Long Vent: Parents visiting, new baby

[aristocatz]

Just need to vent-sorry its long!

We were blessed with the arrival of our second daughter last week She is healthy & beautiful & we could be more fortunate and thrilled.

We also have a very sweet 2 year old daughter. She is the sweetest little girl and usually very well behaved, but has a little shyness & toddler anxiety & we had already anticipated that this transition would be tough on her. We've been prepping her as much as you can prepare a newly 2 year old girl.

When I went into labor our fantastic daycare worker kept our daughter at her house and overnight until my parents arrived (my parents live a few hours away). We were so grateful, because my daughter can get very anxious around people she doesn't know and daycare is like a second home to her. She enjoys my parents as well.

My parents have always been very good to my daughter. Always complimenting her and playing with her & treated her as any proud grandparent would.

So, now we have been home from the hospital for several days & my daughter has been understandably having a hard time adjusting to all of these changes. She's had 3 different caregivers in the past week, slept in two different homes, and now adjusting to a new baby sister & houseguests (my parents). In addition, she has been battling a cold, so feeling a bit under the weather as well. So, she has been a bit more whiny & weepy, having some difficulty with transitions, very clingy to my DH & I, etc.... Everything came to a head on Sunday and she had the biggest meltdown she has ever had. I feel terrible for her. We have been trying to keep her routine as structured & regular as possible, been firm & consistent, but also choosing our battles wisely, and giving her lots of extra attention & praise for good behavior & every interaction she has given to her new sister. We have been including her with her new sister, but not forced or pressured her. We feel that when she is ready, she will increase her interest.

My parents, who are staying with us till tomorrow, have been horrible to my 2 year old As soon as we brought the newborn home, they have been ignoring my 2 year old & actually been treating her horribly now that she is having a hard time. They've been rolling their eyes at her, commenting that she is acting like a brat, criticizing my parenting, & saying wonderful things about my newborn right in front of her.

Last night I was ready to kick them out. My dad yelled at her & my 2 year old was mortified & ran to me crying in my arms. No one has ever yelled at her before. My DH & I can be firm with her when needed, but we just don't believe in yelling at a child as an effective way to parent. So far, we have not needed to. Speaking in a firm & calm voice, when needed, & explaining in simple terms, have worked out very successfully so far.

My dad spent my entire childhood yelling at me & my family. He still does-yells at my mom, his dog, store workers, etc... It caused alot of anxiety and issues for me as a child & I vowed I would never treat my children that way. Anyways, last night, I calmly cut him off & told him he is never to yell at my child & if he had calmly spoken to her, she would have listened. He proceeded to lecture me that I am not setting limits with her & she is acting like a brat. With all the calmness I could muster (to avoid making my daughter more upset & causing an uproar in my house), I asked him to stop telling me how to parent. He has been ignoring me ever since. They are leaving tomorrow.

I'm feeling a bit guilty about how aggravated I am. They were so helpful & kind to my daughter while we were at the hospital. & they have been a huge help to me with my newborn this week. But the way they have been treating my 2 year old, just because she is having a hard time, has been p!$$ing me off & making me so upset. She is a good girl, just having a hard time transitioning to so many changes.

Things will get better after they leave. Its just too bad that this joyous event had to turn so sour

 

[aaarcher86]

Just need to vent-sorry its long!

We were blessed with the arrival of our second daughter last week She is healthy & beautiful & we could be more fortunate and thrilled.

We also have a very sweet 2 year old daughter. She is the sweetest little girl and usually very well behaved, but has a little shyness & toddler anxiety & we had already anticipated that this transition would be tough on her. We've been prepping her as much as you can prepare a newly 2 year old girl.

When I went into labor our fantastic daycare worker kept our daughter at her house and overnight until my parents arrived (my parents live a few hours away). We were so grateful, because my daughter can get very anxious around people she doesn't know and daycare is like a second home to her. She enjoys my parents as well.

My parents have always been very good to my daughter. Always complimenting her and playing with her & treated her as any proud grandparent would.

So, now we have been home from the hospital for several days & my daughter has been understandably having a hard time adjusting to all of these changes. She's had 3 different caregivers in the past week, slept in two different homes, and now adjusting to a new baby sister & houseguests (my parents). In addition, she has been battling a cold, so feeling a bit under the weather as well. So, she has been a bit more whiny & weepy, having some difficulty with transitions, very clingy to my DH & I, etc.... Everything came to a head on Sunday and she had the biggest meltdown she has ever had. I feel terrible for her. We have been trying to keep her routine as structured & regular as possible, been firm & consistent, but also choosing our battles wisely, and giving her lots of extra attention & praise for good behavior & every interaction she has given to her new sister. We have been including her with her new sister, but not forced or pressured her. We feel that when she is ready, she will increase her interest.

