Long long lloooonnng thread - relationship advice needed

[aaaah - confused]

The note may have been the wakeup call you were needing. Whether or not the hot guy at the grocery store is a good idea, if just a little note from him was enough to make you question your relationship, then there was probably dissatisfaction lurking just beneath the surface. Time to take a good hard look, which does not necessarily mean you'll end up breaking up with your boyfriend. It could lead to some positive changes in your relationship. Either way, don't ignore the way you're feeling about it now.

Thanks Litebrite, that seems like a good point. It has definitely made me realise that there are some issues with BF - but it also hasnt stopped me loving him, or looking forward to seeing him. It seems like it might be a positive thing because it's highlighted these issues. Also because it's given me the confidence to talk to BF because it's made me feel attractive, confident and strong - in a weird way.

 

[debbiedoo]

The note may have been the wakeup call you were needing.

This is what I was thinking, this may be a wake-up call.

To the OP, I know when I was with a a cerain person we always use to spend tiime together, whether at the movies, going for a ride up to the mountains, going to the beach for a weekend, etc. . .we made time for each other even in our hectic lives. I think this may be a wake-up call to how do you want your live. . . .

Best of luck to you, whether with the new mysterious guy, the current BF, or even down the road someone else.

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

I think you have been given great advice so far!

I just wanted to add to make sure that your BF doesn't suddenly become interested in the future of your relationship just because he is afraid to lose you to someone else.

I think you deserve more concrete answers about your future as a couple without any other factors involved. Good luck!

 

[kimisabella]

OK - I have to throw my 2 cents in here. I went out with someone from the time I was 16 - 23 ... He was my first love, high school sweetheart, ect, ect. We had a good relationship, he was a nice guy, very caring, ect., but lacked motivation. He went from one job to another (didn't go to college) and I guess expected his parents to take care of him (they are wealthy). Anyway, I was getting frustrated with the relationship because he would always push off talking about getting more serious (engaged) so I went out with one of my girlfriends one summer night, and, you guessed it, I met my dh. I actually rolled my eyes at him and walked away when he came up to me with a cheesy one-liner, but, he persisted, and tried to talk to me all night and eventually I had a conversation with him and he was funny, had a good personality, had a good steady job. I did give him my number when he asked me for it at the end of the night, but, he later told me that he figured the number was a fake because I didn't seem interested . Anywhoo - the point is that you have to really look inside yourself and see if the situation with your bf is good for now - do you see yourself with him in the same situation 1, 2, 3, or 5 years from now?? That was the problem w/me - I saw that I spent almost 7 years with someone and it didn't seem that we were going to go to the next level and I didn't want to waste any more time even though he was a loving person. My dh proved himself to be a fun, caring, loving person, he wanted exactly what I wanted (a home, a family) and proposed to me after 9 months of dating. On the other hand, this grocery guy is cute, but, is he just cute? I am assuming at this point in your life you don't want to spend another couple of years dating someone that isn't marriage material. If you are curious about the grocery guy, you will have to find out more about him to be able to make an educated decision on whether he is someone you are willing to leave a relationship over. Good luck!

 

[Acklander]

Early 20's - boyfriend is happy with things, as is, while he lives at home with his parents - hot guy is interested in you. If it was me, I'd go for it. Gorgeous guy or not, it sounds like you're outgrowing your bf - and now is the time to sow your wild oats, not later. Either way though, it sounds like a turning point in your life, don't you think?

 

[Disney Doll]

OK....let's examine...

#1)
Reality-check.
It is not about the "good-looking dude". He is what you call a "catalyst".
Since he sent you that message you are now forced once again to "look" at your situation.

#2)
Do exactly that. Look at your situation. I would say to you that while you are with your BF for 4 yrs., it is clear to you that he is not committed.

#3)
Tell BF that you are looking for more than he can give you and that is not fair to him, so you are going to break it off with him for now.

Now you are free to text, date, etc...That is the grown up way to handle the situation.

This is very good advice.

You know, you're young. You probably shouldn't tie yourself down to one guy. I am sure oyur BF is a great guy, but maybe you two need to see what else is out there for both of you. If it's meant to be, it wil be. And if it's not, then better you should find out now, don't you think?

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I just want to say be careful about getting caught up in the "I've invested 4 years into this relationship" way of thinking. You may become afraid and/or comfortable and don't want to give up all that time and energy for the unkown. You don't want to regret giving up something that might be good or has potential, but then again it could just as easily end up looking back in another 10 years and regretting that you've now invested 14 years and feel like you've really wasted time. It's a risk that only you can decide if it's worth taking or not. I'd personally go for it based on what you've shared.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am gonna go out on a limb here, and just give my gut feeling.

