Long Story: Need Advice UPDATE POST #46

[Cindyluwho]

Okay, here goes:
While in college I had 3 friends, let's call them Abbie, Joe and Jan, 30 years later I am still close to all of them. Abbie was very attractive was Joe's first ever girlfriend. He was madly in love with her but she broke up with him for someone else. Joe then dated Jan and they married. Jan and Abbie never got along, Jan was always very jealous and would not allow Abbie and Joe to remain friends.

I have remained friends with all 3 of them thru the years and have just found out that since last Spring, Abbie and Joe have been seeing each other. She is still an amazingly beautiful woman and it's no secret that Joe has always been in love with her. Jan is a wife, homemaker, teacher and mother. A typical mom of 3 kids, ages 14-20. She knows something is going on between Joe and Abbie but has no proof. She is terrified that Joe will leave her for Abbie. She feels that she is a middle aged woman who just can't compete with her.

I feel completely caught in the middle here. I don't want to listen to either side of this crap! I don't care that they've always loved each other. And I agree with Jan that it would be hard to hold Joe if he's still in love with Abbie, but I don't want to hurt her and say that out loud!

So...the question...
Does a plain, middle-aged woman stand a chance over her husband's first true love?

 

[Christine]

O
So...the question...
Does a plain, middle-aged woman stand a chance over her husband's first true love?

Yes and no.

If Joe "settled" for Jan, but always loved Abbie, I think there's trouble. If they are truly seeing each other, then you have your answer.

If a man has a "first love" but appropriately gets past it and finds a new love, darn right, the middle aged, average woman will be just fine.

It sounds to me though that Joe settled for Jan. Jan's insecurity is a big clue that she probably knows he never felt for her what he felt for Abbie. Trouble.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since they are seeing each other, my vote is no. Joe has always wanted Abbie and he finally is getting his wish. It has nothing to do with Jan being middle aged.

I have to ask if you know they are seeing each other for sure and if you told Jan that you know they are seeing each other?

 

[dislaney]

Jan's insecurity over Abbie speaks volumes. If I was Jan I wouldn't want to hold on to Joe.
In this case I don't think she stands a chance unless Abbie is just playing with Joe's feelings and then Joe will come back to Jan when he gets his heart broken again.
I don't think I would want to be in the middle of this one.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I would never leave my current wife for my first love. Then again, I would never cheat on my wife. If he is a cheat, he has no integrity and cannot be trusted with anything. Pretty simple. She should be happy to see him go...

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Wow, a man who would cheat on his family, and another woman who would willingly have a relationship with a man, jeopardizing his family and hurting his current wife.

I know life is full of grays, but they are being deceitful, and consciously acting in a way that is detrimental to a family. I'd seriously rethink my friendship with them.

 

[FireDancer]

From the OP I would think Jan and Abbie are in around the same age group. So isn't one middle aged person competing with another middle aged person?

While there is usually a special place everyone holds in their memory for their first love I don't think that in itself would cause Joe to cheat. If he is willing to cheat he is willing to cheat. If he no longer loves Jan or feels as though she has let herself go and he no longer desires her he either needs to work on that (along with Jan) or leave.

I don't think people who cheat for any reason have any integrity.

 

[mickeyboat]

I would tell Joe and Abbie that I don't want to have any part of hurting Jan and that if they don't tell Jan what's going on, you will. Jan deserves to know that her H is cheating on her so that she can make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to stay with him.

Once Jan knows what Joe has done, and possibly threatens to leave, Joe might decide that the other side of the fence isn't so green after all.

I would also be rethinking my relationship with Joe and Abbie.

 

[frndshpcptn]

From the OP I would think Jan and Abbie are in around the same age group. So isn't one middle aged person competing with another middle aged person?

While there is usually a special place everyone holds in their memory for their first love I don't think that in itself would cause Joe to cheat. If he is willing to cheat he is willing to cheat. If he no longer loves Jan or feels as though she has let herself go and he no longer desires her he either needs to work on that (along with Jan) or leave.

I don't think people who cheat for any reason have any integrity.

I 100% agree with this.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

From the OP I would think Jan and Abbie are in around the same age group. So isn't one middle aged person competing with another middle aged person?

While there is usually a special place everyone holds in their memory for their first love I don't think that in itself would cause Joe to cheat. If he is willing to cheat he is willing to cheat. If he no longer loves Jan or feels as though she has let herself go and he no longer desires her he either needs to work on that (along with Jan) or leave.