My parents, who are staying with us till tomorrow, have been horrible to my 2 year old As soon as we brought the newborn home, they have been ignoring my 2 year old & actually been treating her horribly now that she is having a hard time. They've been rolling their eyes at her, commenting that she is acting like a brat, criticizing my parenting, & saying wonderful things about my newborn right in front of her.

Last night I was ready to kick them out. My dad yelled at her & my 2 year old was mortified & ran to me crying in my arms. No one has ever yelled at her before. My DH & I can be firm with her when needed, but we just don't believe in yelling at a child as an effective way to parent. So far, we have not needed to. Speaking in a firm & calm voice, when needed, & explaining in simple terms, have worked out very successfully so far.

My dad spent my entire childhood yelling at me & my family. He still does-yells at my mom, his dog, store workers, etc... It caused alot of anxiety and issues for me as a child & I vowed I would never treat my children that way. Anyways, last night, I calmly cut him off & told him he is never to yell at my child & if he had calmly spoken to her, she would have listened. He proceeded to lecture me that I am not setting limits with her & she is acting like a brat. With all the calmness I could muster (to avoid making my daughter more upset & causing an uproar in my house), I asked him to stop telling me how to parent. He has been ignoring me ever since. They are leaving tomorrow.

I'm feeling a bit guilty about how aggravated I am. They were so helpful & kind to my daughter while we were at the hospital. & they have been a huge help to me with my newborn this week. But the way they have been treating my 2 year old, just because she is having a hard time, has been p!$$ing me off & making me so upset. She is a good girl, just having a hard time transitioning to so many changes.

Things will get better after they leave. Its just too bad that this joyous event had to turn so sour

Such a bummer! At least it's just one more day. Still sucks that there's a sour taste from what should have been a really pleasant visit.

Maybe you can talk to your parents about it after they leave and there's some distance between the emotions of everything.

I also wouldn't discount that maybe you're about to hit the terrible 2's - which I know is exactly what you wanted to hear!

Good luck! Everyone's always a bit on edge the first little bit of a new baby! Hopefully you can just sit back and enjoy everyone and everything over the week and the holiday!

 

[aristocatz]

Such a bummer! At least it's just one more day. Still sucks that there's a sour taste from what should have been a really pleasant visit.

Maybe you can talk to your parents about it after they leave and there's some distance between the emotions of everything.

I also wouldn't discount that maybe you're about to hit the terrible 2's - which I know is exactly what you wanted to hear!

Good luck! Everyone's always a bit on edge the first little bit of a new baby! Hopefully you can just sit back and enjoy everyone and everything over the week and the holiday!

Thank you I'm sure part of it is terrible two's, or speeding up her terrible two's with all that is going on. I know my DD will pull through. It just kills me how they are all of the sudden treating her & viewing her, just because she is going through a rough patch.

 

[aaarcher86]

Thank you I'm sure part of it is terrible two's, or speeding up her terrible two's with all that is going on. I know my DD will pull through. It just kills me how they are all of the sudden treating her & viewing her, just because she is going through a rough patch.

Yeah that definitely stinks. You'd think it'd be easier to understand or deal with since they aren't around 24/7 like you are.

Super odd.

 

[ronandannette]

I intend this a kindly as possible, but given your other thread where you were clearly anxious about your first DD before-the-fact, is it possible that you're a little over-sensitive? The hormones alone will have you really, really messed up.

Try not to be so defensive on her behalf. Grandma & Grandpa still love her but as people get older then may have less patience for irritating behaviour. They've been gruffer with her than you would have liked but believe me, she'll not be permanently scarred. Your little family is in a MAJOR transition and having guests, even helpful ones, has added to the stress. Try to be gracious, sigh with relief as they pull out of the driveway and then get on with the business of adjusting to your new circumstances. Everything is going to be fine. Congratulations!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Their good acts early on do not excuse poor behavior on their part.
It is one more day.

But I would be having a conversation before the next encounter.

Just a heads up--2 can be tough in general. They don't stay babies forever and it is a time where they are learning independence while still very much needing mom and dad.

We got judged harshly for our parenting for behavior that was age appropriate. We had the only children for many years. And then nieces and nephews came along, their parenting revered--but lo and behold, they all learned.

But grandma and grandpa need to be spoken to before any future visits. Their perception of her will be colored by this age and circumstance appropriate emotional time. And that is unfair to her.

 

[jdb in AZ]

The transition is difficult. Our youngest grandson is 7 mos and his 3-yr-old bro "M" is still adjusting because he doesn't like to share mommy's attention, but he's definitely improving. While I spoil the baby, Grandpa (my DH) has really bonded with "M," enjoying a common interest in dinosaurs. They do things together that don't involve the baby, who's obviously too young.

