Life is expensive

[MiniGirl]

I, too, refuse to give into the gift giving madness. We stopped doing Christmas gifts for anyone a long time ago. In fact, the materialism at Christmas turned me into a real Scrooge. So much so, that we now make Thanksgiving (a holiday that celebrates our bounty and God's provision) our main gift-giving holiday. At Christmas, we concentrate on other aspects of the holiday. We will also give our girls gifts on their birthdays. However, we do not give anyone else in the family (adults or children) gifts for Christmas or birthdays. We have offered to feed a family or give toys to a needy family in our neices and nephews names, and that offer was turned down. Our girls will give us a gift on Mother's/Father's Day because it is important to them and they enjoy it, but it is usually something they make/made themselves.

Now, I do give gifts for graduation and weddings because I feel that is generally a once (occassionally twice) in a lifetime event, and I think, is special and a "gift" occassion. (My standard gift has become a $15 iTunes gift card.) Same thing for the birth of a baby. I think every birth is worth celebrating, and I generally make a hooded towel for the newborn. Someone gave us one for the birth of our youngest. She is 5 and still uses it. For family, or particularly close friends, we will spend a little more.

Birthdays are hardest for me. Our kids are 7 and 5, so it seems there is always a birthday party to go to. I think I'm going to start a gift box when I find things on sale. Teachers gifts are also hard. I WANT to give my girls' teachers nice gifts because I truly do appreciate the work they do. I think I'm going to use MyCokeRewards to get BestBuy gift cards and give them that and then maybe make a little something to go with it. I dunno. I'm still up in the air about that.

Anyway, I didn't mean to write a novel. It just gets to me. Also, all the people we are expected to give money to during the holidays. I know people who give money to the mail carrier, paper delivery person, yard maintainance people, part time housekeepers, baby sitters, dry cleaners, butchers, florists, etc. It just doesn't seem to end.

 

[mjantz]

I too don't always hit the accepted amounts. My niece just graduated from college & her college gift is going to end up being less than her H.S. graduation gift because I found something she'd like & I got it.
For my nephews, its as cheap as I can get & not look cheap! This year probably a Bionicle on clearance from lego.com. They get a ton of stuff & I feel the Bionicles are better than most junk they have.
Also, if you have a gift stash, clean it out for those graduations, weddings & such. I'm giving stash stuff to my nieces for birthdays, my mom & MIL for various holidays & my kids for their birthdays. I can't wait to have the extra room!

 

[punkin]

I don't give gifts to adults anymore. My daughters get gifts for Birthdays and Hannukah. My DN8 gets gifts for Birthdays and Hannukah. My DN24 gets a phone call (I also pay his airfare whenever he decides to visit or go on vacation with us).

DH has 2 nephews and a step nephew. DN 10 gets birthday and Hannukah gifts. DN(5 mos) has not gotten a gift from me yet. His mother went crazy and bought him everything a baby could possibly need. Her parents and my MIL also went crazy with the gifts. I figure he does not need anything else from me. He will get something on Hannukah. DSN5 got a gift on Christmas (I'll get him something for his birthday if anyone informs me when that is).

That's it nothing for anyone else. I refuse. I don't want any presents and I will not give any presents. Call me scrooge.

 

[Gillian]

It's very hard to change your views on gift giving. You have to let go of thoughts about "the going rate" and forget about what people think. But just do it and you'll feel better.

I know that these things are so ingrained that it's a real problem! My friend's mother was going on and on about how her daughter was too generous in giving for kids birthday parties and that she should cut back because it was blowing my friend's household budget. And then in the next breath she said she was upset that my friend did not want to contribute (but did) to a very expensive gift for her (well-off) cousin's bridal shower.

She went on to complain about how her other daughter got cheapie presents when her new baby was born and that people give terrible gifts these days! An example was an outfit, which somehow was not good enough?

