Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[mco65]

Hello - husband and I have been married for 20 plus years and have separate checking accounts.
We have completely different areas in which we spend money - I like couture clothing, handbags, and concerts (average one a week). He likes cars and dope. Our marriage works for us.

I pay the mortgage, taxes, household expenses etc and am happy to do so. I love living in downtown Chicago even though it is expensive, and I make almost triple what DH makes.

He pays for his car and insurance. So DH has lots of discretionary income to enjoy his hobbies.

So this year with my bonus, I am intending to spend all of it on plastic surgery for myself. I am turning 50 next year and want a little tuneup.
Well DH flipped out - and decided he wanted some cash and got pissed I "won't share". In years past, I have used the bonus towards household improvements, or a trip for us.
This year I don't need to do that - my employer is gifting me $10,000 towards a vacation to celebrate my 50th.
I know I am being selfish a bit, but this is something I have wanted to do for years.
For the record, my bonus is $25,000 and I have offered my DH $2,000 for him to do what he wants.
I have NEVER been one to say this is my money and you cant have any - because we are a team.
Except for this year.
So - what say you? Let me have it! I won't say you are picking on me - looking for the other side here. My friends support what I am doing - but is there something I am missing??

Oddly enough i am on the other side, almost to a TEE. My wife passed my income level a few years back.. she is approaching doubling my salary... we have separate accounts, which we got after she surpassed me, not before.. her idea... but whatever.. I am not a material person, i don't need a lot of STUFF.. She likes clothes, traveling and she was at a concert just this past Friday. I can't remember the last pair of jeans or shirt i bought... my car is 10 years old.. and i don't use drugs.. i am not a material person.. i do like sports and attend a few sporting events every year including my annual pilgrimage to Daytona and Talledega for NASCAR races... and Dallas for a Cowboys game.. or 2. She pays the house mortgage and all the insurances and i pay the other household expenses.. everything else is just make up as you go.. if she needs extra $ to pay for something, she will ask and i do that same but mind you.. i never need extra $ to pay for anything because i don't need anything extra...

She gets nice bonus every year and does with it as she pleases. She bought herself a new car with last years bonus.. mind you i drive a 10 year old Pontiac.. but again.. i am NOT a material person. This year, she plans on getting plastic surgery.. just like you as she is approaching 50.... She is also taking the kids on a Mediterranean Cruise in the spring... she asked me to go but i don't really want to.... not a big cruise fan myself... been there, done that..

Now would I love it if she were to ask me if i wanted a new truck from her bonus! OH YEA! She did offer to buy me a new truck just a few years ago and i turned it down because then i didn't really need it but now i do... I have mentioned it to her.. i need a new vehicle.. i just put $1,000 into my old vehicle but that will only get it another year or 2... The way i see it.. its her money and if she wants to have plastic surgery on her inner thighs (waste of money IMO) so be it. Its her money, but if i made a fuss about it she would relent and buy me a truck but i am too proud to do that...

To be honest, separate accounts creates a bit of a riff. When i was making 5x her i never thought about separate accounts.. my money was her money, no questions asked.. but now that the tables have turned she doesn't see it the same way. She resents that i have quit trying to climb the corporate ladder if you will. I did that for ~20 years or so and that was probably one of the things that drew her to me... I was ambitious, made decent money and appeared to be headed to an exec type of job.. something along the way changed that.. kids, layoffs, pessimism, not real sure but i eventually became content where i was in my career and remember her telling me more than once that i needed to advance in my company or look for another job because i had stalled out.. i said i was content and she was taken back.. and that's when she wanted separate accounts.

Personally, i think my wife is short sighted.. she is not looking very far down the road.. the tables might turn again some day and she better hope that I am the same person i was 20 years ago when i had no qualms with putting all of our money in one basket... maybe they wont ever change... to be honest. i hope they don't. She works hard and deserves every penny.