When "M" does something to put the baby's life in danger, we intervene. Otherwise, we're there as friends while the parents do the parenting.

As the baby gets older and the kids learn to play together, we hope they'll become very close as brothers, but for now it's o.k. to give "M" something to do to keep his mind off sharing his life with the baby.

Another thought, OP, if you're celebrating the holidays, 'tis the season for the toddlers to be extra hyper, anxious, cranky, whiney, etc. A very experienced mom told a younger struggling mom that once all the decorations were put away, the kids would settle down.

Good luck. This too shall pass.

 

[aristocatz]

I intend this a kindly as possible, but given your other thread where you were clearly anxious about your first DD before-the-fact, is it possible that you're a little over-sensitive? The hormones alone will have you really, really messed up.

Try not to be so defensive on her behalf. Grandma & Grandpa still love her but as people get older then may have less patience for irritating behaviour. They've been gruffer with her than you would have liked but believe me, she'll not be permanently scarred. Your little family is in a MAJOR transition and having guests, even helpful ones, has added to the stress. Try to be gracious, sigh with relief as they pull out of the driveway and then get on with the business of adjusting to your new circumstances. Everything is going to be fine. Congratulations!

Thank you I do agree that my hormones are likely playing a part in this, as well as anticipated anxiety of how my DD would react to all this. I guess its also just a sore spot with my dad, who as mentioned is a yeller & was a bigtime yeller/emotional abuser growing up, & I saw history repeat itself on my DD the other night and it really got to me. I'm struggling with my aggravation, because I am grateful for the help with my newborn at the same time, but not so keen on their reaction to her or unwanted advice from a man who really shouldn't be giving parenting advice to anyone lol. I'm trying to remain calm & non-confrontational at this time-I don't want anymore negative feelings to this visit than need be. I might talk to them about it after they leave. At this point, I just want to focus on my immediate family & enjoy the rest of Hanukkah & the beginning of Christmas next week (we celebrate both!)

 

[sk!mom]

Good for you for standing up to your dad. You have every right to parent as you see fit.

One of my major goals as a parent of adults is to honor the boundaries that should be there without forcing them to establish those boundaries! I feel strongly about this because I share your experience of having to establish them and it certainly strained relationships.

Stand your ground! It gets easier with time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Has he stopped yelling? If he has, success!

As hard as it is, as a parent, it is your job to step in when needed for your family.

I am giving you a gold star.

 

[indygirl99]

I'm sorry you had this unfortunate encounter with your dad. My dad also was a verbal/emotional abuser so I get where you are coming from.

For what it is worth it sounds like you are doing exactly what is needed for your family. 2 years old and a new sibling can be a roller coaster time.

I am a mom of 6, grandma of 8 and a Newborn ICU nurse so I get to see things from many perspectives. I always tell my moms and dads in the hospital:

"It is hard for us as parents to realize our children are now grown up and parents themselves. We know all the good and bad things you have done and we worry about the grandchildren. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we don't have to worry about all those things that go into raising a child, our job is to spoil the grandchildren."

I also remind the grandparents of this, that their job is to spoil not raise the baby.


It takes more than a couple of weeks for a sibling to come to grips with a new baby and as time goes on your dad will see harmony between your kids and hopefully come to grips with it also.

Unfortunately you will have to have the conversation with him that yelling is not allowed in your house, it is not a form of discipline you use, and unfortunately you will have to have the discussion more than once.

Congratulations on the new baby and have a wonderful holiday.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It sounds like there is a history here...
You have nothing, at all, to feel bad about.

You have to look out for the best interest of your children.
And, right now, that seems to apply to your two year old.

You know who/how your dad is.
My thoughts are that, moving forward, you shouldalways operate with that reality.
Not 'wishful thinking'.

That seems to be exactly how you handled things in this stressful situation.

Contratulations on your new precious beautiful baby!
And, to the new 'big sister' too!

 

[Art 1]

Maybe your dad has a point.

 

[NFLDERS]

I intend this a kindly as possible, but given your other thread where you were clearly anxious about your first DD before-the-fact, is it possible that you're a little over-sensitive? The hormones alone will have you really, really messed up.

Try not to be so defensive on her behalf. Grandma & Grandpa still love her but as people get older then may have less patience for irritating behaviour. They've been gruffer with her than you would have liked but believe me, she'll not be permanently scarred. Your little family is in a MAJOR transition and having guests, even helpful ones, has added to the stress. Try to be gracious, sigh with relief as they pull out of the driveway and then get on with the business of adjusting to your new circumstances. Everything is going to be fine. Congratulations!

THIS! Plus give that grump of a Dad a big bear hug! Because, in spite of him you read like one fantastic MOMMY, and lady.

Congratulations!