 

[Mrs.Reese]

Another Scrooge here! At the school I work at, it seems there is always some card going around for something. Sure it may only be five dollars but add it up over the course of the school year and it justs gets ridiculous! I really despise those joint gifts now. Some people make you feel really guilty because you don't want to put $5 in the card for the secretary's daughter's wedding.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Exactly. Forget the "going rate" and give what you are comfortable with. Also, be creative. Nothing wrong with homemade gifts for many occasions. Bake a big tin of cookies, for example.

One thing we always do for weddings is check the couple's registry and then buy a gift at an outlet store or even off ebay. We've given gifts that were $150 new at the department store but actually spent half or less to get it. The couple still gets a nice gift but we save money.

You just told them your gift secret. Now they know how you get them.

 

[Vijoge]

I
The adults it is worse! They were doing $50 pp, that is nuts! I refuse to spend $50 pp at Christmas, we need nothing and it was $300 just on the adults alone. So we said sorry, we are asking for no gifts for us this year and we are opting out. It didnt go over well but they can get over it!

We did this about four years ago and haven't been invited to Christmas Dinner since. Don't get invited for Thanksgiving Dinner either, now that I think about it. Or much else.

 

[luv2nascar]

I feel ya on the gift giving. We cut out alot of it. But I have 3 nephews and a niece they get birthday and christmas gifts. Sunday is my nephews birthday, fathers day for DH gift, gift for my dad, and gift for my FIL. Next friday is DH's birthday and next monday youngest is turning 4 and in less than three weeks DD turns 12 and we are going away to VA. It never ends I swear I have holes in my pockets some weeks.

 

[jgates]

A couple of suggestions for graduation gifts if they are going to college -

1. A shower tote with soap, shampoo, deodorant, disposable shavers, dental floss, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc. I gave son & each of the nephews one at Xmas each and they loved it. The last one actually requested it. In the male version, I also throw in a few c*nd*ms as a joke and the boys crack up - there mom still chews me out for that little item, LOL.

2. A GOOD fan. We bought a very high volume fan for our son and then for nephew the next year. Again requested by the last boy. It was purchased from WM and they also have them at Menards - it produces a TON of air and helps cools those unconditioned dorm rooms easily. It is tiltable - sits directly on floor and has a thick wire bar style cage. Husband bought one to use to dry garage floor too.

Both of those types of gifts were GREATLY appreciated. And a lot more thought and consideration than just cash. If they were going to an apartment instead and out on their own, you could try a movie night basket - popcorn, soda, DVD or movie rental card, tootsie rolls or malted milk balls, etc.

 

[lisajl]

sorry I missed this post. I just put something on about all the graduations and my nieces wedding, etc.
It is really crazy, plus all of our added expenses.

I am going to follow that rule of $10, sure will save a lot of headaches!
Lisa

 

[LuvOrlando]

I know I'm on the other side but I'm honestly surprised at how much people seem to resent giving a gift. I can't say I've ever filled an envelope or bought a present hating to do it but that makes me super weird I guess, judging by what I'm reading here. If you don't care what the recipient feels why bother going? I'd stay home and watch a movie with my family who I do like.

When I give a gift I'm hoping the person will enjoy it. Giving $ at graduations and such is done to help a young person out, sort of like a pyramid where everyone gets a turn to receive and to give. Its not about greed since I doubt anyone is getting rich, its about helping each other out especially in a family. Also there is the fact that parties cost $ and I would never feel ok with showing up to enjoy someone elses generosity, and expense, without reciprocating somehow... maybe not with $ but I'd feel I had to do something.

If I couldn't afford to go to a party with even a bottle of wine I would choose 1 of 2 options myself:

1. I'd explain the circumstances and offer to help set up or cook as a gift.
2. I'd decline.

I'm not saying you all are wrong, I can respect the differences and feel to each their own, I'm just voicing another point of view.