If BF is this way, and has been this way for 4 years..... well, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck. I know that they are young, and may not be ready for marriage, house with a picket fence, and 2.5 children. But, he can't even get off his duff put away the video game to spend time with with the woman who loves him.

Yes, you have 'invested' four years in this relationship. However, any investor knows the old mantra that you simply do not throw good money after bad.

I know how hard it can be to create change, and consider ending a long term relationship. But, if I were the OP I would be doing some deep soul searching, and asking myself if I would be happy ten years from now, taking care of the house, kids, everything, and still spending 'lonely' weekends, cause my DH just 'isn't quite ready or motivated' enough to connect emotionally and to put his fair share into the marriage. Remember, some guys, like Peter Pan, just don't want to grow up, and are happy to live in never-never-land.

OP: You need to think about this and make your decision, regardless of 'hot guy'. You should make a decision to be in a relationship, based on that relationship, not the fact that there might always be a 'hot guy' somewhere out there. Don't ever let it be said that you were not commited or faithful, or that you let one guy come in and take you away from another.

Look into your heart and your gut. Make your decision to be happy with the status-quo, or to let BF know that you just cannot continue to stay committed.

It would not be mature, or wise, to go out with 'hot guy' and wait for a commitment from him to end your commitment with BF. And, it would not be mature or wise to use 'hot-guy' to try to manipulate BF into making a commitment that he is not ready to make, and might very likely not live up to. Either of those actions would only breed anger, resentment, hostility, etc...

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I know this will not earn me any popularity votes but it's time for you to move on and leave BF behind. I am not saying that Brad Pitt is the way to do it, but if after 4 years there is no future and you don't spend alot of time together you need to re-evaluate what you are doing. Things will NOT get better once he decides to commit. Things will be exactly the same only they will be more difficult to get out of. Just because you are together a long time and marriage would be the logical next step it is not the great cure all. Getting married because you are together for a long time is not a reason to get married. When dh and I were dating we didn't go out every single time we were together but we liked spending time together even if it was sitting on the couch watching tv. Also- if another man told me to call him I would have laughed and then I would have told dh because we would have found it funny. I think you need to really look at your relationship and think about why are really are together. From what you have posted it sounds like it is just a habit. JMHO.

 

[Frantasmic]

If you do go with Mr. Pitt+, you should tell your boyfriend you are going to date around like others have said.

I see some problems anyway with your current relationship, on both sides. One, your BF doesn't seem to want to progress. Two, you say you want to progress, yet are contemplating seeing what else is available.

Put the shoes on the other foot. What if you were the one who wasn't ready, your BF had suggested moving to the next level, yet you had resisted and then he all of a sudden says, "You know what, I've decided to date around."

There wouldn't be any of the "understanding" you are getting in this thread if the shoes were on the other foot. You'd question his original intent and commitment and people here would probably call him some names that can't be posted here.

So, I don't think you are any more ready for the next step in a commitment than he is, despite what you are saying to him about getting a place to stay together. There are various levels of commitment beyond having a common place to stay.

That's not bad to not really be ready. You just need to be honest with yourself and with the boyfriend. Neither one of you are really ready for the next level.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's not bad to not really be ready. You just need to be honest with yourself and with the boyfriend. Neither one of you are really ready for the next level.

Oh snap...very perceptive.

OP if you really were ready for a committment you would have broken up 2 yrs ago.

So spread your wings and figure out where you would like to go.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thanks Rafiki, I certainly am curious to see if there is a connection. To be honest I'm hoping to find there isn't one at all and that this has been just a 'blip' and I can happily go back to BF (because despite some frustrations, I am very happy with him). What scares me of course is that there WILL be a connection and I'll have opened a big can'o'worms.

So if MrHotterThanPitt is MrDudd, suddenly the BF is ok? Sounds to be like you're settling. You're too young, with hardly anything invested in the relationship to do that. You should look forward to spending time together at this stage of the game, not trying to decide if he's "good enough". And why the pressure to move in together if you haven't even spent that much time together? If you're thinking about other guys if seems that maybe you two should cool it for a little while and consider dating other people.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Wonderful advice I've read so far. My first though is early 20's so your friends are probably in serious relationships and some are getting married and you are a bit envious because that looks like something you want. When I was graduating college at 22 it seemed like every girl around me was getting married, had gotten married or was about to get engaged and yet I could barely date the same guy 3x in a row without getting bored.

