Well, here I am on this Monday morning not knowing really where to begin. I have many thoughts running through my head right now and am somewhat hesitant to record them here. I've decided that I will take the plunge and be brutally honest because I've come to realize how food plays a part in different aspects of my life, especially when it comes to eating out of emotion to feel a sense of control. If I'm going to stay on this journey, then I have to find a way to handle those emotions instead of turning to food. So here goes.
How else can I say this but to just lay it down as is? I've decided that I'm going to separate from my husband and that it will be permanent. Divorce is not an option at this point but I won't go into details, but it's for religions reasons. This is not the first time. We separated 2 1/2 years ago. I won't go into all of the gory details, but suffice it to say that for the 16 years we've been married, I've felt that somehow things would work out and that things would get better if only this, or if only that. It's taken me this long to realize that my husband must take responsibility for his actions. I'm truly sorry for the abuse he suffered as a child, but at some point when you become an adult you have to realize that you are the maker of your own destiny and your own future and can no longer blame your parents or anyone else for the choices that you make. I've allowed the demons of his past to rule our present and that of our sons. I'm not doing it anymore. All I want is peace for my children.
The connection I had with my husband was broken years ago. Unfortunately, when we reconciled, he played the "but the kids need a father in the home" card. They absolutely do, but at what expense? I fully blame myself for disrupting my boys' lives once again. That's something that I'll always carry with me. My 15 year old brought some facts to my attention that I was not aware of and I feel terrible that he didn't come to me sooner. When I found out that he's been trying to turn them against me, it was the nail in the coffin. I firmly believe that whatever problems a couple may have, children should never ever be placed in the middle. They're the ones that end up getting hurt. I would never do such a thing and I never thought that he would stoop to that level. I'd like to say that when I heard this I was shocked, but in retrospect, should I be?
Yesterday I told my husband of my plans. I would ask him to leave, but I've tried that before and he won't budge. Currently he's not employed, although he does have a DJ business, however, it's not steady income. I've come to realize that he's afraid to be alone and on his own 2 feet, but I can no longer subject the children or myself to this situation. I've set a target date for fall of next year. I haven't given him an exact date. If the situation warrants, then I may need to leave sooner but that's the plan so far. Anyway, this will allow me time to save enough money to buy the things we'll need, new furniture and appliances. I don't want to cause any more drama for the kids, so when we go, I'm only taking our clothing and personal belongings. It's not worth it for me to fight over furniture, etc. He'll only use material possessions as a tool to keep me there or to fight over, so he can keep them.
As for our trip, well, too late to cancel. Even if I could get all my money back, there's no way I'm going to disappoint the kids after planning for 2 years. He's agreed to keep the peace and I don't think it'll be a problem. He's always on his best behavior when we're on vacation. I'm going to do my best to enjoy this time with with the boys no matter what and will put this situation on the back burner for the time being.
I've made a promise to myself that when we return and until I leave, I will not argue or bring up any issues unless it directly involves the well being of the children. It's useless to to discuss or argue over problems when my decision has been made. Several years ago when I was still a stay-at-home-mom, my whole world turned upside down and I came to the realization that I was going to have to stop depending on him if the children and I were going to survive. I went back to school and got back into the work force soon after I graduated. I no longer have to depend on him for anything, and that scares the crap out of him and it's changed the whole dynamics of our relationship. He's become the dependent one and he no longer has power and control over me. Basically now he's looking for other ways to make me stay because he knows I'm not the woman he married. He can no longer hold it over my head that I didn't try hard enough or that I'm abandoning when he needs me most, or because of his disease, or he'll promise to change, or he'll fall into a deep depression and might become suicidal, just a million and one reasons. None of them work anymore because I see him for who and what he is. I have so many emotions right now. I feel strong, but at the same time I feel sad. I feel sadness for my boys and guilt over not choosing the right man to be their father. I only hope that when they become men themselves that they'll understand why things have to be this way. I love them so much and they deserve the best that life has to offer. I just want them to grow up to be responsible, emotionally healthy adults. I had a long conversation with my 15 year old and he's actually relieved to know that this situation is temporary. He says he's wanted to defend me against his father when he says things to him but feels that it would be disrespectful and doesn't know how he'll react. There are no words to describe how loving my children are. I've truly been blessed and I thank God for having brought them into my life.
Edited to add: I just came back from lunch. I had 2 small turkey burger patties, green beans and sliced tomatos. I feel good that I made a conscious choice to eat the right thing and not binge. I'm taking control of my own life, my health and my eating.
You're gonna LOVE IT!!
Anyway, I'm sorry to report that with all of the running around I've been doing this weekend, I haven't been eating well. Yesterday I only had time for lunch, 3 carne asada tacos and a diet coke. I did have 1 graham cracker and a little milk before bed, but that's it. Today I skipped breakfast too and had a ham sandwish on lc bread and a diet drink. I know, if I keep on this way it's going to mess up my metabolism. I promise to eat breakfast tomorrow, in fact I'll pick up some Morning Start Bars at 
Lisa, that Whoosh Fairy may be right around the corner! Drink your water - maybe that will help!
