I'm going to apologize in advance...it seems like all I'm doing lately with my journal is sending out the negative. But writing is very theraputic for me so I'm going to tell you all about the wedding weekend.
I had to take 3 full days of vacation time from work (with the day for the bridal shower that makes a full week of time for me because I work a 4-10hr week that I've now devoted to this wedding). We were up at 5:30am Thursday to shuttle in for a 9:30am flight. We got into San Jose about noon and then waited 45 minutes (with reservation in hand) to pick up a mini-van. That is when the cell phones began to ring with our list of errands for this and pick ups for that...when my offer of help for finishing up the placecard candy holders for the reception was vehemetly declined and I was sent off to get my nails done. This was truly the most relaxing part of the event but I was left there before someone came to get me a full hour and a half after feet and hands were made pretty.
You know when there are clues you should pick up on in hindsight - keeping me out of the loop on the placecards is one of those clues...keep reading - its gets better.
We are expected to pick up still more relatives at the airport Thursday night and then to get everyone over to a place for dinner. No reservations...just procure seating for 20-30 people in a very busy establishment. DH is sent off to do this, drop off that and misses most of dinner. I'm beginning to wonder why I came down so early...expected to entertain folks I don't know from North Dakota and keep water glasses full as this was self-serve establishment.
Friday am - up when its not even bright yet and it is very early. DH is gone before I'm out of the shower and since I've got school work to do anyway...he promises to pick me up for lunch around 1pm. Rehersal at the mission is at 4pm sharp...traffic is horrendous. Lunch never happens. I'm changed and ready to go to the rehersal and the dinner event afterward...DH simply puts on a long-sleaved shirt over his jeans (what no slacks and tie?) and tells me I'm over dressed but its too late to change (I'm wearing a nice sweater twin set over a skirt - no stockings....).
The wedding Nazi (sorry if this offends anyone...it describes this planner to a T) informs those of us NOT involved to please sit in the back and BE QUIET - No flash pictures, no red lights on digital cameras...everyone is a little late - did I mention traffic! I make friends with wives of the other two groomsmens and help the two teenage family members of one of them with their homework. (And they help me with mine the next day!). The rehersal goes until 5:30pm - and its time to find the restaurant for dinner. Since others not rehersing but have come into town from long distances have also been invited to this event...they arrive at the restaurant and sit where they want before the rest of us arrive. This upsets the bride and her idea of a table for the wedding party...we sit where we find room and I actually see my husband for the first time for more than 15 minutes since arriving at the airport the day before. (Here is another big clue...but you had to read between the lines.)
Wedding day...husband is expected to be dressed and out to pick up all groomsmen, ring and coin berrers, and groom by 9am. How am I getting to the ceremony...call another groomsman's wife and I drive the California freeways to the Mission with the teens navigating...we get there early...Oh my! I take my Cloze passage and the teens to Starbucks and we drink lattes and they help me with my homework by doing the activity for me. We're back at the mission in plenty of time to be seated before the music starts. Full Mass wedding...even though the groom is not Catholic. It's after 3pm and we know that there will be pictures between now and the reception (appetisers at 5:30pm). We try to ask our spouses if they need anything (water!) and if we should hang around to get to the reception with them...(NO!)...the wedding nazi has us yelling across a courtyard because we can't come near our husbands. We opt to head back to the hotel for a rest and then try to find the reception hall without good directions later. (OK, the senior boy and I mapquested the place prior to leaving and it sent us entirely in the wrong direction...) The groomsman connected to this lovely family meets us finally in the parking lot and then gives us news that leaves me wanting to walk back to the hotel. His family is at table 6, Anna the other groomsman's wife is at table 10, and I've been exiled unescorted to table 8. The guys will have to sit on a platform bathed in hot pink lights in the front of the room for the entire event...sit down dinner, floor show of Filipino dancers, toasts, and a list of special dances and other wedding events. (No wonder I'm not welcome to help with the placecards...I would have put my foot down to this head table nonsense!).