Geez, sorry for rambling... Enough of me, back to you.. if your husband had a need for some $ like a new vehicle or something of that nature then i think you would be obligated to help him financially with your bonus but if he's just gonna blow on dope or whatever, then no.. you don't owe him or and you should NOT feel obligated to throw some cash his way.

 

[DisneylandDarling]

I don't know how appropriate it was to mention your DH's recreational habits. I'm no advocate of weed, but the way it was said kind of feels like you're throwing him under the bus.

If this is something that you want, by all means - do it. I would just have sat down and talked with him about it first instead of springing it on him.

Plus, We're only getting one side of the story here. Can't call someone a jerk when you can't hear his side of the story.

 

[gillep]

Because statistically that’s more likely. That’s why I said it is my primary concern with that method.

I believe you and your DH would agree that it’s something important that needs to be addressed, since you are one of the rare couples who seem to have done so.

It can work out like you describe, but unfortunately keeping separate finances does not usually result in a united, goal-oriented partnership.

As an aside, and you certainly don’t need to respond, I’m curious about why you consider your finances separate. You mentioned that you sit down together and look at everything and also that your DH considers it all “our” money. Do you know how much the other makes, how much is saved, and how the money is allocated? In my time in financial education/planning, I have actually never met a couple with “separate finances” who did not consider their money to be their own/private from their spouse. (Did not share savings or retirement info, and usually didn’t even know if/what the other spouse had for life insurance.)

I don't mind answering at all, I find these conversations very interesting.

I consider them separate because the money that I make is direct deposited into my account, I have my own credit cards (DH is not a user on these and I am not on his), and my own savings and checking account. I handle all of the bills that are 'mine' without my DH ever seeing them. I purchase the things that we need for the house without consulting DH (I don't exclude him regarding household purchases, but I know what he prefers and he is usually more than happy with my choices), and I purchase things for myself without informing or consulting him, and he does likewise. We are on one another's checking and savings accounts as 'joint' but I don't ever look into his account, occasionally I will deposit a check into his account if he hasn't gotten around to it in a timely manner but that is like a once a year thing.

We don't sit down and look at things regularly at all, when we first started living together we divided up this bills as his and mine, and discussed savings and retirement, and have more or less kept that up over the years, as we have changes to our circumstances we will discuss a different distribution, but for the most part the bills I am paying now are the bills I was paying 10 years ago. If things come up and either one feels like we are having a tight month we will discuss how the other can shoulder more of the burden, but that doesn't happen often. Sure, finances come up in regular conversations, but we don't have many conversations specifically about finances, we each just take care of what we need to, and check with the other if there are any departures from the norm.

I absolutely know how much DH makes and he knows how much I make, we each contribute a certain percentage of our incomes to retirement and to savings, and we decided on this percentage a long time ago. Once all the bills are paid, including retirement and savings, no, I don't really know how his discretionary money is spent each month, and he wouldn't know how mine is spent. I also know how much he has in life insurance, and he me. When we purchased our house in CA I asked him to up his life insurance, and he took care of that right away.

In everyday language we refer to my money and his money, but at the end of the day we know that we are married and that all money really is 'ours', but if you ever overheard one of our conversations it would not sound that way, because on a day to day basis it really is his and mine.

I know quite a few couples who have separate finances and only one of them is truly completely separate as you have described. All of them know how much the other makes, and have their own ways of saving for the future, each couple handles things differently, but it is something we have discussed with each in the past, and have shared what works for each of us, it has always been very interesting and informative. I don't doubt your experience, but among those that I know who operate their marriages this way, they are closer to how DH and I handle our finances than not.

I asked DH about his bonus last night, he finally found out what it was going to be. He had planned on spending it on our 10 year anniversary vacation, but due to some extenuating circumstances that likely won't happen exactly as we envisioned, so I suggested a home improvement instead, he said we should look into it, we will see what he ultimately decides to do with it.

 

[Dawnlight]

It seems that with the amount of money you're getting in a bonus, plus the birthday money, that you have a very successful career and hefty salary. If it's only about the bonus money, could you instead just share it as it's always been and use your other financial resources to put towards the cost of your desired surgery?

