Dont you feel like this some days???
( no I didnt write it I just copied and pasted)
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments
will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
( no I didnt write it I just copied and pasted)
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments
will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