Did the groomsmen know about this one wife asks? No...they're about to be introduced like a bunch of gameshow contestants for this affair and they didn't know about that either. I'm sorry, my husband replied that we'll have one fish and one beef to share on the RSVP...we don't get much time together with our work schedules and here we've been mostly separated for 3 days...part of our commitment to each other is to share meals together when we can - the groom, a friend of both of ours for over 20 years is well aware of this...we were expecting to sit together.
I'm led over to my seat and have been put with people I honestly don't know...I guess I went to high school with two of the men and to college with another but they aren't people I've ever really considered good acquaintances let alone friends. I field questions about my children...no I don't have any...why not? really none of any of your business...I sequester a bottle wine and start drinking.
DH gets yelled at by the nazi for not staying put at the head table when he finally gets a moment to check on me. I tell her I have a ring and license to talk to this man...wine is taking effect but slowly. I'm expected to go out and have my picture taken for some photoguestbook...not without my husband I tell the people circulating with this request and he's up there. Oh, well he's not available - you're damn right he's not, he's married to me (about 4 glasses down). After cold beef (and I'm guesing even colder fish since they guy next to me said his was frozen near the bottom) and another glass of wine...I take my twenty dollars up to dance with the groom for the money dance (tacky, tacky, tacky). I give him an earful! "Oh I'm sorry you feel that way...next."
You see, my husband and the friends we surround ourselves with are not the "hang out with the guys or go out with the girls type"...we do things together as couples. John (the groom) has been a little on the outside of this group but has been very respectful of everyone's coupleness over the years we've know him. He knows that my husband and I do not separate much at parties, we share our meals with each other at restaurants when we're out, we attend events together. The other two groomsmen are similar in their social life and I'd met one of the couples a few months ago when the 6 of us spent a very nice evening celebrating the women's birthdays (all within 3 days of each other) together last November.
Now the head table may be traditional...it may be OK when your attandants are all single...but when you are the last of your group of friends to wed and you've asked men that are very relationship oriented to be a part of your festivities...you need to be upfront with them well in advance that they will be separated for the better part of 16 hours. As one of the wives put it...I didn't travel a 1,000 miles and reschedule surgeries to watch my husband melt under pink lights so this woman could play princess for the day. Quite frankly, had I known what was going to happen I would have opted not to come either. The last groomsman (with the family in tow) said that if he'd known what the arrangements for the reception had been in the advance he would have declined being involved whatsoever. It was the simply the most inconsiderate treatment of friendships any of the three of us couples had ever experienced.
DH decides after watching me dance with the senior that I've probably had enough to drink and somehow escapes the nazi's grasp to take me back to the hotel (he has to set up the room with the sparkling wine and flowers I've purchased to make the bridal suite cherry). The other groomsmen gather their wives and children and beat us to the hotel...tuxes are almost stripped off in the hallway and handed over to DH. There are still a list of unchecked dances these guys were suppose to particpate in...
Day 4 was suppose to be a brunch to ooh and ahh over the opening of gifts. None of the groomsmen and their wives attended...it was not a coordinated effort. My husband and I took the tuxs back to the shop and headed on a long drive to San Francisco and back. Others did the same or went to movies with the kids. At the airport later that evening there was grumbling that if a deep and heartfelt apology wasn't offered by both bride and groom the friendships were not to be continued.
The way you treat your friends (and their wives or husbands) during your special day shows whether or not you value their friendship or respect their relationships. Every wedding ceremony I've listened too (including my own short 5 minute one), the officiant asks the married guests to reaffirm their own vows while they pledge to honor those of the couple getting married. Getting married is not all about photo opportunities or checking the wedding planner's boxes, its about the combining of families and friends the two of you share. And you will need their support to make your marriage sucessful (everyone understands how hard it is when family or friend try to cause riffs in your relationship). Marriage takes hard work to maintain after the honeymoon is over. For my friends, it may end before they get out of Greece if Bridezilla doesn't settle down and at 40 years of age, grow up a bit. Since they will be living a long distance away from her support network of "friends" she'll need the support of those who were her husband's friends and she chose to alienate for the sake of the perfect picture and wedding video.
Rant over...but yes, I'm still angry.
-Wedding Widow in Seattle
