Long long lloooonnng thread - relationship advice needed

[aaaah - confused]

I'm a regular poster, using another name for privacy.
Also because I know this is going to earn me some flames:
I'm in my early 20s and have been with my BF for 4+ years, since we were at school. We are what you would call serious, although BF is being slow to commit to buying a place together - so at the moment our relationship, although good, is kind of just plodding along at the moment. Because we dont live together we dont see each other too much as there just isnt an abundance of places to go. We both still live at with our parents.

There is a man in my town who is kind of a 'local celebrity' because that everyone knows him for being exceptionally good looking (think a hotter version of Brad Pitt - yes really). He works in our local store so I often see him and we chat, just like everyone else chats to him. He is a very very very attractive guy and really very nice to talk to.
So I'm unpacking my groceries this morning and find 'text me...' and his cell phone number on the back of my receipt.

I am the kind of girl who has genuinely never looked in the direction of another man while I've been with BF in 'that' sense. But while I'm sat here alone on yet another boring Sunday because BF is sat at home in front of his play station, STILL not ready to commit to moving in with me, I am filled with curiosity.

Of course the regular 'me' side of myself is thinking 'don't be an idiot, I love BF, things will get better when he is finally ready to move in,don't throw four years away because I am probably just flattered someone so attractive would like me'.

but the other side thinks 'well there's no ring on my finger, this is probably the most delicious man ever to walk the earth, i'm young, it's only a text message, BF isn't exactly throwing himself at me'.....

I would welcome any advice at all, particularly from someone older and wiser who has been there. I am not tempted to run off with this man of course, but if I'm honest, I really am tempted to text message him.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

I think if you are considering dating other people, you should let your BF know. It sounds like after 4 years that if your BF isn't ready to move on with your relationship, it is perfectly reasonable to want something more and to look elsewhere. You should be honest with your BF about your feelings. Either it will prompt him to think about your future together, or he will agree that you should see other people. Either way, it will be a step in SOME direction.

Whatever you do, I don't think you should cheat on your BF. If you do, you will ruin the trust between the two of you.

Too bad you can't post a pic! That guy sounds heavenly!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK....let's examine...

#1)
Reality-check.
It is not about the "good-looking dude". He is what you call a "catalyst".
Since he sent you that message you are now forced once again to "look" at your situation.

#2)
Do exactly that. Look at your situation. I would say to you that while you are with your BF for 4 yrs., it is clear to you that he is not committed.

#3)
Tell BF that you are looking for more than he can give you and that is not fair to him, so you are going to break it off with him for now.

Now you are free to text, date, etc...That is the grown up way to handle the situation.

 

[Laurabearz]

I think if you are considering dating other people, you should let your BF know. It sounds like after 4 years that if your BF isn't ready to move on with your relationship, it is perfectly reasonable to want something more and to look elsewhere. You should be honest with your BF about your feelings. Either it will prompt him to think about your future together, or he will agree that you should see other people. Either way, it will be a step in SOME direction.

Whatever you do, I don't think you should cheat on your BF. If you do, you will ruin the trust between the two of you.

Too bad you can't post a pic! That guy sounds heavenly!

I totally agree!

 

[aaaah - confused]

Too bad you can't post a pic! That guy sounds heavenly!

lol - he is, what he wants with boring old me, i just dont know!

 

[Planogirl]

Investigate this hot guy! But first be up front with the boyfriend so that there's no misunderstanding. Then find out what the guy wants. And good luck! This sounds intriguing.

 

[aaaah - confused]

No flames from me at all.

I would definitely contact this man. Why not. You don't have to do anything with him, perhaps have a coffee, get to know him?

Your line: But while I'm sat here alone on yet another boring Sunday because BF is sat at home in front of his play station, STILL not ready to commit to moving in with me, I am filled with curiosity. REALLY hit home with me.

Sweetie, your BF will not change. I am not saying to throw 4 years away, but life passes you by VERY quickly, and why sit by waiting for your BF to suddenly want to move in with you. When DH and I were dating, we spend EVERY single moment we could together, and we both wanted it this way.