I don't think people who cheat for any reason have any integrity.

Same age group--but I'd bet dollars to donuts that ABbie is much hotter in appearance and hasn't had gravity affect her perhaps in a manner has it has Jan. Thus not only is first love enticing, it makes it seem as though he got his choice wrong.

I agree with your sentiments.

Joe is scum.

 

[johnsontrio]

Okay, here goes:
While in college I had 3 friends, let's call them Abbie, Joe and Jan, 30 years later I am still close to all of them. Abbie was very attractive was Joe's first ever girlfriend. He was madly in love with her but she broke up with him for someone else. Joe then dated Jan and they married. Jan and Abbie never got along, Jan was always very jealous and would not allow Abbie and Joe to remain friends.

I have remained friends with all 3 of them thru the years and have just found out that since last Spring, Abbie and Joe have been seeing each other. She is still an amazingly beautiful woman and it's no secret that Joe has always been in love with her. Jan is a wife, homemaker, teacher and mother. A typical mom of 3 kids, ages 14-20. She knows something is going on between Joe and Abbie but has no proof. She is terrified that Joe will leave her for Abbie. She feels that she is a middle aged woman who just can't compete with her.

I feel completely caught in the middle here. I don't want to listen to either side of this crap! I don't care that they've always loved each other. And I agree with Jan that it would be hard to hold Joe if he's still in love with Abbie, but I don't want to hurt her and say that out loud!

So...the question...
Does a plain, middle-aged woman stand a chance over her husband's first true love?

I don't think that plain middle-aged has anything to do with this. IMHO there could be a couple different things going on that immediately come to mind. 1) It could be that Joe never really loved Jan like he loves Abbie and he has been pining for her for years despite their marriage and family life. She may be able to fulfill emotional needs that Jan never has. 2) Joe could be going through a mid-life crises and is willing to throw away all those years and his family for something new and shiny, no explanation needed as we see it all the time right here on the DIS.

Although she has plenty reason to be jealous of Abbie, Jan has done herself no favor if she has been honest about her jealousy over Jan. If she has been afraid all these years that Abbie is a threat, she has confirmed the fact in her husband's mind that Abbie offers something that Jan does not. I don't think that her age, weight, hair color etc.. has anything to do with her husband staying or going. If he is emotionally bonded to Jan and loves her he will stay. He may also stay if he is that kind of man that honors his commitments. It doesn't bode well that he is cheating already.

If I were you I'd be Switzerland. There is no way you are going to win if you pick sides. Stand back and let the chips fall where they may. Offer support where you can. It's hard to watch your friends and families fall apart.

 

[johnsontrio]

I would tell Joe and Abbie that I don't want to have any part of hurting Jan and that if they don't tell Jan what's going on, you will. Jan deserves to know that her H is cheating on her so that she can make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to stay with him.

Once Jan knows what Joe has done, and possibly threatens to leave, Joe might decide that the other side of the fence isn't so green after all.

I would also be rethinking my relationship with Joe and Abbie.

I think you might want to assess your friendships with them once this all settles out. IDK about telling Jan what you know. I've heard horror stories about women that really didn't want to know and/or don't believe you once you tell them and turn things around on you to make you the bad guy. It's a hard decision to make considering the potential exposure to infectious diseases etc...

 

[Disney Doll]

Abbie & Joe are scum. Jan will do well to be rid of him. Advise Jan to start the divorce preparation.

Get a handle on her finances.
Copies of all financial papers.
Copies of recent tax returns.
Don't forget about retirement stuff.
Get any items of sentimental value out of the house.
Keep some notes about Joe's goings on and behavior.
Get a job.

 

[agnes!]

Abbie & Joe are scum. Jan will do well to be rid of him. Advise Jan to start the divorce preparation.

Get a handle on her finances.
Copies of all financial papers.
Copies of recent tax returns.
Don't forget about retirement stuff.
Get any items of sentimental value out of the house.
Keep some notes about Joe's goings on and behavior.
Get a job.

And get tested for every STD known to man.

agnes!

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Okay, here goes:
While in college I had 3 friends, let's call them Abbie, Joe and Jan, 30 years later I am still close to all of them. Abbie was very attractive was Joe's first ever girlfriend. He was madly in love with her but she broke up with him for someone else. Joe then dated Jan and they married. Jan and Abbie never got along, Jan was always very jealous and would not allow Abbie and Joe to remain friends.