 

[JanaDee]

I intend this a kindly as possible, but given your other thread where you were clearly anxious about your first DD before-the-fact, is it possible that you're a little over-sensitive? The hormones alone will have you really, really messed up. Try not to be so defensive on her behalf. Grandma & Grandpa still love her but as people get older then may have less patience for irritating behaviour. They've been gruffer with her than you would have liked but believe me, she'll not be permanently scarred. Your little family is in a MAJOR transition and having guests, even helpful ones, has added to the stress. Try to be gracious, sigh with relief as they pull out of the driveway and then get on with the business of adjusting to your new circumstances. Everything is going to be fine. Congratulations!

Yup. Your hormones and anxiety are causing you to overreact.

 

[Christine]

OP, this is a tough situation. Some friends of mine just had a baby (oldest was just a wee bit over 2) and she kind of turned into a monster!!

Anyway, the lesson learned from this really is that when a family has a baby and they need parental help, ONE person should show up!! I often see a family have a new baby and then it will be grand central station with all the grandparents coming to "help." It's just too much. I know not everyone can work it out. I was very fortunate that when both my kids were born, my mom came and stayed with me for 2 weeks and left "grandpa" at home. With all of those emotions, it's too hard having even one excess guest in the home, nevermind, a set of grandparents who have their own dynamic going.

My poor friend had both sets of in laws come AT THE SAME TIME. It caused all sorts of issues, especially with the 2 year old.

 

[cabanafrau]

New baby, DD 1 having her routine upset and getting a cold, holidays coming, guests in the house, feelings about old conflicts and you saying you were anxious about DD's adjustment to baby ahead of time -- that's a lot to deal with on top of fatigue and hormonal overload. Handle things the best you can and try to keep in mind that perhaps your judgment may not be as crystal clear as it seems, so try not to keep anger burning if possible.

First Christmas with two little ones, exhausting, but one you'll probably always treasure.

 

[pooh4evr]

My older girls are exactly the same amount apart as yours. I remember when #2 was born I felt so so so guilty! Weird I guess- but I was also extremely depressed bad PPD. So alot of the beginning is cloudy. Anyway, Once your parents leave things will calm down, keep DD#1 on her routine, daycare and other normal activities she does (at least that's what we did). It will take time but all will be OK. Yelling is kind of part of parenting- I don't enjoy yelling at my kids but hey we all have a bad day , but they are 13, 11 and 7 now and wow some days are nuts! Maybe Grandpa is really tired and ready to go home too, I am sure dealing with a newborn, a 2 yr old and not being in their own home isn't helping his mood. As they say- This too shall pass!

 

[Skywalker]

Well...extended family in close quarters, plus new baby, plus Holiday Time, plus a misbehaving (understandably or not) 2-year-old...it can all add up to a stressful time for everyone. You could give your father some slack too. He yelled at her, but if you say he has been a yeller all his life I am sure it won't be the last time she hears him yell, and I am surprised it is the first. Some people are just yellers. You should hear my French Canadian in-laws!

Not saying he was right, but if you indulge your daughter too much it can lead to some manipulative behavior. Also, it is fine for her to learn that some people yell. I had a friend who "never yelled" at her son. The first time a teacher had to raise her voice with him he was nearly in hysterics like it was the end of the world.

I can't understand how you say your dad has been an emotional abuser all his life, but yet you turn to him / them to help you with your children. What did you expect? If you trust your parents to turn to them when you need help he doesn't sound all that bad.

I have little ones...I KNOW we want to protect them from hurt...but they are resilient. Grandpa's just louder and more irritable than mommy and daddy. He wouldn't be the first lol.

 

[Laura66]

Well...extended family in close quarters, plus new baby, plus Holiday Time, plus a misbehaving (understandably or not) 2-year-old...it can all add up to a stressful time for everyone. You could give your father some slack too. He yelled at her, but if you say he has been a yeller all his life I am sure it won't be the last time she hears him yell, and I am surprised it is the first. Some people are just yellers. You should hear my French Canadian in-laws!

Not saying he was right, but if you indulge your daughter too much it can lead to some manipulative behavior. Also, it is fine for her to learn that some people yell. I had a friend who "never yelled" at her son. The first time a teacher had to raise her voice with him he was nearly in hysterics like it was the end of the world.

I can't understand how you say your dad has been an emotional abuser all his life, but yet you turn to him / them to help you with your children. What did you expect? If you trust your parents to turn to them when you need help he doesn't sound all that bad.

I have little ones...I KNOW we want to protect them from hurt...but they are resilient. Grandpa's just louder and more irritable than mommy and daddy. He wouldn't be the first lol.

This is pretty much my observation of the situation. I give everyone - your dad, you, mom a pass in this situation! I'd apologize to your dad and explain you over reacted before he leave so you're on good terms.