 

[MiniGirl]

I know I'm on the other side but I'm honestly surprised at how much people seem to resent giving a gift. I can't say I've ever filled an envelope or bought a present hating to do it but that makes me super weird I guess, judging by what I'm reading here. If you don't care what the recipient feels why bother going? I'd stay home and watch a movie with my family who I do like.

I can't speak for everyone here -- only myself, but I don't resent buying gifts, and I'm sorry if my post came off sounding that I do. I just don't see every single occassion as a gift-giving occassion, and I see how crazy my friends and acquaintances become around the holidays because everyone is trying to not only keep up but out do everyone else. It truly robs them of their joy, and that does bother me. I also do feel it is disingenous (excuse the spelling) for someone I haven't heard from in 20 years to send me a graduation announcement and EXPECT a gift for their child whom I've never even met. In these instances, I don't buy gifts which is why I can say that I don't resent buying a gift. If I can't give it joyfully and from the heart, then I don't give one.

A woman whose dd is in one of my dd's dance classes bought her dd an expensive outfit and an American Girl doll as a congratulations for her dance recital. The girls are 7. It's not like it was her debut in the NYC Ballet. It was a children's dance recital. I just thought that was over the top. Now, I did buy my dds flowers but not anything else.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I know someone who buys 4-5 packs of flower seeds every spring (total cost ? I don't know what a pack of seeds cost.) Anyway, plants them.

For gifts, she brings a boquet of flowers. Tied in a ribbon. They are really lovely. Several different kinds of flowers in various colors.

I have received that on occassion with a card and it was a very meaningful gift. They are not in vase and I have used my own.

I think that would be a great gift for lots of occassions.

 

[angwill]

I don't see anything wrong with a no gift party for you own child. From the time my son was little we would have a backyard bbq and campout on a weekend around my son's birthday. I would buy a birthday cake and make up little party bags for the kids with things like light sticks so they could play glow tag when it got dark. We did not announce it as a birthday party only a backyard camp out so no gifts were brought. Well except by my mother, godmother, etc. I even told those people that they were not necessary but if it made them feel good then I understood. Those gifts were opened in the house with just my son and the person giving the gift so not to make others feel bad about not bringing a gift. If someone mentioned that they wish they knew to bring a gift I would kindly say that was nice but we wanted our son to understand that birthdays are more about being with friends and enjoying time with them than getting gifts and they always understood. My son loved it and never questions when he doesn't get gifts from anyone other than us. I love him for it because he is really down to earth when it comes to material things. I explained to my son how much those shoes cost and compared them to all the other things that can be bought for that amount of money. I then asked him if he would rather have a pair of shoes and go to school naked or if he would rather have some nice clothes bought on sale for school with sale shoes minus the designer name. He chose the clothes. lol

This year 6th grade the expensive shoe thing came up in school. Air Jordans are the in thing here I guess. My son was upset because a couple of boys were making fun of him that he didn't have them and bragging about their shoes. That night on Dateline or one of those shows they showed the Marberry's that are sold at Dave and Barry's for $14.99 and had a shoe maker cut open those and Air Jordans showing that they are made the same way from the same materials except for the leather. My son watched that and when the kids bragged the next time he told them his shoes were made from the same materials he just didn't pay Micheal Jordan to have his name on his shoes. The boy shoved him over a bench and into a wall knocking the wind out of him over it. Sadly, some kids think expensive items make them better people I guess. Sadder still is that the assistant principal did nothing about it and the kid then went around bragging about how he hurt my son and got away with it. I am just glad my son is down to earth and hopefully the kids who put value on possessions won't be depressed when they try to keep up and buy those things for themselves as adults.

 

[bettyann29]

I dont go by the "going rate".. I give what I can afford and if they dont like it too bad.. I dont try to keep up with the Jones'.. my opinion is if that person isnt grateful for what they get, then they dont deserve $1.. Thats whats wrong with society today.. everyone thinks they "have" to do this or "have" to do that.. who is to say what you have to do??