Secondly, you are waiting on your BF to decide about moving in together or getting married? If you can afford to live on your own even in just an apt, why not do it. Sometimes you have to show a man you do have a life and you are living it and not just a rug to be walked on. You only get one life and you should never put it on hold for anyone. If you can't afford on your own, look into a roommate.

Third, living your life is a bit scary. It's not always safe and sometimes unpredictable. Being with your BF of 4 years, you know what to expect don't you? Maybe pizza and a movie on Saturday night, ice cream on Tuesdays and shopping Thursdays(just as an example). It's a safe place knowing what it's like with your BF. Do you really know what you want? In your early 20's is a great time to explore life and the people that came in and out of it. You get a chance to learn who you are and what you really like. You may find that you could never live with someone that drinks out of the jug or sings in the shower or other things you never though of.

I'm not trying to encourage you to leave BF or to stay with him. I'm encouraging you live to live your life and enjoy being in your 20s. For the record NEVER think gee why would someone THIS HOT want someone like me. You should think why would I want to go out with this person. Good luck to you, I had the best time finding myself and what I really wanted and think most people really should know that before they settle down.

 

[Nala2007]

I've read a lot of good stuff here but nobody is really entitled to say what you are and aren't ready for. I see couples in their early 20s who make it, and I see couples in their 40s last a year. When you're ready, you're ready, if you're not, you're not, but personally if I was with someone for 4 years and still lived at home and didn't even atleast want to get a place with me? He would have to go, in the words of a mommy, it's time for him to make doo doo or get off the potty

 

[TDC Nala]

Am I the only one rolling their eyes over "text me?" Whatever happened to "my number is 555-5555. Give me a call!"

What's wrong with it? If I don't know who's calling I won't answer the phone anyway.

 

[Cool-Beans]

All is fair in love and war. If you want to text the guy, text him.

But I think it is kind of weird that a guy who has your phone number to text you doesn't just call you up, but tells YOU to text HIM. I think that is weird. If I sent him anything, it would say, "If you want to talk to me, you can jolly well call me."

And if you're thinking about other guys, Mr. Wonderful *might* not be the one for you. Food for thought, anyway.

Good luck!

 

[punkin]

Put the shoes on the other foot. What if you were the one who wasn't ready, your BF had suggested moving to the next level, yet you had resisted and then he all of a sudden says, "You know what, I've decided to date around."

There wouldn't be any of the "understanding" you are getting in this thread if the shoes were on the other foot. You'd question his original intent and commitment and people here would probably call him some names that can't be posted here.

While I agree with most of your post, I'd like to disagree with the above part of it. When DH and I had been dating for 7 years and he wanted to get married and I was not willing to commit, he dumped me so he could date other women.

He told me that he wanted to be married and if I was not "the one" he was ready to find a woman who wouldn't "jerk" him around and wanted the same things he did. It took me exactly one month to decide that I really did want to get married.

Sometimes the shoe on the other foot fits just as well.

just saying....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Put the shoes on the other foot. What if you were the one who wasn't ready, your BF had suggested moving to the next level, yet you had resisted and then he all of a sudden says, "You know what, I've decided to date around."

There wouldn't be any of the "understanding" you are getting in this thread if the shoes were on the other foot. You'd question his original intent and commitment and people here would probably call him some names that can't be posted here.

I have to disagree with this.

I have no double standards when it comes to relationships.
And, I think that most everybody else does the same.

If one person is not progressing and vesting themselves in the relationship emotionally, physically, financially, etc... whether it is the man or the woman, and whether the SO is a man or a woman... my advice would be exactly the same.

 

[aaaah - confused]

Thank you all for all your kind answers.
After seeing BF last night I realised that I love him very very much and I will not pursue grocery-store guy. The experience has been a confidence boost for me and gave me the kick up the behind I needed to have a serious talk with BF. We spoke last night and he reassured me that the only thing holding him back from moving in together is his finances and he is trying his best to save up as much as he can. He is generally an honest guy so I believe him on this.

Meanwhile, single ladies - cell phone number of HOT grocery store guy on sale now - starting the bidding $1,000,000

 

[Andy B]

But I think it is kind of weird that a guy who has your phone number to text you doesn't just call you up, but tells YOU to text HIM. I think that is weird. If I sent him anything, it would say, "If you want to talk to me, you can jolly well call me."

So I'm unpacking my groceries this morning and find 'text me...' and his cell phone number on the back of my receipt.