I have remained friends with all 3 of them thru the years and have just found out that since last Spring, Abbie and Joe have been seeing each other. She is still an amazingly beautiful woman and it's no secret that Joe has always been in love with her. Jan is a wife, homemaker, teacher and mother. A typical mom of 3 kids, ages 14-20. She knows something is going on between Joe and Abbie but has no proof. She is terrified that Joe will leave her for Abbie. She feels that she is a middle aged woman who just can't compete with her.

I feel completely caught in the middle here. I don't want to listen to either side of this crap! I don't care that they've always loved each other. And I agree with Jan that it would be hard to hold Joe if he's still in love with Abbie, but I don't want to hurt her and say that out loud!

So...the question...
Does a plain, middle-aged woman stand a chance over her husband's first true love?

Is Abbie married too? Does she have any children?

I think Joe is trying to recapture his youth and is in love with someone who no longer exists, except in the past.

I don't think age is relative. Does the wife stand a chance against his dreamgirl is more the question.

Are you going to tell Jan that Joe and Abbie are screwing around behind her back? Are you still friends with them knowing what they are doing to Jan?

 

[Kathi OD]

Okay, here goes:
While in college I had 3 friends, let's call them Abbie, Joe and Jan, 30 years later I am still close to all of them. Abbie was very attractive was Joe's first ever girlfriend. He was madly in love with her but she broke up with him for someone else. Joe then dated Jan and they married. Jan and Abbie never got along, Jan was always very jealous and would not allow Abbie and Joe to remain friends.

I have remained friends with all 3 of them thru the years and have just found out that since last Spring, Abbie and Joe have been seeing each other. She is still an amazingly beautiful woman and it's no secret that Joe has always been in love with her. Jan is a wife, homemaker, teacher and mother. A typical mom of 3 kids, ages 14-20. She knows something is going on between Joe and Abbie but has no proof. She is terrified that Joe will leave her for Abbie. She feels that she is a middle aged woman who just can't compete with her.

I feel completely caught in the middle here. I don't want to listen to either side of this crap! I don't care that they've always loved each other. And I agree with Jan that it would be hard to hold Joe if he's still in love with Abbie, but I don't want to hurt her and say that out loud!

So...the question...
Does a plain, middle-aged woman stand a chance over her husband's first true love?

Here's a question...How do you know that Abbie and Joe are seeing each other? Who is telling you this? If it isn't Joe, then I would take it all with a grain of salt.

It's not your place to say anything to anyone. I would just tell everyone that you would rather not discuss the state of their relationships, and then not discuss it.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I don't know for a fact that they are having a sexual relationship. I do know that they are seeing each other; lunches, drinks, etc. I not only do NOT ask about their relationship, I try to steer the conversation away from it as much as possible with all 3 of them. But I do see them in social situations and I am their one friend in common.

Joe has never kept it a secret that he has always been in love with Abbey, he has asked about her repeatedly over the years. Same with Abbey in regards to Joe.

And yes, Abbey is married as well. The situation is definately a hornet's nest and at this point I am staying away as much as possible without making Jan feel like I've abandoned her. That being said, I will NOT say anything to Jan. I'm just not one of those people. I'd rather listen and be supportive that way, not run to someone and tell them something they seem to already know. Besides, Jan can be quite abrasive and I can see me coming out the bad guy in this situation if I gave any info at all

The only positive thing I can say at this point is that both Abbey and Joe have been totally commited to their 20 year marriages until they've gotten back together. And they both seem to be 110% happier in the last 6 months since they've been seeing each other. But please don't get the idea that I condone their behavior in any way, I'm just saying that I can see the difference. What a freak show!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So you know as much as Jan then, right?

I think in the end you will have to choose in this situation if it goes south.

 

[palmtreegirl]

Wow, a man who would cheat on his family, and another woman who would willingly have a relationship with a man, jeopardizing his family and hurting his current wife.

I know life is full of grays, but they are being deceitful, and consciously acting in a way that is detrimental to a family. I'd seriously rethink my friendship with them.

I agree. They sound very selfish and immature to me.

 

[Cindyluwho]

So you know as much as Jan then, right?

I think in the end you will have to choose in this situation if it goes south.

Jan doesn't know that they've been having lunch, etc. And as far as choosing sides, that's something I never, ever do when my friends split. I don't live in their skins and I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, there's no reason for me to take sides. If the worst (?) happened and Jan and Joe split, and then Jan told me I couldn't be her friend if I was friends with Joe & Abbey. Then that's HER making the choice, not me.