpoint.
Not some kind of rose-colored-glasses, or wishful-thinking, or feeling bad and blaming yourself for their inappropriate words and actions.

 

[disykat]

You've misunderstood her post. She's not writing them off - far from it. She's trying NOT to overreact and cause a big "thing". They are scheduled to end their visit tomorrow, she's not asking them to leave. She has expressed appreciation for what they've done and admitted her feelings are being affected by her condition. Under the circumstances, it's really best for everyone for them to go home as planned. Maybe they'll hash this all out in the future or maybe they'll all just let it go. Things may look (and feel) different in hindsight and the OP has acknowledged as much. NOBODY is threatening to break relationship - nobody. Sheesh.

Exactly. I had to go back and read the OP again as I was reading everyone's posts - trying to figure out where this was all coming from.

OP said she felt bad that things had gone so poorly, acknowledged how helpful they've been, their visit was scheduled to end tomorrow, etc. All thes people piling on the OP with a bunch of made up crap - nice way to treat a new mom. Merry Christmas from the DIS!

OP, trust me, this won't be the last time you get your feelings hurt over the way people are treating your kids. It's natural to feel protective of them. Just take some deep breaths, hug your parents good bye, then breathe a sigh of relief that you can get back to settling in with just the four of you. Things will normalize, and you will have plenty of time to regroup before the next visit.

I love my parents, and they are great. However, they've been very judgemental about my parenting at times. It's funny to me because I remember them complaining about how THEIR parents forgot what having little kids was like. Circle of life.

 

[Missy1961]

I can tell you from experience your 2 yr old won't remember most of this. I know - I was 10 days short of 2 when my younger brother was born. I know that people who came to visit thought he was so cute - because he was. I'm sure people ignored me & went straight to him. But I have no memory of any of it. And I'm sure that my grandpa was there - and he probably even yelled at me a bit - because that's the kind of guy he was. And I survived. And your 2 yr old will too.

But I would have a talk with mom & dad at a later date, when things have calmed down a little. Ask him to step back when you're there too, to try not to raise his voice to your kids. Understand that it might be hard for him, but please give him a chance. I look at my nieces & nephews & my dad - they all adore him & he's crazy about all of them. In the early days, there were some rough patches, but the adults in the family learned how to handle them. The kids got the benefit of an involved & loving grandpa.

 

[Laura66]

Roling their eyes.... Really.... and Yelling... Ignoring... Name-calling... Critisizing the child's mother in front of the child... etc...

NONE of that is appropriate with any young child. EVER.
Especially a two year old. And one who is in this particular situation.

Some the advice here that seem to say that this is acceptable... or should be excused...

The undermining and critisizing the parent in front of their child is the absolute worst offense here. That should never, never, ever, happen... or be accepted.

I will also add that nowhere, at all, did the OP indicate that the two year old was really 'misbehaving'... She said "whiny and clingy"... This is a newly two year old 'walking-baby' for goodness sake.


And, even if this child was totally hell-on-wheels... The actions and behaviors of these grandparents is way, way, out of place.

OP, as I had said before... There is a history here. You have absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about.

The big thing is that you see this for what it is.
You see your parents for who they are.
It is always best to operate based on truth.
And then you can negotiate these things from a realisitic standpoint.
Not some kind of rose-colored-glasses, or wishful-thinking, or feeling bad and blaming yourself for their inappropriate words and actions.

You see a "history" and "red flags" in 99% of posts regarding inlaws.

 

[Art 1]

What is toddler anxiety? We didn't have that in the old days. It's like we're raising a generation of weak people with all the new abnormalities that society has created.