Before I met DH I was dating someone that sounds EXACTLY like your BF, and I would do anything he wanted, go out, sit in, wait for him, etc. Thank god I grew up and grew wise. He is alone today, and probably playing playstation himself..

I would consider calling this man, see what happens.

mommasita, not sure if this will work but im bring your post over here from my triple post.....

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Am I the only one rolling their eyes over "text me?" Whatever happened to "my number is 555-5555. Give me a call!"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Am I the only one rolling their eyes over "text me?" Whatever happened to "my number is 555-5555. Give me a call!"

I didn't roll my eyes but I have never "texted" in my life. So I would have had to ask for his phone number.

 

[mommasita]

I didn't roll my eyes but I have never "texted" in my life. So I would have had to ask for his phone number.

Ditto..I don't even know where to begin.

 

[aaaah - confused]

Am I the only one rolling their eyes over "text me?" Whatever happened to "my number is 555-5555. Give me a call!"

 

[LiteBrite]

You know, the hot guy at the grocery store sounds problematic to me. I get that he's really good looking, but what else does he have going for him? Do you have some reason to believe that he's fun, or intelligent, or a good person? And why the heck doesn't he just call you himself if he's interested in you, instead of writing some cryptic message on the back of your receipt that puts all the responsibility on you?

Just the fact that you refer to him as a "local celebrity" puts me in mind of a couple of losers I've known in my life with overinflated egos and not much to back them up. I'm very open to being told I'm wrong about this if you have evidence to the contrary.

I also have to agree with others that you need to be open with your current boyfriend about this. If the two of you are looking for different things in your relationship, after four years together it's about time to figure that out. Sneaking around behind his back will not be worth the trouble it will cause in the long run.

 

[CEDmom]

I posted this on your other thread

I think you need to ask yourself what it is that's making your BF hesitant to committing to moving your relationship along. I think you also have to ask yourself why you aren't spending more time together.

My DH and I didn't live together before we got married but we spent every weekend together. We didn't have to do anything special, we just wanted to be together. Sometimes we'd just lay on the couch reading the paper or go for a walk. Nothing special, just time together.

I wouldn't bring another person into the relationship until you get a clear understanding from your BF as to where things are going. Also, getting involved with someone else in an effort to make your BF jealous and prehaps propose is a recipe for disaster.

I hope things work out for the best.

 

[aaaah - confused]

You know, the hot guy at the grocery store sounds problematic to me. I get that he's really good looking, but what else does he have going for him? Do you have some reason to believe that he's fun, or intelligent, or a good person? And why the heck doesn't he just call you himself if he's interested in you, instead of writing some cryptic message on the back of your receipt that puts all the responsibility on you?

Just the fact that you refer to him as a "local celebrity" puts me in mind of a couple of losers I've known in my life with overinflated egos and not much to back them up. I'm very open to being told I'm wrong about this if you have evidence to the contrary.

I also have to agree with others that you need to be open with your current boyfriend about this. If the two of you are looking for different things in your relationship, after four years together it's about time to figure that out. Sneaking around behind his back will not be worth the trouble it will cause in the long run.

Litebrite, I think you make some really really good points. I DON'T have a clue what this guy is like. He may be a dumb, boring, narcisist for all I know. I do know that he doesn't come across arrogant or vain (and those traits make my skin crawl). But then how well can I know him from a couple of conversations at the store. To be honest, I think that's what intregues me more than anything - finding out what he's like as a person. He certainly doesnt seem like he has a huge ego, he is very sweet and patient with the young girls and old ladies that go in the store just to bat their eyelashes at him. But truthfully, I don't know him at all.

Just to add - the texting thing is normal where I come from, even my grandparents text, someone asking you to 'call' them in this context would be weird here!

 

[rie'smom]

A hot guy in a grocery store vs. a BF of 4 years? Talk to your BF before you make a very unwise move. If as you say you live in a small town,then if you plan to meet "Brad Pitt",on the sly,it won't remain a secret very long.

 

[aaaah - confused]

I posted this on your other thread

I think you need to ask yourself what it is that's making your BF hesitant to committing to moving your relationship along. I think you also have to ask yourself why you aren't spending more time together.