I suppose it could be not money-related, that he's concerned about the surgery itself, how you might look after (not that he has control over your body and how you should look, any more than getting a different hairstyle), or perhaps an unexpressed concern that you're striving to look better to make yourself more attractive to others (not sure why some guys are so fragile in that respect).

I do think that because it has long been a shared asset, that more discussion should have taken place. Perhaps he had plans with that money, who knows, maybe he even wanted to surprise you with something nice (or to get himself a tune-up!!).

Good luck, and I hope you update with how it goes.

 

[bdcp]

So, let's look at the opposite. Husband makes a lot more than wife. How well do you think it would go over in most homes if husband said "I make more money so I get to decide" Really? I don't think that would play well in most homes.

DH has always made more than me (I was a SAHM for 14 years, but have been back at work for 20). He was making just about double what I made and he took a new job last year and his pay went up. He would never, ever say the bonus or pay or whatever is mostly mine and you can have a small percentage. I also pay the bills out of our joint account.

Ours is all joint and has been since day 1 (36 yrs married). We never say "my money". Our belief is, either you're all in or you aren't. If you aren't, there have to be ground rules and BOTH have to agree to them, period.

Whether it's a bonus or not is irrelevant. Some jobs pay bonuses every year regardless of performance which makes it part of the salary. Others are strictly performance based, but it's still income and in our case, household/family income.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Can you imagine what people who barely make $25,000 per year think of this thread?

 

[bdcp]

Can you imagine what people who barely make $25,000 per year think of this thread?

And, how many people who barely make 25K per year are going to WDW as often as a lot of people on this site? I do think the OP is at the very upper end income wise, but who cares. That really isn't the point. I see this as a power struggle.

 

[moon]

OP, may I ask what's your and your husband's line of work?

 

[AppleDumpling]

Not to be rude or anything, but the OP didn't ask whether or not she should've bothered getting married did she? You/your husband share bank accounts, that's awesome. But not all marriages are the same. What works for you guys might not work for others. It doesnt mean you have a better marriage than they do just because you share EVERYTHING. I shared finances with my exh and regretted it big time. I'll never do that again, let me tell you. Everyone is different. You do what works for you.

I did not mean to be rude either. I prefaced my statements with “in my opinion” (IMO) and “to me”, as a way of explaining my perspective, as it differs from OP’s. And “why bother getting married?” was a rhetorical question; I don’t expect an answer from her or anyone else.

You are right and I agree, each couple should do what works for them. I’m sorry you went through a bad marriage and have regrets, and maybe I’d feel differently if I were in your position. I try to be open-minded, however, all of us have views that are influenced by our own experiences.

 

[amberpi]

Can you imagine what people who barely make $25,000 per year think of this thread?

Lots of people anymore, even just regular old middle management and certainly in finance/consulting firms are heavily bonused, its just part of the compensation plan. There's a good number of very well off people on here and a good deal more upper middle class types. One of things I value at the Dis is that it's a cross section of all kinds of folks I don't encounter day to day. From a comment upthread, I think the OP was looking for exactly that - a wide variety of opinions. That's all.

 

[cabanafrau]

Thanks - my posting in recent years has been less as topics I enjoy are no longer possible to discuss here. In the way back days there was a Debate Board that was great - Richyams and I disagreed on everything but it was fun debating. I like politics a lot so had to find a different forum. Then a few years ago a bunch of good posters left.
But I find the community board still has a good cross section of people - so I asked the question here. Do I share a bit more here? Of course - because it is anonymous. Hard to discuss in real life.
I do go to a lot of concerts, including those out of town and sometimes share rooms with male friends - but I am not sure what that has to do with the topic.

I will admit we have an atypical marriage, but it works for us.

I think the key part is the last sentence -- and that's the part you might consider checking on with your husband. As long as that status quo holds, or that the status quo holding is still important to both of you, it's fine. If this truly isn't okay with him it could theoretically destabilize what has worked for the two of you.

