Last Minute Invitation - What do you think?

[Luv Bunnies]

Yesterday when I was picking up my DS10 at school, he ran up and said, "Sam's mom wants to talk to you." I said, "Who's Sam?" He said, "A kid in the class next door. He's having a birthday party tomorrow and his mom wants to talk to you about inviting me." I said, "Why are you just getting an invitation today when the party is tomorrow?" He said, "Because Sam's having a bowling party and he could only invite 7 kids. He just found out that David can't make it and I'm the next one on the list." So then Sam's mom appears and says she wants to invite Ryan to the party. She said she would send us an e-mail later with the details. My son was all excited and asking if he could go.

It turns out the party is about a 25 minute drive from our house. Plus, my husband and I are attending a dinner in the evening for a chorus that he directs. We've been involved in planning the dinner and need to get there early. I could have taken my son to the party and picked him up but it would have meant some major rushing and changing our plans for the day. I need to drop both of my boys at my parents before the dinner and if I shuttled my son to the party, then home, then to my parents, I would have spent a lot of time in the car and not much cooking my dish (it's a potluck) and getting ready for dinner.

I don't care that he wasn't on the original list - not everyone can be invited and I've never even heard my son talk about this kid. I could see adding people to the party a week ahead of time but not the day before. And, I don't think Sam's mom should have talked to my son about the party until she talked to me. Now I'm the bad guy for not wanting to change our plans and rush around to get him there and back. What do you think about being invited last minute and being told you're a replacement guest? Should the mom have contacted me before talking to my son? Our school has a family directory. She could have easily gotten my phone number or e-mail address from that. I feel badly that my son is upset at not getting to go, but I explained that we can't do everything especially when the invitation is so late.

 

[AnnaS]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. She has to understand that people can't just change their plans if they have any at the last minute. I hope your son understands. Tell him that if you had known a few days before, he might have been able to attend. I don't think I would invite someone last minute and she should have had replies a few days before that or invited one/two extra kids as a back-up if someone could not make it.

If he was not too upset/bothered by it, I probably would not send him even if I had no plans but kids usually get really excited over these invitations.

 

[kirbsam]

so you cant go. what is the big deal? sounds like you are peeved at the perceived snub. let it go. it is not worth it. you either can make it work or you cant.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Gee, he was "next on the list"....I would have let my kid if I didn't have plans regardless of the circumstances.
I have thrown in the towel regarding kid's parties, they are all weird to me now.

My dd went to a b-day sleepover, no gifts and they took the kids to their church's Christmas Pagent.

Whatever....

 

[Luv Bunnies]

so you cant go. what is the big deal? sounds like you are peeved at the perceived snub. let it go. it is not worth it. you either can make it work or you cant.

Nope. Not peeved by any perceived snub at all. I've never even heard of the kid. I was put off by the mom talking to my son before asking me if he could be invited. He got all excited and I had to be the bad guy and tell him he couldn't go. He got all weepy and ran to his room. So now there's turmoil in our house because of someone else's planning. I guess I'm more peeved at being put in this situation with my son.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Nope. Not peeved by any perceived snub at all. I've never even heard of the kid. I was put off by the mom talking to my son before asking me if he could be invited. He got all excited and I had to be the bad guy and tell him he couldn't go. He got all weepy and ran to his room. So now there's turmoil in our house because of someone else's planning. I guess I'm more peeved at being put in this situation with my son.

Isn't that the normal way to invite someone to a birthday party though? The invites usually go through the kids, not the parents.

I probably would have tried to take my son if he really wanted to go. You said you were cooking and getting ready, but where was dh? We always have 12 things going on at once it seems, and I try my best to make sure it all happens, if at all possible.

Now, with all that said, I think inviting a "replacement" kid is extremely tacky. I generally don't give my kids limits for parties, but let them invite their closest friends. Because she gave him a limit of 10, or whatever, he felt like he HAD to have 10 kids there. It just seems really silly to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

Nope. Not peeved by any perceived snub at all. I've never even heard of the kid. I was put off by the mom talking to my son before asking me if he could be invited. He got all excited and I had to be the bad guy and tell him he couldn't go. He got all weepy and ran to his room. So now there's turmoil in our house because of someone else's planning. I guess I'm more peeved at being put in this situation with my son.

Well, I've had my kids get disappointed when they've received invitations, and I tell them that we can't make it. They get the invitation before I do. Just had my kids' bowling birthday party a few hours ago - 19 kids! 4 kids who didn't RSVP didn't show up, one who didn't did show up, and one who didn't RSVP called me yesterday, saying that her plans had changed, and they were coming (although she never called to tell me they weren't).

 

[bluesaturn]

I was put off by the mom talking to my son before asking me if he could be invited. He got all excited and I had to be the bad guy and tell him he couldn't go.

I don't think this is a big deal. As the parent, aren't you always going to be the bad guy? You are also the good guy who takes feeds him, clothes him, takes him to Disney World. I think it's good that he is learning that a family works together and sometimes has to make some sacrifices for each other.

 

[MM27]

It doesn't sound like the mom talked to your son first, it sounds like her son talked to your son about it. She probably wanted to talk to you because there was no actual invitation to give him and wanted to fill you in on all the details. No big deal if you can't send him. It was a last minute invite. I'm sure they understand that there was a chance that you had previous plans.

 

[portocall]

Birthday parties have gotten so complicated My kids don't attend every one they get invited too and I don't mind being the bad guy. If you can't do, you can't do it and I am sure all the adults will understand.

