Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[design_mom]

I also can't really identify with the situation since our money has been joint since we got married. Bonuses are discussed and are usually (mostly) spent as a family, although I wouldn't necessarily say "no" if there was something important to him that he wanted to spend his bonus on.

I wonder if the problem is actually money, or how the decision was made. The OP has said the money has ususally been spent on household upgrades or a trip for both of them. But, did the OP make the decision herself: "Honey, this year I'm using my bonus to go to Italy. Wanna come?" and "I'm using my bonus this year to redo the kitchen." or was it discussed as a team and you *both* decided what to spend it on?

If the OP always decides single-handedly how the money will be spent, and the spouse is just along for the ride, then this decision seems like a regular part of the marriage (although the spouse has benefited from the OP's decisions before and won't this time.) However, if you usually discuss as a team where the bonus will be spent, then I guess I don't blame him for being taken aback. Even if my DH wanted to spend his bonus on something just for himself, there would be a big difference between "Honey, I really want XYZ, and I was thinking I could use this year's bonus to buy it. What are your thoughts?" and "I know we've both benefited from my bonus before, but I want to buy XYZ this year and it's my money, so..."

 

[bethy]

Our finances have been 100% joint from day one. It has worked for us for 22 years.

I'd say that even with separate accounts that in a marriage everything is technically joint. At least it is legally in most states. I think that you should come to a decision together how to spend the money in your marriage. In most successful and happy marriages there is no me versus you. Like you said you are a team.

That doesn't mean no plastic surgery for you, necessarily - just that you need to come to the decision together.

 

[shoney]

I would have an honest talk. This may not be a money issue. Is it possible he doesn’t want you to have the surgery?

 

[ronandannette]

No advice either. You guys need to work it out within the framework of your marriage.
I've been married 35 years and everything has been joint when it came to finances from day one, so your financial arrangements are something I have no experience with. We don't spend more than about $100 on anything that would be for just one of us without a brief conversation and agreement. I have no idea HOW that came about, but just how our marriage evolved.

Hi tvguy! It's a Christmas miracle - I agree 100% with every word you have said here and I don't think I could have said it better myself.

All I will add as a comment for the OP is I know that if I asked my DH for anything I really wanted, he would never oppose me on the basis of his own self-interest, nor would I ever do that to him. I hope it works out for you both.

 

[mom2rtk]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

 

[disykat]

We share finances and financial decisions. I'm the lower wage earner in our family and I admit I don't like it when DH gets a bonus and decides what to do with it without my input. (that happened once, he had it all spent in his head before he made it home from work!) We generally make all financial decisions together.

That said, I'm fine with him spending a bunch of it on himself and having "majority say" on the bonus money in principle - his hobby is dirt biking and the money he spends on that is all about him - unless we have household stuff that needs that money. When I got an inheritance, I wanted "majority say" on that money. (That was our WDW/DCL anniversary trip, but the rest went to household money and we used it to pay down "his" truck.)

 

[sonnyjane]

I would have an honest talk. This may not be a money issue. Is it possible he doesn’t want you to have the surgery?

That's my guess. Based on my extensive credentials (watching Dr. Phil), I know that a lot of divorces occur in couples where the women make more than the men due to the man's feeling of insecurity because he's supposed to be "the breadwinner" (not my opinion... "society's"). Add that on top that now you want to have plastic surgery to look younger/more attractive and maybe he's feeling insecure about that too.

 

[hereyago]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

I posted up thread that I would say the the same thing if it were the other way around. The other spouse in this situation is only paying for his car and insurance, so he gets to use HIS paycheck on himself.

 

[longboard55]

We will soon be hitting 40 years, 38 were spent with separate checking. Its a marriage saver. My wife took some of her inherited money and got some 'work' done and was very happy with it. I play the stock market and enjoy that. Its not 50/50 with expenses, we divide it up based on income. I pay for the big items like vacations and she always says thank you very much. She likes expensive hair cuts and I say she looks great, not how much did that cost. Works for us

 

[Wishing on a star]

I will go ahead and answer, on the assumption that the situation as described is truthful and real.

am 100% with you.
It isn't like your husband is being asked to give up anything, like your vacation together.
He is not being expected to pick up any slack on bills, etc.

Sounds like it is okay that you all have some separate finances, as long as he gets half of yours, and you get none of his.

Just from what I am reading/understanding... Yes... "Houston, we have a problem."

 

[sonnyjane]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

If finances were shared (all paychecks go into a pool) then that's something you talk about, but sounds like she and her DH have had the separate finance system for quite a while, as do my DH and I. He makes three times as much as me (so basically OP's situation in reverse). He pays the mortgage, utilities, etc. and I pay for any travel, dinners out, or entertainment. We each pay our separate groceries and car payments and each put a certain percentage aside for retirement and emergency savings. After that, his money is his, mine is mine, and we spend it at our discretion.

I personally would be extremely uncomfortable in a relationship where everything was pooled together. I know many people do that and it works for them, but it wouldn't work for me. DH and I have too many completely different interests and there's no way I can imagine us spending things on diversions without resentment on one side or the other if we did things that way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

Yes, absolutely, my answer would be the same, There is very very rarely any double standard with me.
After many many years of this 'standing agreement' and status-quo, it is what it is.

And, in fact, I will go a bit further.... plastic surgery is a very deep and personal thing.
A person should be able to make that kind of decision, especially, if they, alone, have the means to pay for it.

There are always other factors... for example, if the DH wanted to buy a boat, or a very expensive top of the line luxury automobile, while his wife had to make do with an older, and possibly less than nice/reliable vehicle... Then it becomes an issue of needs being met. I do not see that in this case, at all.