As far as birthdays, I only buy for my spouse, my kids and my parents.. for christmas I do buy for each of my neices and nephews along with parents, brothers, sister, spouse, my kids and my grandmother.. I dont break the bank doing it either.. I think so many special days and holidays are too commercialized nowadays.. I remember when I was growing up we got one special gift for our birthday and our parties were at home with just immediate family.. Christmas was a set $ amount and again it was more about being with family and thats what I try to instill in my kids.. I teach them its not about the presents.. but more about family..

 

[bettyann29]

I know I'm on the other side but I'm honestly surprised at how much people seem to resent giving a gift. I can't say I've ever filled an envelope or bought a present hating to do it but that makes me super weird I guess, judging by what I'm reading here. If you don't care what the recipient feels why bother going? I'd stay home and watch a movie with my family who I do like.

When I give a gift I'm hoping the person will enjoy it. Giving $ at graduations and such is done to help a young person out, sort of like a pyramid where everyone gets a turn to receive and to give. Its not about greed since I doubt anyone is getting rich, its about helping each other out especially in a family. Also there is the fact that parties cost $ and I would never feel ok with showing up to enjoy someone elses generosity, and expense, without reciprocating somehow... maybe not with $ but I'd feel I had to do something.

If I couldn't afford to go to a party with even a bottle of wine I would choose 1 of 2 options myself:

1. I'd explain the circumstances and offer to help set up or cook as a gift.
2. I'd decline.

I'm not saying you all are wrong, I can respect the differences and feel to each their own, I'm just voicing another point of view.

I guess I dont understand why because someone doesnt want to be labeled a "loser" so to speak because they dont give enough that they should be made to feel bad.. as an example OP said that the "going rate" for a graduation gift is $100.. who is the one that says $100 is the going rate? who is to say the going rate isnt $200.. when does it stop?? Gift giving of ANY kind should be from the heart and be meaningful from the person giving it to the person recving it.. not given because so and so says thats what they should recv.. and just my opinion, if someone feels that way than do they really appreciate what they are given? Probably not.. who is say what that person uses that money for.. as far as you know, they use it to go out and buy clothes or whatever.. how does anyone know that they are using that money for someone to help them out.. you just dont know..

again this is just my opinion and Im not flaming, but honestly gift giving is something that should come from the heart, not the wallet..

 

[alliedogsmom]

I do not believe in giving graduation gifts, especially cash. Isn't that the whole point of school in the first place? You go there to get educated and graduate. It's not a contest. When my daughter graduated HS, she got flowers. And when she graduated nursing school, she got taken to dinner. There were no gifts or extravagant parties or new cars. It has gotten out of control, now there are "graduations" from nursery school, kindergarten, 8th grade, high school, college...it's insane. I have a relative who bought their daughter a brand new Audi A4 for college graduation. She had a perfectly good car (a Mustang that was given to her as well). I think that is way beyond ridiculous.

I call most of these holdays "Hallmark Holidays"--made up by companies to make money. I do not buy my mother a gift on Mother's day-if I can not love her and be good to her the other 364 days of the year, a $3.00 card and another knick-knack that she doesn't need given to her on one certain day of the year isn't going to get me a free pass into Heaven....every day should be treated as Mother's/Father's/Grandparent's day where they are loved and respected for who they are. No one needs gifts to convey that.

 

[limace]

I'm a little different here in that I LOVE to get gifts (and to give them) so I would just die if we went to no gifts. However, I totally agree that giftgiving can get out of control. We draw names for extended family, and that works really well-we each buy one gift for another family member at Christmas, and it's about $30.

For graduation, the two best gifts I got (and mind you, this was almost 20 years ago) was a handwritten collection of family recipes from one aunt-I use that to this day-and a set of inexpensive kitchen utensils from another. I can't remember anything else I got, but I use those recipes to this day.