My DH and I didn't live together before we got married but we spent every weekend together. We didn't have to do anything special, we just wanted to be together. Sometimes we'd just lay on the couch reading the paper or go for a walk. Nothing special, just time together.

I wouldn't bring another person into the relationship until you get a clear understanding from your BF as to where things are going. Also, getting involved with someone else in an effort to make your BF jealous and prehaps propose is a recipe for disaster.

I hope things work out for the best.

CEDmom, if I'm honest, in BF's defence - we both still live at home and neither of our parents' operate an 'open house' policy, so unless we go to the movies or for dinner, we are very limited in our options. On the other hand, he doesn't exactly bust a gut trying to find stuff to do together or grabbing every opportunity. Of course, before this guy gave me his number, I hadn't even noticed BF was like this.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Early 20's? You are just getting to the point where you will begin to know what you want in life. If you don't take the time to explore it now, you're going to wake up at 40 wondering how the heck you got there.

I got married at 28. I thought that I would never get married...and I was so afraid I would be alone my whole life. I dated a dozen or more guys during my 20's...and when it was right, we knew. We've been married 12 years and feel like we'll be married for life.

If your boyfriend isn't sure of that, he either needs more time to be sure...or he isn't the right one. But pushing him to make a decision will end up making things stressed for the both of you in the end.

I think you should take your number to the hot guy and tell him to call you if he wants a date. Don't get into a position where you're chasing him...it'll always be that way. If you go out on a date and find that you have a connection, THEN tell your BF.

Good luck--keep us posted!

 

[aaaah - confused]

I hope it's ok for me to add some of my own thoughts here, following everyone's kind advice.

I guess that having this guy who is very attractive and very sweet interested in me has highlighted everything bad about BF.

Things with BF aren't bad at the moment per se, just frustrating as I'm ready to make the next move and he is kind of just plodding along on several matters.

On the other hand, none of this stuff bothered me yesterday BEFORE the note. Yesterday I was a perfectly happy girlfriend eating dinner with her BF and thinking how great he is.

 

[aaaah - confused]

Early 20's? You are just getting to the point where you will begin to know what you want in life. If you don't take the time to explore it now, you're going to wake up at 40 wondering how the heck you got there.

I got married at 28. I thought that I would never get married...and I was so afraid I would be alone my whole life. I dated a dozen or more guys during my 20's...and when it was right, we knew. We've been married 12 years and feel like we'll be married for life.

If your boyfriend isn't sure of that, he either needs more time to be sure...or he isn't the right one. But pushing him to make a decision will end up making things stressed for the both of you in the end.

I think you should take your number to the hot guy and tell him to call you if he wants a date. Don't get into a position where you're chasing him...it'll always be that way. If you go out on a date and find that you have a connection, THEN tell your BF.

Good luck--keep us posted!

Thanks Rafiki, I certainly am curious to see if there is a connection. To be honest I'm hoping to find there isn't one at all and that this has been just a 'blip' and I can happily go back to BF (because despite some frustrations, I am very happy with him). What scares me of course is that there WILL be a connection and I'll have opened a big can'o'worms.
I'm also kind of scared of NOT texting this guy and wondering in 10 years time, what might've been?

 

[LiteBrite]

I hope it's ok for me to add some of my own thoughts here, following everyone's kind advice.

I guess that having this guy who is very attractive and very sweet interested in me has highlighted everything bad about BF.

Things with BF aren't bad at the moment per se, just frustrating as I'm ready to make the next move and he is kind of just plodding along on several matters.

On the other hand, none of this stuff bothered me yesterday BEFORE the note. Yesterday I was a perfectly happy girlfriend eating dinner with her BF and thinking how great he is.

The note may have been the wakeup call you were needing. Whether or not the hot guy at the grocery store is a good idea, if just a little note from him was enough to make you question your relationship, then there was probably dissatisfaction lurking just beneath the surface. Time to take a good hard look, which does not necessarily mean you'll end up breaking up with your boyfriend. It could lead to some positive changes in your relationship. Either way, don't ignore the way you're feeling about it now.