Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[arminnie]

Here’s how it reads to me - he thinks his money is 100% his, but half of your earnings should also be his. Selfish and greedy.

 

[CrankyDad]

Well the real question for the husband is .....

Where you spending the money on for the plastic surgery??? I mean it makes a difference.. know that before you complain.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Here’s how it reads to me - he thinks his money is 100% his, but half of your earnings should also be his. Selfish and greedy.

Funny, because the way I read it, he's only asking for the same share he's always had while OP is wanting a higher percentage than she's historically taken.

And I'm not saying that makes OP greedy. But, I can certainly see where the negative impact oh her DH's status quo would cause him to feel slighted.

 

[arminnie]

I had to have major facial plastic surgery for a dog bite. So I added some other “enhancements”. I had my eyes done and excess abdominal skin removed (but way less complicated than a tummy tuck as no muscles were involved).

I’m not a big proponent of face lifts unless they are very subtle - too many end up looking horrid. A decent bra will probably have better results than a breast lift.

Three friends who were plastic surgeons told me that they did a lot of butt lifts. I can’t imagine getting one of those.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I had to have major facial plastic surgery for a dog bite. So I added some other “enhancements”. I had my eyes done and excess abdominal skin removed (but way less complicated than a tummy tuck as no muscles were involved).

I’m not a big proponent of face lifts unless they are very subtle - too many end up looking horrid. A decent bra will probably have better results than a breast lift.

Three friends who were plastic surgeons told me that they did a lot of butt lifts. I can’t imagine getting one of those.

Sorry to hear that. A friend of ours was recently mauled by 3 dogs belonging to a neighbor and her wounds are horrific. She would have been killed if the neighbor's son hadn't intervened.

 

[Nora03]

I’m amazed at such a large bonus amount. I guess I’m a small town hick. Also, I’ve never heard of someone getting a $10,000 Trip just for a special birthday. The OP must be a very valued employee. When I worked, salaries were based on job performance and not what age you were or needs (like single parent).

 

[arminnie]

Funny, because the way I read it, he's only asking for the same share he's always had while OP is wanting a higher percentage than she's historically taken.

And I'm not saying that makes OP greedy. But, I can certainly see where the negative impact oh her DH's status quo would cause him to feel slighted.

So he’s always wanted all of his income and half of hers - that just makes him be greedy historically longer.

 

[mamacatnv]

DH and I pool all funds, I don't understand the separation. I wouldn't want to live with someone whose lifestyle I couldn't afford, that just doesn't make sense to me. We are a team in all senses of the word, from chores to kid duties to finances.

I agree with others that it appears the sudden departure of the standard may be the issue.

And dang, I want OP's job!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

So he’s always wanted all of his income and half of hers - that just makes him be greedy historically longer.

First off, that's way too general. We have no idea what their setup is - could be it's much like my home where one person has sacrificed their career in order to advance the other's.

Second, it appears it's only the bonus that is split equally in the past, not OP's salary in general.

Previously, I mentioned I had no idea why OP's preference for the city mattered here, but I see it now. Yes, OP pays a higher share of the household. But, OP is also the one who insists on living in such an expensive neighborhood. So, she kind of has to shoulder the burden here.

And it's clear OP spends thousands & thousands of dollars on herself each year. Maybe instead of pulling the rug out from under DH on the bonus $ he's always had access to, OP could skip a concert or two and forgo some designer accessories??

 

[jevs]

Pot has been decriminalized in Chicago. He is a pot head only. Would never be with a heroin user!
Lots of interesting opinions.
To clarify- I want to live downtown. DH would be just as happy in a cheaper suburb.
As far as his career? He is set - number 1 in seniority, 7 weeks vacation and pretty much unfireable.

Thanks for all the thoughts! Giving me a number of things to think about.
Running into Star Wars so I’ll be off the thread for a few hours.

Mrs Rasta, is that you?

 

[Pacolovestacos]

OP, first off, I admire a couple that has a happy marriage and doesn't worry about whether it fits societal "norms". Good for you! Second, I'd stick to my guns, give him the 2 grand, maybe throw in a new bong or something, and get your tune up. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Oh my God, the new bong is killing me. Hilarious!!!! Lmao

 

[Pacolovestacos]

And it's clear OP spends thousands & thousands of dollars on herself each year. Maybe instead of pulling the rug out from under DH on the bonus $ he's always had access to, OP could skip a concert or two and forgo some designer accessories??

The OP can forgo designer accessories once the husband surrenders his bong to the POPO.

 

[NotUrsula]

To chime in on the "dope" issue, I'm in my mid-50's, and while in my youth "dope" was common slang for heroin, I haven't heard it used that way in a long time.

HOWEVER, now that heroin use is becoming a lot more common among the middle-class, I *did* initially wonder if the OP's husband could have gotten himself into some kind of debt situation where he not only might have wanted the extra money, but needed it, perhaps related to his drug use or his car (like perhaps have floated the cost of some auto body repair and the insurance cost increase that went along with it, since it isn't unheard of for junkies, or stoners, to get into wrecks a bit more often than more sober drivers.)

In the OP's place I'd really be delving deeper into questions of if there might some hidden substantial spending habit he doesn't want to reveal, or if it's really just a case of "but what about ME?"

PS: I've really got to agree that it seems especially weird to be getting a high-priced "milestone birthday" gift from an employer. A work anniversary I could see, but a birthday? Definitely unusual.

 

[NHdisneylover]

In my relationship, there are certain things each of us tends to decide -- including booking vacations---but the idea that I'd think since I normally decide where we'll vacation with a certain chunk of money (and I am always looking for what WE'll like) means that is my money to do as I please with and can suddenly decide to spend it on some trip purely for myself and my mom (for example) leaving him out, is just not a thing I would ever consider.
Likewise, I would be hurt and angry if he told me there was no vacation budget this year because he decided to do xyz thing for himself only.