 

[xyzabc33]

You are generous....Mine now stops at 13 for actual gift-gifts(something you can unwrap) After that you get a lottery ticket. My cost a whole dollar or 2 and they get a chance to win more then I could have ever afforded to give them. Tho I tell them they have to split it with me if they do win the million. Tho I think once they hit 21 they can buy there own. They seem to get a big kick out of them each year. Mind you this is for the neices and nephews--adults get a verbal wish of HB or Merry Xmas. and Parents , spouses and my own kids still get gifts) I also made them all fudge for xmas too this year. I like food too in any shape or form. HEY, I just remembered my mom owes me a wine cake from xmas.
Now if I can only get my mother to buy what we need instead of what she thinks we need (in the form of tacky knick nacks that I dont even like or clothes in the wrong size that she has cut the tags off of so I cant even exchange them --You gotta know my mother )

Same thing for the birth of a baby. I think every birth is worth celebrating, and I generally make a hooded towel for the newborn. . I think I'm going to start a gift box when I find things on sale.
I know people who give money to the mail carrier, paper delivery person, yard maintainance people, part time housekeepers, baby sitters, dry cleaners, butchers, florists, etc. It just doesn't seem to end.

OOO...you have inspired me. I need a baby gift for AUG(3 weeks b4 our Disney trip) and I think I will make the little one a throw that can grow with her) The only service ppl I buy for is the mailman, and the garbage men(i couldnt catch them this yr--I ate their fudge..lol) The mailman of course was on vacation so he only got his lottery ticket--Hey fudge only keeps so long

I know I'm on the other side but I'm honestly surprised at how much people seem to resent giving a gift.
.

I dont think ppl are resenting the gift giving itself, more like a PP had said it is more the "keeping up with or trying to outdo the Joneses" mentallity that commercial society seems to impose on people.

My tips, give what you can. If you can afford $500, go for it or if it is only $5 dollars, then that is good too. REMEMBER, it is not the gift that counts but the good thots of the giver that matters.

 

[crisi]

I hate getting gifts - and I'm not much of a giver. But graduation gifts, wedding gifts, and shower gifts are supposed to be the "help people move on to the next stage" - those tend to be the ones where I'm fairly generous particularly when they are needed (the third baby of a family with matching BMWs in the driveway - no. A second marriage for two career professionals who already have every high end pot and pan known to mankind - no). However, any time we get an invite that smacks of "we are gift fishing" - I only send a card - actually usually a note on real stationary. I give to my own cousins on these occations, but my cousins children only if we see them for instance. Friends kids if we see the friends and the kids - people who invite us to their kids weddings when we haven't seen the kid since they were in diapers we decline. And, unless we see them socially, we decline work invites.

For kids birthdays we keep things reasonable. We don't give to grownups for birthdays regularly - but occationally. Christmas is a "token grown up" gift occation - the family is doing well enough that we don't "need" anything.

But I'm a gift getting hater. I really don't like the obligation that comes with gifts - particularly the non-consumable kind (bring a bottle of wine or flowers, that's fine). I have jewelry I'll never wear because "I saw this and I thought it was so YOU!" and its not. Decor around my house because my very thoughtful and generous mother in law found it and thought we should have it - and I don't like it. Clothes I don't wear because my mother found it on the sales rack. What I really hate, and I've gotten flack for it on the budget board before, is when my kid's classmates take a trip and bring back gifts for everyone. I hate the junk, I hate the obligation (I don't want to bring back 30 pencils every time we take a trip), I hate my kids walking through the door with the "why didn't we get to go" whine (like they NEVER get to go anywhere).

My take on the $5 thing though is that if all you can afford is five dollars, and its the thought that counts, write a note. It expresses the thought and is more worthwhile to most people than the $5 trinket. (For kids, the trinket needs to be bought, but there are five dollar appropriate kid trinkets that kids like). Or go for the homemade consumable (baked goods, bath salts - flavored olive oil is really easy to make) - or even store bought consumable. The five dollar gift is really likely to end up in the trash (at least around my house), wasting your money and cluttering up a landfill somewhere.