What really makes me wonder is, no matter how extraordinary the purported income level, with the amount of discretionary spending that is taking place what happens as you both age, retire and health issues come into play? Plastic surgery or no, I'm thinking that ain't gonna look pretty.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I would say that there are many couples have vast differences in their incomes but treat each other as equals in the relationship where finances are concerned. It's just money and shouldn't be used to think of one's self as superior in a relationship. I would hate to think that my husband would assume he should go on more trips, have better things and the like because he's the primary bread winner.

OP, if you make such a hefty salary why do you have to rely on your bonus to have elective surgery? It seems like you could split your bonus and still be able to do the surgery no problem, maybe take out a small loan.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Oddly enough i am on the other side, almost to a TEE. My wife passed my income level a few years back.. she is approaching doubling my salary... we have separate accounts, which we got after she surpassed me, not before.. her idea... but whatever.. I am not a material person, i don't need a lot of STUFF.. She likes clothes, traveling and she was at a concert just this past Friday. I can't remember the last pair of jeans or shirt i bought... my car is 10 years old.. and i don't use drugs.. i am not a material person.. i do like sports and attend a few sporting events every year including my annual pilgrimage to Daytona and Talledega for NASCAR races... and Dallas for a Cowboys game.. or 2. She pays the house mortgage and all the insurances and i pay the other household expenses.. everything else is just make up as you go.. if she needs extra $ to pay for something, she will ask and i do that same but mind you.. i never need extra $ to pay for anything because i don't need anything extra...

She gets nice bonus every year and does with it as she pleases. She bought herself a new car with last years bonus.. mind you i drive a 10 year old Pontiac.. but again.. i am NOT a material person. This year, she plans on getting plastic surgery.. just like you as she is approaching 50.... She is also taking the kids on a Mediterranean Cruise in the spring... she asked me to go but i don't really want to.... not a big cruise fan myself... been there, done that..

Now would I love it if she were to ask me if i wanted a new truck from her bonus! OH YEA! She did offer to buy me a new truck just a few years ago and i turned it down because then i didn't really need it but now i do... I have mentioned it to her.. i need a new vehicle.. i just put $1,000 into my old vehicle but that will only get it another year or 2... The way i see it.. its her money and if she wants to have plastic surgery on her inner thighs (waste of money IMO) so be it. Its her money, but if i made a fuss about it she would relent and buy me a truck but i am too proud to do that...

To be honest, separate accounts creates a bit of a riff. When i was making 5x her i never thought about separate accounts.. my money was her money, no questions asked.. but now that the tables have turned she doesn't see it the same way. She resents that i have quit trying to climb the corporate ladder if you will. I did that for ~20 years or so and that was probably one of the things that drew her to me... I was ambitious, made decent money and appeared to be headed to an exec type of job.. something along the way changed that.. kids, layoffs, pessimism, not real sure but i eventually became content where i was in my career and remember her telling me more than once that i needed to advance in my company or look for another job because i had stalled out.. i said i was content and she was taken back.. and that's when she wanted separate accounts.

Personally, i think my wife is short sighted.. she is not looking very far down the road.. the tables might turn again some day and she better hope that I am the same person i was 20 years ago when i had no qualms with putting all of our money in one basket... maybe they wont ever change... to be honest. i hope they don't. She works hard and deserves every penny.

Geez, sorry for rambling... Enough of me, back to you.. if your husband had a need for some $ like a new vehicle or something of that nature then i think you would be obligated to help him financially with your bonus but if he's just gonna blow on dope or whatever, then no.. you don't owe him or and you should NOT feel obligated to throw some cash his way.

This is something I’ve pondered as this thread has progressed and the separate finances topic has taken on a life of its own. It would seem there’s a tremendous potential for conflict should the tables turn on income inequality within the marriage.