Now, if there were something one of us truly wanted to do, we'd discuss. We'd look at how WE wanted to find the money for it (cut down on vacations, but maybe also on concert going, for example) and how WE could support one or the other's big wish.

I am saddened that so many fellow DISsers apparently think I am "greedy" because I have brought very little money into our relationship but still feel everything we have is pretty much equally ours.
DH and I knew when we got married just after obtaining degrees and his was engineering and mine was teachign that our income levels would be lopsided. Then we moved immediately to where HE got the best job offer, even though that meant I'd need another year to recertify in that state before I could even use my degree. Then we had kids and both agreed I would stay home with them (for many reasons--including that new teachers do not make much more than daycare and that his boss did not take well to people calling in sick to take care of ill children, so if I were home he'd never have to do that). we moved through 5 states chasing his career and at some point realized it was silly to put money and time towards me recertifiying in the new state only to move again before I could use it, then moved abroad where our visas did not even allow me to work for the first five years.
Luckily, DH, like Gumbo, does not see me as greedy or all of the money as "his" He sees the many ways I have contributed to our partnership, including the many ways I have made it possible for him to focus on his career as he did (moving, handling ALL the house/yard stuff, appointments, etc for decades, he never once called in sick for an ill child in 20 years of being a parent . . .) and everything is OURS.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

The money is yours to do with what you want. You should feel no guilt. In regards to the relationship part of the situation, I am sorry to hear he is a acting that way.

 

[Sanchez]

DIS logic:

1. Man is primary/sole earner and wants to spend money he earns for himself - Man is a controlling jerk;

2. Woman is primary/sole earner and wants to spend money she earns for herself - Man is selfish, greedy, lazy jerk.

 

[HeatherC]

You say your marriage is a team. The way you describe it, however, comes across more as a roommate situation to me. Once you start with the "my money, his money" stuff it doesn't sound like a team at all.
To me, being married is "our" money. (I have been married for 22 years btw)

The reason I say this is because it seems like it puts a "higher value" on one spouse over the other...and I don't mean that in a financial sense.

Obviously, this works for you guys so that is great. But the way it sounds to me is that it really isn't working as a team and that you seem to feel like you bring more to the marriage. If that is the case, then the money isn't the issue. Maybe there are other things at play here that you guys need to consider as a couple.

 

[tzolkin]

Slightly off topic but the keeping finances separate seems like so much work. I can see dividing big, regular things like the mortgage but if you have an inequality in incomes constantly trying to figure out who pays what and if someone is owed money seems like a giant PIA. With a family tons of little things come up like needing new Christmas lights, dog needs a haircut, gift for the kid's teacher or a field trip, water bill is higher than normal, etc. I just can't wrap my mind around constantly figuring out who's paying for what, etc. Sounds like a big headache.

I have also often seen this issue. I know many couples who argue constantly about who paid for what (“I paid the last two times we went out to lunch”, “I took the dog to the vet so you owe me since it’s your dog”, etc).

Perhaps for some keeping their finances separate alleviates fights over money, but it’s certainly not always the case. I think if you’re prone to have resentment and disagreements about money, it will happen regardless of whether your finances are shared or separate.

The biggest concern I see with separate finances is a lack of budgeting and goal-setting. Because each spouse winds up with a good amount of ”discretionary money” and there is no accountability to each other, that money tends to be spent. When it is saved, it’s almost always one-sided and I just don’t understand how that will work out later down the road (when one spouse has tons of money for retirement and the other has nothing).

 

[mjkacmom]

DH earns a lot more thank me, probably because I haven’t worked in over 20 years. However, the money he earns is ours, and we mutually decide how it is spent, including his substantial bonus. It does sound like this couple is not in a financial hardship, even if the bonus is spent on the OP. In this case, we’d discuss if we were both ok with that amount being spent on plastic surgery.

 

[leebee]

DH and I pool all funds, I don't understand the separation. I wouldn't want to live with someone whose lifestyle I couldn't afford, that just doesn't make sense to me. We are a team in all senses of the word, from chores to kid duties to finances.

And dang, I want OP's job!

TOTALLY!! I really cannot/won't comment on the OP's situation as the money in play is so much more than I could ever consider having. Coming from my perspective, their lifestyle choices are out of my realm, so it's really not fair for me to comment on any of it... it'd just come off as judgmental (which it probably is...).

Since the day we married, we have pooled our resources. I manage the money, pay the bills, etc., from our joint checking account. DH has always made more than I (once he finished grad school/post-doc) but that has never mattered. My check goes into our joint checking account, $200 of his goes to savings (joint) and the rest to our checking account. I can't imagine doing otherwise, although we are about to have our own "fun money" accounts. I am starting a new job which will more than double my income (don't get all excited, I'll earn less than $50K, but that's a BIG step up from $19K), so we've been talking about each having some money of our own. It would be nice to get a surprise gift from DH, like maybe diamond earrings or something. We don't do anything like that right now because we have to budget so closely. There's never been "spare" money... we just talk about the extra things and decide if we can afford it or not. Unfortunately, that takes the surprise out of "big" presents, and honestly I wouldn't approve him spending "big" on a gift just for me. HOWEVER... now that I make so much more, we have some flexibility in our budget. I think that we are each going to "get" $100 a paycheck deposited into our own accounts, so we have some fun money for just us, to buy what we want without worrying how it'll hit our bottom line. If I know us, either I'll spend it on him and he on me, or we'll both buy stuff for DD, LOL!