 

[robinb]

When I was working full time, my DH and I had a similar agreement. He made more money than I did and we both had separate checking accounts and we paid for our joint bills proportionately. So I understand about "your" money, "my" money and "our" money.

I agree with @Gumbo4x4. Historically you have always spent your bonus as a couple for the enjoyment of both of you. I can understand why your DH is feeling left out this year even with the $10,000 extra birthday bonus for a trip. Frankly, I would be insulted if you threw $2K my way out of $25K while spending the rest on yourself.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your DH and come to some kind of compromise that makes both of you happy.

 

[gillep]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

I think she should go for it. My husband and I have a very similar set up as the OP except no dope usage and he makes considerably more than me. Also, I pay much more towards the household than it seems her DH does (all utilities, dog expenses, about half of our travel expenses, car insurance for both of our cars, groceries, retirement contributions). I think of DH's bonus (I have never received one from my job) as his money. Most of the time he uses it for shared expenses (last year he purchased us a second DVC contract), although there have been years that he mostly spends it on himself and may purchase a new triathlon bike or something like that. If I asked him for a shared expense I am sure he would be more than happy to use it towards that, in fact, he said that if I wanted he would use this year's bonus towards a new car for me, I likely won't take him up on the offer, mostly because my current car is fine, but it is a possibility. Maybe if we always sat down and discussed his bonus I would have more of an issue if he just randomly went out and spent it on himself one year, but I didn't get from the OPs post that they really did this sit down, just that it usually went towards shared expenses.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

OP, was there something your husband planned on buying with "his cut" of your bonus that now he won't be able to get? Because that's the only way I can see him being thrown for a loop about the situation from the financial angle. (Not that it would necessarily justify his being upset.) Without having any special plans for his share of the money, I can't really understand why it would bother him that you'd want to use this bonus to treat yourself, especially since it sounds like you've carried much of the financial load for a long time. I could understand him having concerns about the plastic surgery itself -- medical risk, complications -- has that been discussed with him?

I'm assuming there are no outstanding debts or other financial responsibilities on which he feels the bonus would be better spent?

ETA: I'm leaving my original wording in place even though I worded it poorly. For clarification, I can understand her husband being caught off guard by the OP deciding to keep this year's bonus money for herself when it hasn't worked that way in the past. However, I would think it wouldn't take much for her husband to come around to the idea of, "You know what, she's the one primarily contributing to our expenses, the bonus money is technically hers, and if she wants to do something special with it this year as part of her milestone celebration, I can get on board with that."

 

[2forMe]

For anyone saying she should just go for it...... would your answer be the same if the husband had the big bonus and wanted to spend it on a boat or something only he wanted?

Yes....

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree with those who say that you have had an established pattern and that to change it without both agreeing to it (or without some major reason why it has to be changed, such as job loss) isn't really the way a healthy relationship works.

I also wonder if some of the support for the OP would be as strong if the OP were a man and his wife earned less. I think there is so much more than who earns how much in any of these things. People contribute to relationships in many ways, financial being only one small part.


And, since OP asked for honesty, I have to wonder how much of the lopsided finances might be tied to her preference to live in a high priced part of Chicago? Would he be just as happy living somewhere that had lower housing costs? Would he have better career options elsewhere? Maybe, maybe not---but we do not know that. What we get from OP is that SHE chooses to live in a super costly area, she chooses to spend a lot of money on fun extras for herself alone (concerts every week, etc) and now wants to spend all of the yearly bonus purely on herself even though that is not the established pattern. Addmittedly, I am not in the income bracket to do these things, nor have we ever seperated finances, so I am coming at this from a far different perspective, but it sounds like OP is pretty heavily focused on her wants in the relationship and not so much on THEIR, well, anything. (based purely on these posts----but with this little to go on, that is the impresion I get).

 

[disykat]

PS - did anyone else have to google "dope?" I assumed it meant heroin, but apparently it can mean either heroin or marijuana. If OP lives where pot is legal maybe that's why she felt comfortable mentioning it.

 

[gillep]

I agree with those who say that you have had an established pattern and that to change it without both agreeing to it (or without some major reason why it has to be changed, such as job loss) isn't really the way a healthy relationship works.

I also wonder if some of the support for the OP would be as strong if the OP were a man and his wife earned less. I think there is so much more than who earns how much in any of these things. People contribute to relationships in many ways, financial being only one small part.


And, since OP asked for honesty, I have to wonder how much of the lopsided finances might be tied to her preference to live in a high priced part of Chicago? Would he be just as happy living somewhere that had lower housing costs? Would he have better career options elsewhere? Maybe, maybe not---but we do not know that. What we get from OP is that SHE chooses to live in a super costly area, she chooses to spend a lot of money on fun extras for herself alone (concerts every week, etc) and now wants to spend all of the yearly bonus purely on herself even though that is not the established pattern. Addmittedly, I am not in the income bracket to do these things, nor have we ever seperated finances, so I am coming at this from a far different perspective, but it sounds like OP is pretty heavily focused on her wants in the relationship and not so much on THEIR, well, anything. (based purely on these posts----but with this little to go on, that is the impresion I get).

I guess I really wasn't sure if it was a change in the established pattern or not. If she usually decides what to do with the bonus, but it just includes shared expenses, then I don't see this as much of a departure, she is still deciding what to spend the bonus money on, it just happens to not be a shared expense. Now, if they usually sit down and discuss the bonus and decide how to spend it together, then I totally agree with you. As I said previously I am the wife who earns less and I consider DH's bonus money his, even when he decides to use it on us.

 

[sonnyjane]

PS - did anyone else have to google "dope?" I assumed it meant heroin, but apparently it can mean either heroin or marijuana. If OP lives where pot is legal maybe that's why she felt comfortable mentioning it.

Except that she doesn't.