I mean, if he’s making double what she makes, and then suddenly it’s reversed, what then? If there’s a big inheritance, what then? If one hits the lottery jackpot, what then?

Not judging, but I am curious.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Lots of people anymore, even just regular old middle management and certainly in finance/consulting firms are heavily bonused, its just part of the compensation plan. There's a good number of very well off people on here and a good deal more upper middle class types. One of things I value at the Dis is that it's a cross section of all kinds of folks I don't encounter day to day. From a comment upthread, I think the OP was looking for exactly that - a wide variety of opinions. That's all.

I guess that's what I mean. Opinions are going to vary greatly based on experience and economic status. Ask me what I'd do with that money? Redo the siding and garage door on my house, probably. Or remodel the kitchen (heck, maybe the kitchen and a bathroom!)

Hmm, maybe I can share a related story. A few years into our marriage, I got a $500 bonus as employee of the month. It was actually my third employee of the month award. The first two awards went right into the budget for housing expenses (actually, maybe for Christmas? I forget). At the time it was a nice bonus, and we had wiggle room in the budget that basically I could do what I wanted with it. I asked my wife whether it was alright if I bought a guitar. She controls the budget, and if she had said "No, we could use that for our next vacation", that what would have happened. Instead, I got my guitar.

So, there ya go, OP. I'd ask for an opinion of my spouse. Then again, we share finances.

 

[robinb]

It seems that with the amount of money you're getting in a bonus, plus the birthday money, that you have a very successful career and hefty salary. If it's only about the bonus money, could you instead just share it as it's always been and use your other financial resources to put towards the cost of your desired surgery?

I was thinking the same thing. It's kind of a shell game, but it keeps both people in the relationship happy.

 

[PlainJane]

I'm a joint bank account type. We've had situations in our marriage where both of us worked or only one of us did (so the other could SAH with baby or to go to school). I will never understand the mentality that one spouse deserves more simply because they make more. We just do not think that way in our marriage. Like when the spouse who makes more gets a luxury car, it boggles my mind when people are surprised when the spouse that makes less also gets one. Why would I ever want my husband to essentially live at a lower means than myself?

If it were my husband I would ask and discuss why he was disappointed. If you had always used this money for things around the house and trips, things that include him, I can see why he would be hurt that you didn't want to do that this year. Maybe discuss that you thought it would be fine because you're getting additional funds from a birthday bonus to go on a joint trip, and this is something you have wanted for years.

 

[gillep]

This is something I’ve pondered as this thread has progressed and the separate finances topic has taken on a life of its own. It would seem there’s a tremendous potential for conflict should the tables turn on income inequality within the marriage.

I mean, if he’s making double what she makes, and then suddenly it’s reversed, what then? If there’s a big inheritance, what then? If one hits the lottery jackpot, what then?

Not judging, but I am curious.

I also find these conversations very interesting. Neither DH nor I play the lottery or gambles so that likely isn't going to be a consideration in our lives. My mom bought us some scratch off tickets for Christmas I won $160 and DH won $5, I kept it all because I took the time to cash them in, not sure what it will be spent on, maybe shared expenses while we travel, maybe I will squirrel it away for use as cash tips at the places that only take cash so that I don't need to worry about getting any for a while.

DH did get a good amount of money when his mom passed. I asked him what he was thinking of doing with it, and he said that he wanted to keep it in savings in the event that his father needed financial support in the future, I was more than happy to defer to him. If he had wanted to spend it, we likely would have discussed it and decided together, but for me, I felt like this money was a gift from his mom to him, and I wanted to be sure that he spent it in a way that he was happy with. His mother passing was a very difficult time for him, and I recognized that the money likely had a greater significance than ordinary funds coming in, and I wanted him to know that I understood that and was supportive.

If our roles reverse and I suddenly start making more than DH, we will look at our incomes vs expenses again, and come up with a new distribution of bills and expenses.

Edited to add: I just remembered that about 7 years ago, I received a small sum of money after my grandmother passed, I told DH that I was planning on using it to pay off my car loan (my bill) once the check came, he thought that was a great idea.