 

[bballmom56]

It seems they do this for weddings now too - there is an A list and a B list. As the declinations from the A list come in, then invitations go out to the people on the B list. I didn't realize it had trickled down to kids' parties!

Had it been me, I would have tried to make it happen so my son could go. But if you can't then he needs to understand that.

 

[allison443]

Isn't that the normal way to invite someone to a birthday party though? The invites usually go through the kids, not the parents.

OP I think you are just having "mom guilt" which I often have myself I can tell by the way you were trying to see if you could manage to get him there, fit it in, etc. instead of just saying oh, well, we can't make it. Especially because your son got upset, you feel badly that he couldn't go.
I would just continue to make very little of it and move on. If my child said anything I would just say, yes, it's too bad we already had plans, or it's too bad we didn't have more notice.

 

[wonderlanne]

Gee, he was "next on the list"....I would have let my kid if I didn't have plans regardless of the circumstances.
I have thrown in the towel regarding kid's parties, they are all weird to me now.

My dd went to a b-day sleepover, no gifts and they took the kids to their church's Christmas Pagent.

Whatever....

congratulations on your non-smoking success!

 

[wonderlanne]

Yesterday when I was picking up my DS10 at school, he ran up and said, "Sam's mom wants to talk to you." I said, "Who's Sam?"

1. totally rude to tell your son he was a replacement. the invitation could have been extended with a "i'm sorry the invitation was so late".
2. the mother should have spoken to you first.
3. sorry your son couldn't go...maybe next time.
4. find out when the mother's birthday is and give her an emily post book as her presie!

 

[ajk912]

It never would have occured to me to talk to the parents first. No point in seeking out mom or dad if the boy (who was standing right there) would have said, "Oh, we are going to Disneyworld tomorrow, I can't come to the party!" wishful thinking, I know.

My kids are younger than yours and they understand that we can't go to every birthday party.

As for the backup party guests..I do that too. My kids can only invite X people because I can only afford to pay for X people. Of course, they want to invite EVERYONE. As people decline invites, I can say, "Ok, we'll send an invite to the next person on your list.." I wish I could afford to invite everyone, but money doesn't grow on trees! We do start sending out invites a month in advance, to their homes, so I have a finalized list no more than a week in advance, though. And since we do all invites by mail..there is no worry about thinking you are a B list guest.

 

[Bluestars]

I think inviting someone to a party the day before the event is rude. I have a SIL that did this to us two years in a row. I don't care if the party planner needs one more spot filled, it's rude to invite someone the day before the event.

I also think the parent should have contacted the OP first about the party.

 

[hentob]

so you cant go. what is the big deal? sounds like you are peeved at the perceived snub.

I didn't get that vibe from the OP at all

 

[daisax]

I was put off by the mom talking to my son before asking me if he could be invited. He got all excited and I had to be the bad guy and tell him he couldn't go. He got all weepy and ran to his room. So now there's turmoil in our house because of someone else's planning. I guess I'm more peeved at being put in this situation with my son.

As far as wishing she'd checked with you first before getting his hopes up, he's 10 years old, not 4. If he was invited 2 weeks before the party and you already knew you had other plans and had to tell him no, would you be in any different a position?

 

[EMom]

As far as wishing she'd checked with you first before getting his hopes up, he's 10 years old, not 4. If he was invited 2 weeks before the party and you already knew you had other plans and had to tell him no, would you be in any different a position?

Yes, she would have. If she'd been given a week or two week's notice....(Heck, how about just a few days' notice?).....She might have been able to figure out how to juggle the schedule and make it all work. Maybe she could have planned a dish for the potluck that took less time. Maybe she could have found out whether another mom she knew and trusted was taking her son to the party as well, and then the two boys could have ridden together, thus making it possible for the OP's child to attend without putting her in a bind. Yes, just a teensy bit of common consideration on the party of the birthday boy's mom could have averted a lot of this grief.

But many people these days seem to have have their "common consideration" surgically removed at birth. Birthday mom did indeed set up the OP to be the bad guy, whether she did it out of sheer ignorance or just plain old thoughtlessness. In order for her son to attend the party at the last minute (as a seat-filler, no less ), she would have had to have made like she was playing a game of Twister. All thanks to a mom who couldn't take 5 lousy minutes to phone/email the OP and run the idea by her to see if it would work.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that if a kid gets a party invitation....even if it's at the dead last minute.....they're probably going to get excited and want to go. And oh goody, to get to be the mom who gets to say, "No can do." What fun! All thanks to another mom who didn't pause the think about the consequences of her, "Who can we invite to fill in that last spot so it doesn't go to waste?' invitation. Nope, it was all about her and her kid's party. Typical.

I'll lay odds the birthday mom is also the sort who never RSVPs either. And hide and watch to see if she has that kid write thank you notes.

 

[bluesaturn]

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that if a kid gets a party invitation....even if it's at the dead last minute.....they're probably going to get excited and want to go. And oh goody, to get to be the mom who gets to say, "No can do." What fun! All thanks to another mom who didn't pause the think about the consequences of her, "Who can we invite to fill in that last spot so it doesn't go to waste?' invitation. Nope, it was all about her and her kid's party. Typical.

Why are parents so afraid to say no? I don't get this, I'm sure the kid has the chance to go to plenty of other parties. OP's son will be disappointed, but he'll get over it. Kids hatch plans all the time for playdates and sleepovers, get excited about them, then get told no.