 

[mamacatnv]

I'm a joint bank account type. We've had situations in our marriage where both of us worked or only one of us did (so the other could SAH with baby or to go to school). I will never understand the mentality that one spouse deserves more simply because they make more. We just do not think that way in our marriage. Like when the spouse who makes more gets a luxury car, it boggles my mind when people are surprised when the spouse that makes less also gets one. Why would I ever want my husband to essentially live at a lower means than myself?

I agree with this - we are "equal" in our marriage regardless of who earns what. I just cannot fathom the mentality that one lives a difference life style from their spouse.
For years, DH was the main bread winner as I worked but I went for flexibility, less stress/hours etc to chase the kids, DH was corporate with all the benefits and larger salary. Then the recession hit, a major layoff, a major move and kids are now grown. I now make significantly more than DH but nothing has changed. We still review our monthly budget, agree on all spending, have a weekly "pocket money" allotment etc.

 

[Colleen27]

I disagree about it being "not-insignificant". It's only $2,000 out of $16,000 - $20,000 depending on taxes. That's, at most 12%.

I suppose we'd need details to say for sure. From the original post, I got the impression that the OP decides what is done with the bonus and while it has traditionally been something that benefits them both, it didn't sound like a cash gift was a regular part of the equation. From that standpoint - OP usually books a trip or pays for a home improvement project, not divvies up the cash - $2000 isn't a negligible amount. Especially since it is in addition to a trip which would otherwise have consumed much of the bonus.

Could never live as husband and wife and not have everything jointly 'ours'. Could never be, you pay that, I'll pay this, this is mine, that is yours, type of marriage. We made the decision early on that after children I would stay home with them. Have not worked outside the home since - now, 50 years later, retired, traveling, and happy, and everything has always been shared and shared alike.

Same here, but like you I'm coming at that as the lower income earner. I was a SAHM who did a bit of freelancing for the last 16 years, and there's no way I'd have been okay with everything being separate even if DH covered all the household expenses. I would find it very difficult if not impossible not to resent living with a so-called partner who enjoyed a much higher standard of living than I could, based on his higher earning potential. Even now that I'm back to work, I'm making less than I would have had I stayed in the workforce rather than leaving to allow DH to pursue his career without limitations and less than I would be if we hadn't made the joint decision to live where we do until the kids are grown. So I wouldn't have much patience with DH playing the "I earned it, I decide how it is spent" card. Because DH grew up with a pretty dysfunctional example of marital finances and specifically didn't want to repeat the conflicts that creates, we decided early on that everything would be joint and either *we* could afford something or *we* couldn't, no separate standards of living or keeping track of who earns/spends more.

And I agree with the posters who have said this would have gotten a very different reaction if it was the husband shaking up the financial status quo to buy a Corvette or something like that.

 

[Colleen27]

This is something I’ve pondered as this thread has progressed and the separate finances topic has taken on a life of its own. It would seem there’s a tremendous potential for conflict should the tables turn on income inequality within the marriage.

I mean, if he’s making double what she makes, and then suddenly it’s reversed, what then? If there’s a big inheritance, what then? If one hits the lottery jackpot, what then?

Not judging, but I am curious.

Ideally, it seems like the rules should stay the same even if the roles reverse. For DH & I, everything was joint when we earned a combined income of next-to-nothing, everything was joint when he was the sole wage earner, everything is joint now that our paychecks are not quite equal but at least in the same tax bracket, and I assume it will remain the same a decade from now when I'm out-earning him. But navigating a major change in circumstances can be a challenge regardless of how things were set up before because it is as much a matter of personality as one of finances. I know one couple at least who had a very hard time with that shake-up - the lower-earning spouse was perfectly content with everything being joint until an inherited asset made him the higher-earner. Then all of a sudden he was all for keeping things separate and dividing up the household expenses, which ended up with him enjoying a much higher standard of living than his wife.